One of the most defining moments of my adolescence was when I experienced crushing disappointment. It was a reality check I was not ready for as a fairly happy, sheltered twelve year old. My first soccer practice with a highly competitive and frank coach did not go as I expected The drive to this soccer practice is what I could only describe as the calm before the storm. It was a stiflingly hot August day and the day felt like it was on pause. There was a calming buzz of bugs outside, there were no clouds in the sky and no movement in sight. I was in a joyous stupor, my feet tapped in anticipation and I had my hand outside the car dancing on the horizon. It was not overpowering all-consuming happiness but it was a giddy contentment like a …show more content…
Why was this happening now? Why me? I thought about how I didn’t deserve this. I thought I must have done something, these things do just happen to ‘regular’ people and I was just a kid, what have I done? My throat closed tighter, my fists closed and I dug my fingernails into the flesh of my hand creating satisfying gouges. My knuckles turned white and screams were echoing, pounding in my mind. My head was a small hollow room and as I screamed the yells and shouts melded together as the echoes drowned out the other. The sounds became symphonic and rage lulled my other …show more content…
“What is going on?” I told him I had asthma. “You should have that under control. Have you been slacking? Not working out?” The more he spoke, the more my resentment for him strengthened, he confirmed my worst fears. It was my own fault, my inadequacy is my fault. I just smiled at him. “I did not like what I saw at try outs. You weren’t even my last pick, someone joined a different team and only then I chose you. Consider yourself lucky.” He laughed, and so did I and then he walked off to my other teammates.
This was too much to handle for me at the time and I cried, and I hated myself for crying. For being inadequate. For being a failure. For not being able to do my favorite thing right. For being a disappointment. I stopped crying and continued practice. I remember being berated for not having ‘basic soccer skills’ multiple times and did pushups in front of my team at least three times. My disappointment in myself and resentment for my coach had a battle. They struggled for two hours and I switched between blaming myself and blaming the coach until practice finally