Hood Boy 3

September + October + November 2006

Jai

Pain, was the first thing I felt. Then my throat. It hurt like hell and I felt like I was suffocating. Something was stuck in my throat and it hurt. I tried to scream but couldn?t. Around I heard loads of noise then. ?Call the doctor, she?s awake? then more commotion. I tried to move and my body wouldn?t let me. My stomach felt strange aswell. What was going on? I was talking to Marcus then he went away. I wanted him back. I needed him back. I don?t know how long later, but I was sitting up, with the help of loads of pillows, the tube gone from my throat and my throat still hurting. The doctors looked at me with some next looks. I wondered why they were looking at me like that. ?Can I see?? I tried to say but the words wouldn?t come out. ?You?ll find it hard to talk for a bit, take this? the nurse said and handed me a note book and pen. I scribbled furiously asking for water and Cubbz. The nurse took the sheet nodded and left. I don?t know how long but doctors and nurses kept going in and out, promising to make me see him as soon as they?d finished all their tests to check my brain and what not. What I really wanted to know was why my belly felt weird. Like something was growing in it. It felt so awkward. I knew I wasn?t pregnant because I couldn?t be? so what the hell? Maybe they?d put metal in my belly. The more I thought about it the more things made sense.

Maybe I damaged some organs and they had to be replaced. I nodded because it made sense. Some next guys walked in. They weren?t my family. I groaned. Who where these people? My question was soon answered.
?Good Afternoon, I?m Chief Inspector Jarold James from Scotland Yard?? I screwed him immediately. Police. They did all the nonsense; we?re glad you?re okay; we know this is a hard time? bullshit and got to the questions.
?Who gave you the gun Jai?? ?I don?t remember? I lied smoothly. They kept asking questions and I didn?t answer because I didn?t remember. ?We?ll be coming back soon? they said and walked off. I screwed hoping they would drop dead. Assholes!

After over 2years they still couldn?t convict the prick who killed my brother. ?Can I see him now?? I asked. The nurse nodded and came back. ?We have one more test to do then you may? she announced. I groaned but nodded. I didn?t even have a choice. I waited as some next man came in. I hated him from when he forced me to stand up. It was some excruciating pain. That over and I was able to sit up. The door opened and I smiled immediately when I saw him. He looked like he?d seen a ghost. ?Jai?? ?Yea. That?s my name love? I stated. He smiled and came closer, he looked almost scared. ?I?m not dead? ?You were, for a couple of months.? ?Months?? ?Yeah months.? ?Huh?? I asked confused. ?We?re in September? he stated coming closer. ?W-w-hat?? I stuttered. He nodded. ?Yeah?? ?That?s a month doh? ?A very LONG month Jai? he whispered smiling. ?I missed you man!? he said sitting down. I just nodded. ?You know them pricks are here.? ?Who?? I asked. ?Craving and Batty.? I laughed really hard. ?Jayden and Nuttie?? I asked. He nodded. ?What is Jayden craving?? I asked. ?Trouble, I?m actually gonna break a bone in his body? ?You can?t do that? ?I know, but if he keeps annoying me I will do it? he said sighing and coming even closer. ?Fuck Jai, I really did miss you?? Then I clocked. ?DID YOU SAY JAYDEN AND NUTTIE?? I shouted. He nodded and the nurse came in. ?Is everything ok here?? he asked. I nodded and he slyly screwed Cubbz and walked out. I laughed. ?Their here?? I asked. He nodded again. ?I wanna see them! Omygosh?? I said excitedly. He laughed regardless and walked out. ?Where are you going?? ?To get them pricks for you?? I nodded and laughed and walked out. Soon after, I heard noise and I had to laugh because they were cussing each other. ?Jai!? Jayden shouted. I laughed. We talked for long?

A week later.

PREGNANT! I couldn?t be pregnant! I mean omygosh! That was actually just the most terrible news? I mean it was good but it was bad. What the fuck! Pregnant. I was in some rehabilitation centre and it was pissing me off. It wasn?t like I was disabled. The doctors were shocked cuz when you go into a coma and come back out, you?re apparently supposed to remain a vegetable and I was talking and walking and cussing, plus the thing growing inside me, made them think I was some sort of miracle. The eventually listened to my pleas and saw that I actually HATED it there. Everywhere I went I saw old people with disabilities and stuff. People who?d lost their limbs, trying to walk again. It was such a depressing atmosphere. It made me feel like I didn?t deserve anything I got. I was on my way back home and the car was silent as per usual. No one was saying anything because if they opened their mouths to speak, all hell would break loose. I sat there thinking. How can I be pregnant?

We got home and they wheeled me into my room. Yes! I had to stay in a wheel chair for a bit. I sat on my bed exasperated. They said that would happen. I reminded myself. I sighed and lay on my bed thinking of nothing.

