My Personal Journey

These past two years of my life’s journey have been bittersweet. There’s been, happy, many sad and depressing moments, angry moments and stressful ones too. After getting out of a six year relationship with a man I was deeply in love with and thought I was going to marry, I decided to put both feet on the ground and finally dedicate my time to myself rather than pursuing a relationship that everyone knew was never going to work out. I even knew it, but rather was in total denial. I decided that I had spent too many years in community college and trying to make everyone else around me happy, except myself. I took initiative in trying to look for a university to transfer to. I decided that I was going to take my professional life more seriously, finish my education, and satisfy my needs before everyone else’s. Never did I think that the last two years of my life were going to be the most painful and difficult of my whole short life. I was living in my own little world, where I was very comfortable with my surroundings until fate introduced me to reality. I went to community college right out of high school. I spent 5 years out of my life from community college to community college. I went to Orange Coast College, Santa Ana College, and Santiago Community College. Because I was in a relationship, my priority wasn’t college. I was really young and in love. My whole life revolved around his and his schedule without realizing I was only hurting myself, my academics and my future. I would drop classes, not pass them or would just stop going. The move to Riverside didn’t help either. I fell into a depression where I didn’t want to do anything and it would be such a drag for me to get out of bed and commute to Costa Mesa and Newport Beach for work and school. My relationship with my parents was going down the drain. I barely spoke to them. I was mad. I didn’t want to live in Riverside. I wasn’t ready to be on my own, so I had to move. I was selfish. I didn’t realize how lucky I was because my parents never asked me for one penny. I was spoiled. I only had to pay for my bills and my school. My mom even did my laundry and cleaned my room. It was only getting worse. I decided to move out on my own. I rented a condo with my younger sister, moved out and thought I was going to be a lot happier. I was wrong. It was a horrible experience living in a rented condo. There were too many rules to abide by. They accidentally changed the locks on our place and we decided to put thirty days’ notice. Meanwhile, my educational goals were getting nowhere. I had gotten a full time at the city already, so my work life was headed in the right direction. After my boyfriend broke up with me for good, I was devastated. I felt like it was the end for me. How could I not? We were together for six years. I dedicated six years of my life to a person who took me for granted many times, yet I was still there begging for more chances. I decided enough was enough, so I let it be. The reason I decided to enroll in Vanguard University was because it was so convenient for me. It’s local. It’s close to my work and my home, so it was perfect. I wanted to check out other universities but when I had my interview with the recruiter, I decided that I wanted to start right away and this was the perfect program for me. Even though I am not Christian or even religious, I thought it would be a good experience to earn my degree while learning something about the Christian Faith.
There were many obstacles crossing my path. Even though I was heartbroken, I started partying. I started hanging out more and more with my friends. We would go to clubs, bars and house parties. I started drinking heavily and meeting more and more guys. I loved the attention. I was careless. I did stupid things. I knew they were stupid but I didn’t care. I started dating the wrong type of men. I should say boys, because even as they were older, they were certainly not mature in any way. Since I didn’t take them seriously, I didn’t care. It got to the point where I would get so drunk, I would actually black out. Sometimes, as embarrassing and regretful as it is, I would end up driving drunk and the next morning I wouldn’t even remember how I got home. I went through the hardest and most devastating episode of my life at the end of 2008. I didn’t think it was worth living anymore. I was done and ready to give up. I ended up talking with my doctor and because I had been having high levels and anxiety and depression, he prescribed the medication. At first they helped, but there were times where I’d still be sad. By the end of last year, I said, “enough is enough!” I couldn’t let other people drag me down by influencing me to make decisions that would lead my life in the wrong direction. I stopped going out so much and started relaxing and hanging out more and more with my family. I would spend weekends with my parents in Riverside. I would relax so much and ended up loving it over there.
