LIBERTY BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

BOOK CRITIQUE

HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS

BUILDING AN AFFAIR-PROOF MARRIAGE

WILLARD F. HARLEY JR

A PAPER SUBMITTED TO

TO DR. DONALD HICKS

IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF

THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE COURSE

PREVENTING MINISTRY FAILURE

LEAD 625

BY

JAMES RICHARD SOMERS

L22996592

LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA

01 JULY 2014
BIBLIOGRAPHIC ENTRY

Harley, Willard F. Jr. His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2001.
INTRODUCTION
It is quite clear that many couples go into marriage really thinking that things will be just like they seem to be on the movie screen. The concept that there will be from the beginning and then forever more be a “happily ever after” marriage tends to remain in people’s minds as long as love exists. This concept does not take into account that like any relationship there must be work put into it. The book His Needs, Her Needs: How to Build an Affair-Proof Marriage attempts to point out some of the areas that need to be addressed so that the needs of each person will be met, and thus getting rid of the fairy-tale failure.
SUMMARY
Without a doubt the idea for this book came from Willard F. Harley Jr when he realized a few things after teaching a course about marriage at his church, the course lasted for 13 weeks and was taught in 1978. He also used these sessions via audio recordings for tools as he worked with couples and mentored them in his practice as a counselor. Finally a transcript of the taped sessions came to a publisher and was all too eager to publish them as a work; which was published in 1986. (Harley, 9) It is a very adequate place to begin with Harley simply asking the state of the reader’s marriage. He makes it quite clear that the ultimate reason for affairs is that needs are simply not being met. There are a myriad of needs that are not being met in many marriages and the people in the marriages really do not even know this on a conscience level. To explain to the reader mentions the concept of a love bank to the reader. This concept could either be new or old to the reader and the result is the same. This concept really demonstrates how a person could be running on empty for quite some time. To that fact a person could even be going in the negative and not on empty at all. The thought first could be the “tank” as fuel and the concept could also be seen as the “bank” as withdrawals as well as deposits, yet it is possible for one to be on a negative balance and be in debt for the times that one person had been operating in the relationship without any deposits for quite some time. Harley does demonstrate that most banks are full when the relationship is heading toward marriage and they often sink when the aspects of life come into play. The greater majority of the book addresses the concept of five emotional and physical needs. Harley divided the needs up into two different categories: male and female. As Harley alternates between the two genders throughout the book he is able to address each side almost simultaneously. Harley identifies the aspects of emotional needs in the female by: affection, intimate conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. He also identifies the aspects of emotional needs to be sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, domestic support, and admiration. Through the use of stories Harley demonstrates how when the needs are not being met then a person could be led down a path that they had no idea that they were even on and almost involuntarily fall into having an affair. Harley concludes the book with the possibility that a marriage could still be worked even in the event that an affair occurred. He even throws in the concept that one could change from being basically incompatible to being absolutely irresistible. He also adds an appendix item for the couple to work through to grow more intimate with each other through different topics.
CRITIQUE
This approach that Harley takes really did arise from his work as a counselor with couples and it only makes sense that through the experience that he has had he would understand more of what each person in the couple would feel and need. Without a doubt his insight is valuable and the research is quite in depth. However, it does appear that some of the concepts of the needs are a bit over generalized. There never has been and there never will be a n end all be all fix for a relationship that is a one size fits all type of understanding. Each person different and as such each relationship is different; with this in mind it is also clear that Harley knew this fact and did not seek to minimalize the issue of meeting or not meeting each other’s needs. This fact is also seen through many couples that tend to take a reversal of roles at times. Some men may struggle with the relational aspects that the woman normally would and they usually find the opposite of what they are and as such some woman struggle with a few of the relational aspects that the man normally would. It would seem that through this book Harley believes that he has figured out what it would take to have a marriage free from anything except for the concept of “happily ever after”. It is simply not true to claim that one person could solve everyone’s relational issues. Although, this book does contain a great deal of very valuable relational issues and how to address them; neglecting the wisdom that is found in this book truly could be detrimental to the persons in the relationship as a whole. However, it is important to note that essentially this book was written in the 70’s and there are quite a few issues that have changed throughout the years. Although, there is one concept that has remained constant throughout the years; that concept is that women are still women and men are still men and they do think and feel the same way that they did in the 70’s when this was discovered. It is more common to see households with dual income rather than just that of the husband who would be working outside of the house. This is also written in such a way that it appears that the man is the one who is sexually charged and the woman is not. There are quite a few examples where the woman is more sexually charged than the man. While the “reluctant husband” tends to be shrugged off for such a long time without realizing it he is able to do something about it (Harley, 62)

EVALUATION Harley’s book really is packed with valuable knowledge and tools for a marriage to grow stronger. However, it is dangerous to assume that having the right tools alone gets the job done; it takes much more than simply having the tools to do the work. Without the knowledge to utilize the tools correctly it is possible to use the tools incorrectly and severely damaging the relationship without even realizing that damage was done. In conclusion the book truly does contain a vast array of useful knowledge, techniques and follow through. It is written in such a way that Christians and non-Christian alike are able to read through their own decisions. This is must read for those who would rather have a happier and more fulfilling marriage than those who would simply just suck at it.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Harley, Willard F. Jr. His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Grand Rapids, MI: Revell, 2001.