The rest of the week went like that. It was boring, because it consisted of taking loads of medication, talking to a therapist about my drug habits, learning to use my functions properly and watching daytime television. Shit shit and shit! I didn?t mind doh, because it?d started raining and getting cold. It was the third week of September and I was getting restless with being incapable. I was very independent and this shit was killing me. I sighed and looked out of my window. Nothing! Everything had died. It really had. I felt nothing. It was like ?I cannot even explain the pain and nothingness I felt. I was a black hole. Not knowing where to start or end.
The day came and ended and night invaded my world. I needed help because I knew there was something wrong with me. It was the 1st of October and I had made Chanel buy a card and a present for me to my dad cuz it was his birthday. ?Happy birthday Dad? I said whilst taking my 5th tablet of the day and it wasn?t even 6am. Times were hard! ?Thank you love.? ?Hmph!? my mum said. ?Not now Theresa.? He hissed. ?When then! She is 15years old and pregnant! We don?t even know the father? she continued. I screwed her. ?Don?t look at me like that? ?So how else should I look at you?? I asked back. ?Jai go into the living now!? my dad shouted. I stood there, I?d actually had enough of her! She was always making some sly comments all the time.
Mum what exactly is your problem with me? I asked her. ?My problem? My pro--, chile don?t get me mad! You shoot yourself, then you get pregnant in the process! Here you are, pretending like nothing happened, and yet we don?t know who the babies, father is.? ?Mum please not now?? Chanel pleaded. ?No! Who is the father?? she asked. I shrugged. ?I dunno, I had a one night stand? I lied. She walked up to me and slapped me straight. I stood up from the wheelchair and looked into her eyes. ?You know what, I never thought I?d say this, but for the first time in my life, I actually hate you! You pretend like nothings wrong ALL THE TIME. And now your pinning all the blame on me! I don?t like you!? I shouted, sat back in my chair and rolled off. From the living room I could hear her arguing with my dad. ?ONE NIGHT STAND?!? ?Theresa, please?? ?I?m living with a WHORE! My own daughter!? I nodded cuz true say I was a whore and everything under the cloud. Because I was. It was night and I was in my bed thinking when my door opened. It was Chanel. ?What now?? I asked. ?Jai you have to tell them Cubbz is the father? ?No.? ?You have to! Please! She?s talking of adoption and everything please!? ?I don?t care, I?m keeping the baby and when I feel like it, they?ll know.? ?Jai! Please?? ?Chanel get out of my room please, cuz you don?t have a clue how I?m feeling so please don?t try buss convo.? I said putting the covers back over my head. I pretended to sleep and she eventually left. Well, after she cried. I sat up and cried aswell. I didn?t know what was wrong with me. I was confused and knew I was going mad or suttin cuz I didn?t feel myself.
The next day I took Chanel?s phone and called Cubbz. ?Yo Chan?!? ?No, it?s Jai? I said back. ?Ah wag1 baby?? he asked. ?Nothing, umm, I dunno what?s going on with me.? ?Want me to come to yours?? ?Come in an hour cuz their all going on some family outing for my dad?s birthday? ?Why aren?t you going.? ?Cuz I?m not family? I stated ?It?s that bad at home?? ?I wanna live with you? ?Awwww, Jai? I?m going to meet my dad tomorrow.? ?OMYGOD! SERIOUSLY OMARION YOU ARE SERIOUS?? ?Yeah man, my uncle called me out of blue and I went over to his yard and we got talking and ting, then he called my dad! Jai he lives 15minutes away from me! He?s got three other children. All boys and he?s married and ting.? ?I?m soo happy for you Omar? ?Not as happy as I am.? ?Are you nervous.? ?Fuckin shitting myself! I aint seen him in 17years babes? ?Awwww.? ?I?ll be there ina bit b yeah?? ?Okay bye.? ?Yeah safe.? ?I love you Omar, I really do.? He laughed which made me smile. ?I love you too!? he said. I locked off and sighed. I heard the door close. They were gone. Since I could now walk, I took advantage of the situation and got changed and wore some more, enticing clothing. I looked at my belly and sighed. I tried to pass time by watching t.v. Soon, my door bell rang and I went to open it. He stood there with a perfect smile on his face.
I let him in. ?Your belly is getting bigger.? ?I know! I?m three months pregnant bubz!? I said sitting on him. ?Hmm, aint you bored yet?? ?I have been but! I dunno, I don?t wanna go out? ?I?ll take you? he said kissing my neck. I pouted. ?Omar, I?m going mad? ?What?s actually going on in your head?? ?Nothing! And when I?m thinking, I dunno know what to think about! I feel weird! Everything I do, feels like a curse or something.? ?You?re a blessing to me, about curse, don?t ever say that.? I smiled at him. ?Thank you for tryna make me feel better, but I still feel like shit.? ?Awww. Come lets go out? ?Hmm? ?Just come, we?re gonna go to the park and there?s hardly any one there nowadays? I hesitated. ?Please?? he said pouting making me laugh. ?Okay? I said getting up. I wore my jacket, hat, scarf and gloves because he didn?t want me to catch a cold because I wasn?t better yet. I was but not 100%. We went out of my house and I held on to him. ?I wanna go home? I said after like 5minutes of walking. ?Shh we?re almost there? he said. ?Hmm? I replied. It felt like everyone was looking at me. Every time someone laughed I felt like they were laughing at me. My mind was playing tricks on me.
We got to the park and I sat on the swings and he pushed me. ?So have you told your parents yet?? ?No!? ?Why you need to? ?I don?t want to?not yet Omar? ?Hmm, boy? Omar I don?t want to cuz then it?s gonna be another issue. They don?t need to know!? ?Well, once the baby is out, they must know, or their gonna find out one way or another? ?I know, I just don?t want them to stress me out again?? I said. ?Jai you know your chatting shit cuz the only person stressing you out is you!? ?Oh gosh? I?m actually going mad? ?No, your just recovering from a coma and you?re being put under a lot of pressure baby? ?But I have you!? ?Yeah, and the baby.? ?Can we go away?? ?What? When the baby is born?? I nodded. ?Away from here?? ?Away from everything! I want a new life?. I said. ?Rah, your proper on it? ?I am. Me, you and the baby, just us three.? ?It?s a 2pac thing. Us against the world.?
I nodded.
After a bit, he decided that I was gonna catch a cold so we went back to my house.
They still weren?t in. He was on the phone talking to someone about something. I weren?t listening. My door bell rang. ?Who is it?? he mouthed. I shrugged, cuz I knew it wasn?t my parents. ?Strides, lemme call you back? he said and locked off. ?Lemme check who?s there? he said. I nodded. After sometimes, he came back up. ?Some weird chick man.? He laughed. ?Who?? I asked. ?Some next chick, asking if you were in.? ?What did you say?? ?No. then she was like don?t lie I saw you go in with her, then I said, so you?re a stalker, she muttered wrong door and went away? ?What did she look like?? I asked. ?Umm tall, them plaits you girls do with weave.? ?Single plaits?? He shrugged. ?Like how my mum has it?? I asked. ?Yehh!? I laughed. ?Extensions you fool, not weave? ?I aint a girl? ?Neither is Jayden? ?That?s cuz I aint gay? he said. ?Be nice? I said shaking my head. ?I hate him? ?He hates you aswell? ?Good.? ?Bad, cant you all just be nice and get along?? ?Are you a freedom writer or something?? he asked shaking his head. I laughed. He stayed for longer and left. The funny thing was, as soon as he left, my front door opened and they came home. I laughed and got changed and went to bed.
I woke up the next day and stayed in bed and slept. October was shit aswell.
I had a doctor?s appointment on the 1st of November and a scan aswell. I sighed. Wow, I still couldn?t believe I was pregnant. Kyan, Jayden and Nuttie were taking me to the hospital because everyone else was busy. I didn?t care nor mind.
?You?re so stupid and lost?battyman? Nutt said to Jayden. ?Cuz I?m mixraced you wanna take advantage! WHAT ARE YOU?? ?Mixed race? he said making everyone in the car laugh including me. ?You?re mixed race with mixed race? Jayden said laughing. ?Leave Nuttie?? ?Innih, you tell ?em Jai? ?He?s just a bit ?confused? ?JAI!? ?I?M TRYNA HELP YOU? I said smiling. ?Hmm, that?s why I love you!? ?That?s why I love you!? I said back. ?But I loved Jai first? Jayden said. ?If it weren?t for my party you wouldn?t have met Jai? Kyan said with a smug grin on his face. ?If it weren?t for me you wouldn?t have met Chanel? He got this big smile on his face. ?True that! That?s reminds me.? he said. ?What?? we all asked. Then he took of his phone and put it on speaker. ?Hello?? it was Chanel. ?I aint spoken to you in time! Wifey man what?s this?? he asked. ?Ky, your in a car with your bredrin innih? ?No.? ?You lied. Plus, I just called you yesterday? she said. ?What about today? I?ve only had 14missed calls, what?s that?? he shouted. ?Don?t shout at me!? ?Sorry babes, your on speaker? ?Ohh, WHAT?? ?Cuz I?m driving and you?ve got my headset? ?Sorry babe. I?m coming round yours tonight?? she said. That was when we all had to interrupt cuz it was going to take a sexual turn. ?NOOO CHANEL!? Jayden said. ?CHAN!? I shouted and ?ERRRR? Nut said ALL at the same time. ?Babe. You didn?t tell me they were in the car? ?Man got too comfy innih? he said. I scrunched up my face cuz he looked horny. ?Kyan that?s nasty!? I said to him and he laughed. Chan looked off and we got to hospital.
They did loads of tests and gave me less pills and told me I could stop taking the pills which made me depressed. This was why I?d been feeling like nothing. I hadn?t heard from Cubbz in a long time but I knew he was good cuz Jayden and Nutt were planning to kill him and they were telling me all the details and stuff.
?Your baby is doing well. It?s got a regular heartbeat and there are no signs of any disabilities. Would you like to know the sex?? ?Nope? ?YES!? We all said simultaneously. I was the one saying no. ?That will kill the fun!? I said laughing ?You?re such a granny Jai? Nut said making the woman laugh.
We were back in the car journeying London. ?Can we go baby shopping?? Nut asked. ?For who?? I asked. ?YOU!? they all said. I laughed.
We went shopping and what not. I?d basically flopped school and wasn?t going back. Nai was busy from all the coursework and what not so I didn?t like disturbing her with anything. I decided to call Cubbz cuz I hadn?t heard from him and yeah, I missed him.
He didn?t pick up and I got kinda worried. I sighed and flopped on my bed. Then my phone rang. ?Hello?? I asked excited thinking it was him. ?Its Nai, man, I know that voice? she said. We both laughed. ?I was thinking of you babes? I said to her. ?Yeah same! How?s my girl and her baby?? ?Finee!? ?Your god-daughter or son is not giving me any problems.? ?YET!? we both laughed. ?So how?s Charmz?? I asked her. ?Fine. We aint going out? ?Liar? I said and she laughed. ?It?s a friendly thing, everyone?s asking about you! All they know is you shot yourself? ?I bet everyone thinks I?m mad!? ?Nah, just it bit loco.? We both laughed. We continued to talk and catch up. ?Oh yeah, guess what?!? ?What?? ?Jasper?s out? ?DON?T LIE!? I shouted. ?Yeah? ?HOW CAN YOU FORGET TO TELL ME NAI?? she laughed. ?Yeah, but he?s on some next ting so like he?s in a police cell, he?s properly getting released on the 24th so don?t kill me yet?? ?Yet bitch!? ?Don?t use such profanity! My godchild is listening.? ?YOU FOOL? I laughed. ?So how?s that dickhead?? ?Cubbz?? ?Yup.? ?Fine, but he?s airing me.? ?Why?? ?I dunno yet. I?m gonna find out doh? I replied sighing. We talked and I slept on the phone and woke up with an insulting text from her and I laughed and went back to sleep.
Everything was going soo fast. Things were gwarning in the hood and at home. We were having a family reunion for some weird reason and cuz Jasper was out, and Stormzee?s peopledem were looking for revenge so Nai was on house arrest from Jasper and she was pissed off. She?d tried talking to Stormzee but he weren?t having it. So it was a hood war and Cubbz was involved cuz him and Jasper were bredrins again. It was confusing but I just accepted it. I helping my mum cook, YES, we were on speaking terms again. ?What should I do with the carrots mum?? ?Grate them and put them there? ?What kind of a family reunion requires us to cook food big enough for the entire community?? she laughed. ?Everyone is coming?? she said. ?Do they know I?m pregnant?? I asked. ?Yes, the whole family is aware of your pregnancy.? She said sighing. ?Mum are you disappointed in me?? ?NO, of course not! I?m proud of you, because frankly I don?t know how you stayed sane! I would have gone mad if I experienced everything you went through? she said hugging me. ?Sure? I replied. ?Jai look at me? I did. And she was crying. ?Don?t you ever think that because I am so proud of you?don?t ever let my angry outbursts make you think different? ?But I?ve failed.? ?You haven?t just yet? don?t you ever sell yourself short?its not too late to start again.? ?Huh?? ?Home schooling?you can do it?? ?Seriously mum?? She nodded and I hugged her. The door bell rang. ?Dad get the door!? I shouted. ?Okay boss!? he said making us laugh. ?Mum duck? I said throwing the onion into the bin. Then the noise came immediately. ?Is that Armani?? my mum asked. ?YES!!!? Me and Chan replied laughing. This girl was mad. She lived in Watford, and she was like those spoilt black girls, only she worked bloody hard for what she had. She came to the kitchen. ?JAI!! YOUR BELLY LOOKS WELL BIG!? ?Armani how old are you now 16?? I asked. ?Aww, darling, you know I?m turning 25 soon.? She said grinning. ?Aww, you don?t look a year over seventeen.? ?Aww thanks babes, Chanel! Look at your hair, well long?Aunt Theresa!? she said running to hug my mum. We all laughed. Soon, more and more people came and my house became more than noisy. ?Where?s Clarence?? my mum asked. That was her older brother and they hadn?t talked for seventeen years because of something that happened. They wouldn?t tell anyone but we knew it was something to do with a woman. Since it was a family reunion, they were talking? apparently. We waited and waited and he came in a limo. Gosh! He was soo over the top.

?I told him not to do this.? his ex wife sighed. ?He?s always been over the top.? My granny said laughing. I went upstairs because I was feeling lightheaded and needed to lie down. I went in my room and closed the door. I sat down tired. I then rubbed my belly. ?You better be a girl? but I wouldn?t mind if you were a boy?I love you already?? I said sighing. ?Its just daddy?s being a fool, well, he?s turfin my calls.? I should have felt stupid talking to my baby but I didn?t. I just fell asleep when Chanel burst in with tears in her eyes and shut the door.

?OmyGod no! Jai no no no? she said sliding to the floor. ?What?? I asked confused. ?Oh God no!? she said looking like she?d seen a ghost. ?Have you seen a ghost?? ?Jai what have you done?? she asked. Again! See I knew I was cursed. ?Okay, what is it this time?? I asked. She kept crying and saying no. ?What?? ?U-Uncle?? ?Who Clarence?? I asked she nodded. ?He brought someone here? ?Okay?? I said not catching her. She finally stopped crying and talked.
?He brought his son? I laughed. ?I know he?s got a son.? ?No you don?t understand! He brought his lost son. The reason they aint been talking for 17years its because he gave birth out of wedlock and the son is here.? She said crying again. ?That?s good news then alie.? ?No,? I frowned. ?Why you hating for?? ?Don?t you understand? His son is Cubbz!? she said. ?W-what?? ?Cubbz is your cousin! Your blood cousin! You?ve been having sex with your blood cousin! You?re pregnant for your own cousin!?

December 2006

Wow, umm, SHIT was an understatement. My lover was my cousin and to make matters worse, I was pregnant for my cousin. Talk about being a close knit family! My mum and dad clocked him from all the time he spent at the hospital and talked about ?what a coincidence? it was that I was soo close to my cousin before knowing he was my cousin. I prayed hoping I would find a way out through God. Shit, I was in shit!

?Are you gonna get rid of the baby?? Chanel asked looking at me with pity in her eyes. I shrugged. ?Answer me please!? she shouted. O yeah, I forgot, I hadn?t spoken to ANYONE since I found out. ?Please Jai speak to Me.? she said. I looked at her blank. What could I say.
?I?m not getting rid of the baby! It?s a human being? I replied. ?What are you and him going to do? Are you going to tell them its his baby?? ?No, if they find out, then it?s their fault innih! Allow keeping family secrets now look, I?m in shit!?

I looked at Chanel and she looked at me. We stared at each other with tears in our eyes. ?I love you Chan! You?re more than a sister to me.? I said from the bottom of my heart. She?d been there for me so many times now it seemed impossible. She supported me through so much shit it was incredible. ?I love you too and I can honestly say that the amount of shit you?ve been through is just fucking amazing! And you are the bravest person I?ve known and will ever know! I love you too!? she said. I hugged her and we both burst out laughing. ?We sound like we?re dying, like our last words before joining the other side? I commented. ?Innih, but boy! This is kinda like a death sentence?

I sighed not knowing what to do.

