THE BIG BANG THEORY
"THE TROGLODYTE CAUSALITY" Written by Jason Kaleko

jason.kaleko@gmail.com 301-785-3780 1215 S. La Cienega Blvd. Apt. C Los Angeles, CA 90035 WGA Registered 1366432

COLD OPENING FADE IN: INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY (DAY 1) (LEONARD, SHELDON, WOLOWITZ, KOOTHRAPPALI, WAITER, EXTRAS) LEONARD, SHELDON AND KOOTHRAPPALI SIT AT A TABLE. SHELDON The question is not when the Homo Sapien will speciate and form the Homo Novus, but rather how we will defend ourselves from the remaining Homo Sapien. LEONARD Where is Wolowitz? KOOTHRAPPALI Why would the Homo Novus need to defend himself? SHELDON (TO LEONARD, RE: KOOTHRAPPALI) Homo Sapien. (MORE)

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2.

SHELDON (CONT'D)

(TO KOOTHRAPPALI) Competition between the Homo Novus and the Homo Sapien will inevitably lead to a literal match of Brain vs. Brawn. And as my

early adolescent research confirms, it is scientifically impossible to think someone to death. KOOTHRAPPALI Perhaps the next evolution of humanity will come equipped with telekinesis. Bad-ass. SHELDON Don’t be ludicrous. many millennia away. LEONARD Where’s Wolowitz? We need to get Penny’s Telekinesis is We need guns.

started on that present.

birthday is Saturday you know. KOOTHRAPPALI Yes, yes, we know. We knew the last Howard is

four times you told us. M.I.A. SHELDON

But on to more important matters--where can we get guns?

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3.

LEONARD Guns? Sheldon, you have the hand-eye

coordination of a cinder block. SHELDON Point taken. Perhaps we should

consider other modes of defense. Suppose we take into account the old aphorism “Music soothes the savage beast?” KOOTHRAPPALI You are going to take up a musical instrument? SHELDON Point taken. I suppose our only

option is to construct suits made of a reflective polymer to wear for safety. LEONARD Right, because one can only battle belligerent troglodytes in a futuristic apocalypse with eightieswear. SHELDON Wrong. Because savages are mollified

by shiny objects. KOOTHRAPPALI Actually, I play the sitar.

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4.

WOLOWITZ ENTERS, WIDE-EYED AND STIFF. LEONARD It’s about time you showed up. ordered you your usual. robot construction?

HE SITS.

We

Ready to talk

WOLOWITZ IS SPEECHLESS, HIS EXPRESSION UNCHANGED. SHELDON Perhaps he’s taken up the Buddhist tradition of vowing silence. (TO

WOLOWITZ) I respect your decision to embark on this difficult journey. WOLOWITZ Something terrible has happened. SHELDON I rescind my respect. LEONARD What happened? WOLOWITZ I don’t want to talk about it. SHELDON Well that’s not fair. You can’t bring

up a subject described to such an extreme as “terrible” and then limit all detail.

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5.

KOOTHRAPPALI I have to agree with Sheldon on this one. Not cool, dude. WOLOWITZ I, I... LEONARD Howard, what matters is--WOLOWITZ I walked in on my mother. LEONARD ---say what? SHELDON Walked in on her? Doing what?

WOLOWITZ It. SHELDON Now you are just being intentionally ambiguous. LEONARD With who? WOLOWITZ Her new eHarmony boyfriend. LEONARD I thought he lives in San Antonio. WOLOWITZ He does. It was...via webcam. Hank.

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6.

KOOTHRAPPALI Your mother has a webcam? WOLOWITZ No. I do.

