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Satire

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One of the most widely used illegal drugs in America is Marijuana. Over 30% of Americans over the age of 13 have used this horrible drug and half of all youth under the age of 18 have smoked marijuana. Aside from the fact that smoking "a doobie" probably won't cause painful (or painless, for that matter) death to its users, it is often the leading cause of a few high school dropouts, mild laziness, sleeping in school, partying, having fun, sleeping in beds at night, and acting completely normal and socially acceptable in their daily lives. It is sufficient to say that marijuana use among minors is very dangerous to America. I am proposing a solution to the problem of marijuana use. In order to stop someone from doing one thing, you must present them with another choice. This other choice will be cost effective and beneficial to our society.

This modest proposal is free government handouts of tobacco products to minors. This new program, which is to be made mandatory under law in all fifty states, will quickly and absolutely solve our problems. A tobacco distribution stand will be built in front of the main entrance of every public school. Cigarettes will be handed out, free of charge, and no record will be taken of the consumer. Once someone under the age of eighteen spends a majority of their day smoking tobacco, they won't have time to smoke "kush" anymore. They will easily make the move from marijuana to tobacco because "cancer sticks" give the user a kind of "need" to smoke again, whereas marijuana has been proven to do nothing of the sort, which is why it is so harmful to America and its future. Even better, more and more people will begin to smoke and have it become another part of our lives. It can help families bond and take some diversity out of school. Plus it will slingshot the economic industry, giving privileges to companies to expand onto the vast environment and populate it because who needs all the plants and animals when theres progress to be made. All untouched space on Earth could be cleared for factories to manufacture cigarettes.

Is marijuana as bad as society makes it out to be? Since the 1930's marijuana has been illegal in the United States. That being said it's somehow America's number one cash crop. Users of the drug aren't the only ones who support cannabis; many of us who do not indulge are pro-legalization because we see that prohibition does more harm than good. The legalization of marijuana would help get the economy going again. Despite great efforts by the federal government against marijuana, it has become a large part of the national economy. Imagine if we were to legalize and tax it, the government would make tons of profit and we could start paying off this $16 trillion national debt. Not to mention it would create tons of jobs and people in prison for marijuana crimes would be released. In a country with only 5% of the earth's population, the United States holds 25% of the world's prisoners. A significant amount of those criminals are in there for drug related crimes. The war on drugs is a complete failure. It's done nothing but waste taxpayer dollars, fill prisons with nonviolent criminals, and create a black market. The main reason cannabis remains illegal is because lobbyists are making tons of money off of prohibition. For example, Pharmaceutical companies lobby against cannabis because at a lower price, there are so many drugs (painkillers, sleep medication) it could replace. Another group that benefits greatly from prohibition are the drug cartels. Legalize marijuana and you cut a huge percent of their profits, army strength, and political power. Otherwise they're going to do whatever they can to save the marijuana black market. You could argue that marijuana is physically unhealthy for you and that's why it's illegal. But then you'd have to explain why alcohol and tobacco are legal because those substances are way more harmful than cannabis. 79,000 people a year die from alcohol poisoning, while zero have died from marijuana.

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