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Emotions

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Just once in a while tell me I am pretty and that I am loved
Don’t wait until I have to ask for you to say it
Take me out to eat or just riding around without me having to beg
Don’t call me a fat ass when I gain a little weight
Don’t ever threaten me or my kids on personal belongings
Just for once just let me be myself and I will show you I care in my own way

I don’t know when or ever if I will get over the fear inside of me
I want to run I want to hide from the pain I feel inside
I want to scream and shout and let it all out
I have so much anger inside of me and hurt from the scars that will never heal
Just once I wish I had someone I could talk to and lean on just for a day
Just for today I want to be able do the things I want to do
That never be me because I will never be free from the pain
And always moving from place to place until I find my true safe spot
Nothing is ever safe or ever be the same as long as I am on this earth.
I am better off in another place, my kids will survive no matter what
They don’t need me cause of everything I let them endure
I wish I had just one more day to make plans but that will never be
My plan is my own and my dreams are now shattered
And to my family I never truly mattered
I should have never been born I should have left this earth a long time ago
Just to be with my dad again is the only dream I have
To see his face and hold him in my arms and tell him I love him and I am sorry for the things I have done
There’s always time for hope and dreams to make dreams come true
There’s always time for laughter to take the tears away
Sometimes the tears still come and I don’t understand why
I wish I had more time in a day to get my school work done
I wish I had time to do the little things that mean the most to me
I wish I had more time for writing and cleaning house
I wish I could do more than what I do but sometimes I just feel that no matter what I just want to cry
There’s more to life than this computer there’s more to life than school and cleaning
There’s more to life than what I know but something I will never truly understand is death
Sometimes I wonder is there pain when people die
What does death really feel like?
What does it mean to be here on earth and then just vanish and never be here again?
These thoughts often play over and over in my mind and does it really matter

Sometimes I don’t say what I feel I keep it all locked up until it comes out in anger
I don’t know how to speak, I guess sometimes words are just words in my heart and on my mind
But when I write the words seem so real and that people read what I type
The anger needs to go but I am scared to let it go I am afraid to do a lot of things because then that will just mean that I have failed at something else
All of my life I have tried to put pieces together but they just don’t fit
I guess the reason why I want to hear I love you is because I never heard it growing up
I wasn’t hugged much as a child and when I get the affection sometimes it scares me
Because I like the affection so much its like I long for a lot more of it
I don’t understand it, as I sit here now writing this I have tears in my eyes and I can’t tell myself why
On the inside I am a wreck the outside shows I am fine
I can pretend when that I am fine when I all want to do is cry
When I am angry I push to extremes because I have held so much in for so long
Because more often than not I don’t speak what is on my mind
I have loved a lot and it hurts like hell when your heart is broken
Makes me feel like I have failed again
That is why I write what I write because I feel loved ones are looking down from heaven and up from hell watching me and judging me as a failure or maybe even cheering me on

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