THE WAITER ARRIVES AND SETS DOWN THEIR MEALS. SHELDON I’m sorry, what are we talking about here? LEONARD Just eat your food. (TO WOLOWITZ) I’m on a somewhat strict time-line with this gift so if we could--WOLOWITZ Oh god I can see her IN MY HEAD! SHELDON TAKES A BITE OF HIS FOOD AND STOPS IMMEDIATELY. SHELDON Something’s wrong here. WOLOWITZ Out! Out! Oh god! OTHER PEOPLE ARE

WOLOWITZ BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS. LOOKING OVER. SHELDON

My Lo Mein tastes unusual. (FLAGS WAITER) Excuse me, waiter. There’s It

something wrong with my Lo Mein.

tastes different from last week’s.

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7.

WAITER Our old chef moved back to Hong Kong. The new chef Sancho will be cooking all dishes from now on. SHELDON’S EYES GO WIDE. SHELDON Sancho? WOLOWITZ This is awful! SHELDON This is awful! KOOTHRAPPALI Mine is pretty good. CUT TO: MAIN TITLES

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8.

ACT ONE SCENE A FADE IN: INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT - LATER (DAY 1) (LEONARD, SHELDON, KOOTHRAPPALI, WOLOWITZ, PENNY, MOLLY) KOOTHRAPPALI WATCHES TELEVISION AS LEONARD AND WOLOWITZ SIT IN FRONT OF A DISASSEMBLED VACUUM CLEANER. LEONARD You don’t recognize any of this? WOLOWITZ I got nothing. LEONARD (RE: THE DIAGRAM) How about this piece? The bracket shaped like an L? WOLOWITZ Nada. LEONARD It’s an L-bracket, Howard. going on with you? SFX: A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. LEONARD (CONT’D) Let’s take a breather. LEONARD MOVES TO THE DOOR. SHELDON SIMULTANEOUSLY EMERGES FROM THE BACK WITH A MICROSCOPE. HE SETS IT DOWN ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. LEONARD (CONT’D) Take a moment to gather yourself. Think mechanical thoughts--What is

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9.

HE OPENS THE DOOR TO FIND PENNY AND A HOT GIRL, MOLLY. SLAMS THE DOOR IMMEDIATELY. LEONARD (CONT’D) ---and hide those parts! WOLOWITZ LAZILY THROWS A TARP OVER THE PARTS. BREATHES DEEP AND OPENS THE DOOR AGAIN. LEONARD (CONT’D) Sorry about that, this door has some sort of spring-action that we have never been able to figure out... (TO THE HOT GIRL) Hello there. PENNY I left my house key at the gym. have the copy I gave you? LEONARD Who is your friend? MOLLY I’m Molly. PENNY Here we go. LEONARD Leonard. WOLOWITZ APPROACHES. WOLOWITZ Howard. (TO LEONARD) I think it’s (RE: A Can I LEONARD

HE

starting to come back to me. WASHER) An O-bracket, right?

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10.

MOLLY (TO WOLOWITZ) Nice you meet you. you work out as well? WOLOWITZ (CONDESCENDING) Um, no. I have a job. Do

LEONARD AND PENNY TURN TO WOLOWITZ, SHOCKED. MOLLY Hmmm. I would have guessed you lift.

You have a really raw sexual presence. LEONARD AND PENNY TURN TO MOLLY. SHELDON (UNDER A FAKE COUGH) Homo Sapien. MOLLY If you’re interested, I could get you a guest pass. There’s nothing better JAWS DROP.

than a hard workout followed by a soapy dip in the hot tub. WOLOWITZ Hot water really aggravates my eczema. LEONARD PULLS WOLOWITZ ASIDE. LEONARD (SOTTO, TO WOLOWITZ) Are you nuts? She’s all over you. PENNY PULLS MOLLY ASIDE.

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11.

