Never Again

I’ve had enough. Why am I living like this when I don’t have to? I have my own life to live. There’s no reason as to why you, my own father, can control me. I might only be 12 but I can make my own decisions.

“Hey Dad, can I go to lunch with Mum?” At this point I was cheerful and enjoying my morning… Well that changed quickly. I didn’t know what I’d done. He lost it. I only asked to go to lunch, what’s the big deal? He was completely mad at me. He was yelling at me until he got in the car and screamed out the driveway. My brother had no idea what he could do to help. Neither of us had ever seen Dad like this.

I was a complete mess; my eyes were red and puffy and had tears pouring down my cheeks. Everything hurt. I was scared and upset. I had no idea what to do. How was I supposed to know what to do? I was only 12.

I walked back to my room after yet another argument with Dad. For all I know he is oblivious to what or how I feel. Why shouldn’t he be? Yes he’s my dad but I can’t speak my thoughts. Everything has been kept in for too long. I was only just holding together.

It was Dad’s weekend to have me but I wanted to go to lunch with mum. I’m not sure what happened to him the night before, or whether it was just his feelings and emotions that had built up over the years, but what I asked must’ve been the last straw. He lost it. He took it all out on me.

I could hear the tyres coming back down the gravel driveway. I got up and sat outside on the deck. I didn’t know what he was going to do next, or how else he was going to hurt me. Was he going to yell at me again? I don’t know.

He got out and walked towards me. Our eyes locked. “You either don’t go to lunch but stay living with me, or you go to lunch, pack your bags and don’t come back”. I went silent. I was scared as hell. What was I going to do? This was the biggest decision I’d ever had to make in my life. This decision would determine the rest of my life. This was a decision no young girl should have to make, let alone from her own father.

The glare from his dark brown eyes was too much. I literally couldn’t say anything. As he opened the car door he turned to face me, “by the time I get back you must’ve made your decision”. The motor of his Mazda BT-50 revved and the tyres spun. He was gone again.

I ran back to my room. I had more tears than ever. Bag after bag, I was shoving stuff in, as much as I could as fast as I could. I wanted to be left alone. By myself…. To think… to cry… to hate myself… I was a young girl who had just made the biggest decision of my life. I was shoving the last few things in a bag when I heard Dad pull in.

I put my bags in the back of the car then I hopped in. Nothing was said. I couldn’t look at him… “Are you sure this is what you want?” the hurt in his voice was enough to kill me on the inside. No words came out… My throat closed… it was as if my whole body froze. I managed to nod my head.

I could feel the anger and disappointment coming from him. What was I supposed to do? I made my choice. Well… the choice any 12-year-old girl put in that situation would’ve made. I was sick of living in fear of my own father. I wanted to get away from him. I wanted out. So I did, I chose what I was sure I wanted.

We pulled into Nan’s driveway. I noticed that nobody was home… Neither Nan nor Pop’s cars were there. Dad didn’t know that though. I got my bags out of the car. By the time I turned around he was gone. I just sat at the back door waiting. He wasn’t only gone out of the driveway but out of my life. I no longer had to live with him.

I rang the landline but there was no answer. Mum didn’t answer her phone either. I then rang Pop… he answered. Somehow I managed to force through the sobs and lack of breath “where are you? I’m at your house”. Pop was worried. “What happened?” He had no idea what was going on, or why I was at their house.

It was barely 10 minutes, although it felt like an hour, before Nan and Pop pulled in. I looked up. My knees were soaked from all the tears. There were no questions. Nothing. Just comfort. Pop helped me bring my bags inside. They asked me if I wanted anything to eat. I wasn’t hungry. I just wanted to be left alone.

I shut myself in my room. I was alone at last. I let everything out, I felt useless. Mum soon came in, “what did he do?” she asked me breaking the silence. I got control of myself and told her “Dad kicked me out” I struggled to say that without exploding into tears.

I was confused… What have I done? What did I do to deserve this? I didn’t know if I’d made the right decision or not. It was getting too much for me to handle. My head was spinning. I had no idea what I should do. It was as if the whole world was caving in around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I was an unfortunate young girl who was trying to process what had just happened. I was drowning in my own thoughts. At least I didn’t have to live in fear anymore. I was free.