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SXS/SPY 320, Fall 2014

Is a Bad Kisser a Deal Breaker?
He turns her towards him, looks into her eyes with a slight smile. He bends towards her and their lips meet. All of a sudden, he starts kissing aggressively. She feels something wrong. The kiss is wrong. It gradually becomes a sloppy, wet and gooey kiss. She has thought he was perfect, but for the first time ever, she ends up dating a bad kisser. This half-way romantic scene seems to happen with a lot of people. Some agree that bad kissers do not work out for them, or they cannot maintain a long term relationship because of the lack of chemistry. However, I personally would not break up with a potential partner if he or she was a “bad” kisser because there are other factors that we need to consider such as individual physical attractions, conversation, personality, and that bad kissers can be fixed.
While kissing technique does a crucial element in stimulating chemistry, individual physical attractions such as hearing, visualizing, and touching are equally important in contributing to the sexual attraction between couples. According to the article “Puckering Up Now Just Lip Service?” the lips are the most sensitive parts and kissing is the fastest way to stimulate sex drive between two people (Elia/Chen, p. 11). However, there are other erogenous zones - particular areas on the body that responds to sexual attraction - that can work the same as the lips (Lecture, 09/17/14). Different people are attracted by different parts of the body. Hearing, visualizing, and touching are other potential candidates. An article titled “Animal attraction” states that men are strongly drawn into women who have a high pitched voice to a sultry purr (Class reader, p. 69). Study by U.C.L.A showed that men prefer the scent of woman when she is about to ovulate (Class reader, p. 69). Yet, some people are intensively drawn by a particular part of their partner’s body. The article also points out that most of the time an hourglass figure, which is a narrow waist, hip and butt are almost equal size, is considered to have the most magnetic effect on men (Class reader, p.69). I experienced this type of attraction when I first dated my ex-boyfriend four years ago. Frankly, he was really bad at kissing. My first kiss was not as sweet and perfect as what I have seen in a dramas; it was extremely sloppy. It was not all pressed up against me, like it should have been. However, it did not affect my relationship at all. His kissing was not really a way to turn me on. The most arousing part that made chemistry between us was his hands. Whenever he touched me by his hands, no matter how bad the kiss was, I always felt butterflies in my stomach. People are attracted to each other in different ways. While the lips seem to dominate other sensitive senses, we cannot deny that hearing, visualizing, and touching are also essential senses to stimulate chemistry between couples.
Despite the fact that kissing is a good way to keep people fall in love, conversation is more effective if someone wants to keep a long term relationship. There is no point of dating a good kisser but there is a broken connection between two people? In the article “Hold me tight” by Sue Johnson, the writer says that “disconnection has a huge impact on the shape of relationship” (Elia/Chen, p.17). It jeopardizes our sense of security. In contrast, being attached to someone provides our greatest sense of security and safety. We cannot deny the power of the kiss. When two partners are kissing, they exchange testosterone, which helps trigger the sex drive (Elia/Chen, p.12). Basically, what kissing does is that it excites people’s sexual libidos. Yet, an interesting fact found that kissing is the best way to end a fight (Elia/Chen, p.12). However, can people be able to keep calm and kiss their partners after having a fight? Most of the time, the answer is no. I have noticed my parents so many times after they have a big fight. No one wants to talk to each other. They even hate seeing each other’s faces, and kissing is too unrealistic to mention. The best way to make up after arguing is that partners need to sit down and have a serious conversation. If they don’t, they will experience a primal feeling of panic, which sets off alarm in the brain’s amygdala. Once it sends out an alarm, we enter the state of monotony (Elia/Chen, p.16). Monotony leads to boredom; if a relationship gets boring, we can almost expect to generate problems, or even further, lead to divorce (Lecture, 10/06/14). Generally, kissing is not the only way to maintain a relationship but connection is the powerful key. Despite of terrible kissing techniques, personality is another crucial factor in order to find your Mr. or Ms. Right. If a potential partner is terrible at kissing, it does not mean that his personality is bad as well. Nobody is perfect. God makes us good in this way, but He also makes us bad in another way. I date people for who they are. Referring to my story with my ex-boyfriend, even though he was terrible at kissing, he was a really good person. The reason I dated him was because of his kindness with people around him. Our 5th date was the most impressive for me, and made me realize why I wanted to maintain a long term relationship with him. I was waiting for him in front of his apartment. He was running down the stairs while there was an elderly walking up with a heavy luggage. He then unreluctantly helped carry the luggage up to the 7th floor where she lived. There were several men walking at the same time too, but only he was willing to help. At that moment I knew that this guy was the one. My story convincingly shows that a good kisser is not necessarily a good person, and a bad kisser does not mean he or she has a bad personality as well.

Although it is tough to fix someone’s characteristic, it is totally possible to fix a bad kisser. Dating a bad kisser is not really that tragic, and sometimes you will find that if you wait it out, they will end up being the best partner ever. You probably will be glad that you did not dump them just because they were bad at kissing. “Honesty is the best policy”, but I personally think that saying should not be applied in this situation. I can never think of any gentle ways to tell my partner the truth that he is a bad kisser. The other effective way I applied to my situation was being the lead. Instead of telling him he was not doing a good job, I tried to show him the way I wanted to be kissed. Basically, I just corrected the behavior while it was happening. I noticed his improvement later on. Even though it was still not perfect as what I expected, it was definitely better than the first time. Somehow I could not tell he was a bad kisser. Men always want to please a woman and if they get a negative reaction from a particular thing, they will work to correct the problem.
Truly, one of the simple joys of romance is the act of kissing. Yet, everyone is aware that it is the first stage to get close in a romantic relationship. I understand how awful it is when you meet someone whose face and brain are effectively kiss-baiting you, until you lean for the smooch. However, it is unfair when saying that a bad kisser is a deal breaker. Our tastes of sexual attraction are different. Some prefer kissing; others are attracted by touching, or physical appearance. Bad kissers can have good personalities, and above all, bad kissers can be fixed. I definitely do not judge whether a man will be a good partner based on the way he kisses. I judge him based on what he is, and how much he loves me, not physically but emotionally.