PENNY (SOTTO, TO MOLLY) Are you nuts? You’re all over him! MOLLY Oh, I didn’t realize you and he were--PENNY Don’t even complete that sentence. What exactly do you see in him? MOLLY Most guys try to get in my pants from the get-go. He... he’s different. PENNY Different is one way to put it. MOLLY TURNS TO WOLOWITZ AND HANDS HIM HER NUMBER. MOLLY Call me sometime. WOLOWITZ Whatever. AN AWKWARD BEAT. LEONARD AND PENNY STAND, SHOCKED. PENNY I’ll just pick the lock. PENNY EXITS ABRUPTLY, PULLING MOLLY WITH HER. THE DOOR. KOOTHRAPPALI STANDS, SHOCKED. KOOTHRAPPALI (TO WOLOWITZ) Are you crazy dude? LEONARD CLOSES

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12.

WOLOWITZ What? Oh, her? Some people are so

desperate. HE TOSSES OUT THE NUMBER. KOOTHRAPPALI GASPS.

LEONARD (TO WOLOWITZ) Are you feeling okay? WOLOWITZ What’s with you guys? SHELDON Not that my curiosity is piqued at all, but you have been acting rather peculiar. LEONARD And coming from Sheldon, that’s quite an indictment--LEONARD NOTICES THAT SHELDON IS DIGGING THROUGH THE TRASH. LEONARD (CONT’D) ---wait, Sheldon, what are you doing? SHELDON I’m finding an original Lo Mein sample to aid me in dissecting the dish’s elementary components. Ah ha! I’m fine!

SHELDON PULLS OUT AN OLD CHINESE FOOD CONTAINER. LEONARD That’s disgusting.

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13.

SHELDON If Alexander Cumming heeded such cries in the 18th century, we’d still be defecating in holes in the ground. that what you want? LEONARD CONSIDERS ANSWERING, DECIDES NOT TO. LEONARD (TO WOLOWITZ) Sheldon’s initial point is valid. You’re acting weird. WOLOWITZ I just don’t see it. LEONARD The old Howard would have jumped on a girl like Molly. The new Howard Is

didn’t even break out the French. WOLOWITZ She just wasn’t my type. LEONARD She was a biped. KOOTHRAPPALI And she talked in your direction. WOLOWITZ Guys, I’m the same Howard. overreacting. You are

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14.

LEONARD We should look at this logically. I

propose we run a set of experiments to determine if Howard has indeed suffered some sort of fundamental transformation. SHELDON LOOKS UP FROM HIS MICROSCOPE, INTRIGUED. WOLOWITZ What kind of experiments? THE GUYS THINK HARD. KOOTHRAPPALI Name five of the top ten hotties in Maxim magazine’s Hot 100 of 2009! THE GUYS ALL TURN TO WOLOWITZ. WOLOWITZ Um... Sienna Miller? KOOTHRAPPALI (HORRIFIED) She’s not even top 50! LEONARD That proves nothing. French. WOLOWITZ (STIFF AMERICAN ACCENT) C’est la vie. KOOTHRAPPALI No no, like this. (TRIES FRENCH ACCENT, DOES INDIAN) C’est la vie. Say something in HE THINKS.

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15.

SHELDON I believe it’s more along the lines of (FARTHEST ACCENT YET) C’est la vie. WOLOWITZ (STIFF AMERICAN ACCENT) C’est la vie. THE GUYS LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER. TO HIS COMPUTER, CLICKS. LEONARD I didn’t want to do this, but I have one definitive test to try. come here. Howard, THIS IS SERIOUS. LEONARD GOES

How do you feel about

(CLICKS) this? WOLOWITZ APPROACHES, SEES THE COMPUTER SCREEN. WOLOWITZ That’s disgusting! LEONARD Call a doctor. libido. KOOTHRAPPALI Oh dear god. WOLOWITZ (CONSIDERS IT) Have I? WOLOWITZ SITS DOWN, WORRIED. LEONARD A lack of sex drive isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
(MORE)

Howard has lost his

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16.