I loved my cousin and was pregnant for him. Until then I didn?t realise the extent of the damage caused. I slowly began to hate my mother for her stupidness and my uncle for his selfishness. If they had settled what ever differences they?d had before, I wouldn?t be in this position. I was fucked fucked and fucked! And I was not getting rid of the baby and that was my final decision. Chanel walked out and my phone rang. Private.
?Hello?? I asked speaking loudly into the phone. I started laughing when I realised how fresh I sounded. The person breathed on my line.
?Who is this?? I asked.
?Jai.? The voice stated.

I sat there shocked. My heart did this funny thing and I didn?t reply. I just sat there breathing into the phone whilst he did. After a few minutes I found my voice.
?Jasper.? I said, an invisible smile forming on my face.
?I?ve been hearing a lot of things?? he stated.
?I know? I?m sorry?
?Don?t be, it?s my fault? the blame goes to me and my stupidness?if I hadn?t been so stupid and fucked up Stormzee we would still be together.? He said softly.
?I know?? I replied, almost whispering.

We were silent for longer.

?You know I love you Jai and always will, fuck! I don?t even know why?it?s not like we?ve had sex or ANYTHING, I just love you infinitely?
?You know I love you Jasper? I said speaking from the bottom of my confused heart.

Then I remembered.

?What you gonna do about Stormzee?? I asked. He laughed and it scared me.
?Oh, don?t watch the prick, if he wants another show down, I?ll gladly, hand it to him straight up!?
?What happened to coming out of prison a new person?? I asked.
?Fuck that! Anyway, I just got bottled yesterday by one yungah from his endz?

My eyes widened.

?And what happened afterwards?? I asked.
?Hospital kept in overnight, discharged, went home, got changed and ting, then called the mandem and went rolling through his endz at 4o?clock in the morning.?
?What happened??
?He got shot in his leg? he said laughing.
?You?re very very scary? I told him.

We continued to talk and I realised that I was in love with a very twisted boy, it seemed like Jayden was the only sane person out of the three. Like really, but with Jayden came jealousy and drama aswell. I sighed and called my favourite person in the world that always made me smile no matter what.

?Jai!!!? she said shouting into the phone like no mans business. I laughed immediately. ?Nai, I am in shit!? I said. ?What happened?? ?Promise you won?t scream or run out of your house? I said. She had the tendency to do that a lot when she heard HOT HOT news. ?Umm I promise?? ?About! Ha-ha, say it properly? ?I promise I won?t go mad Jai? she said. ?Okay, see Cubbz yeah?? I asked. She kissed her teeth and I laughed. ?Is he dead?? she asked. ?No! He?s perfectly healthy? ?Shit man! Here?s me thinking my man has died of the bubonic plague or suttin? ?That?s not very nice? ?Neither is he?I mean he?s doing it in the looks department, but his personality sucks like shit!? ?Hmm, well?guess what doh?? ?Tell me.? ?Nai, we had a family reunion the other day!? ?O SHIT! O SHIT! O SHIT! DON?T FUCKIN TELL ME THE PRICK CAME AND TOLD EVERYONE!?? ?Worse.? ?How much so?? she asked.

?My uncle came with someone yeah, I went upstairs cuz I was bored and ting, two two?s now yeah, Chanel came upstairs bare in shock and ting, I?m like what?s wrong? Then she drops some disgusting bombshell Nai.? ?WHAT??? she asked. ?He?s my cousin. We?re related?

The phone went silent for a good 10minutes. She didn?t say anything and when she did, all she said was ?shit, shit shit? and other profanity which would have made her beat her to a pulp.
?Jai, that?s something you only see in the movies? your cousin! How?matter of fact what are you gonna do about the baby?? ?I?m keeping it.? ?Why did I even ask!? I knew you were going to say that!?
?Okay, so that?s not the most of my problem.?
?Ahhh shit there?s more??
?Definitely more??
?Amaze me.?
?I?m in love with three people.?

She laughed.

?Jayden and Cubbz I know off, who?s the third?? she asked.
?Your brother.?
?What??
?Nai, I love him, why? I don?t fuckin know!?
?I thought I mean, I didn?t think, you still love him? I thought you forgot about him.?
?In a way I did, but he called me tonight and like, everything just came back like? I don?t know what to do!?
?He called you??
?Yeah?
?Asshole, when I catch him!??
?Why?? I asked
?So he didn?t tell you he shot someone??
?He did, yes that reminds me! Another reason why I called you??
?Go on??
?Nai, he laughed when he told me. He talked about it like it was a minor, like nothing was wrong with him, your brother is a psycho?I?m in love with my cousin, a psycho and a guy who looks so close to perfection that us having a relationship will cause more harm than good!?
?I wouldn?t want to be you right now! Boy! I don?t even wanna stand yet alone walk in your shoes my love?

Then I remembered something I learned and ALWAYS wanted to tell her but forget.

?Nai! I found out something the other day!?
?WHAT? JAYDEN IS YOUR HALF-BROTHER?? she asked bursting into laughter.
?Funny.?
?I?m sorry, but I just had to get in there with that one? I couldn?t help myself plus, you asked for it.?
?Anyway! I found out that Seychelles was an African country!?
?I know?she said calmly.
?But you always make it sound Carribean!!?
?My love, we speak Creole.? She said calmly.

I laughed.

?You learn something new everyday!? I said.
?Yeah, like how your lover and baby father is your cousin!?
?NAIIIIIIII!?

She laughed. ?Sorry I just had to do it one more time? I sighed and we continued talking about what I was going to do and whatever. I came off the phone to her feeling better about everything except, there was a little voice in my head mocking me, ?Ha-ha Cubbz in your cousin? that was exactly what that little voice was saying.

Something told me to look outside. A voice whispered in my ear to look outside my window. Huh? I asked and walked up to the window and saw something move. I squinted trying to see who was there. I opened my window. ?Oi!? I called. She turned around and I stood frozen at the spot. She looked shocked aswell.
She walked away from my house and I was there staring out of my window. I waited till she disappeared and run down the stairs and went outside. If she was who I thought she was, something was wrong and I needed to find out cuz right then and then, my baby?s life was more important than mine and I wasn?t on dying any time soon.

?Jai? Where are you going?? My dad asked. I didn?t reply and opened my front door. I looked around and heard people coming from my house.
?What on earth is she doing?? my mother asked. I didn?t listen to her and continued to search.

That was when I saw the petrol just jammin behind the bin and a lighter next to it. Someone gasped and I stared at it.

Someone had just tried to burn my house down and I knew exactly who it was. For the first time in my life, I wasn?t scared. Pussio! I dared him in my head to try again. I was now on operation get Jr locked up or dead. And I was on it 100%.

Fedz came, I told them what I saw and lied about not knowing the girl, but I did. I hated to add to it so ruining her life would be easier and painless. A slow smile crept up on my face.

Play with fire and get burned! Now it was my turn to start up some heat in someone else?s world.

I went to bed happy. A week later, it had gotten colder, not that I was complaining, I hardly went out anyway. Cubbz kept on busying my calls and kept sending ?I?m sorry but I need to think? texts. Not that I blamed him.
I was approaching the living room when I heard hushed voices. Then I realised the living room door was closed. I opened it and my mum and uncle were talking. About what I didn?t know. But they stopped as soon as I came in.
I gave them a smile and waddled over to my favourite chair and patted my growing belly. Looking at it made me smile cuz there was a child growing inside me and to me it was nothing short of a miracle!
Then a plan formed in my head. I walked over to the couch lay horizontally on my back and got comfortable. A couple of minutes later, I closed my eyes and ?fell asleep.?
?Jai sweetie?? I heard my mum ask. I didn?t reply.

?Is she asleep?? my uncle asked.
?Yes.?
?What if she?s not?? he asked.
?Have you gotten this paranoid?? she asked him.
?Okay? as I was saying, we have to tell him we?re lying to him.? my uncle added.
?No, then we?ll have to tell Keith? (my mum called my dad Keith when she was trying to get something from him.)
?You have to tell him! He suspects too much already. If he finds out, your marriage will break? he told her.

I heard her sniffle, then realised she was crying. Why was she crying. It took everything within me to lay still and not go over to her and tell her nothing was wrong.
?He?ll never forgive me!? she said crying harder. ?Ralph, he?s all I have! I don?t know what I would do within him!? she said crying harder.
?Shh, its all in the hands of God.? He told her.
?O Lord why me?? she asked her voice breaking as she cried once more.

?Jai will take it worse? she announced.

Then I really resisted the urge to get up and ask them what I would take worse. But I stayed where I was because I wanted to know what on earth was going on.

?I know, she trusts him so much! I mean, she?ll loose it but you have to be gentle with her, make her see that you had no choice? he said to her.

Then my front door slammed and I heard my mum trying to stop crying and my uncle turn on the telly. I groaned and pretended to wake up because of the front door slamming.

My dad opened the living room door with a smile on his face. ?Daddy!? I said. ?My princess, how?s the belly?? ?Fine? I said to him smiling genuinely. He was the best dad in the world and that was no exaggeration. I straight up proffered him to my mum. He smiled at my mum and she smiled back.
?Have you been crying?? he asked.
?No--??
?Yes?.?

Her and my uncle said at the same time. Pussios! Now they had been clocked.
?I mean, yes? you know, we were discussing my dad? she said crying harder. I screwed her. She was lying to my dad!

I was determined to come to the end of the situation at all costs!

Why was my mum lying to my dad?

That was a question I was on my way to answer. Looking back at this, I wish I hadn?t, because damn! It was a massive secret.
It was now Christmas Eve and EVERYONE. Yes EVERYONE had travelled to my house and there was a lot of excited and tension. Firstly because my dad seemed angry and Cubbz was staring at me and wouldn?t stop. I tried to speak to him and he just stared at me. This annoyed me so I went upstairs, lying about how I was tired.
I got in my bed and lay there crying my eyes out. Why? Because everyone was keeping something from me.
Gosh! Karma had bitch slapped me in my face.

Someone knocked on my door. I didn?t reply but then the person opened the door. I turned around to see Cubbz standing there. He closed the door and turned off the lights. I watched him take off his shoes and jump in bed with me. Okay, so fuck. I was fucked.
I liked him next to me. Then it dropped. Him being my cousin didn?t change shit about I felt about him.
?I?ve been thinking day and night? he said looking into my eyes. I rested my head on his chest and listened to his heart beat.
?I can?t let you go and at the same time, we?re related?its fucked up? he said.
?That doesn?t mean you have to avoid me!? I argued.
?I know and I?m sorry about that?it?s just I didn?t know what to do! I was fucked up in my head. I still am! I don?t know what to do, I want you! And that?s wrong! I love you and that?s even worse! To add to this shit, you?re pregnant? when he spoke these words, his hands automatically touched my belly.

I sighed.

?I love you Omarion? ?I love you too Jai, no matter how fucked up this is! I just cant stop loving you! And promise me we?ll be together no matter what? he said. I nodded. ?Promise, I wanna hear you say it.? He said. ?I promise? I said. I really was on it.

