The discipline measures I have taken to protect myself from child abuse may not be assumed to be protective at all. I began taking in the advice offered by the social worker to not necessarily physically touch the children, but to talk more. I feel like I do more talking that is just unnecessary and goes unheard. I now spank them with my hand instead of objects when I get frustrated with the talking. They respond a little less if I receive a response at all. I let them know the reasoning to their discipline and I ask them what could have prevented it from happening. Often times this behavior is repeated shortly after and becomes a cycle of me reappearing myself until the physical act of discipline comes into play. This does not work effectively enough to me, so I have been reduced because of the repeated visitations for child protective services to letting the children pretty much do whatever they want. If they choose not to do what I have told them to, to avoid another visit from the social worker, I just let them do it anyway although I know it is wrong and goes against my beliefs, but I feel like my hands are tied. I feel like I’ dammed if I do, I’m dammed if I don’t. I certainly recognize the difference in raising children in a one parent household, opposed to two. In a one parent household such as my own, I am faced with the challenges of being the primary provider and caregiver. The burden can all too often be heavy. Every time something needs to be done I am the person to go to. The values and morals that I instill in them are mine own. I don’t consult with anyone because there is no one to consult with. I feel like I can do whatever I want because it’s just me and the children. Unlike in the two person household I dreamed of raising my children in, unfortunately it doesn’t exist at this time. I believe that children should be raised by two parents, and the responsibilities shared. I think that it is easier to have someone to consult with and help impose a different outlook on things. I believe that raising children as a team represents a more secure environment. It allows one of the parents to have more time to spend with the children, individually as well as collectively. The one parent household because the responsibility lies so much on me, I feel like I miss a lot of time with my children and they feel like I put work before them. It’s hard to explain to them that if I don’t; work there won’t be anyone else to provide for them. I don’t want them to think this is the norm and that it is alight. I try to tell them the correct way, just to be met with questions such as why am I doing it this way. It’s a difficult question to try to explain without placing blame on one person or the other. I take it as far as I can without doing as such, but those little minds are sharp. I have experienced the threat of suicide form my 13 year old, all too often and to casually. I believe in therapy and targeted approach. I tried to combine the two to help her deal with and adjust to whatever makes her feel that this is an option. I took her to counseling, I admitted her when it was recommended, but most of all I wonder if it’s anything I can fix. It is disheartening to know that out of all the people in the world that you love, the one that you would give your life for, doesn’t really want their life at all. It seems like a constant job, wondering what she’s thinking, wondering if she will really go to the extent of ending it all of the time. It is a difficult thing to deal with and often times I don’t know where to start. It becomes even more complicated when I’m the one being blamed for the thoughts in the first place. I didn’t know where to start with coping. It seems that once I began getting to the root of the problem the more I realized that part of the problem stems from being a one parent household. I can’t change the past but I can attempt to change the future. I have tried imparting the other parent’s views, but it is hard because the other parent is in denial, and believes there is an easy fix. I have certainly learned that there is no easy fix, and it takes time to sort through all of the in between. I have pledged to stick it out and to help my child and protect her until I can’t any longer.