So what about you, gentle adjudicator, the Decider-in-Chief of my fabulous future’s final fate and into whose hands, I eagerly press this fairly written, self-deprecating, and pun-ishing essay? You, the invisible and omnipotent judge, jury, and executioner, the final arbiter of how and where I devote the next four years of my existence - purgatory, heaven, or hell? Do you prefer puns or knock-knock jokes? Do you favor fish (in the Hawaiian language Ono means delicious, but is also the name of a large and tasty saltwater game fish) steak, pork, or chicken? Crunching on the cartilaginous bones of the prospective student-athlete’s compounded GPA and SAT scores is algebraically subjective and quite the storied problem, especially if you are