LEONARD (CONT'D)

Perhaps it will lead to a stronger focus in your work. In fact, let’s

put my theory to the test and knock this gift to Penny out of the park! KOOTHRAPPALI What is this gift you keep babbling about? LEONARD (HESITANT) Well--SHELDON Leonard wants to make Penny an artificially intelligent vacuum. LEONARD SIGHS. KOOTHRAPPALI You mean a Roomba? LEONARD This one would also pick up clothing and spray a refreshing lilac scent into the air every other hour. (LOOKS

AT SHELDON) A sort of Roomba Novus. SHELDON SCOFFS. LEONARD (CONT’D) And Howard has promised to help me build the prototype. Howard? What do you say,

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17.

WOLOWITZ I don’t know. What’s the point?

LEONARD The point is to get Penny the greatest birthday present ever conceived. SHELDON Actually, the point is to move Leonard closer to copulation. WOLOWITZ And at one point I could respect that. Now it just seems like a waste of time. LEONARD Haven’t you always wanted to design an artificially intelligent being? SHELDON I don’t think a mechanical custodian quite qualifies. LEONARD (TO SHELDON) Don’t you have trash to dissect? SHELDON SHOOTS LEONARD A LOOK, THEN RETURNS TO HIS MICROSCOPE.

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18.

WOLOWITZ I did want to create an autonomous robotic intellect but now it seems so useless. impress? LEONARD Who were you trying to impress before? WOLOWITZ (DUH) Chicks, Leonard. LEONARD You decided to become an engineer and work for NASA to get chicks? Really? I mean, who am I trying to

WOLOWITZ SHOOTS LEONARD AN ANGRY GLARE. KOOTHRAPPALI I’m stuffed. You can crash at my Perhaps the

place tonight, Howard.

lilting melodies of Guitar Hero: World Tour will take your mind off of your moth--LEONARD No need to mention the “M” word! KOOTHRAPPALI Come along, Howard. KOOTHRAPPALI EXITS.

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19.

WOLOWITZ (TO LEONARD) Just FYI, I’m not so weak that I can’t even hear the word “Mother” without---and there she is again dear Jesus! WOLOWITZ RUNS OUT THE DOOR, HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS. STANDS IN THE WAKE OF THIS OUTBURST FOR A BEAT. LEONARD (YELLING) You know, this Roomba Novus isn’t going to build itself! SHELDON Roomba Novus? Seriously Leonard. LEONARD

ON LEONARD’S EXTREME FRUSTRATION WE... FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE

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20.

ACT TWO SCENE B FADE IN: INT. HALLWAY - NEXT DAY (DAY 2) (PENNY, SHELDON [V.O.]) PENNY ENTERS FROM HER APARTMENT, READY TO HEAD OUT FOR THE DAY. SHE CROSSES TO THE STAIRS WHEN... SHELDON (V.O.) Bah! Drat! Confound it!

PENNY STOPS SHORT, CONSIDERS. PENNY I am going to regret this. RESET TO: INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS (DAY 2) (PENNY, SHELDON, LEONARD) PENNY ENTERS THE APARTMENT TO SEE SHELDON IN THE KITCHEN, RUNNING FRANTICALLY BETWEEN 5 DIFFERENT POTS AND PANS FULL OF SAUCES AND FOOD. HE TASTES EACH AND ADDS MEASURED INGREDIENTS. SHELDON Blast. (MUTTERING) On to trial 93... PENNY APPROACHES, BEMUSED. PENNY Having some trouble? SHELDON I can’t be disturbed. I’m creating.

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21.

PENNY Well you certainly are disturbed but I wouldn’t call this creating. see what you go here. PENNY LOOKS THROUGH THE INGREDIENTS ON THE COUNTER. PENNY (CONT’D) Bertolli’s olive oil. A good choice--Raw cane Let’s

I have the same at my place. sugar. Impressive!

I use the same

exact brand.

And soy sauce just like

the kind I--- remind me to make Leonard give my spare keys back. SHELDON I had to borrow some ingredients. I

need to perfect my Lo Mein before the week is out or else it will become very belligerent about the change in routine. SHELDON DRIPS THREE PRECISE DROPS OF SAUCE FROM AN EYEDROPPER INTO ONE PAN. PENNY It? What’s it? PENNY IS DISGUSTED.