Christmas was a bore, I got loads of baby stuff and everyone was smiling. I didn?t understand why they were all smiling when they were all lying to each other. All hiding secrets! The biggest was yet to come out I found out.

After Christmas, the mood in my house changed. Chanel and I were spending more time together and our parents were doing the opposite. I felt sorry for my dad because my mum didn?t deserve him.

Then fucking hell! Fireworks did really pop of on New Years Eve.

I was upstairs as usual, doing nothing as usual when I heard shouting and smashing. I looked at the time. It was 5minutes to midnight. To a new year. I hurriedly, waddled out of my bedroom and slowly went down the stairs to find Chanel already there trying to calm things. My dad was crying and so was my mum and Chanel looked dumb folded. The TV was on BBC news and they were counting down the minutes until midnight.

?What?s going on?? I asked.
?TELL THEM THEN? my dad shouted.

My mum flinched. Even I got scared. ?I?m so sorry? she said still crying.
?You lied to me! You lied to me.? he kept saying.
?DAD?? Chanel asked.

?Dad?? I asked aswell. ?I?m soo sorry princess. I really am.? He said to us both.

My mum started talking. ?17years ago, I was in love with a man that didn?t love me, so to make him love me I convinced myself that getting pregnant was the only way for him to love me?unfortunately, when I told him, he threw me out and told me never to come back. He said he?d kill me. Then I found a man, I suppose, he fell in love with me and I sort of pinned the pregnancy on him. When I gave birth, I lied. I told him a big lie. I lied to him. I gave birth to twins??

?NOO! MUM NO! NO NO NO? I said knowing what she was going to say, tears gathered in my eyes. My heart actually broke, my heart was breaking and I felt a sharp pain in my stomach aswell.

She couldn?t continue and my dad interjected.

?WHY CANT YOU TELL THEM? WHY CAN YOU NOT TELL THEM! YOU?VE LIED TO THIS FAMILY FOR 17YEARS! I WANT A DIVORCE!?

?DAD!? I heard Chanel gasp, she was also crying, I sank to the floor in shock. I knew exactly what she was going to say.

?What?s going on?? Chan asked again.

?She lied, she lied to us, Chanel, I don?t know how to say this but your not my biological daughter.?
She dropped to floor crying. I watched and waited. I knew he wasted finished because I knew exactly what he was going to say next.
?Chanel, and when she said you had a twin, she meant it. Omarion is not your cousin but your brother.?

Immediately, her eyes shot to mine and horror and shock registered. My dad walked out and we heard the front door slam. My mother sat in a little corner crying and all I could think of was the fact that he?d moved from being my cousin to my brother. I was pregnant for my brother. Everything was silent except for the televison.
?5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Happy new year Britain!? the news reporter said. A very happy new year to me indeed.

January 2007.

I?ve been in bed for a week. My mum had left on New Year?s Day and hadn?t come back. Not that anyone was missing her. Lying bitch! I?d booked an appointment with clinic for the following Tuesday and it was Saturday. I felt numb. I mean, I didn?t feel anything. I was killing a life because I had to. What could I say to everyone? Oh, I got pregnant by my brother. I wiped my wife and called him.
He needed to know. ?Hello?? his deep voice said. I shivered and realisation hit me. I was in love with my half-brother. Whatever, he?s still a brother! My heart called out to me.
?I need to talk to you.? I told him. ?Okay?go ahead? he said back, his voice blank. I sighed. I didn?t want to tell him face to face but at the same time I realised his temper. ?Promise me you will not turn violent.? He laughed. ?Cubbz I?m being serious, I want you to promise me? I said crying again. ?I promise?are you crying?? ?Yeah? ?Who done what and I?ll bang them up for you!? he said. I smiled and cried harder. I took a deep breathe and told him everything. Everything that happened, wow, I coulda swore he was crying.
?So?what are we going to do?? he asked me. I didn?t reply. ?Jai. I am not giving you up. I don?t care. I can?t un love you! Without you I?m shit! You?ve changed everything I am and turned me to this and rah, going back to my old ways is the only thing I know.? I cried harder. I felt like shit.
?I booked an appointment for Tuesday.? I stated. ?Huh?? ?For the clinic.? I said again.
He was silent and I heard him breathe deep. ?You are going to abort the baby.? He stated more than asked sounding shocked. ?I can?t keep it Omar?I can?t! I just can?t! What if the baby comes out deformed?? I asked. ?Then it?s deformed. It?s OUR baby! I don?t business what we are; a baby is a life not some toy!? he said angrily.
?Omar, please don?t do this to me.? I said. ?Jai, look how far you?ve gone, gosh! Fuck, nah, that?s murder? he said once more. I felt guilty now. I felt like I had a choice. Did I have a choice? I did didn?t I? I cried harder. This shit was fucked up! Now I didn?t want to abort the baby.
?What are you saying? You want me to keep the baby?? ?Yes I do? he said with hesitation. ?Omar? what are we going to tell people!? What are we going to do?? ?Remember the promise you made me?? he asked. ?I do? I replied. ?I love you, and that?s that. It?s no one?s fault but your mums and your uncles! They shouldn?t have lied!? he said. ?She?s your mother too and your uncle? ?Your mum is NOT my mum? he said sounding angry.
There was no arguing with this guy. He actually talked about it so much I started to believe I was dreaming and he wasn?t my brother. I was in love with my brother, a psycho and an almost perfect human being. Wow, what a life to live!
We continued to talk and I felt a tingle up my spine, I knew that was a bad sign. Something bad was going to happen. I could feel it. I fell asleep and woke up tired. I stayed in bed and realised I hadn?t eaten for 3days and this was bad. I waddled down the stairs and found no-one in my house. Boy, I didn?t expect anyone to be there.

I made do with some pasta and ketchup, yuck I know but I had these disgusting cravings sometimes. I think it was the pregnancy. I was busy eating when my door bell rang. It wasn?t Chanel, it wasn?t my mum and it wasn?t Cubbz or my dad. Who the hell was it?

I opened the door and my jaw touched the ground. I resisted the urge to kiss him. I really did. My mouth was open.
?Close your mouth you might catch a fly? he said, gently pushing me in and closing the door. I stood still staring.
He?d grown! My lord, o gosh, his muscles, o shit. ?Jai? What am I that peng?? he asked. I nodded. ?I was joking?? he laughed kissing my cheek. I finally came to my senses. ?Umm, hi Jasper.? I said waving. He laughed. ?You talk now, and rah, look at your fat belly!? he said poking it gently. I laughed at him.
We sat down, well, he made me sit on him and he kept kissing my neck and ting. Gosh! I mean there was Omar, but I hadn?t seen Jasper in so long and fuckin hell! Prison had done his body a lot of good. Everything on him was hard and fuckin hell, o gosh, his ears glittered, that bad boy smile?his swagger. ?Jai?? he asked. ?Huh?? ?I said when is the baby due?? I shrugged. I wanted to say ?I?m having an abortion because Cubbz is actually my brother.? But I resisted.
He laughed.
?So, you look good pregnant? he said as a matter of factly. I turned to him slowly and looked into his eyes. Fuck it! I thought. Since reality was being so darn hard, I was allowed to dream? I leaned forward and he got the hint.
We started kissing and for the first time since I?d gotten pregnant, I was horny. ?Can we do it?? he asked. I nearly choked. ?W-What?? I stuttered. ?I?m horny, you?re horny?? ?I?m pregnant? ?It aint stopping you!? he grinned. ?You have to ride anyway? he whispered in my ear.
Fuck it, but fuck, o shit, I deserved to be happy if only for a few minutes. I licked my lips.
?Lets go upstairs? he said and picked me up. Let?s just say, being pregnant heightens a lot of things during sex. ?Nah, that?s in my top 3.? He said breathing against my shoulder.
?Huh?? ?Sex man! That?s in my top3? he said. ?I?m pregnant? I said. ?And fucking horny. I mean if I didn?t come, you woulda made do with a cucumber innih?!? he asked laughing proper hard. I smacked his head and looked at his naked body. ?See something you like?? he asked. ?Huh?? I lied, pretending not to have a clue what he was talking about.
?Don?t lie, your horny again Jai!?? he asked pretending to be shocked. ?Cubbz has neglected this pussy boy!? he said chuckling to himself like he was bussing one next joke.
Then it dawned on me. I just cheated on him with Jasper. ?I cheated on him? I said. He nodded. ?Well, its his fault, if he was paying more attention to you, I wouldn?t have gotten anywhere? he said yawning and standing up butt naked.

He looked like he was sculpted for real! I didn?t remember him having a body like that. He started getting dressed then his phone rang. The way a frown registered on his face was amazing. I watched him and listened as he answered. He locked off the phone and looked at me. ?Why is your boyfriend fuckin with my weed?? he asked. I shrugged. ?I don?t know what Cubbz does.? ?No, I?m talking about the pussio Jayden, him and his dickhead of a darg just robbed my younger.? He said. ?Please don?t do anything? I said to him getting up and putting my clothes back on. ?I wont, because of you. Warn him cuz next time I will show no mercy. He will get straight weighed you get me? I aint playing chase with these youts no more? he said in anger.

Woah! Psycho time. Then his phone rang again. I watched him not pick up and text someone, then he got another text back and his face darkened. He began to put his crep back on. ?What?s going on?? I asked. ?This boy Stormzee, I shoulda killed him?I don?t understand why I didn?t.? he said lacing it now. He got ready and stared up at me. ?He just tried to move to my sister? he said with anger in his eyes. ?What do you mean by move?? I asked narrowing my eyes. ?He fuckin tried to rape my sister and get her robbed. AM I A PRICK BLUD? DOES HE KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?? he shouted. ?Calm down? I said softly. He looked to my ceiling took some deep breathes and looked at me. ?Sorry?but I have to go? he said and I nodded. ?Don?t watch me like that? he smiled. ?Why not?? ?It?s scary? He said. ?But your fearless.? I replied. ?Not when it comes to you?? he said and kissed my cheek. ?I don?t know why I?m in love with a psycho.? I commented to myself. He heard and laughed. ?And I?m fuckin clueless on why I?m in love with a younger who?s in love with 2other people?oddly, it doesn?t bother me?you know if you asked me to?? he trailed.
?If I asked you to what?? I asked. ?If you asked me to kill them I would you know? he said and battered his eyelashes at me.
My jaw dropped. ?Don?t look soo shocked? I?ll do anything for you no joke?
?Bye?? ?Yeah, I?ll be back again.? He winked and walked towards my door. He suddenly turned around saw my face and laughed.
?You?re horny again innih? ?NO!? I lied. He laughed. ?Ah shit, I would love to stay believe I will.? He said. ?Take care? I said to him. ?I will? he replied and gently shut my door.
I sighed.
?JAI WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?? I asked myself out loud. My front door closed. I sighed and fell asleep.

Sunday was a bore so I stayed in my room. I got a text. My eyes widened.

Abort the baby.

It said. And it was from Cubbz. I text back

Why?

