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Relationship

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Submitted By ceddrick100
Words 1550
Pages 7
Ceddrick Harris
Oct. 3, 2014
SPCH 1300/10a.m. (MWF)
University of Central Arkansas

Adriian Gardner

‘’How Every Good Man Fails’’

How Every Good Man Fails?

It all started this summer I was on a quest to find the other half of me, my soul mate some may say. On my quest I did find a person who I thought would be my soul mate but wasn’t. By using Mark Knapp’s stages of getting in and out of a relationship, I’m going to tell you about this summer time heartbreak. But first I must explain that there are ten stages of Mark Knapp’s relationship stages in getting in and out of a relationship. Mark Knapp’s getting into a relationship stages are initiating, experimenting, intensifying, integrating, and bonding (Author Mark, K., pg. 208, Figure7-1). And Mark Knapp’s stages of getting out a relationship are differencing, circumscribing, stagnating, avoiding, and termination (pg. 208, Figure 7-1).
First off the girl I fell for was not a girl I would typically fall for because she wasn’t my type. And when we went into the Initiating stage of our relationship as described by Mark Knapp as the stage of starting a relationship (pg. 208, Figure 7-1), I just saw our first encounter as a friendly conversation. I only spoke to her because of the setting of the situation she was in, which was a funny setting dealing with a crazy guy harassing her. The setting took place while I was walking from the park. A friend who was with me and happened to be related to her, he invited her to the park also so she walked with us also. Anyway, as we walk from the park, a crazy guy pops out of nowhere and starts saying inappropriate things to her, which led me to stop and offer help to get rid of the guy. I acclaimed to the man that I was her boyfriend. She was mad about the whole encounter, so I decided to start a conversation with her to smooth things over. When I chose to talk to her, even though it was meaningless conversation it started the initiating stage of the relationship.
The experiment stage is “small talk” that occurs when two people start an acquaintanceship (pg. 208). This stage of the relationship occurred with us due to a Facebook game called TBH, which means to be honest. In my TBH I jokingly admitted that the guy who harassed her was kind of funny. She admitted that he was also, and we started to talk jokingly about the encounter. After our conversation, we continued to talk every night or every other night. Our conversation started to get deeper. We started to have contestation about celebrities, our family, and asking about each other every day. Our relationship started to intensify which is the third step of Mark Knapp’s idea of getting into a relationship (pg.209). The Intensifying stage is when two parties start to “express their feelings directly” (pg.209). We were defiantly friends by the end of this stage. I began to fall for her wanting more than being friends; I knew exactly what type of guys she liked, and they weren’t as good as I was, they were every teenage girl’s dream of a “Bad Boy”.
As time passed, our relationship grew stronger. The school year was over and I was an official graduate of my high school planning the start of my future. Our relationship had intensify even more. We continued our relationship even though we now lived in two different locations far from each other. We started to hang out with each other even though we had to deal with the distance problem. At that point we entered the integrating stage of our relationship. The Integrating stage is when the parties start to take on an identity as a social unit (pg. 209). I continued to fall for her time after time, and at this point she left her longtime boyfriend, perfect timing right. I told her all the right things that a woman needs to her from a good man as myself. We began to publicly display our relationship but still as friends. We loved each other, but my love was stronger than hers, way too strong, which I regret because it ruined our relationship. I told my family how I felt for her and they insisted that I tell her before it was too late. But I was afraid of the one fear that every good man is afraid of which is the good man curse. The good man curse is when girls choose their emotionally unhealthy boyfriend over a good man. Our bond was there but not the romance because I failed to tell her how I felt, and when I did finally tell her, it was too late. My curse was put into action. She went back to her boyfriend. So with that I felt our bond was not real. Mark’s bond stage is when the parties make symbolic public gestures to show the world their relationship exists (pg.209). Our bond began to die because her love for her boyfriend began to be her overall priority making her forget about her friends. I tried to stay her friend but she, even though she didn’t was causing me to fall in a state of depression. I needed to get out of the relationship because my depression was getting worse by continuing to have a relationship with her because I couldn’t come to an answer of why she choose her ex. This cause the differentiating stage because I didn’t agree with her decision. The differentiating stage is when someone or both shifts to put me downs rather than “hold me tight” (pg.210).
My love for her was still there, but I mentally masked any feeling for her. Basically, I shut her out. I continued to encourage her but not the same as before. The circumscribing stage was hard for me, but I had to do it. In circumscribing stage communication between the parties decreases in quantity and quality (pg.210). I continued with my circumscribing stage. And eventually I only made small talk with her. The conversations was no longer deep but simple as if we were two strangers. If circumscribing continues, the relationship begins to stagnate (pg. 210). We hit the stagnating stage, I started to avoid her messages and pleas for help when she was down, which was the hardest thing to do, pretending she didn’t exist. I felt like a mother hearing her babying crying but couldn’t do anything about it. This caused true pain. I entered the avoiding stage, the stage when stagnation is too unpleasant, and parties in a relationship began to create distance between each other (pg.210). With time on my hands I figured out what caused our relationship to have a downfall. The terminating stage of the relationship is the summary of what went wrong in the relationship to cause it to go wrong before the desire to dissociate (pg.210).
Now I will reveal my story conclusion and my title conclusion. But first I will like to thank Mark Knapp for a beautiful summary of getting in and out of a relationship. As good man we fail at love because we forget to stand up for ourselves and set out our boundaries as a good man. What I mean by that is we must establish clearly what we want in our relationships rather it being either a friendship or romance with a woman. Let her know what you want from the relationship. By using the model by Knapp I evaluated my relationship failure as a good man which will help me in the future and other good man out there, hopefully. Also a good man tends to give up on relationships that don’t end in romance due to no patience to wait for the woman to choose right. This is a major needed fix; give her time to adjust to your plans for her to be in a romantic relationship with you. I was inspired by a book to come up with this conclusion and idea. The book explained why some woman choose attraction over goodness of a man. Given time in the book it can be pulled out that woman will eventually choose attraction over goodness. A quote from the text that applies to woman is “We accept the love we think we deserve” (The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Author Stephen, C.). Understanding this quote, I understood some women choose to be with attractive men because the women believe they deserve the best looking guy, but in actuality they eventually come to terms with the fact that the good guys are the one they deserve. This essay showed all ten steps of Mark Knapp’s relationship model which shows his model is creditable. I conclude that relationships only fail because we are not fully informed of what goes into a relationship but that can be fixed with Mark Knapp’s model.

Reference
Adler, R., Rodman, G., & Pre, A. (2013). Understanding Interpersonal Communication. In Understanding Human communication (12th ed., pp. 208-210). New York: Oxford University Press.
Chbosky, S. (1999). The perks of being a wallflower. New York: Pocket Books.

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