The first strategy I would employ is one that I have used effectively when coaching pre-marital couples who have been cohabitating for a long period of time (usually several years) and already have children. There are two harsh realities to face when abandoning a troubled relationship. The first is that if you do not work out your issues before separating you are going to carry them over into every relationship that follows. It is an unavoidable certainty that unresolved issues will resurface in successive relationships (Parrott & Parrott, 2001). The second is when children are involved, ending the relationship does not alleviate you from the challenge of having to learn to overcome and resolve conflict with each other. Parents, even if they do not live together, cannot avoid having a relationship with each other. They have children in common that will forever connect them. In most cases, even if a couple’s relationship is non-repairable, there is no way to avoid the hard work of resolving the issues that have created conflict between them. They are going to have to work just as hard whether they stay together or separate, if they want to have peace between them and be able to move forward as healthy individuals, if not as a healthy couple.

The second strategy I would employ is to discuss with them about how they communicate with each other and deal with conflict. Michael Smalley’s advice from lesson eleven on the LUV method of communication concisely sums up assertive communication and active listening skills. When a couple makes the attempt to listen, understand and validate (LUV), they ensure they not only understand what has been communicated to them but they offer validation for each partner’s feelings. This is foundational to being able to move forward. Conflict resolution cannot even have a chance unless the communication issue is resolved first. Once good communication skills have been established and they have begun to understand and validate each other they can begin to work on the steps towards calming emotional storms (Clinton and Silbcy, 2006).

Once the couple has learned to practice good communication skills and learned how to step out of the emotional turmoil their conflicts always stir up they can begin to work on common resolutions to the conflicts that continually plague them. It has been my experience that even the most endangered relationships can find hope when they learn to do these things and begin to resolve their biggest conflicts.

References

Parrott, L. and Parrott, L. (2001). Saving Your Second Marriage Before it Starts. Grad Rapids, MI: Zondervan. Kindle Edition.

Clinton, T. and Silbcy, G. (2006). Why Do You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.