AFTER DINNER SPEECH

I asked the chairman how long I should speak for this evening and he said; “Speak for as long as you like; but we’re going home at ten.”

Before I start my speech, the management of this hotel have asked me to point out that the sign in the gents ‘Wet Floor,’ is a warning not an instruction.

Before coming here today, I was forced to give my wife a lecture on home economy; and believe me there are going to be some changes.
For starters I will be giving up drinking.

I am afraid I have 2 disappointments for you today; the [eg Prime Minister] couldn’t make it;---but our next speaker could.

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning, when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.

I am sorry to report that # was in trouble with the Police recently for alleged assault, although he swears it was self defence. He was in B&Q, when an elderly man with orange overalls asked him if he wanted decking.

On the way here I stopped in the local village and asked a man, “Which is the quickest way to [place you are at]?”
He said, “Are you in a car or on foot?”
I said, “In a car”. He said, “That’s the quickest way.”

Another sign of growing older is, when you are faced with two temptations; And you chose the one that will get you home by 9 o’clock.

I am not trying to say that Dave is a bad driver; but I would feel safer being driven home by Richard Hammond.

One of the most bizarre MP’s expenses claims was John Prescott's toilet seat;---it was a brave man who lifted the lid on that one.

After a difficult period, I am delighted that the caravan industry is doing well again and they have even revived an old song for their new advertising campaign; 'Portaloo Sunset.'

The joke was so funny, it almost made Andy Murray laugh.

I had a cheque returned yesterday from my Bank marked, ‘Insufficient Funds.’ I rang to ask if it meant me or them?

After the MP's expenses scandal, it is rumoured that the inland revenue are going over everything with a fine tooth comb. They are investigating [Football Club] for claiming for silver polish for the last twenty years.

In this period of recession, we all need to be shrewd and save money where we can; and even criminals are having to use all of their guile to survive;---and some are very clever. 2 weeks ago my wife and I had a nice surprise; somebody put a pair of theatre tickets through our door with a message, ‘Guess who these are from?’
So we went out and had a lovely evening, but when we got home our house had been ransacked; and on our dining table was a note, ‘Now you know.’

Even Banks are trying to save money nowadays, although to be fair to them, they did give me a calendar at Christmas;---even though it only had 3 months on it.

Business is so bad nowadays, even the people who have no intention of paying aren’t buying.

Apparently, Snow White has had to lay off 4 of the dwarfs.

There is one consolation though, in 20 years time we will be calling these the good old days.

I am not saying my home town is dull; but the definition of a Grimsby playboy is somebody who stays up to watch News at 10.

With the bar in mind, I stopped off this evening to get some money from the hole in the wall:
As I was taking the cash, a tramp came up to me and asked if I could spare any money.
I said, “ If I were to give you any money, would you spend it on drink?”---He said, “No sir.”
I said, “ Would you be spending it on cigarettes then?”---He said, “No sir.”---
I said, “ Would you be spending it on gambling then?”--He said, “No sir.”-–
I said, “ If that is the case would you please come home with me, so I can show my wife, what can happen to somebody who doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble.”

Pete was actually very lucky to qualify as a teacher. He was asked to put on a form the two main reasons he wanted to be a teacher; And he put, ‘July and August.’

Geoff is so short, he’s the only man I know whose feet appear on his passport photograph.

Even when Tim started Primary School, it was apparent he was different from all the other 5 year olds; He was 11.

He has taught me how to leave a Casino with a small fortune. We go in with a large one.

Eric comes from an old RAF family, his grandfather actually fought with Douglas Bader. Unfortunately it was over a woman in a pub.

There was a time when a Solicitor was one of the best paid professionals; but that is no longer the case. I called a plumber out the other day and he charged me £80 an hour.
I said, “Eighty pounds an hour, my Solicitor doesn’t charge that”
He said, “I agree, I didn’t charge as much as that when I was a Solicitor.”

Before departing, I would just like to leave you with a thought. Why is it, all the people who know how to run this country, are too busy driving taxies or cutting hair?

Some say Cameron and Clegg are the best double act since Null and Void.