Loss of Innocence
(A true story, to help others)
By: L. Shields

Many times, I wondered why I was the way I was with men and I decided to write this story to help others who may think they are alone. I was very young when my life began to change with men. At the age of four, my male baby sitter did something that would change my life forever. He raped me and touched me in a way that an “adult” should never touch a child. He took something away from me, that night. And, when my parents did nothing that was even worse than what he had done. I didn’t know at that age why my parents, who were supposed to protect me, did nothing. I learned as an adult, that the boy’s father had passed away and that is why my parents didn’t do anything. Even though, that was not a good reason and they should have protected me, I have forgiven my babysitter. About a year or so later, my father started to do things to me that no father should ever do. He molested me and once again took more away from me. This time, I thought it was something that I’d done to deserve this sort of treatment from him. He said, “You’re my special little girl.” Of course to a young girl, that sends all type of mixed signals and causes her to feel different about her daddy. This sort of thing went on until I was 10 years old; every night that my father would come into my room, he would do the same thing. All this time, no one knew about it. I didn’t know it at the time, but he was also doing the same to my little brother. We lived with my father alone, after him and my mom finally separated. My father shared a room with my brother, it didn’t seem strange to us. We didn’t think there was anything wrong, till later. We left Arizona and went to Michigan, my father was running from the police; we didn’t know why we had to leave our home. There had been rumors at school that my dad had molested a boy, in our apartment complex. In the beginning, we stayed with a family friend; there wasn’t any abuse, while at her house. But once we moved out, it started again. This time, the visits were more frequent and lasted longer. I don’t know if the treatment continued with my brother or not. My father was not very careful. While we were in our own home, he molested a friend of mine and had to face the consequences. My brother and I were taken back to the family friend, while my dad went to jail. Despite the abuse, I still loved my dad and didn’t understand why things were the way they were. And, inside I was screaming and wanted this all to go away. Later, I told my sisters and they couldn’t believe that our father could do that to us. I’m now in my mid-thirties and have forgiven him for what he did to me. He took away all innocence that a young girl should have. He may have not started what happened to me, but he sure finished it. I was a rebellious teenager who slept around. I thought that if a guy slept with me, that meant he loved me. My concept of love was so warped, until I was almost 20. I know that I can’t blame my father entirely, for what happened, but he had a part in it. I know that if I would have had a normal childhood, I wouldn’t have been so messed up about men. It took me many years to get over all of it; I still have nightmares about it. I’m very thankful that I finally found a man who wasn’t like all the others. My husband has been very patient with me and still is after almost 14 years of marriage. My father passed away, over a year ago and even though our relationship was never the same, he was the only father I had. I do miss him and wish that things had been different. He had to make up for what he did, although it wasn’t easy for him. I know that he was sorry, for the mistakes he made, while living on this earth. To this day, I know that what happened to me had apart in who I am today. The abuse that I suffered through, at the hands of my father shaped who I am as a person. I realize that as messed up as my childhood was, if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be the mother or woman that God planned for me to be. I wouldn’t want my life to be any different, because I know through it I can help others who have gone through the same pain. I pray that whoever reads this story knows that God has a reason for everything that happens, no matter how painful it can be. I know that one day, through my pain, there will also be joy. Joy in knowing that I was able to help someone see that their abuse wasn’t their fault and that they will heal. To the person reading this: Please know, you’re not a bad person; the person who mistreated you is the bad person. Know that you’re not alone. And, don’t make the mistakes I made with men. If you need someone to talk to, find someone you trust. My last thought is this: God will never leave you and never hurt you, in Him you have a Father who loves you, like you deserve to be loved. And, my favorite scripture is one that says God has plans for your life, ones to help you and not harm you. He will always be there for you, if you only ask. I truly believe this and He has never left me, even when I didn’t understand why things had to happen the way they did.