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Big Bang

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It's a constant battle. A battle that she feels she is slowly losing and then suddenly she conquers it...but only for a while...till she falls weak again. Her childhood only made her cold, bitter and angry. A happy kid to the outside world but only she can feel that bitterness drilling a hole right through her middle. It's difficult; to keep smiling, to laugh, to make people laugh, to keep people happy even when you don't feel happy yourself. There's an empty void inside her and she needs to fill it in. So she seeks love from everyone around her. She needs approval, she needs company, she feels so dependant...so stupid. This insecurity is killing her. She wants to shred her body. She wants to stab herself. She wants to stand in the middle of the road and have a gigantic truck crush her 18 year old body into tiny fragments...so tiny that no one will ever be able to recognize her. No, she is not depressed. She is happy. Happy to be here. Happy to have friends she loves more than anything in this world. Happy to have a boyfriend who makes her feel safe and oh-so-secure. But there are times she breaks down into a big pile of nothingness. She looks into the mirror, stares long and hard and she sees it. The talentless ugly person that looks back at her makes her feel worthless. Makes her feel like a waste of space. Nothing under the sun will ever make her believe that she has looks. Nothing anyone will ever say will make her believe in herself. She is hollow inside. She is bland. She is just another girl and nothing more. Incompetence...that's what she is built of. She couldn't keep anything. Her mum left. Her parents keep leaving. Her best friend and companion left. The one person she thought would never let her down left. Her entire family left. Why does everything rest on her shoulders? Why do they all call her and keep rambling about everyone else? Why do they think she has the answers? At the age of 6 she had to decide whether or not she wanted a new mother. At the age of 11 she had to decide if her step-sister should stay with her family or leave to another country. At every age between 6 and 17 she had to decide whether or not her parents should stay together. Through 12 to 16 she had to decide if she wanted to continue living or not. At the age of 16 she made a final decision - that she would leave. Enough. Enough of the yelling, the slamming of doors, the spitting of cruel words, the taunts, the leaving...and the tears..oh enough of the tears. Not once did she cry in front of anyone but her dogs. It made her feel weak if anyone were to witness her weep. It made her feel soft...broken and degraded. Here she is...in a place where there is someone always around to witness her shenanigans. All she can do is cover her face while she cries so she can block them out. She can lay face down on a pillow and at least pretend that she is alone. She can run away, lock herself in a loo and say - I'm fine. She can feign a smile until she gets exhausted. She can take deep breaths and go through each day slowly. Cause that's what she's trained to do. Suck it up and live. What else to do but laugh it off?

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