Amanda Da Silva
Mary Jo Caruso McCloskey
February 3, 2015
Narrative Essay
Loss
I have this fear. My heart starts beating fast. Sometimes it’s like all things start spinning out of control around me. Then it comes as a shock and quickly becomes disbelief. It’s like the whole world is working against me. Soon after, I get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that just doesn’t go away when I want it to. When it’s sudden and unexpected, the shock turns out to be so overwhelming. My biggest fear is losing someone close to me. I certainly don’t do well with losing people. It’s really hard for me, and even though I’m a strong person in front of others, I become miserable when I’m alone. One struggle I have when I experience loss is keeping my own faith. I trust that God knows of all things, and I know if that’s what He wants, than I have to accept it, but I question why and it angers me a little. Throughout high school in Danbury, CT, I had a best friend who had my back through everything. His name was Luan Henrique Pitol and I can honestly say I trusted him with pretty much anything. I told him things I had trouble telling my girlfriends and he lectured me when I dated the wrong guys. The funny thing is, he was a player himself, but I’m proud to say I was his only “girl” friend who never became his girlfriend. Our friendship was too strong and there was no way we would risk it. We would always laugh when people told us to be together and I think it’s because I always had this “big brother” kind of description in mind when I talked about him. Luan was the guy who went with me to my first high school party and the one who picked me up from the mall because I didn’t have a ride and would make fun of me for not having a car at 16. One of the great memories I have was watching him learn how to drive stick. He was so bad at it, and he must-of stalled about ten thousand times just trying to get to my house one night. He was a year older than me and I guess that’s why I always thought of him as my big brother. Whenever he did something wrong, he was always mad when I called him out on it, but when I was the one doing something wrong, I had to endure all his arguing and grumpy faces. He had such a big heart, and never failed to help his friends when they needed him. After we graduated, we were still close, I started dating and he did too. We would always talk about our relationships and even ask each other for advice. Double dates started to become a thing but soon after, he broke up with his girl Caroline and it took a toll on him. He started drinking even though he was underage. He would go to a lot of parties and he started messing with the wrong people, so we distanced ourselves from each other a little. I tried to get him to let go of all that and start going to church again, but it was more complicated than that because I knew I couldn’t force him, he had to do it on his own. He got arrested one night around September of 2013 and I had his mom call me and talk for hours because he would have to spend the night in jail. It crushed me to see her that upset, and it must of crushed him too because when he got out he came looking for me and told me he wanted to get his life back together, work on his faith and even go to youth group on Fridays with me. Things started to look better and I was so happy for him. Unfortunately, in December of that year, his friend Mike started hanging out with some guys who weren’t really the right kind of people to hangout with. Luan was invited to a party at the Harambee Center on December 7th, and that’s when it all happened. As we’ve been told, two guys from their group had been drinking and weren’t even able to get inside the party because they had security guys at the door, so they decided to leave. Once they were outside, their little group came across another group of younger kids, there was some misunderstanding and one group thought the other had thrown a soda can at them and they all started verbally fighting. Luan’s group left and the other group cut through an apparent shortcut and ended up in front of his group. Since Mike never backed down from anything, after a couple of blocks, another argument broke out and two guys started physically fighting. Things ended up getting worse. Luan got in the middle of it all to protect his friend and out of nowhere, this younger kid named Emmanuel, 17, pulled out a knife and stabbed Luan, 19, in the back. Mike started shouting and all the others ran. By the time the police and ambulance came, it must have been too late. Luan was pronounced dead at Danbury Hospital. When I found out, I was at home and I completely panicked. I started calling Luan, and texting him, messaging him on facebook hoping that it was all a sick joke. I called my mom and told her it had to be a mistake, at the time she was at church having a meeting and after what seemed like forever, she came home and hugged me telling me it was true. Luan’s aunt was at the meeting as well and got the call soon after I had called my mom. The funeral seemed like it took forever. I wasn’t able to cry though. Not when everyone was praying for his family. Not when his ex; Caroline hugged me and broke down crying. Not when I went up to him to say my last goodbye. Not when I touched his stone-cold hand. Not when I read from the bible in front of everyone. Not when his parents, close friends and I stood by him and put red roses around him as they closed the casket. Not even when the funeral car took him away. However, once I got home and went to bed, I must have cried for hours. The panicking, crying, disbelief and the anger towards God are things I don’t wish upon anyone. Losing someone you care about is the worst, and having to deal with it doesn’t get easier after a while. It’s been one year, a month and a couple of days, but I still think about him, miss him and cry over what happened. People say time heals all things, but to me, I know the little piece in my heart that hurts every time I’m reminded of him will never heal. One thing I can say is, that soon after it hits you, you have to remind yourself that the anger you feel and the questions you have don’t matter. Because God will be there for you and He will pick you up and get you going. I have faith that he’s in a better place, but I still don’t want to experience something like this again anytime soon.