SHELDON FURTIVELY POINTS DOWN HIS BODY. SHELDON (SOTTO, TO PENNY) My stomach.

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22.

PENNY Ooooooh. You don’t know how relieved

I am that you’re psychotic. SHELDON Yes, well now that you know my goal you can understand that I’d like you to leave. Please don’t take it

personally unless doing so will make you leave faster. HE METHODICALLY TAKES A TASTE FROM ANOTHER POT AND SCRIBBLES IN A LAB NOTEBOOK. PENNY Well hold the phone. Lemme taste. BEFORE SHELDON CAN OBJECT, PENNY STICKS HER FINGER IN ONE OF HIS SAUCES AND TAKES A TASTE. SHELDON LOOKS LIKE HE’S BEEN SLAPPED IN THE FACE. PENNY (CONT’D) Not bad. Needs something though... SHELDON What on earth do you think you’re doing?! (SCRIBBLING FURIOUSLY) 10:45 AM, unknown contaminants from exposure to female digit in Pot C. PENNY I got it! A pinch of cinnamon. I can help!

SHE SEARCHES THROUGH THE SPICES.

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23.

SHELDON “A pinch?!” In what world is “a

pinch” a valid unit of measurement? PENNY GRABS SOME CINNAMON AND THROWS IT INTO THE POT. STIRS. SHELDON (CONT’D) Are you crazy woman?! I’ve been SHE

working on the proper mix for that sauce for hours! PENNY STICKS HER FINGER IN AGAIN AND TRIES IT. NEARLY FAINTS. PENNY Now that’s what I’m talking about. Here, taste! PENNY GRABS SHELDON’S HAND, PUSHES HIS FINGER INTO THE SAUCE, THEN PUSHES IT INTO HIS MOUTH. HE STANDS WITH HIS FINGER IN HIS MOUTH FOR A BEAT, IN COMPLETE SHOCK. THEN, HIS EXPRESSION CHANGES. SHELDON Well hey now. That’s not too bad. SHELDON

How’d you do that? PENNY You just forgot the one ingredient that every great chef must put in her meals. SHELDON Cinnamon?

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24.

PENNY Love. LEONARD ENTERS THE APARTMENT. LEONARD Thank goodness you’re here. your help. libido. PENNY That’s fantastic! LEONARD No, no it isn’t. It seems his sex I need

Wolowitz has lost his

drive is inextricably linked to his will to live. PENNY Weird. So what makes him tick is the

same thing that ticks everyone else off. LEONARD Precisely. PENNY THINKS ABOUT IT. PENNY Does he really need a will to live? LEONARD Penny... PENNY Alright. What do you want me to do?

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25.

LEONARD I think an impassioned kiss could do the trick. PENNY Let’s try this again. want me to do? LEONARD I thought you might feel that way so I devised a Plan B. SHELDON (O.S.) Drat! Penny! I need you to stick What do you

your finger in my Lo Mein. PENNY (OFF LEONARD’S LOOK) I’m teaching him how to make love. CUT TO:

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26.

SCENE C INT. GYM - DAY (DAY 3) (LEONARD, SHELDON, WOLOWITZ, KOOTHRAPPALI, PENNY, MOLLY, GYM GIRL, EXTRAS) LEONARD, SHELDON AND KOOTHRAPPALI ENTER THE GYM. THEY ARE CLEARLY OUT OF PLACE. BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE WORK OUT ALL AROUND THEM. SHELDON IS WEARING A REFLECTIVE FULL-BODY SUIT. KOOTHRAPPALI I don’t belong here. LEONARD We’re doing this for Wolowitz. SHELDON I feel very safe. LEONARD You look ridiculous. WOLOWITZ ENTERS. LEONARD (CONT’D) There you are! WOLOWITZ Yes, here I am. Now where is Patrick

Stewart and don’t tell me he just beamed up or I will seriously lose it. PENNY ARRIVES WITH MOLLY, BOTH SWEATING FROM A HARD WORKOUT. LEONARD (TO WOLOWITZ) Just a moment. TO PENNY) You’re up. (SOTTO,

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27.

