The couple opened the massive creaky front gate and drove up the massive windy driveway until they reached the mansion sized fortress, they jumped out the car and stood and admired the building. “It’s beautiful “shouted Chloe in a very pleasurable manor, “I can’t believe it’s yours”. “ I……I don’t know what to say, after all the things that have happened, you know, mum passing a few months ago, my depression and drug abuse, dads suicide after mum left us, it’s just strange that after all of these horrific things, out of the blue I receive a letter from an auntie that I never knew about, saying that she has left me a hotel that has been run by my family for generations in her will” said Jayden. “I’m telling you babe, good things are going to start happening to us” replied Chloe. The gigantic front door of the hotel opened and 2 people stepped out that looked like badly dressed waiters,” hello, we are Ingrid and Rueben and we run this hotel, you must be Jayden, we’ve been expecting you, please follow us in and we’ll show you around” said Reuben in a very posh accent. They followed them in quietly but with an urge of pure excitement, as soon as they walked into the building, the doors closed with a loud creak, immediately Reuben started to lock the door, “why are you locking the door” said Chloe in a slightly worried voice. “We wouldn’t want anyone disturbing you now would we, plus all the customers left this morning so you are completely alone. Right, what can I get you to drink” spoke Rueben, I’ll have an orange juice and Jayden will have water” said Chloe rather controlling. Whilst Reuben and Ingrid went to fetch the drinks Chloe and Jayden sat down on an ancient red sofa that was residing in the living room that was covered in cob webs. Around 10 minutes later they returned with the drinks, Reuben placed down the two glasses on a little table that was an arm’s length away from the sofa, Jayden and Chloe both went for their drinks and had a big gulp, they then returned to the sofa with their drinks in their hands, “You know, that sofa wasn’t always red “ said Ingrid rather creepily, this surprised Chloe and Jayden as this was the first time they had heard her talk, “what do you mean” said Jayden, soon after they both started feeling drowsy and light headed, “ that sofa is covered in the blood of our customers” said Rueben, I thought you said they left this morning” stuttered Chloe, “ they did,…… in body bags” crackled Reuben loudly.
Commentary
My story didn’t come out how I had expected it to, in my head the story was going to be full of gore and murder but halfway through I changed my mind and I started to tone down the horror. My story is about a couple that receives a letter about being passed down a property from a recently dead relative. When the couple get there they are greeted by a weird creepy brother and sister who work at the hotel. The couple are invited in to sit down, they are soon after offered some drinks which they take willingly. They drink them and start to feel light headed because the drinks are actually spiked. If the story had carried on the brother and sister would have attempted to murder the couple using disgusting methods. If they escape or not you’ll have to wait and see.
I tried to add a lot of description in the story to make the readers feel like they are actually in the story, in my opinion the story could have been a lot better but It took me too long to decide what to write.
In the first paragraph it is really serious with no comedy which is a completely different style to what I am used to, I am more of a comedy writer which I think you can in the story. But I think the seriousness paid off and it will interest the reader and make them want to read the rest.
The second paragraph is just more description of the hotel, this is to give the reader a more descriptive mental picture of what the hotel looks like, this will hopefully help them relate to the story more.
The third paragraph includes more action then the others because this is when the plot of the story starts to unravel and the twists come into place, I think the reader will find this paragraph more interesting than the others because it surprises them and makes them want to know what happens next. I hope all of this together will make a readable story that the reader will enjoy.