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Mylisah Choate
September 16,2014
Psyc 2301
“Who Am I” Essay

Trapped in Bewilderment
I pulled my hair back, twisted my t-shirt with my sports bra strap, checked my makeup and breezed out of my parent’s house with my sports bag. My teammates and I had have held two state champs in softball, and there never seemed to be a Sunday when we weren’t using the gym to our advantage. Our goal was to be in open gym before the baseball team. I think it was our way of showing off our athleticism in a feministic kind of way. I have always been your average girl with dark pigmented skin, brown hair and eyes, very athletic and outgoing, always excited to learn something new, got along with everyone, held a decent grade point average that got me through high school and onto college. I was the kind of girl of every man’s dream; according to most of the guys I know. Some of whom who took it to their advantage(s) no matter the consequences or sacrifices they were willing to take.
I am going to completely drop the ball and be blunt at this point. Take out of it what you will. I have told this story a numerous amounts of times; it never changes and never will for that matter. So, I have learned that it’s best to let people think what they want, even if they think it’s all made up.
The spring of 2008, I was sexually abused during one of our open gym days on a Sunday evening, by two boys just slightly older than I was. Before I encountered the unexpected. I was always attracted to this one particular man, whom of which was doing the abusing. He had brown hair and eyes just like I do. Had an outgoing personality that every girl loved, not to mention he was an outstanding pitcher for the baseball team. Having been one of the best softball players throughout the school district, and thinking that dating this guy who was a big shot in sports, I had always thought it’d be crowd-pleasing to me. Logan (my abuser) and I had always gotten along, no matter the time or place. I was thrilled by this single-looking guy who acknowledged me and let me be who I am. I believe my dad said, he grew up with his mom all throughout grade school and high school, so that made it easier to bring him around and gave my parents the ‘okay’ to frequently be with.
He was always good at making me believe what I wanted to hear. I admit it had worked. He made me feel attractive, wanted and needed. Growing up with him into our teenage years we seemed closer than ever, it had flattered me but I was still uneasy. He’d stroke my hair whenever I was having a bad day, and let me lay on his lap, as if he were truly listening to what I would have to say. He’d tell me how pretty I was, and I would soak up comments like a damn parasite. All along Logan had been tossing ‘red flags’ out left and right, and I was to blind to recognize it. I was trapped.
This whole time of not feeling awkward with a guy for first time ended quite abruptly. That day in the gym, with the guy whom I had thought loved and respected me, had molested me, along with a friend of his that held me down throughout the scene.
If you were to approach me and ask me the question, “do you remember it?” I’d tell you that I think about it at least everyday of my life. Not to mention how much counseling I had went through. So yeah, I remember it quite accurately. My counselor she’d tell at the most once a week that, I was bewildered by what had happened. Being young I would always roll my eyes thinking, “ well, whatever that means” you know? Apparently, I was confused or puzzled as to why this ‘man of my dreams’ had done such a horrid thing. He was perfect in my eyes; sadly, I idolized him as the one. I felt like a fish on a hook being reeled in slowly, and then he would let out some slack, and then reel in a bit faster until it was to late. I fell into his hole, his trap and I was to young and gullible at the time to gain a comprehension as to what kind of hormones men differ from us women.
Truthfully, I had never understood the legitimate reason or explanation to this day, until I had gone through my current psychology course. Everything has sort of tied a perfect knot on top of my box of questions about human behavior and sexual predators. I totally get it now. Nature took its course and I was its prey.
Regretfully, from then on shame and guilt blanketed my life for a while. I was very alert about everything or everyone. The more guys that would say they had an interest or wanted to date I would push to the side. I had convinced myself that I was not important or was never going to be lucky enough to know the feeling of love and respect that I deserved. Even though deep down, I knew it was wrong to put a hold to everyday life, it was wrong to push everyone to the side. That, and I had always thought that no matter who the guy was, no matter how good looking she might be. He would never want to be with a girl who was groped by another man, no not me that’s just absurd, correct? Truth is: I was the one being used. They took a part from me that I will never get again. And no honest man wants to be apart of that.
From then on was nothing but a bumpy roller coaster ride. A year or so later my parents thought it was time to tell me that my father wasn’t my biological father. Don’t let me start on that topic! Just as things started to get better, and I was feeling more open to the world I get shot down into my hole. Again. And it was nothing but a dark period for our entire family for a long time. No person wants to hear that the person who you called daddy and went to in a time of need is not your father. But, life gradually went on my feelings have never changed about my dad. He is my dad he raised me and took me in two months into my mother’s pregnancy. I try not to ask questions about my biological dad but when I do it’s the same old story about how he was an abuser, just like Logan is, to my mom. I am who I am. I am currently a twenty two year old girl, who had moved down to Texas with my boyfriend whom I have been together with for two and a half years. He respects me, loves me for who I am. What I said early about no man accepting me for what happened in the past was never true. Some things just take a while to figure out. I think I plan on sticking around with one for a while. I find it hilarious, but I joke to myself saying that my viewpoint on my dream man has changed. I went from wanting to be a famous athlete and dating one to being a hot nurse, and being with a smoking fire fighter. Before I met Jared, that was always my goal, you can ask my momma all you want and she will tell you that I wanted to be a nurse and marry a firefighter. Looking at where I am now, I must be the luckiest girl ever. I am dating a handsome fellow that went through the fire program at Weatherford College. Lieutenant Goss. He is still working towards achieving that goal and I could feel more blessed to be with someone like that. We had always agreed to play our parts and that’s what makes a relationship. A true relationship in my eyes. He knows what I have been through and tries to help me forget about it, but I never will. I may act like I do just to make him feel better. I’m still scared to go places alone, even to the grocery store because Logan worked there for the longest time. I can’t watch Law and Order unless I read what it’s about because I will start crying if it’s about a rape case.
I think everyone has forgotten about it and I wish I could too. From this day forth I continue to live life to it’s fullest. Being abused has never changed who I am or want to be. I’m continuing my education at Weatherford College. I want to be a registered nurse and I hope it all works out. I’m not the brightest student at times but I know I can achieve my goals if I work hard at it. I work for myself, which is nice. Jared and I own half of our real estate company, and we are actually about finished with our first flip house ever so that’s exciting.
Having said all that, for those of you who are experiencing or experienced a problem with someone or something. You should never let that stop you from being who you are. I made that mistake and lost lots of friends and family for pushing them aside and never giving them the chance to show me that there is still more to life than thinking it’s completely over. I thought that for the longest time that everyone was going to see me as a disgusting figure roaming around this earth. It only took me until now to figure that out and now I am further behind on my education, my future. But, I am picking myself up through friends, family, Jared and myself. I am who I am, and I plan on leaving it that way.

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