Coming Out about my Sexuality
I have always felt differently about my sexuality growing up. We always hear “a man is supposed to be with a woman,” but I did not feel attracted to women, there was always this attraction to men. With me being from a small town, there was always this fear of hurting my family, so I kept it bottled up inside of me until the age of 16. Then I finally decided to tell the man that I Idolized most! When telling this to my grandpa he said “you can’t help who you have feelings for, as long as you are happy, you will be loved no less.” He then encouraged me to tell the rest of my family, and I did and of course, with mixed reactions.
Starting to realize the difference of my attraction to men at the age of 9 or 10 made me realize that there was a problem; we were raised in a Pentecostal church. I knew that it was wrong for a man to be with a man. When my friends would stay all night I would have mixed emotions about what I was supposed to do and what I wanted to do. I always, of course would be in the closet with one of the girls or something like that, but did not want to be. So for many years I kept up this “fantasy,” I lived in a small town, which was a very racial town. My family “name” was very important to our family. My grandparents (father’s side) were pillars of the community and owned several businesses and my Aunt and Uncle were both school teachers in the community. It was very difficult for me to show my true self and it ate at me for years. I was very good at hiding my emotions and my true self, to the point where everyone always thought I was happy, when really I was very miserable.
Every summer when school let out I would go stay with my grandfather and step-grandmother (mother’s side) for the summer. They lived on a huge 341 acre farm and my grandparent’s had animals and garden’s galore. My grandfather always lived off the