Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

Submitted By
Words 1455
Pages 6
“Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. If you haven’t already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. Please take your seat and fasten your seat belt. And also make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position.
If you are seated next to an emergency exit, please read carefully the special instructions card located by your seat. If you do not wish to perform the functions described in the event of an emergency, please ask a flight attendant to reseat you.

We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. Smoking is prohibited on the entire aircraft, including the lavatories. Tampering with, disabling or destroying the …show more content…
Julia is a bank manager, and I'm supposed to smile while serving coffee. It was not her true potential, she knew that for a fact. She was a smart girl, not Julia-level genius, but she was clever, likable and charismatic. However, she hated most people and had a terrible secret between her legs, a curse, more like. It will go away, idiot. Doctor Norris said so, remember? she took to reminding herself every night, and every morning she would wake up to it. A morning wood saluting her like a soldier, large and pink and pulsing, sensitive to any touch and eager to bombard her sheets with white semen. She wasn't born with the wretched thing, but when other girls woke up on blood-stained mattresses, she woke up with a raging erection. It remained with her ever since, started as a small limb and evolved to a rock-hard baton, waking up at the wrong times and getting her in embarrassing situations every so often. She kept it a secret from everyone for a full month, relying on internet searches on incognito tabs for information. Then when her search turned fruitless, she knew she needed professional

Similar Documents

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

...Hello, I’m oxygen particle but you can call me Oxy, and today I’ll be taking you on an exclusive tour through the human body where we will meet many of my important friends, in relation to the Respiratory System. To start off with today, we will enter the human body as air through my friend, Nostril. Nostril has an important job to do; it’s up to Nostril to give the tour groups of oxygen particles a warm welcome, by filtering and removing larger unwanted particles and moistening them with his tiny hairs. This job is made easy for Nostril as he uses his nasal cavity to complete this action. Now that we have entered and met Nostril, it’s time to move down and see Phary Pharynx. Oxygen tour groups flow through Phary Pharynx; his job is to keep oxygen tours on track to head to the lungs, by acting like a passage way. Did you know, my friend Phary is 12.5c, long? After a quick visit past Phary Pharynx its time now to meet Lary Larynx. Lary Larynx is located immediately below his friend Phary and is made up of cartilage bound together by ligaments. He’s pretty impressive. While we visit Lary, I’ll introduce you to Epiglottis. Epiglottis partly covers Lary Larynx and controls the oxygen tour groups, like a door. Blocking off Lary means that no other tour groups, such as food groups can make their way to past Lary down to my other close friend, Tricky Trachea. Now, if anything other than oxygen groups visit Lary Larynx, because Epiglottis has fallen asleep or the other groups are just...

Words: 577 - Pages: 3

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

...Hi good to hear from you thank you for getting back with me you know I must say you do have a wonderful smile you look so innocent your picture coming down that's good to meet somebody that looks like that well I just have some simple questions to ask you have you been married before you have kids with you you said you are do you have an accent hope you don't mind the questions but it's how you get to know someone to get to know me credit This site often on for a lot of time just kind of boring but I am looking for my Christian true soulmate on her and I hope you don't mind if we start out as friends that you know friends is what you need in relationship you help each other through thanks to the dark days and good days in life we keep each...

Words: 635 - Pages: 3

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

...it is accepted and appreciated. From now on, please just ask me if I`m upset about something. Normally, if you had upset me I would have told you right then and there. There are some things we have concerns about requarding the wedding and that is why we want to talk to Alex, although he doesn`t seem willing to come speak to us. As far the Guests, this is whom I am aware of right now who is attending Your Family - 4 - You, Robert, Kristin, Rebecca Our Family - 5 - Me, Richard, Alex, Anna, Alyssa (Anna`s boyfriend will probably come to Vegas with us but not attend the wedding) Their Friends who I understand are attending- 5 - Marshall, Kate, Olli, Amber and Drew My Family - 3 - my mother, sister and my mother`s long time boyfriend Fred. (my father can`t attend due to health reason)...

