Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, until she led them to a parking spot.
We try to keep our bumper about four inches for the shopper’s calves, to let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes two cars will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way white sharks will fight who gets to eat a snorkeler. So we follow our shoppers. Closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whispering “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” though our teeth, until we arrive at her car, which is usually parked several times zones away from the mall. Sometimes our shopper tries to indicate that she was merely planning to drop off some packages and go back to shopping, but when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion and see the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it.
And so we parked and clamber joyously out of our car through the windows, which is necessary.
I do not mean to suggest that the true meaning of the holiday season is finding a parking spot. No, the true meaning of the holiday season is finding a sales clerk. The way to do this is looking around the store for one of hose unmarked doors, then bursting through it without warning, and there you will find dozens of clerks sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and whimpering from weeks of exposure to the holiday environment. Of course as soon as they see you, a shopper, they will bolt to the window. This is why you must carry a tape recorder.
Hold it! then them freezing in their tracks. “I have a tape recorder here and unless somebody lets me make my holiday purchases, I am going to play Frosty the snowman.”
Cruel? Inhuman? Perhaps. But you have no choice. Because this is holiday season, and you have to buy thoughtful gifts for all your loved Ones… or they will hate you.