The reply came.

Dont worry, just do it? please.
I text back

No.

Reply,

Don?t take the piss, just do it!
Don?t ask questions?do it before I see you again.

I called his phone and I got busied nicely. I kept calling his phone.

Don?t keep callin me.
ABORT THE FUCKIN BABY
BEFORE I FUCKIN DO IT
FOR YOU?PYHSICALLY.

Why would he go back on his word like that? I thought in disbelief. I sat up and it made sense, I had to. I got dressed for the weather and left my house. There was a Walk in centre 10minutes away from my house. I decided to go there. I took my keys, wiped my tears and walked out of my house to be embraced the most amazing cold. I walked down my street and got curious stares from people. I stared right back! Dickheads.

I got to the centre and took a deep breathe and went in. I walked over to the receptionist and was glad to see that there was no-one there. Patient wise. ?Umm, excuse me?? I asked. ?How can I help you my love?? she asked. She was an Indian looking lady with a nice smile. I read her name tag. Subha. ?I want to see a nurse please.? I said to her. ?Is it the baby?? she asked, obviously clocking my belly.

I nodded.

?I want to abort it? I blurted.
?Have you been here before?? she asked. I shook my head.

?I need you to fill out this form darling, anything you don?t understand ask me darling? she offered. I nodded.

I filled out my name, address etc and handed it to her. She smiled kindly at me. ?You need to speak to a doctor, and it must be approved by another doctor first? she said. ?I have already? I replied.
?Oh okay? just give me his name and I?ll check your records on our system to confirm.? She said calmly.

I gave his name and she typed on the computer, scrolled, pressed enter loads of times and came back.

?Your appointment is Tuesday darling? she said.
?I want it now? I said, tears in my eyes.
?Sit down and the nurse will be with you shortly, don?t you want a family member or friend here?? she asked.
?No. It?s okay? I muttered.

Soon after, a nurse came and I went into a room.

?Okay Jai, I?m going to fully explain to you what will happen?? The doctor went ahead and explained it. He would injected some next thing in me at different places and he would do it three times, this would then lead something?I wasn?t listening.

It happened and it hurt like shit.

I cried throughout and was not allowed to leave for an hour.

I couldn?t stop crying. I walked home, feeling empty. My baby was a girl. I cried not looking where I was going. Everywhere hurt.
I got to my house and to my disappointment there was shouting. ?WHAT NOW?? I cursed under my breath.

I opened the door and heard my dad, uncle and mum. They obviously didn?t hear me come in.

?WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?? my dad asked.
?It?s not her son! He?s not her son!? my uncle?s voice said.
?YOU?RE LYING!?
?I?m not! Look, she didn?t understand what I meant, I don?t know, this is a big misunderstanding! A big big misunderstanding? my uncles voice boomed.

?Keith please let him explain? my mothers voice said.
?Harold, this better be good!? my dad shouted aswell.

Something told me to make sure I wasn?t heard. So I didn?t.

?The boy is not my son either. He belongs to my wife.? Harold said.
?What are you trying to say?? my dad asked.

I walked closer to the living room.

?He?s not my son, Keith? my mum said softly.
?WHAT?? my dad boomed.

?Keith, the boy is not related to this family, he?s my wife?s son and not mine?

I felt lightheaded.

?Mummy!? I cried out. My belly hurt, my heart hurt.

I?d just aborted my baby. I?d just aborted a baby for FALSE reasons.

I wasn?t related to him. I wasn?t related to this boy?

?MUMMY!? I cried again and everything went black.

peak times boy ! he went from being ur cousin to ur brother to not related at all

FUCKED....!

?MUMMY!? I cried again and everything went black.

?Is she dead?? I heard a voice. ?No you fool!? another voice replied. I slowly opened my eyes to see my mum?s eyes wide open. ?Oh my baby! What happened?? she asked. I stared at her in horror, got up and run into my room and shut the door and locked it. I climbed in my bed, my belly empty, staring at the ceiling crying my eyes out. My baby wasn?t there anymore? it was gone. For no reason.
My phone rang and I looked at the caller I.D. I screwed it and chucked aside, eventually, it stopped ringing. I continued to cry. Someone knocked on my door. They got no reply.
I had two options?either kill myself or continue living. Continue living was second because my life was shit at that present moment in time.

I stayed in my room for a day until they threatened to knock it down. I opened the door to my dad and Chanel and walked past them into the bathroom and shut the door and cried again. I wasn?t talking to anyone in the house and after a few times of trying to speak to me I think they realised I really was not going to speak to any of them. After the bathroom I went downstairs and got something to eat.
Soon after they all went out and I was about to sleep when the door bell went. I went to open it.

I looked at who it was and slammed the door in his face. He kept ringing and threatened to break my front door. I didn?t believe him until the door started shaking. I run over and opened it.
He looked angry but who gave a shit!? He was the one who wanted the baby gone. Did he expect me to jump into his arms happy? But, then I saw his face. My heart temporarily stopped and I thought I was going to cry. My face remained emotionless however.

I walked into my room and shut the door in his face again. He opened it and sat on my bed whilst I looked out of the window.
?Are you going to speak to me?? he asked. I didn?t reply. ?What?s going on with you? One minute your fine the next your not.? He said calmly. I turned to face him. Rah, his face was bruised! Good. I thought. Someone banged him up nicely. I mean, he had a black eye and everything. His lip was swollen and I smiled. ?Why you bare smiling in my face for?? he asked. I actually wanted to answer the question. ?Because someone fucked you up!? I said. ?And that?s what I?m here to talk to you about you nob head and you?re bare screwing and airing me? anyway, I got rushed a couple and the pricks robbed my phone.?

I choked.

?WHAT?? ?Yeah?? he replied rubbing his forehead. ?By fuckin men yu?nah, they looked like they lifted weights and had steroids for breakfast? he laughed. ?But, fuck! I got banged! Don?t take me for a pussy cuz I fought back, which is why I have this? he said and showed me his knuckles. ?What happened?? ?I broke my knuckles innih, from punching my man in his jaw! Farkin hell!? he replied scratching his head.

?Omarion?? ?Hmm? ?So you haven?t got a phone?? ?Yeh! That?s why I was using my brother?s phone to try and call you but you aired it! Then it stopped ringing? he replied. I nodded and he walked towards me. ?Someone fucked you up!? I said to him honestly.

He looked really bad. He hugged me and I felt like shit. ?So how?s my baby doing today?? he asked. I nodded. ?Answer then? he said jokingly. I didn?t reply. ?You?re soo moody man! Must be the hormones? he smiled and touched his finger to my nose. ?Soo?I?ve been thinking? he said, I just looked at him, trying not to cry. ?I?ve been saving up and ting innih. And like? I?m tryna put a deposit on a house for me you and the baby?and before you say anything, don?t watch that, I can get that p innih, so when you turn 16 boom! The yard is in Sussex ? and I know you?re probably like, what?s this countryside business?? ?Omar stop? I said tears blinding me. ?What?s wrong?? he asked. I walked from him and picked up my phone and went into my inbox and handed it to him.

I stared at him as he went through the texts.

He looked up at me after a bit and just looked. I thought he was going to start throwing stuff out of the window and trashing shit. He didn?t. He just stared.
?So you thought it was me?? he asked softly. I nodded. He sighed and as he did so, something clicked in my head and it all made sense.
?How comes your belly is still big then?? he asked. I shrugged and told him what I thought. ?I dunno, maybe my body still thinks I?m pregnant?

He looked at me for a long time and it scared me. ?Aren?t you angry?? I asked. ?I am? he replied. ?So why are you not going mad?? ?Because it?s none of our faults, but if I ever find them I will actually kill them?I aint joking.? He said simply.

I nodded and agreed with him. I would kill them aswell.

?O yeah, another reason I came here? talk to your two dickheads for me please, cuz their annoying me and certain man from my endz and I?ve backed them because of you?? he said. I was sick and tired of the shit they kept doing! ?What is Jayden and Nuttie doing?? I asked, well, kind of shouted. ?Robbing yungah?s of weed, rushing youts?trying to burn someone?s yard down?watch them, and Jasper is on killing them, and he?s worse and more twisted than me?I?ll straight up leave him to do his ting, cuz he will let it go? ?It being?? ?A bit of iron and lead, cum?on Jai, don?t play dumb with me? he sighed.

We sat in silence for a long time and started talking about our baby. ?What was it?? he asked. ?A girl? ?Fuckin hell! I?m so pissed off right now? I started crying again.

After some time, he left me and I started to mentally retrain myself, I needed to pull through and do this for my daughter. Or? what would have been my daughter.

For the first time in a long time, I got on my knees, looked up to the heavens with my hands together and closed my eyes.

?Lord, I know I?ve been a prick a dickhead, and everything bad under the sun but please Lord, I pray you give me strength to do what I?m about to do, I know its not something you would condone but God you know I cant forgive, or forget? tell Marcus I said I?ll see him soon and that I love him? I?m soo sorry?? I said crying again.

I got up and suddenly, the world felt light again. It was like all the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

I went back downstairs.

It was the last week of January and like my family was there, trying to sort out their differences.
I went downstairs and told them about my ?miscarriage? of course, the women cried and the men patted my back and hugged me and shit.

A couple of days later, I went to visit someone close to my heart. I took the train and was glad I remembered where she worked. All this time, I had a smile on my face because I knew this shit was going to get interesting. I got off the train and took the bus.

I got to my destination and saw that they were open. That was when I lucked out. Ah shit! This was brilliant. I thanked God, I?d seen him instead of her. Wow. I walked into the barbers to say hi to my new best friend.

I walked in and everyone stared at me. jh February 2007.

February the first felt like a new start for me. I told Nai that I had a miscarriage and Omar was the only one who knew the partial truth.
Jayden and Nuttie in no way tried to hide their excitement. They felt sorry for me but were happy that I weren?t having that ?pussio?s baby?. ?No disrespect Jai, but it would have come out with an avocado head, and three legs!? Nuttie added. ?Alie, I mean, he?s not pure?his genes are not pure? Jayden added. I just stared at them. Not sure whether to laugh or walk out. In the end, I opted for a slight chuckle because they crossed the line and didn?t realise it either.

I sighed and continuing talking to them. Then I remembered Jasper and Omar warning me about their exploits.

?What have you two been doing on road? Because I?ve had loads of complaints about your exploits!?
?Who?s been gassing?? Nuttie asked.
?Obviously?there?s only one Cubbz, there?s only one bisexual black boy in the hood.? Jayden sang.

I actually laughed along with them because Jayden was CLOSE to perfect. He couldn?t sing for shit! He was actually a crap singer and you could tell he was trying because he even cleared his throat.

?You can?t sing b? Nuttie told him.
?Jai said I could!? he complained back.

?Huh? When did I say this abomination?? I asked laughing harder.
?Like when we started getting to know each other?them times you?re English was bad.?

I screwed him.

My English was close to perfect! I used to be an A* in English!