PENNY Do I have to? LEONARD Yes. PENNY APPROACHES WOLOWITZ WITH MOLLY. QUIETLY. PENNY Hi, Howard. You remember Molly? WOLOWITZ I believe so. How are you? THE GUYS BACK AWAY

PENNY (TO MOLLY) Did you know Howard here is an award-winning scientist? MOLLY Very impressive. WOLOWITZ Guilty as charged. High school honor

roll four straight years. PENNY Howard is also a leading engineer at NASA. What are you doing nowadays,

Howard? WOLOWITZ Collecting sand samples from the surface of Mars?

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28.

PENNY And driving the...? WOLOWITZ Mars Rover? MOLLY Wow! Do you think I could ever visit

you at work and see you in action? Foreign beaches and fast cars are two of my biggest turn-ons. WOLOWITZ Sorry, NASA policy is very strict on allowing visitors in the office. LEONARD AND KOOTHRAPPALI LOOK AT EACH OTHER, PERTURBED. PULL WOLOWITZ ASIDE. LEONARD What are you talking about? You try THEY

to bring every girl you meet back to your office! KOOTHRAPPALI Invite her! Invite her now! WOLOWITZ I just don’t get you guys anymore. Seems like all you think about is sex. MOLLY TURNS TO PENNY.

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29.

MOLLY Am I that hideous? never go for me. PENNY No, that’s not true. Howard’s The good ones

just...shy. (ASIDE, TO SELF) I’m going to burn for that one. MOLLY What should I do? PENNY Be more direct. Here---

PENNY PULLS ONE OF MOLLY’S BRA STRAPS SO IT HANGS OFF THE SHOULDER. PENNY (CONT’D) Go get your man, Tiger. MOLLY TURNS AND APPROACHES WOLOWITZ. MOLLY Do you happen to have a handkerchief I could borrow? WOLOWITZ GIVES MOLLY A HANDKERCHIEF AND SHE IMMEDIATELY DROPS IT. MOLLY (CONT’D) Oops! I’ll get it.

MOLLY BENDS OVER AT THE HIPS, HER REAR RIGHT IN FRONT OF WOLOWITZ FOR A LONG BEAT. WOLOWITZ STARES. FINALLY, SHE COMES BACK UP WITH THE HANDKERCHIEF AND PATS HER NECK WITH IT.

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30.

MOLLY (CONT’D) That was clumsy of me. WOLOWITZ (DISGUSTED) You can keep it. MOLLY (STILL DETERMINED) I guess I should shower. I like to start with the Here you go.

shampoo and watch the soapy bubbles just drip down my body. WOLOWITZ You should really let shampoo soak in. A good surfactant needs some time to work. MOLLY LOOKS AT PENNY: “WHAT IS THIS GUY’S PROBLEM?” MOLLY I’ll try to remember that. MOLLY EXITS ON THE VERGE OF TEARS. PENNY LOOKS TO LEONARD: “I TRIED!” PENNY CROSSES OFF IN PURSUIT OF HER FRIEND. SHELDON (TO LEONARD) This is when Kirk usually activates the self-destruct sequence. LEONARD (GRAVELY) It’s time for Plan X.

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31.

SHELDON Don’t worry. I’ve got this in the

proverbial bag. (TO WOLOWITZ) Howard, you look hungry. How would you like---

SHELDON WHIPS OUT HOMEMADE BROWNIES. SHELDON (CONT’D) ---a brownie? EVERYONE IS STUNNED. WOLOWITZ You made brownies? SHELDON Yes. Try one. SHELDON WATCHES

WOLOWITZ AMBIVALENTLY TAKES A BROWNIE. EAGERLY UNTIL WOLOWITZ TAKE A BITE. SHELDON (CONT’D) Now, feel better? WOLOWITZ Not really.

