Jack Royston
Dr. Patricia Oman
Eng 100
11/17/15

Essay 5
Attempt 2
I visited London before I came to America and it was a very emotional and enjoyable experience and I feel that it is a memorable experience as I spent time in my favorite city. I also feel that it would be relevant to other people as it is a famous city and many people would be interested in visiting it as it has many famous landmarks and buildings. I live in Essex in England, which is 30 minutes away from London by the train. I have visited London many times to visit friends, see the sights and to attend soccer training sessions. I became reasonably emotional; as it was the last time I would see London for many months. I feel that London is an amazing city and that it has so many sites to visit and I have many memories from visiting London. It is also the capital of England and it is one of the biggest cities in the world and it makes you feel like you are in an important place.
I visited London with my friend that I have known for many years and we spent the day travelling around our favorite areas of the city. It was a hot summer’s day in July and I remember feeling excited the entire day and looking forward to enjoying the city. We arrived at London Liverpool Street at approximately 11:00 am and then took the tube to Oxford Circus station. We walked around Oxford Circus going into different shops and observing the busy street. I enjoyed the feeling of being able to enjoy the city as I noticed that many people in the street were rushing around and seemed stressed and I felt lucky to be able to enjoy myself and be able to enjoy what I do. Oxford Circus is a famous area in London and it has many classy shops and restaurants. It is also a very colourful area and is filled with numerous shops and signs covered in stimulating colours. This causes the area to be special and makes it an interesting place to be.
We then got the tube to Knightsbridge station and walked onto Knightsbridge Road. We walked along the road and it is filled with expensive and luxurious shops including Harrods. I did not intended to buy anything, but enjoy spending time in a famous area and walk along the street observing the buildings. As I walked along the street I thought about what America would be like and how the culture would differ to England. I became exited, but nervous at the same time as I have never lived away from home before. I knew I would miss my friends and family, but I knew if I was myself and enjoyed being able to do what I want to do I would be able to make the most of the experience.
We then entered Harrods and I was amazed by the marble floors and the gold interior. It made me feel like I was in a palace and not a store. Furthermore, everything was high quality and classy and I felt very comfortable and relaxed. We went to almost every floor and observed the clothes, furniture and accessories that were on sale and were amazed at how expensive they were.
We then got the tube to Charing Cross station and then walked to the Enbankment, which is next to the River Thames and is an area that has the London Eye and the Houses of Parliament in it. I enjoy going here as it is a monumental area and is very iconic. We walked along the Enbankment and enjoyed the scenery and observed the tourists taking photos with the tourist attractions and buildings. I also observed the different type of people walking along the Enbankment as there were tourists, businessmen, runners and students and this made the area feel unique and special as it is an important and popular area to many people. We then stopped walking and went to a restaurant next to the Enbankment to sit down and talk and enjoy the scenery and observe the area. The restaurant was peaceful and quiet and had a colourful exterior and it overlooked the River Thames and was near the Hungerford Bridge.
We then got the tube to Camden Town station and walked around Camden Town observing the shops and area. It was busy and loud and it became crowded as so many people were on the streets. We observed people from many different cultures and there was music playing from almost every shop. We then decided to go home and got to the tube to London Liverpool Street and then the train home. We arrived at my house at approximately 5:00 pm and I felt satisfied that I had been able to visit London again. I also felt reasonably emotional as it made coming to America feel like a reality, but it also made me feel relaxed as I knew that I’m doing what I want to do.
Finally, I feel that the event would be relevant to other people as everyone has places that they like to visit and everyone has feelings that are generated from attending these places and it affect everyone in a different way as people could have different memories from different places. Also London is one of the biggest cities in the world and it is a famous place as it has large amounts of iconic land marks and buildings. Also my personal experience could be relevant to other people as they could be interested by London and have an interest in being able to go to the iconic buildings and areas.
Peer review
Aspect 1

What is the central memory? Is it described well?

The central memory is the writers last trip to London before moving to America. The paper has very good imagery and does a great job of describing London and the day that he spent there. From the people there to the buildings that he saw, it was very easy to picture London and how important it is to the author.

Aspect 2

What is the significance (or the "so what?")? How does the author explain the personal memory so that it would be interesting to other people? Is the thesis stated explicitly in the essay?

"I feel that the event would be relevant to other people as everyone has places that they like to visit and everyone has feelings that are generated from attending these places and it affect everyone in a different way as people could have different memories from different places. Also London is one of the biggest cities in the world and it is a famous place as it has large amounts of iconic land marks and buildings. Also my personal experience could be relevant to other people as they could be interested by London and have an interest in being able to go to the iconic buildings and areas."

This is the authors final paragraph which describes why his trip to London is relevant to other people. I believe that the thesis is sort of stated in this final paragraph, but there isn't an exact sentence that is the thesis. I think that instead of having just a final paragraph of why your memory is relevant to other people, you should try and describe it throughout your paper. Readers could maybe get bored and wonder why this trip is relevant to them and then finally figure it out at the very end of the paper.

