An Educational Autobiography

December 11th, 2012
Since I could remember I always had stars in my eyes as bright as diamonds are. When I was in 4th grade I formed a group called the California Girls and each member had their own special “Hollywood “name. My Hollywood name was Debbie Ruby. I now know looking back, it sounds like a porn star name. But that was me at the ripe young age of 10 not knowing what went behind all that glitz and glamour I had seen on television growing up. In the 6th grade year book, right next to my picture beside ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’ was the words “an actress.” There was always something intriguing about the idea of Hollywood, and it has always had its grasp on me just like a collar around a dog’s neck and it still does.
The Hollywood film industry takes art in a vital role in society and within that connection lays the opportunity to help shape a socially conscious agenda in the 21st Century. Power, intentionally employed, can awaken the birth of transformational progression and advancement in our world. Power is an aptitude to be cherished- it is grimly abused when utilized strictly for economic or personal rewards. Hollywood is the epitome of power strictly for personal and/or economic gain.
Lights, camera, action! It all sounds enticing doesn’t it? The glitz, glamour, and fame is all one thinks of when Hollywood comes to mind, but what about the dark side of Hollywood? Nobody ever talks about that. It slaps you harder in the face than you could ever imagine. A lot of people move to Hollywood chasing a dream that has been a part of their entire being since as far back as they can recall. Against the toughest competition along with the hurdles of living in a big city, those optimistic lively souls that yearned to live and die for their dreams depart with a shattered heart, often times broke. There are a million failures for each one’s success. Hollywood can be a wonderful place for those who can endure meeting with sharks, getting turned down left and right for a role, and the biggest challenge of all staying true to yourself.
“So, would you like a smoke?” It was a clear, bright day and the sun was shining as I rested on the bench on my break. I was thinking this guy actually looked familiar.
“No I actually don’t smoke,” I said.
“Oh, ok, what show are you working on today?”
“Boston Legal, and what are you guys doing?”
“We are casting for a film; do you want to read for it up in our office?”
“Sure. “ I followed them into an elevator into an office several levels up.
Little did I know what where I was about to endure was a trap, but my naivety got the best of me. I proceeded up the steps to the casting office at Manhattan Beach Studios in Los Angeles, Ca. The reading turned into being coaxed into kissing Quentin Tarantino’s father Tony. Let’s just say I was as frozen as an ice cube, a deer caught in headlights. I got out of that office as fast as I could and didn’t look back. When I moved to Los Angeles at the age of 25, no one, not even my parents took me seriously. They said you’re ideas are grandiose and pie in the sky and you should just stick with going to school to be a doctor or a lawyer. I packed up my car with all my belongings and drove across country with my sister and her boyfriend, and never looked back. The fact of the matter is I grew up with other family members in the spotlight. My cousin Frank Nicotero is a TV personality that has performed comedy since a young age. My cousin Greg Nicotero, my Dad’s brother’s son, is an Oscar award winning special effects artist, actor, and producer who moved to Los Angeles at a young age and became very successful. He got his start ironically from being introduced to George Romero, the producer of The Night of the Living Dead, in Italy by my Uncle Sam who is a local actor in Pittsburgh. My Uncle Sam was the major catalyst in my cousin’s success, because if he had never had met George Romero he couldn’t have gone on to work with him on Dawn of the Dead which spawned his career. My point to the story is my cousin never returned the favor and never helped him with his career. He is now one of the producers of the hit TV Show the “Walking Dead.” What people don’t understand, and what I didn’t understand at the time, is that power gets in the way and people in Hollywood become very selfish human beings. My own blood relative never extended a hand to help me with my career in my 6 years living in LA. Living in Los Angeles was an eye opening experience for me. I have met many great people along the way and wouldn’t take back one red hot second. There is one thing I knew very early on when I moved there. I realized that nothing was more important than getting an education. So, from the age 26 on, I decided to go to school part time, one class at a time, so I could get my general degree requirements out of the way. I knew deep down in my heart and soul that I needed something to fall back on if my career in acting never took off because that was the stark reality and I knew it very early on. I realized education was very important although I dropped out of college about 4 years earlier. When I first moved to Los Angeles I didn’t have an apartment and couch surfed for the first few months, and ended up thankfully finding an apartment that was within my budget. It was a sublet from French man who traveled back and forth to Switzerland once a year and wanted somebody trustworthy to look over his place when he was gone. For the first year, I watched his apartment from May until December and didn’t know if I would have enough money to come up with the rent to move into another place. I wasn’t making too much money at the time, since I was working as a background actress for 12 hour days 5-6 days a week at a rate of 6.25 an hour. I was considered a non-union actor since I did not have union status at that point, which is another feet I achieved. In order to work on major television and films you have to be a union actor and they rarely ever hire a non-union actor. There are some major loopholes to get into the union, and they are mostly by dumb luck and by being at the right place at the right time. This is pretty much how I view Hollywood. Making a big break reminds me of a lottery machine. Every line on the slot machine has to add up equally in order to hit a jackpot. It’s all random and computerized. This computerization is powered by the networks, producers, directors, controlling the hard drive with every pull, almost as a puppet hanging on a string.