Words: 516 - Pages: 3

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

...Good evening Class of 2017! It is with immense honor that I am on this podium addressing you tonight. To assist me up here, I'd like to invite Señor Hobart. [Pull out stuffed monkey.] Orange like a Husky see. First, a little about Señor Hobart. He hangs over me every night, ensuring that I sleep soundly. A little, orange monkey to ward away the evils in the dark. As a freshman, I was cleaning out my closet but couldn't bear to let him go. Two reasons: he's memorabilia that allows me to reminisce simpler times, and also an opportunity for reflection to see far how I've gotten. By reminiscing, we're able to enjoy the times that mean so much to us. From confused freshmen and aspiring sophomores to grudging juniors and relieved seniors, we've accomplished...

Words: 336 - Pages: 2

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

...Good morning Nagendra I was out all day yesterday. Yes, I am going to the Rotary Club on Wednesday 04 November but I am afraid I will not be able to give you a lift. I intend to leave my apartment at around 5:00pm on Wednesday and go to see a friend in Didsbury. I shall leave his house at about 7:15 or 7:30pm and come to the Club from Didsbury. At this point in time, I do not know whether I shall be going to the Club on Wednesday 11 and Wednesday 18 November. I will know on Monday or Tuesday for the respective week. I have still not recovered from what you told me "You are criticising me, you are attacking me, I feel like crying"!!! Really? Did I attack you? I made a remark in connection with the wide lapel of your jacket. Satish and I made...

Words: 264 - Pages: 2

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

...Julissa Santiesteban Dr. Cathy James Michael and Kayla’s Wedding: Sister of the Groom Specific Purpose: To Celebrate Michael and Kayla’s Wedding Central Idea: Michael has lots of patience and is especially understanding. INTRODUCTION Good morning everyone. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Julissa and I am Michael’s younger sister. I want to say congratulations to the happy couple but first I would like to share with you all a story about Michael that shows how patient and understanding he is, which is desirable trait for a good husband. To quote Barbara Cage, “Love is a partnership of two unique people who bring out the very best in each other, and who know that even though they are wonderful as individuals, they are even...

Words: 492 - Pages: 2

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

...Ladies and gentlemen, faculty, mothers, fathers, and our dearly beloved educators, I hope you’ve all had a wonderful evening it makes me really happy to see everyone here supporting either their brother, sister, cousin, or in our parent’s eyes their little baby. I bet at this point we’ve made our families proud, but also scared at the same time it just amazes me how fast we’re all growing. Last thing I can remember is seeing my mother come home from the hospital and bringing home this small, fragile, human baby named Jamie my little sister, my little potato then next thing I know she’s going to Kindergarten learning how to count then there’s me, finishing high school and about to take the next step to the first day of the rest of my life. I grew up in Los Angeles for 12 or 13 years I was lucky to have grown up in such a diverse city it exposed me to so many cultures from Hispanic, Japanese, American, even to Korean. And being able to explore the streets that made me become the person who I am it’s the place where I fell in love with Astronomy, Photography, and of course the Arts. My family and I moved to Terra Bella a couple years ago, I will be completely honest it was the best mistake we’ve ever made I mean my family may be a little distant, broken, and different but you know what? That’s okay because they’re all I got. I came to Summit in the 8th grade, I remember the first thing that popped into my head the minute I went through those gates, “God this place is so small!”...

Words: 847 - Pages: 4

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

...hello gentlemen , good day to all ,I am here looking for a good friend , just an average person looking for the same , I like people who can initiate a good conversation , I enjoy traveling and listening to music , I strictly prefer quality over quantity and mind over body , positive out look is a turn on for me , I enjoy talking to people who take everything in a positive manner life is very beautiful and happy these days , I finally stopped trying to convince myself that I am not gay , learnt to accept myself as I am , then I found this site its giving me new hope to find a friend/partner (this happened around 5 years ago , 10th grade ) . I have many wonderful friends in life yet I never tried to express my inner feelings with them , I believe it was because of fear of judgement and I believed I was too young to talk about that with others but thats not an issue anymore . so here I am trying to find some one whom I can open up my mind and share anything and everything . hoping for a friendship forever . I am not looking to find casual sex here , so if that's your intention then kindly click on the close button on top of this window . if u r still interested then please do read on , I am going to try and explain what I am searching for as said above I am looking for a friend , one friend only , what kind of a friend do I need ? answer is someone simple and jovial , some one who has time for friends , some one who believes in you , some one who will make...