?My English no bad!? I said back kinda pissed off at them

They looked at each other and burst out laughing. ?Nuttie, Jai?s English no bad at all? Jay said rolling on the floor holding his belly. I screwed and continued with what I was saying.

?Anyway! Those times, I was blinded by something?What have you two been doing on road??
?Nothing, jammin?? Nuttie said.
?What do you mean blinded?? Jayden asked.
?Well, umm, you were peng back then? I said to him.
?So I?m not peng no more?? he asked looking hurt. I laughed.
?You?ll always be peng, but I?m not blinded by your pengness anymore.? I told him.

?Does that mean you don?t like me anymore?? he asked.
?Aww, I?ll always love you.? I said. Then Nuttie did something really gay! He got on his knees and started singing the song.

?My man?s joining the other side?? Jayden whispered to me.
?I heard that!?
?You weren?t supposed not to hear? Jay said.

That was when they started with their stupid cusses. I was laughing so hard my belly started hurting me.

?Why you talking doh, you yellow giant? Nuttie said. I laughed, Jayden screwed and stood up.
?You 2minute man? Jayden said.
?I don?t get it? I said.

Nuttie was screwing Jayden.

?He buss after 2minutes in the girls pussy!? Jayden laughed.
?It was an accident. And it hasn?t happened since??
?Cuz he takes Viagra!? Jayden said laughing harder
?Man does not take that shit!? Nuttie said.

I laughed and couldn?t stop laughing.

?Don?t worry Nuttie, as long as it hasn?t happened again!? I said to him.
?Alie, one mistake? you can talk doh yellow? After you nearly caught an STI!?
?Now, he?s gassing!?

This started a whole new argument and I couldn?t stop laughing. I decided to stop it and concentrate on their safety.

?So what have you guys been doing on road?? I asked.
?Nada!? Nuttie said.
?Alie, except, helping that old woman with her fuckrie Sainsbury?s shopping.?

Sometimes, they chatted so much shit! But I had to laugh. How can shopping be fuckrie? When Jayden was lying, he bit the inside of his mouth and always played with his long beautiful hair which was ALWAYS messy.
On the other hand, Nuttie convinced you he was telling the truth to an extent that he says something like ?Why don?t you believe me?? or ?God knows, say no more, God knows? That was when I knew the punk was lying.

?So you were jammin so hard that somehow, Cubbz and Jasper, especially Jasper wants to murder you guys??

They both nodded and my mouth dropped.

?Jai if you don?t believe us yeah, its nuffin cuz God knows, say no more, God knows!? he said. ?Truss the big man understands? Jayden added. I shook my head. They were so hard headed. So I took a different approach.

?Why you wanna kill Omar again?? I asked slowly, looking out of the window avoiding eye contact.
?This boy is a straight up pussio? Nutt said. ?Umm, that?s what he said about you two? I replied back. ?Yeah, well? whatever innih, actions speak louder than words.? Jay added. ?Is that why you robbed that yout?? ?YESSS!? they both replied. I turned to them and they clocked they?d slipped majorly.

?Liars! About you were jammin, what more can I say to you? Just be careful because there?s bare shit going on! Just jam please, no one has to die. Why are you guys beefin anyway??
?Cuz his endz are full of wastemans who think they run tingz EVERYWHERE? Never that! How can Slyz try slump Jermaine? are we pricks??

?Wait! Jermaine got shot?? I asked in shock. I hadn?t heard about that!! They both nodded.
?Is he okay??
?Yeah, in his leg, gonna take him a couple of weeks to get back up, but my darg is a soldier gemme? Jayden said.
?Truss me darg? Nuttie agreed.

We were all silent and loads of shit was going through my head. I decided to help squash the beef. ?I?m going home now? I said to them.

Like the gentlemen they were they offered to walk me home and I obliged. So we were walking home when I saw some dudes jammin. I wasn?t scared but I knew something was going to happen, its?it just wasn?t normal for about 30man to be jammin on the same spot all on bikes.
?Jayden? Nuttie??
?Its nuffin man? Jayden replied holding my hands. A jolt of electricity went through me, I think us both cuz he looked at me with desire on his face and fire in his eyes.

I smiled and he smiled back. To my surprise, no one noticed. We kept glancing at each other until I heard a sharp ?AHEM?

I looked to see one of the youts spudding Nuttie.

?What?s good?? Jayden asked nodding at them. The front man spoke for the rest of them and this bouky guy kept looking at me and liking his lips, so I had to ask.
?Do you need suttin for your lips cah your licking them a lot!? ?Nah, mans cool and ting?? he said, licking his lips again. I prayed that my face showed my disgust.

They talked to them man for a bit and I got the feeling they were waiting for Nuttie and Jayden to go somewhere.

?So when are we--.? Jayden coughed and the boy stopped. They all looked at me. They walked me home speaking in code. I couldn?t be bothered to ask them what they were up to, so I didn?t. I said bye to all of them and I really could not brush of this sudden desire I had for Jayden. I mean, it was there before but fuckin hell, it wasn?t like how I was feeling now? it was more? clear. I hugged him.
?Don?t worry man I?m gonna be fine.? He said. ?I?m not so sure about that Jayden, cant you just stop this road hype?? ?I?ll explain it one day?? he whispered against my ear, sending shock waves through me. WOW.
?You know I love you man.? He said. I didn?t reply. ?Jai?? he asked. I didn?t reply, just stayed hugging him cuz it felt so safe being in his arms. ?Ahh, don?t be pissed off, we can spend time together next week? he winked. I knew what he meant. ?I umm, cant have sex until like a months time.? I told him. He nodded. ?We?re still gonna get together and start suttin? he said making me laugh.

I looked into his eyes and got lost in them. ?I like your eyes.? I said to him. ?You do?? he asked his face nearing mine. ?Hmm, very blue Jayden?? ?Hmmm.?

I swear, I?d never been kissed like that before. I actually found my belly swimming, my heart race increased and I actually moaned! Omygosh!

?OI MAN!? a voice said. I moved away from Jayden to see Nuttie looking at me with a HUGE smile.
?Ah, can?t you fuck off?? Jayden asked not taking his eyes of mine. I turned from him and went to my door. I was actually shocked that I could still walk. I shut the door and closed my eyes. ?Jai! Come here!? Chanel shouted.

I walked up the stairs and into her room. She was smiling.

?I saw that.?
?Saw what??
?You and Jayden getting your freak on, outside our family home?

I laughed and nodded.

?Aint you with Omar anymore?? she asked looking confused.
?I am?
?HUH? Why are you going around kissing other people then??
?I dunno, like last month me and Jasper got carried away??
?Huh??
?We umm??
?YOU FUCKED!? WHISLT YOU WERE PREGNANT??

I nodded.

?Dirty boy!? she said laughing. I sat on her bed and looked at her.
?What?? she asked.
?I?m confused.?
?You are?and its not a question? she said softly.
?I don?t know what, nah, I don?t know WHO I want!?
?Better make up your mind before you get clocked.?
?Thing is?Jasper knows and he doesn?t care?Jayden knows and he doesn?t care??
?But does Omar know??
?Nope and if he finds out, he wont blame me! I don?t understand why he cannot blame me for anything.?
?Jai, he actually loves you? I used to hate him trust me, but when you shot yourself, everything changed. He really does care for you.?
?I know, I just don?t know what to do Chan!?
?Well, its all on you now.? She said.
?I know?
?So what you been doing?? she asked eyeing me suspiciously.
?I went to see Jr the other day? I said cheerfully.

?YOU DID WHAT?? she shouted.
?Yeah??
?What happened??
?Nothing, I just said hi and came back home? I smiled.
?ARE YOU MAD??
?No, I know what I?m doing??
?And what exactly, are you doing Jai? Because this is worrying!?

She sighed and came to sit next to me.

?I don?t want you in trouble; just leave the past in the past please!?

I nodded.

Then my door bell rang. That was when I clocked what my sister was wearing. ?Where are you going??
?Kyan?s taking me out? she said smiling.
?So I take it he?s at the door now??

She nodded and I went down the stairs to open it. I jumped on him when I saw him cuz I hadn?t seen him in a while.
?Yoo sis. What?s good with you?? he asked smiling his amazing smile.
?Nothing much! So where are you taking her?? I asked kissing his cheek.

He put me down and came inside.

?Umm, to dinner??
?Go on??

I saw him going red. Awww.

?Then umm?to a hotel? he said with a smile.

I laughed.

?Uh-oh! Why? What?s the occasion?? I asked.
?Hmmm, umm, nothing? its just she?s been complaining about work and stuff so I just thought I?d umm, make her chillax?

?Such a thoughtful hubby!?

He grinned.

?Who?s a thoughtful hubby?? Chanel asked. We all turned to her.

My eyes widened.

?You were not wearing that before!? I said to her still staring at her.
?I know I changed durh!? she said smiling past me to her hubby.

I looked at him and the way he looked like he wanted to rip off her clothes was too funny.

?Have fun; get pregnant, cuz I can?t!? I said and walked out.

I went into my room and evaluated my life. I didn?t have an ordinary life. I had ONE female friend. The rest were male. I didn?t go to school. WDF. My life was over. I decided to look for a job rather than sit on my ass doing nothing all day.

I went on the internet and started looking. Then I asked my dad for help and we wrote my CV. Surprisingly, I had a lot to say in there? rah!

I went to bed happy.

The next day I went job hunting. I got turfed because I was soo young and I was actually on the verge of giving up when I saw a stranger.
?CHARMZ!? I shouted.

He turned around, his eyes widening. I laughed. My man practically run to me, nearly knocking me over.

?Omygosh! I thought you killed yourself? he said making me laugh.
?Nah I?m still here man!?
?Good, you don?t come school no more?everyone misses you man!?
?I?ll drop by one day? I said honestly.

?So what you doing not in school?? I asked him.
?Got excluded innih?

I shook my head and we continued talking.

?Come we go Starbucks so I can buy you suttin? he said.
?You offered boy!? I said.

He laughed.

We got there and ordered what now and sat down?

?I need a job, suttin to keep me occupied? I?m dying out here? I complained.
?What kind of job?? he asked.

I shrugged.

?Honestly, anything boy??
?Hmm, I think I can hook you up at Debenhams, West?
?Really??

He nodded.

?My mum is the supervisor, and she was like how she?s short of staff and shit like that??

?I love you boy!? I said leaning over to hug him. He laughed.
?So you?re pregnant?? he asked.

?Nope! Not anymore, I had a miscarriage?
?Fucked!?
?Trust me??
?So how are you coping with it??
?I?m not doh?
?Hmm, you need to speak to them counsellor?s cuz that shit can fuck people up?

I nodded and agreed.

We continued to talk and swapped numbers again.

?Go home and make yourself a Facebook you garden gnome?

I laughed.

?Okay you umm, asshole? I said, laughing again.

?Where you going now?? he asked.
?I actually don?t have a clue? I replied.
?Come jam with the mans round the block then? he said.

I nodded thinking of nothing better to do.