So at the end of 2005 I found myself financially strapped and I had to move into a one bedroom apartment with another girl. I really had no choice in the matter or else I would have had to pack up and move home. The rent for a one bedroom at the time was about $1200.00 a month and that wasn’t even in a nice area of Los Angeles. This was all to fulfill a dream. I eventually met my boyfriend of 3 years on a TV set and lived with him for about 2 years. When I look back now, I think I just did it for the convenience and not for the right reasons. I didn’t have the money to live on my own at that point either. Eventually that relationship exploded and I found myself back to square one again trying to find another apartment in the fall of 2007. In the midst of all of this, I was going to acting school, and I had a good talent agent. He would submit me for project after project for over a year and I didn’t get into one audition with the major networks. I went on auditions for a ton of independent projects but nothing ever panned out for me. My boyfriend constantly booked movie roles and commercials and my green eyed monster came out. We constantly fought as tensions arose from my lack of career success as he skyrocketed. Again, power displayed its ugly head again. It was so important for me to become successful that I couldn’t care less if the people in my life found success. My agent eventually dropped me and said he had a conflict of interest at his agency that looked identical to me. That was pretty much the downward spiral of my acting career. Then in the fall of 2008 I received a lump sum payment for an unlawful termination lawsuit and it gave me enough money to continue on my path to success. I attended the acting school of Howard Fine Acting Studio, one of the renowned coaches in Hollywood, having trained stars such as Brad Pitt and Liam Hemsworth. The school wasn’t cheap and I found myself plopping down $5000 to attend his beginner and intermediate courses. I eventually tapped out of all my money I had again, in late of 2009. I had no choice but to pack up and move to Arizona. I moved in with my sister so I could get back on my feet again and went to work for Chase bank. The truth is I never planned on being here in Arizona for the next 3 years. My plan was to save up my money again and move back to Hollywood.
I work at a stable job and have a stable income. I have an agent here and go on auditions from time to time for bigger projects, last I auditioned for was for the show Las Vegas. But what I realized from stepping out of Hollywood, that there are many more important things to life than being famous or being an actress. Family is the most important of all and nothing can replace that. Having a stable career and income and planning for the future is of utmost importance. Although one would think my value system would be completely changed, it’s actually gotten stronger. I think that the lesson learned from moving to Hollywood, is that just because it looks pretty on the outside doesn’t mean it looks pretty on the inside. When I was a teenager I had met a talent agent in Pittsburgh, who had set up a fake agency and took advantage of innocent women, including me. I am fortunate to be still writing this paper as we speak, is all I will say on the subject as it’s too private to get into in a paper.
If I could speak to a younger me now, I would definitely stress not trusting anyone. It sounds really harsh but in the entertainment business you never know what you will find. I was naïve many times over as it was my optimism that got the best of me. I always thought people had the right intentions when in fact, they did not. In the end it all boils down to power. The guy who ran the fake agency took advantage by using his power over others. Tony Tarantino’s father used his power over me to try and get something for his benefit. My cousin is so wrapped up in his own world, that power has overtaken him as well. All that is important to him is being on the top, not helping anyone in his way. Now in my present life I try to be the best person I can possibly be. I don’t try to do favors for people to benefit myself; I do them because it feels good to me to see a smile on someone else’s face. If I could move back to Hollywood and do it all over again, I would go back with a solid executed plan. Not a haphazard, fly by the seat of my pants, type attitude. That never gets you anywhere when a plan isn’t in motion. Who knows, maybe down the line I will decide to move back when I am confident and ready. I want to establish a career and a solid foundation for my future first.