My year was starting out very busy with school and work. Because of the budget deficit in the City of Newport Beach, many people were given the “golden handshake.” Many positions weren’t filled and others were reclassified to lower positions. My department consisted of two full time employees and one part time employee. My supervisor was one of the ones who retired in December. Life was good. I was in charge of our little Accounts Payable department. It was only the part timer working full time hours with no benefits and up to the day she is still working under those conditions. Reorganization of our department is still in the works so there is a lot of stress going on and work getting backed up. We try to be as patient as possible but coworkers are very demanding. Everything was going okay, though. To find out one day, that a beloved coworker’s daughter passed away on Valentine’s Day because of a drunk driver was very heartbreaking. She was also a coworker, only twenty years old and the only child. I felt terrible. I felt guilty. I was so lucky that I had never hurt anyone or myself when making that stupid decision of driving drunk. I promised myself that from that day on I would never do that again. I promised either I find a designated driver or take a taxi. The next month on Easter Sunday, I get another phone call. My former supervisor, who had retired barely in December, passed way. She was only fifty-nine years old. I had worked with her for over three years. We got along great. We had that love and hate relationship where you agree to disagree and are very honest with each other, regardless what our thoughts were. She was a great mentor and friend. I could tell her anything and I did. I trusted her completely. Together, we made a great team. There was so much laughter, joking, mischievousness, and singing in Accounts Payable. My anxiety level arose. I couldn’t sleep for days. I was scared. I slept with the television on for several days, I couldn’t eat either. The prescription had to be increased, but felt no difference. Thinking about her was saddening. Everything at work reminded me of her and until this day I still sleep with the television on. The next few weeks after that, city hall lost three more family members and my good friend lost his father last Thursday. It was too much. What else could happen in this year?
With all that going on, the pressure with satisfying my parents to graduate on time and buy a home was just too much for me. I was ready to give up. I’m working full time, going to school full time and trying to look for a new home all at the same time. I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I felt almost worthless. Because my dad has such great expectations from us, I always felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I was never satisfied. Of course I wanted to make him and my mom proud. After all, they had sacrificed everything, including their life, to give their daughters a better life than they ever had. I can honestly say that even though I have a good job, trying to finish these last few classes, already own a home at the age of twenty five, I still feel like I have not done enough. I feel like I have not made my parents proud, especially my dad. There is just a flaw in everything I do that makes my accomplishments not look good enough. I was sad for a while. I felt that while everyone surrounding was very thrilled, excited and proud of me, the only person who I wanted approval from was him, my dad. I cried for days. I almost regretted buying the home of my dreams. I felt like I was a failure and was tired of proving that I’m actually succeeding.
Vanguard had been giving me many opportunities. When I most needed someone, I was always able to turn to my counselor. Jessica is very understanding. She always kept me on my feet. She always made sure that I was current with my classes and always there to listen to me. I honestly didn’t know what I would have done without her advice and caring personality. The one thing I love about Vanguard are the professors. They genuinely care about their students. The counselor gets to know their students very personally. They’re very interactive. I’d never had that experience at other colleges. The only thing that would bring me down were the oral presentations in classes. I am afraid of public speaking so for me it was nerve wrecking. Also to have to be with a cohort for two whole years didn’t sound very thrilling. I love to meet new people, so I wasn’t excited when I heard I was going to be stuck with the same group of people for the whole program. I was worried about how they were going to be and if I was going to get along with all of them. I ended up changing cohorts in the middle of the program due to a break I had to take during halfway. It was getting too overwhelming for me. With the new cohort, I felt like I fit right in, up until the last two weeks ago. Luckily, there are only two classes left.
After this long and difficult journey, I have realized that I am a great person. Even though I have my outbursts because I have a short fuse, I am a very caring, sensitive and great person. I discovered that a business degree not being satisfying enough for my soul, I want to become a Navy Nurse. I recently discovered that I want to take care for other people. I want to make them feel better and heal their illnesses just like the people who have easily healed my wounds have helped me. I feel that becoming a Navy Nurse not only do I fulfill my self satisfaction but I also serve fellow men and women in the Military. My biggest dream to accomplish now is to become a Navy Nurse and travel around the country along with other Military men and women and be there for them in critical situations, not only in the time of war but all the time. I learned that the most important person I have to satisfy is me and God. As long as I have accomplished my goals and dreams and I am happy with the outcome, I will have fulfilled my life. Throughout this journey I not only take education, a degree and new skills, but I also take great experiences, friends and memories.