Words: 1148 - Pages: 5

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech

...Thank you your honor thank you jury, the right of self defense according to us law is the right for civilians to act on their own behalf, to engage in a level of violence, called reasonable force or defensive force. now i beg of you to really think that through, do you really think a gunshot a single shot through the head with little to no chance of surviving is reasonable against a man with a stool a 36 inch stool to be exact( go and get the measuring stick ask a jury member to see how tall is his chair) (he says a number close to 36 inches) does this being thrown at you at a slow speed seem threatening enough to shot me? jury i hope i truly hope you can see that you should have all the fact before you can make a decision to start off we don't know the speed it was thrown at all for all we know maybe he didnt even throw a stool we know theres a crack on the barstool but we dont know if that came from this incident or not. so let me take you on a little image of we believe to have happened jamie coyne a bartender who did not have a lot of money owed ryan cipri 400 dollars he knew ryan cipri would come in every night persistant on getting his money he knew that at this time at night there wouldn't be a lot of people at this bar he knew he had a gun in chris lee statement he had worked late and ended up staying at that bar jamie wouldn't have known that ,in his mind he might of had the bar all to himself when he saw that chris lee wasn't leaving but that he was staying he hurled...

Words: 482 - Pages: 2

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech: Happy Halloween

...Hello, Singh. Happy Halloween! How are you doing? How was your night, restful and safe? I hope so. I hope your day is going well and safe, like a pray to God for you. I'm doing well, just need to gain some pounds that I lost few months ago because one little gastritis, but, other than that, I'm well. Thank you for your lovely, worried, and clarifying message; I thank you for paying attention to my message and telling me that you wouldn't put my life in risk in any way possible, and that you ensure me 100% that everything is at no risk to me, safe, and that you trust me. I gave you my information because I like to help, and I felt in my heart that I can trust you, should help, and continue to pray for you and me; normally I'm right in my judgement but sometimes I'm wrong, I hope this isn't the case. Lately, I've been thinking about everything you said and this keeps me awake at night, but, because of my faith, I hope this will pass very soon. About telling this to anyone else, don't you worry because I promised you that you can trust me, and when I give my word, no matter what, I keep it; not even my best girlfriend will know about it. I saw on the news about that Russian airliner that crashed in the Egypt's Sinai, and all 224 passengers died; this is terrible and that side of the world is getting more and more unsafe to be on, and I read about the soldiers going to Syria, and they comment that president Obama said before that Syria was always off limits. This is incredible. I...

Words: 492 - Pages: 2

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech: The Project Guest

...Good Evening Ladies, On behalf of Idenise Rodriguez, I, Jennifer Peets, am inviting you to be a part of The Project Concord as an initial board member. A little bit of back story on how we were all brought together. Idenise and I met at an event called Generocity Orlando. We were introduced by a mutual friend. We both went to this event with the same idea - to find a nonprofit we can be actively involved. There were many to choose from but we did not find one that truly excited us. We left there with our swag bag full of brochures hoping that when we looked them over one of them will ignite a spark. Idenise and I exchanged social media handles (who gives out their numbers so quickly these days?) so we can stay in touch. Later on she told me she was volunteering at an event where she would be donating her services as a hairstylist to the homeless. She informed me she has done this in the past and felt great about giving back to the many citizens of Orlando who are destitute of the basic needs. Something simple as a haircut gives these men and women hope that things are going to get better. Besides the haircuts, these citizens were given clothing, food, and vital needs you and I do not go without. Idenise had this idea to start her own nonprofit since none of the ones she and I looked at moved us to join. I immediately said I would love to help! Initially she wanted to start a nonprofit for the homeless but I pointed out we have many of those in Orlando and at the same time...

