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Personal Essay: Exposure To Physical Abuse

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Beginning at the age of 5, I was sexually abused by a family member — I was forced into secrecy and had nobody to talk to. Throughout my childhood I often wondered what my life would be like had this not happened to me. I grew up confused, angry, and scared— feeling as though my life was a total lie. Of course, I had to make people think I was happy, especially my parents; I played this role quite well. As Gonzalez (2012) states, “... Exposure to physical abuse in childhood [is] associated with increased risk of depression.” This was definitely a risk factor I would soon experience. Luckily for myself, I was born with elite athletic skills. Since a very young age, I was active in multiple sports whether it was running, cycling, figure skating, …show more content…
I was living in constant fog—resembling an invisible wall before my eyes. I had feelings of helplessness and hopelessness; no matter my desire, I could not break free. My sleeping patterns had shifted- I was either losing sleep, or sleeping too much. Additionally, I had lost feeling for anything positive— I knew I was facing positive experiences but had no feeling. Losing interest for daily activities was another consequence—I no longer enjoyed the presence of family, friends, hiking outdoors, socializing etc. I felt extremely lonely even though I was well aware I was not. I rode an emotional rollercoaster for months— crying, irritable, angry, and …show more content…
I experienced appetite/weight fluctuations; my initial symptoms consisted of vomiting for two weeks, but not long after I gained my weight back and more (the sedentary life did not help). Stigma was another issue— something was “wrong” with me; I was ashamed and embarrassed. These constant symptoms led to uncontrollable thoughts leading myself to contemplate suicide. As Richard (2015) describes, “...adolescents, and adults who sustained a [traumatic brain injury have] a higher risk of suicide...” I had no desire to live any longer... why would it matter? I had nothing to lose anyways; everything I worked for was gone. I was so lost that I had made it far enough to write suicidal letters to each family member—crying while writing them. I wished to die each and every day. I knew deep down I did not want this, but could not control my thoughts. In addition, while driving, I endlessly wished I would be hit by oncoming traffic, hoping the hit was hard enough to kill in an

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