We took a bus and kept bussin the most amount of joke. He was some funny breddah. Tryna draws girls who were rolling with their mans. This guy had no respect.

I looked at the time and it was turning 6. I?d been jammin with Charmz for about 4hours now and we were in LB. ?Lost blocks?. Basically, you never went in those blocks if you weren?t from them ends cuz you would get robbed of EVERYTHING valuable on your body.
?KL Charmz?? some dude asked.

He nodded then looked at me. I looked at him right back. Then he looked at my bum.
?Do you have any manners?? I asked him. He laughed and so did Charmz.
?Nah, he really doesn?t, dats why he?s called Ridiculous??
?Huh??
?Cuz he?s actually ridiculous!?

A couple of minutes later, bare other man came and it dawned on me that I was the only girl there but it didn?t bother me?
They started playing tunes and bunning.

?Want some?? Charmz asked passing me the zoot.

I looked at it for a good couple of minutes still, and took it from him. Rah?I hadn?t felt that good in a long time.

I was bare bussing up for no reason and we decided to go treasure hunting. These times, my phone was off and I had no idea what the time was. We fucked about, I remember getting chased by fed, throwing ketchup at the chicken man. Robbing loads of bikes and stuff.

I woke up with a banging headache in some unfamiliar territory. I looked around me and I was half naked, and everyone around me was a boy. There were about 10boys in one room all cramped up in one space.
I looked around and saw bare drinks, Malibu, Alize, Martel etc. Some exposed weed, rolled up zoobies and bare used condoms. Now I was fucking lost.
I slowly got up and realised I had been sleeping on someone.

?Charmz? I said slapping him awake. ?Hmm?? he asked then opened his eyes? smiling.
He stretched and yawned.
?What the fuck happened?? I whispered.

My voice had gone! Like barely managed to fucking speak!

?Yesterday was mad!? he said.
?Hmm, I don?t remember shit!?
?You and Ridiculous got bare comfy??
?WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?? I asked.
?You was bare sucking on him, us man were watching! Madness!?

I stared in shock.

?WHAT??
?Yeah?? he said.

?Charmz, tell me your lying please??
?Yeah! I?m gassing don?t worry! I made sure you stayed untouched! It was hard doh! Cuz you kept taking off your clothes!?
?I was drunk wasn?t I??

He nodded.

My head banged hard!

I need some paracetamol or something? I said walking through loads of bodies.
?Where are we anyway?? I asked.
?Oldah?s yard.?

I saw the time. ?O shit.? I looked for my phone? I found it and turned it on.

O WOW, 86 missed calls.

Life was good. At least someone missed me.
?Show me the bath? I said stumbling holding my head.

About half an hour later, I was wearing boys clothes, holding my head and watching t.v.

It was fucking painful.

The other mans in the house woke up and were making bare noise and shit. I held my head.

They all watched me.

?Do you remember anything you did yesterday?? they asked. I shook my head.
?You don?t remember punching the pizza guy? Robbing Tesco Metro? Thieving the train? Going Trafalgar square??

?No!? I said.

They all laughed.

?My head!? I complained over their noise.
They laughed harder.

I left there at 6 at night, when I felt sane again. But they knew how to have a good time.

I got home opened the door and no-one was home.

?HELLO??
I called out.

?JAI!?? my dad?s voice said from upstairs.
?Yeah?? I replied.

?WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU?RE PLAYING AT?? he shouted coming down the stairs, angry.
?Umm I lost track of time? I said back.

He fumed but didn?t say anything? What could he really do to me?
?I?ve got a job doh, well, I?ve kinda got one?? I said to him.

He didn?t reply and I went upstairs and stayed in bed the whole day. My voice was fucked.

The rest of the week was spent jammin and getting high, it was madness!

The amount of shit we did was just not on, but we didn?t care cuz everyone was buzzing to the max!

We were in the last week of February and I?d been high so many times I?d actually made Charmz?s yard mine.

I was in my bed! Yes my bed when a call came through.
?Yoo!? I said yawning.
?What?s this I?ve been hearing about you bunning?? he asked.

?You hear everything?? I said to him.
?Jai, what?s going on with you??
?Omar, there?s nothing wrong with me, I?m just living my life??
?Life? Okay, you?ve nearly got shifted. That?s living your life yeah??
?Sometimes??
?Don?t get me angry.?
?Or what are you gonna do?? I asked.
?Do you wanna see this Ridiculous guy ever again? If you don?t keep taking.?
?Gosh! Violence is not the answer to everything.?
?Hmm, with you it is.?

?Ok?I wont do it again? I said.
?Promise me.?
?I promise I won?t go out and get high, drunk and what not. And I promise to behave myself while my boyfriend is away? I added.

He laughed.

?I?ll ding you back babes.? He said and locked off.

Then my phone rang as soon as he locked off.

I sighed and picked up.

?You lodged me on Tuesday?
?Sorry love!? I said apologetically?

?Its cool? next month doh still??
?So have you and Nuttie been behaving?
?Course, as always??

I knew he was lying anyway.

I was going to say something but my I got a call on my line. ?Jay, hold on I got a call coming through??
?Who is it??
?Omar.?
?KMT, YOUR GONNA PUT ME ON HOLD FOR THAT PRICK?? he asked.
?Omygosh! Just wait yeh?please? I said and answered before he could say anything else.
?Can I call you back please Omar?I?m on the phone to someone else??
?Who??
?Umm?Jayden??

?Your lodging me for Jayden?? he asked.

I sighed.

?You people are so angry! Why are you all so angry??
?Cuz that dick head is a pussio.?

I got a text.

?Hold on I got a text??

I read it?.

Take me off hold!
Tell him to fuck
His mum!!

It was Jayden.

I didn?t even know what to do? then shit got worse? my door bell went and I went to open it?

?Wag1 Jai?? he said.

Then in my ear I hear Omar shouting. ?WHY THE FUCK IS JASPER AT YOUR YARD??

?I dunno?? I said to him. Jasper let himself in, he was bare smiling and ting.

I really did not know what the fuck to do?

?Omar, I?ll call you back?? I said.
?OMYFUCKIN DAYS! JAI, DON?T VIOLATE??
?Then what should I do?? I asked.
?Argh! Fuck this? he said and locked off?

?Umm Jayden, I?ll call you back.?

As soon as I said Jayden, Jasper screwed and did something really stupid.

?Oi, Jai come back I aint finished with you!? he said.
?Say no more Jai? Jayden said and locked off.

I looked at Jasper and I wanted to rip his throat out. He continued to smile. ?Ahh Jasper man!? I said to him.
?What??
?Look what you just did.?

Then my doorbell went. I went to open it and wow? he was fuming. He barged in?

?Omar calm down?? I said to him.

He came in the living room and saw Jasper sitting there watching T.V.
?Fam why are you here?? he asked Jasper.
?Jammin with your wifey??
?How does that work?? Cubbz asked.

?She?s everybody?s wifey? Jasper said laughing. ?Nah, I?m gassing?? he added.

?This cannot get any worse?? I said quietly.

Then someone thumped my door. ?WHAT THE FUCK!?? I asked and went to open.

Jayden was standing behind the door looking pissed off.

He rushed in and saw Jasper and Omar there fuming. He laughed. ?Pussios!?
He said. This boy was BRAVE.
Jasper came for him and Omar stopped him.
?I?m going to teach you a lesson lil boy? Jasper smiled some evil smile at him. I was just standing there thinking? OMYWORD?Their going to kill each other?

Then my door bell rang again? this shit cannot get ANY worse?

I opened the door and Nuttie was behind it, bare smiling. That?s when I heard the shouting. He rushed in and we both run into the living room.
They were fucking up Jayden and Nuttie joined in.

Okay, I know this was dumb but I stood there and watched. Jasper could throw some hard bangs still! Ouch! I felt for my babies jaw? Aww, Jayden was all red and shit. Then my front door opened. They all stopped.

Then my dad walked in.

I looked up in the sky and asked the floor to swallow.

?What?s going on here?? he asked.
?Nothing?a friendship get together.? I said plainly?
?Yup? Jasper replied.

My dad?s smile returned when he saw Nuttie and Jayden.

They all left and I knew they were going to kill each other anyway?I couldn?t be assed to try and stop it?

For the next couple of days, I kept to myself and turned off my phone. I needed to think.

Last day of February, everyone was happy. I mean Chanel was happy and I couldn?t figure out why, until I saw some fat ring resting on her finger. I smiled and didn?t say anything. She clocked and we both gave each other a big fat smile.

I got a text.

Someone?s been a bad girl?

I was confused and called the number but it went to voicemail.

I didn?t take any notice, I just thought of going into March with no secrets? how was I going to tell Omar I slept with Jasper and kissed Jayden without him killing one of them?

I got a call. It was Jayden.

I picked up.

?WHAT?? I asked,
?He?s gone?? Jayden said?
?Who?? I asked.
?Nuttie, they shot him?he?s gone??
?Who?s they?? I asked, tears in my eyes, knowing the answer and not wanting to hear it.
?Jasper innih. Watch?he?s a dead man, say no more? Jayden said and locked off.

I sank to floor, crying?

Nuttie was gone? and I knew he killed him. Nice way to make it to March?just when I thought everything was going good, my best friend in the whole wide world gets shot by a psycho I?m in love with.

Just my luck!

March 2007

I rushed to the hospital in confusion and gave Nuttie?s name. The nurse smiled at me. Why was she smiling when he was dead?
I know it was a stupid question but I had to ask to confirm?and by Jov, I?m happy I did.
?Is he alive??

She nodded.
Huh? Who was pranking who? Now I was doubt Jay said he was dead and now the nurse is saying he?s alive.

?Can you please explain to me what happened?? I asked. ?He was shot twice one in his leg and the other missed a vessel in his neck. He is a very lucky boy.?

I sighed.

That was when I made up my mind. The fact that he survived told me that life was too short for nonsense. I either succeeded or failed. And at that present moment in time, I was on the road to failure. ?Cum?on Jai!? I said to myself. I could do it. I could!
I decided to go ahead and do it. Like 2pac said, ?I wake up in the morning and I ask myself, is life worth living or should I blast myself?? So boy! I decided my life was worth living. The nurse wouldn?t let me in because I wasn?t family and I didn?t force. He was alive and that was more than enough. But it still hadn?t sunk in that I could have lost my best friend. Nah scratch that. He was more than a friend, he might aswell have been blood.

I went home and Chanel asked me if I?d heard Nuttie had been shot. I told her I had and I knew and told her where he?d been shot. She asked if I knew who done it and I said I did. She then looked at me for a bit and walked off.

I went into my room and called him.

?Jai!? he said enthusiastically.

I closed my eyes and sighed. This boy was truly twisted. He seemed soo happy.
?Why are you so happy??
?Didn?t you hear??
?Nope?
?I shot Battie?? He said laughing.
?I think you mean Nuttie??
?Yeah, that pussio! Argh, man. I feel soo good.?
?You could have killed him? I said silently.
?Nah, I know I didn?t kill him. I hit his leg and somewhere else.?
?His neck! His fucking neck?Jasper? Why don?t you seem to care??
?Cuz I don?t.?