LEONARD SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GRABS WOLOWITZ BY THE ARM. LEONARD Howard, come with me. to you in private. LEONARD CROSSES OFF WITH WOLOWITZ. SHELDON (BAFFLED) I was sure that would work. CUT TO: I need to speak

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32.

INT. GYM LOCKER ROOM - CONTINUOUS (DAY 3) (LEONARD, WOLOWITZ) LEONARD AND WOLOWITZ ENTER. LEONARD Howard, I realize I will never be able to appeal to your instincts, but maybe I can appeal to your rational mind. WOLOWITZ LOOKS AT LEONARD WITH A BLANK STARE. LEONARD (CONT’D) I don’t care about the gift for Penny. You need to help us return you to normal. You are a great engineer, a

great person (BEAT) and a great friend. WOLOWITZ I don’t know what to tell you. LEONARD Just tell me you’ll try. Tell me I

you’ll try to be the old Wolowitz. want my friend back. WOLOWITZ IS TOUCHED. WOLOWITZ I’ll try. THEY SHARE A SMILE. LEONARD That’s all I ask. Let’s go.

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33.

LEONARD AND HOWARD EXIT. HOWARD (O.S.) Is the is the way we came in? RESET TO: INT. WOMEN’S SHOWERS - CONTINUOUS (DAY 2) (LEONARD, WOLOWITZ, EXTRAS) FROM BETWEEN WOMEN’S BARE LEGS, WE SEE LEONARD AND WOLOWITZ AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE SHOWERS. BOTH ARE WIDE-EYED. LEONARD I think we may be in the wrong locker room. WOLOWITZ I think I’m ready to try! CUT TO: INT. GYM - CONTINUOUS (DAY 3) (LEONARD, SHELDON, WOLOWITZ, KOOTHRAPPALI, MOLLY, BUFF MALE 1, BUFF MALE 2) SHELDON AND KOOTHRAPPALI STAND AWKWARDLY TOGETHER. A BUFF MALE 1 STROLLS BY. BUFF MALE 1 (TO SHELDON) Right on, spaceman! HE CROSSES OFF. SHELDON These people are stupider than I thought. In what way does my outfit

look like it would stand up to the rigors of a 3G shuttle launch?

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34.

KOOTHRAPPALI But notice, he didn’t attack. try something. BUFF MALE 2 PASSES BY. KOOTHRAPPALI (CONT’D) (SINGING AT HIM) Woah, we’re halfway there! prayer! BUFF MALE 2 Get lost, Ghandi. KOOTHRAPPALI BACKS OFF. KOOTHRAPPALI The savage beast did not seem soothed. SFX: WOMEN SCREAM FROM THE LOCKER ROOM. KOOTHRAPPALI (CONT’D) What do you suppose that was? LEONARD AND WOLOWITZ ENTER, SCRATCHED AND BEAT-UP. SHELDON What happened to you? LEONARD I don’t want to talk about it. Although I think my Plan X may have worked. Woah, woah! Livin’ on a Let me

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35.

SHELDON If anything it was the erectile dysfunction medicine that I added to the brownies. LEONARD You did what now? MOLLY ENTERS. MOLLY I forgot my--- (SEES WOLOWITZ) Oh my God! What happened? WOLOWITZ I am now that you’re here! LEONARD AND KOOTHRAPPALI HIGH FIVE. WOLOWITZ (CONT’D) How about you and I go back to my place for a romantic dinner? My Are you alright?

mother makes meatloaf on Fridays. MOLLY IS SUDDENLY VERY TURNED OFF. MOLLY That sounds... yeah. I, um, need to You

go home and get changed first. still have my number, right? WOLOWITZ

Actually I believe I’ve misplaced it. MOLLY Oh thank god.

