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Finding Myself

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Submitted By ApocalypticAsh
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Finding Myself

People think it’s so easy to change. They think it’s so easy, but it isn’t. Sure, things don’t always stay the same. You get a new couch, boys come and go, you gain a new scar, discover a new song, or you find a new passion. But in the end you’re still just you. Always spinning and turning in awkward beautiful shapes like a ballerina on a floor, spinning and spinning only to come back to the same position.

A conflict I’ve always had to face a lot in my life is myself. I’ve always had a problem with accepting myself for who I am, what I’ve done, and what I can become. Self-esteem was my greatest issue. From the time I was in fourth grade I didn’t fit in. I probably didn’t fit in before that either but I noticed myself in the fourth grade. I remember the countless times I tried blending my colors with their colors only to be disappointed that ours didn’t mix well and that the end result was a nasty brown color, much to my dismay. It was like a never ending battle and of course like any other kid I thought, was it me?

Of course, now that I’m older I understand that it wasn’t me, not intentionally. It wasn’t until I finally started middle school when I actually had some other people I could call friends. They too were like me, misfits. We had our own table and our own discussions. It felt nice to blend in nicely with others for once but alas, it didn’t stay that way when we reached our high school years. But honestly they were just there to help pass the time. I only had a connection with one and she moved away.

Ultimately, high school felt like a sauntering iron being pressed to my esteem. I dreaded having to wake up every morning only to have to end up going there. Sure, having my brother there in that prison with me made it easier on me but I had to get out. And get out is exactly what I did and started anew.

Since I’ve left that

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