Words: 643 - Pages: 3

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech: Doodle's Trial

...Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. In the case that the prosecutor presented to you today, there is insufficient proof to convict. We would proudly ask for a verdict of not guilty. As we all have ascertained, the unexpected death of a seven-year-old premature adolescent took place recently. This child’s name was William Armstrong, or his sobriquet that he was most commonly labeled, Doodle. Doodle was born and raised on a farmstead, discrete and unattached with the rest of the world. He was born with a dilemma- to die, or simply suffer the rest of his existence. This intrepid young man chose to live and endeavor through this difficult trouble. But, without his brother, Armstrong wouldn’t have been able to ratify everything that everyone said that he couldn’t. Brother did a huge favor for Doodle. He let him live. When I say live, I don’t exactly mean “just existing”. I mean he gave him the opportunity to live an exciting, interesting, and complete life. If everyone would imagine this: Growing up a weakling, everyone feeling sorry about your problems, no one ever pushing you to do anything successful. How would you feel? Having to live with the fact your whole life that you can’t do anything for yourself or others. And at that moment, a hero, an inspirer chooses to help you. He teaches you actions you had never dreamed of doing. Another challenging question comes: Would you risk only existing and not achieving anything in life with a better chance...

Words: 549 - Pages: 3

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech By A Non-Therapist

...Hey ladies. We need to talk, and I'll start right off the bat, and tell you that, there is no "The One". You know of what I speak (Thanks Gandalf) . The idea of that guy you just can't let go of because he will save you and make all your dreams come true. If you just try a little harder, stick it out a little longer, you'll have perfection. I'm sorry to tell you, nothing is perfect and you are obsessing over something that is not real. Oh, it may feel VERY real, in the moment, but all the little signs and big signs for that matter, all the gut feelings you chose to ignore, is kicking your ass right now. You can thank Barbie, Fairy Tales, T.V, Fashion, Beauty Products, Magazines, E-Harmony...I could go on but I think you get my point. I want to make it clear that I do not consider myself a feminist, but there is no denying women are not doing themselves any favors. I expect arguments against what I just said. It could be argued that women are more in touch with each other since social media blew up, but I'll be honest, I don't think that message to " Love Yourself" is truly sinking in. It's fluff. If I post an inspirational quote on my Facebook, Twitter, Instagram etc...my job isn't done for the day. I'm not saying it's bad to post positive messages, but do we, as women, really know what it takes to love ourselves before jumping into yet another disappointment? Stop looking for a man (or woman) to make you whole. When you're starving for love, attention, acceptance, security...

Words: 908 - Pages: 4

Premium Essay

Cortney: A Humorous Wedding Speech By A Friend

...Welcome everyone, For those who don’t know me, I am Brianna, Cortney’s cousin and her maid of honor. Before I getting into the speech I would like to thank God, William’s family, my family, and friends for helping us to put this special event together. I am so glad that two families can come together to make one. I have known Cortney all my life she like a big sister and want I think about it I thought I was losing her but I am gaining a brother. When I first met William I know that he was the right one for my cousin because he never stopped looking at her with love in his eyes. When they first started dating for just about some months and every time I saw her she lights up like there's no tomorrow. Cortney is an amazing mother and cousin...

Words: 588 - Pages: 3

Premium Essay

Humorous Wedding Speech From The Father Of The Bride

...Thank you all, and good evening. I am overwhelmed by your warm welcome. And I want to thank my friend, Tipper Gore. You know after this reception, I think you all are ready for the rest of this convention, which has already been so positive and good. I know and you know that Chicago is my kind of town. And Chicago is my kind of village. I have so many friends here, people who have been important to me all my life. And it seems like every single one of them has given me advice on this speech. One friend suggested that I appear here tonight with Binti, the child saving gorilla from the Brookfield zoo. You know, as this friend explained, Binti is a typical Chicagoan, tough on the outside but with a heart of gold underneath. Another friend advised me that I should cut my hair and color it orange and then change my name to Hillary Rodman Clinton....

Words: 1732 - Pages: 7