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MOLLY RUNS OFF. LEONARD Is it? Are you? How do you feel?

WOLOWITZ Look at all the hot tail! LEONARD Oh thank god. THE GANG HELPS WOLOWITZ UP. SHELDON Now that this Jekyll and Hyde freak show has run its unnatural course, can we please get going? This place

smells like the animal testing lab after that Christmas the feeders were accidentally off all week. LEONARD Yeah, let’s go. Howard, we have a

birthday present to build! WOLOWITZ Screw that. Pete’s. I gotta get down to

It’s Ladies Night and I’m

riding two days worth of backed up testosterone! WOLOWITZ EXITS. Cowabunga!

SHELDON APPROACHES LEONARD SYMPATHETICALLY.

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SHELDON If you thought that would work, I am going to have to revoke your status as a fellow Homo Novus. LEONARD Bite me. CUT TO:

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38.

SCENE D INT. LEONARD AND SHELDON’S APARTMENT - DAY (DAY 4) (LEONARD, SHELDON, PENNY) SHELDON WATCHES TELEVISION. LEONARD Oh god. second. SHELDON So you admit that she is a burden on this apartment? LEONARD No. It’s her birthday and I have no Penny’s going to be here any LEONARD ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM.

gift. SHELDON Quite a conundrum. LEONARD What am I going to do? SHELDON You could consider the fact that I am watching Deep Space Nine and don’t care.

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LEONARD You know, you are a very unsupportive friend. Would it kill you to show

some humanity for once? SFX: A KITCHEN TIMER DINGS. SHELDON Ooh! My cupcakes are ready!

SHELDON STANDS AND SHUFFLES TO THE KITCHEN. HE REMOVES A TRAY OF CUPCAKES FROM THE OVEN AND SNIFFS THEM OBNOXIOUSLY. SHELDON (CONT’D) Lovely! LEONARD This is perfect! these! SHELDON Penny will adore what? mine! LEONARD Please, Sheldon. SHELDON Absolutely not! LEONARD I’ll clean your room for a month. SHELDON My room is already spotless. These are Penny will adore

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LEONARD I’ll give you my entire Lord of the Rings DVD Box set plus cast-iron Gimli figurine. SHELDON Not interested. LEONARD Plus my vintage Star Trek phaser as seen in the motion picture Star Trek: First Contact. SHELDON And the limited edition Jean-Luc combadge? LEONARD Yes! PENNY ENTERS. PENNY Hey--SHELDON Leonard baked you these cupcakes for your birthday. LEONARD (EXASPERATED) Surprise... PENNY CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN. PENNY Aw, Leonard! That’s so sweet!

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LEONARD Anything for a friend like you. (SOTTO, TO SELF) Anything... PENNY TAKES A CUPCAKE. SHELDON Can Leonard and I have one? Leonard’s

been practicing his cooking and is curious to see how they turned out. PENNY Of course. LEONARD AND SHELDON BOTH GRAB CUPCAKES. AFTER A BEAT, THEY ALL TAKE BITES SIMULTANEOUSLY. PENNY AND LEONARD ARE CLEARLY DISGUSTED. SHELDON NOTICES THEIR DISTASTE. SHELDON What? No love? FADE OUT. END OF ACT TWO

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42.

TAG FADE IN: INT. BAR - THAT NIGHT - (NIGHT 4) (WOLOWITZ, BAR GIRL, EXTRAS) WOLOWITZ SITS AT THE BAR WITH A DIAGRAM, TALKING UP A BAR GIRL. WOLOWITZ No, no. This one picks up laundry.

And don’t forget the lilac! BAR GIRL I guess that’s pretty neat. WOLOWITZ How about you and I head to my place, throw off our clothes and let it get to work. DISGUSTED, THE BAR GIRL LEAVES. SMILES BIG. AFTER A BEAT, WOLOWITZ

WOLOWITZ (CONT’D) I’m back baby! FADE OUT. END OF SHOW