Aspect 3

What strategies does the author use to acknowledge the essay's audience?

The author uses great imagery to acknowledge the essay's audience. He writes out exactly who he is targeting at the end of the paper. I suggest adding in more of a personal feel to the audience that you are trying to reach. You do a great job of giving descriptive details about your day, but make it more about the audience.

Aspect 4

Which paragraphs support the argument the best? Which paragraphs support the argument the least?

I think that the second and third paragraphs support the argument the best because they are relating more to your audience. I think that the fourth paragraph of describing Harrods supports the argument least. To me it is more just describing a place and should relate more to your thesis.

Aspect 5

Are sources cited appropriately?

No sources needed.

Aspect 6

What are the three most important things to work on for revision? (Grammar doesn't count.)

1) Make sure to state why your paper is relevant to other people throughout the paper and not just a paragraph at the end.
2) Your descriptions were very great and easy to visualize, but add more of a "why this is important" to your fourth paragraph.
3) In your intro paragraph, I suggest adding in the fact that you are going to America for college so the audience understands why it is your last time visiting London and will further understand why it is so emotional for you.

Overall feedback

You did a great job with all the details and descriptions of your day! It was very easy to visualize everything you were seeing and even hearing. A good idea would maybe be to change your audience to people that are moving away from home and how it is really tough and emotional. The third paragraph is great because it talks about how you will miss your friends and family back at home, so you could add on to this and change your audience. Just an idea! Overall, good work.
Attempt 1
I visited London before I came to America and it was a very emotional and enjoyable experience and I feel that it is a memorable experience as I spent time in my favorite city. I live in Essex in England, which is 30 minutes away from London by the train. I have visited London many times to visit friends, see the sights and to attend soccer training sessions. I became reasonably emotional; as it was the last time I would see London for many months. I feel that London is an amazing city and that it has so many sites to visit and I have many memories from visiting London. It is also the capital of England and it is one of the biggest cities in the world and it makes you feel like you are in an important place.
I visited London with my friend that I have known for many years and we spent the day travelling around our favorite areas of the city. It was a hot summer’s day in July and I remember feeling excited the entire day and looking forward to enjoying the city. We arrived at London Liverpool Street at approximately 11:00 am and then took the tube to Oxford Circus station. We walked around Oxford Circus going into different shops and observing the busy street. I enjoyed the feeling of being able to enjoy the city as I noticed that many people in the street were rushing around and seemed stressed and I felt lucky to be able to enjoy myself and be able to enjoy what I do. Oxford Circus is a famous area in London and it has many classy shops and restaurants. It is also a very colourful area and is filled with numerous shops and signs covered in stimulating colours. This causes the area to be special and makes it an interesting place to be.
We then got the tube to Knightsbridge station and walked onto Knightsbridge Road. We walked along the road and it is filled with expensive and luxurious shops including Harrods. I did not intended to buy anything, but enjoy spending time in a famous area and walk along the street observing the buildings. As I walked along the street I thought about what America would be like and how the culture would differ to England. I became exited, but nervous at the same time as I have never lived away from home before. I knew I would miss my friends and family, but I knew if I was myself and enjoyed being able to do what I want to do I would be able to make the most of the experience.
We then entered Harrods and I was amazed by the marble floors and the gold interior. It made me feel like I was in a palace and not a store. Furthermore, everything was high quality and classy and I felt very comfortable and relaxed. We went to almost every floor and observed the clothes, furniture and accessories that were on sale and were amazed at how expensive they were.
We then got the tube to Charing Cross station and then walked to the Enbankment, which is next to the River Thames and is an area that has the London Eye and the Houses of Parliament in it. I enjoy going here as it is a monumental area and is very iconic. We walked along the Enbankment and enjoyed the scenery and observed the tourists taking photos with the tourist attractions and buildings. I also observed the different type of people walking along the Enbankment as there were tourists, businessmen, runners and students and this made the area feel unique and special as it is an important and popular area to many people. We then stopped walking and went to a restaurant next to the Enbankment to sit down and talk and enjoy the scenery and observe the area. The restaurant was peaceful and quiet and had a colourful exterior and it overlooked the River Thames and was near the Hungerford Bridge.
We then got the tube to Camden Town station and walked around Camden Town observing the shops and area. It was busy and loud and it became crowded as so many people were on the streets. We observed people from many different cultures and there was music playing from almost every shop. We then decided to go home and got to the tube to London Liverpool Street and then the train home. We arrived at my house at approximately 5:00 pm and I felt satisfied that I had been able to visit London again. I also felt reasonably emotional as it made coming to America feel like a reality, but it also made me feel relaxed as I knew that I’m doing what I want to do.
Finally, I feel that the event would be relevant to other people as everyone has places that they like to visit and everyone has feelings that are generated from attending these places and it affect everyone in a different way as people could have different memories from different places. Also London is one of the biggest cities in the world and it is a famous place as it has large amounts of iconic land marks and buildings. Also my personal experience could be relevant to other people as they could be interested by London and have an interest in being able to go to the iconic buildings and areas.
925 words