He said and laughed again.

?Ite, Goodbye Jasper.?
?Umm, you?re bare talking like you?re dying or suttin.?

That?s cuz I am. I thought to myself. I didn?t understand why they didn?t see how stupid they were being.

?I?m not but yeh bye.?

I was about to lock off when?

?Jai??
?Yeah??
?You know I love you man! Its just that the people them you cotch with are pricks?nothing personal?just business.?

I sighed and locked off.

He just didn?t get the message.

I called my aunt and talked to her and discussed a few things also. She was happy. My mum and dad came in and I decided to tell them my thoughts.

?That?s fantastic news!? my mum said.

I nodded and took a deep breath. This was also a big step. I was severing all my ties. ALL OF THEM. I reminded myself.

The next week, I went to visit Nuttie and instead of him being brought back to earth that he could have lost his life, he was hell bent on revenge. Talking about ?rolling thru? ?letting it off? I couldn?t be bothered with their negative attitudes anymore because I?d been trying to dissuade them and they still weren?t getting it. What more could I do?

I called Nia and told her what I wanted to do. She was 100% on it for me. ?I thought you were going to flop.? ?I am?? she laughed.
?Good luck with your GCSE?s doh!? I said to her.
?It hasn?t even started.?
?Hmmm??
?You know you could do it?? She said to me.

?I?m confused.? I said back honestly.
?You?re really clever, plus? you learned everything you needed to learn in yyear10 basically, you?ve done all your coursework, so you could still do your GCSE?s because you are a genius?

?Aww thank you bubi!? I said back enthusiastically. She laughed and so did I. ?I want to see you rolling up in school tomorrow.?
?Yes boss!? I said back.

Was I ready to back to school?

Well, it was do or die?

?Mum??
?Yes baby?
?I?m going back to school tomorrow, cuz I?ve been talking to Nia and she mentioned that I could still do my GCSE?s ? they?ve already entered me and its not too late?and I could easily catch up.? I blurted.
?Hmm, I?m not sure, I mean? that?s a lot of subjects love.?
?I know I can do it.?

I said back defensively. ?Woah! I?m not the enemy baby girl? she said.

I smiled and hugged her.

?I know? mum??
?Hmmm??

?So are you and dad getting divorced?? I asked.

She looked at me and sighed and nodded.

The day was over soon and I went to bed feeling very happy for some next reason.

I woke up feeling alive. Well, lively and I looked at my stomach. It wasn?t all that big anymore and nobody would ask because I planned on wearing a very big jumper and cuz it was kind still cold, I was cool.

I went into the bathroom and did whatever and came back out refreshed. I looked through my lil closet and found my uniform and began putting it on. For a split second I felt like me again. Jai before all the drama and nonsense?and it felt good. I smiled at myself and continued to dress up.

I walked downstairs and my dad was sitting there reading his newspaper and sipping on his coffee. I had to laugh. He looked up and his eyes widened. Okay maybe, I forgot to mention it to him.
?I?m going to school? I said.
?I can tell?? he said casually.

We ate in silence? a happy silence.

?Do you want me to drop you off?? he asked. I shook my head.

He nodded and said bye, and whatever and left. Now I was by myself in the house. I didn?t even know what books to take because it had been so damn long so I just took my side back and keys etc. Then left.

Damn! Strangely, nothing felt weird. It was like the most normal thing in the world. I took the bus and saw Charmz. He laughed and came to sit next to me.
?You?re back??

I nodded and he laughed harder.

?For how long? GCSE?s start in May and we?re in March??
?I know that you dollop! But I?ve been more work than you so I?m going to be fine? I said. Rah, and I believed it aswell!
?Sooo! When you gonna come and jam with us again?? he asked winking.

I laughed.

?Soon ??
?Ridiculous was asking about you??
?Was he now.?
?Yeah, he quite likes you?? Charmz laughed again. I hit him on his shoulder.

?So that?s what I get for tryna help a sister??
?Yeah!?
?I won?t try no more then??
?Good good, now update me??

?Hmm, Melissa got pregnant and then had an abortion??
That stung me hard! I nearly cried.
?Hmm umm, you okay??

I nodded. ?Continue??

?There?s a video of Rochelle getting head, she says its not here?Stephen nearly beat this new music teacher?he?s gonna do it doh??

I choked.

?H-he what??
?Yeah, she has the hots for him innih! And cuz he musta had a boner and she saw how black men were blessed, he wanted some chocolate?

Charmz was just soo fuckin nasty!

I had to laugh. ?Chocolate yeh?? ?Yeah man! Some nice, milk chocolate and some milk in the end?all healthy.?

He said grinning.

?Ogosh! You nasty thing!?
?No time to complain! Look, our stop? he said grinning. I got off and walked into school.

Even the teachers were watching stunned. They musta been thinking. ?Why has she come back?? but I didn?t really neither care nor mind cuz I was there on business. I went into registration, made my form tutor choke on his coffee and shit.

?JAI?? Stephen said grinning. I laughed and nodded.

?You look??
?Fat??
?Nah?not even! You have more meat on you now, and rah, that backoff?FUCKIN HELL MAN!?
He said still watching my bum and not trying to hide it. I slapped him and he laughed. The whole class laughed.
?HI PEOPLE? I said standing on the table.

They all laughed.

?Jai?s back motherfuckers! Bow down.? I shouted.

?AHEM!? my tutor said loudly. ?Sorry? I apologised and got back down. Everyone was laughing and Nai walked in with a smile on her face. I laughed.
?Baby girl!? I said running to hug her.

I hadn?t seen my love in time!!

?I missed you? I said to her.
?I know you did? she replied.

?Group hug!? Someone yelled. Due to excessive weight, I dropped on the floor and more weight came tumbling down. I laughed.

I found out how much catching up I needed to do and damn, it was a lot. I stayed in school until the school itself closed and went home.

I got home at 10, ate, had a quick shower and did my work. I went to bed at 2. This routine continued throughout the month and months to follow.

Things were going umm, surprisingly good. Nuttie wasn?t dead, everything was good and I changed my number. I didn?t plan on seeing either Omar or Jasper anymore.
And Jayden also.

If they wanted to kill themselves, I was out of it. I evaluated my sudden change of attitude and put it down to reality. It had bitch slapped me and I kinda liked it cuz now, everything was back on track.

I said a quick thank you to God.

Maybe my life would be changing for the better after all. I was about to sleep when my phone went off.
I was surprised because only 5 people had the new number and they were:
Nai
Chanel
Charmz
Dad
Stephan.

?Private?

I said into the phone.

?Wag1 Jai??

It was Omar. I kissed my teeth making it apparent that I didn?t want to speak to him.
?Is that how it is now Jai?? he asked.
?No, not even, I?m not even gonna ask you how you got my number, so I?m just gonna tell you, don?t call it again.?

?Huh??
?If you wanna go around killing people?on your head be it!?
?Please tell me this is not about Nuttie.?
?It is?
?Omygosh?I didn?t shoot him.?
?SO.?
?Why am I getting the blame? He asked for it and he got it.?

I sighed.

They just really didn?t understand that it wasn?t a game. Lives were at risk from their stupid war and they didn?t car. If they did, they hid it pretty well!
?Bye Cubbz, I would appreciate it if you wouldn?t try and get in contact with me again?

?Oh seen seen.?

He said and locked off.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Sleep wouldn?t come. And tears came instead.

I?d just broken off one relationship?

What next?

I didn?t regret it. I was just sorry that he wasn?t able to see past all the hype and recognise that he meant something to someone.

March over. Strike one. One down. Two left. I was more scared of the last two than I was of Omar. Cuz Omar was predictable.

Jasper and Jayden?

The power of the J?s. They were soo darn stubborn! I wondered what April would have in mind. I saw positivity.

April, May and June 2007.

Nothing happened. Just work, revision and exams.

July + August 2007.

School?s over and I was over happy and I was going on holiday. A holiday I deserve! I was going to Jamaica?Spanish Town baby! I hadn?t been to Jamaica for a good 8years. Considering that I was half, I found it a big par. We were at the airport and me and Chanel we fuckin excited. We couldn?t wait. Making up bare noise and shit. My parents just looked at us. I didn?t even wanna think about them.
They basically hated each other. DID NOT GET ALONG but ?tried? to for us. I wanted them apart and happy than together and miserable. I?d done loads and loads of shopping and my body was back to normal and I was having periods again. This is because after my abortion, my body thought I was still pregnant, so I didn?t get my period, and I would have milk come out of my breasts. Yuck! It reminded me so badly of what could have been. I used to cry! But hey, life?s life. I decided that a life with regrets was a life worth living so; I was making all my mistakes in the present and learning from them in the future.

9 long hours later we landed in Kingston. The heat hit me as soon as I stepped off the flight. The biggest smile came on my face and fucking hell I was happy to be home. I felt AT HOME!
There was a car waiting for us and my granddad was sitting in there with a huge smile on his face. I smiled aswell. I had missed him.
We went to my granddad?s house unpacked and everyone fell asleep. The next day we all woke up feeling rejuvenated. Chanel and I had planned not to roll with our parents in any shape or form. We were doing it solo.
As usual, it was a very hot day and I decided that I would enjoy and soak up some sun.
I wore some shorts that may have aswell been panties and a see through white top. I held my hair up and slipped in some earrings. I looked hot. Then I laughed. It was a hot country after all. We went out and let?s just say, our holiday was a seriously good holiday with loads of fun and over excited boys and men!

20th of August and I landed back in the U.K but I was in Kent. Why? I?d moved. I didn?t live in my old ends; I wasn?t a London girl anymore. I was a Kent girl! I was living with my dad?s mum?s sister, and Chanel was travelling to America with Kyan. Lucky shit! She was going on holiday again and they were travelling around the world. I was annoyed at the fact that we came back and she unpacked and packed again whilst my bags just stayed unpacked. She didn?t stop laughing.
?I hate to say this shit but I?m going to miss you!? I said to her. She smiled and started crying. This girl was so damn emotional! ?Stop crying man! I?m gonna start crying aswell and you know I wont stop.?
?Yeah.? She said laughing and wiping her tears.

I went to hug her and she let loose again which had me crying also! I loved my sister so bloody much!
?Don?t get pregnant? I said making her laugh again.
?Hmm, you too, stay away from boys! Stay away from Jasper, Jayden and Cubbz.? She said seriously.
?Nuttie?? I asked.
?And him, you need a fresh start love, don?t let anyone start bringing you down okay??

I nodded and cried.

I helped her take her cases down stairs whilst she cussed me for accidentally dropping her makeup bag. We both laughed. The cab was waiting for her. We both stopped and stared at each other. I started crying and she came to hug me. My big sister had always been there for me and even though she was going on a very long holiday, I felt I was missing something! It made me sad. She went into the cab and waved at me. I waved back and she the cab drove away. I cried silent tears and went back inside. My parents were back in London trying to ?sort things out? but I knew it wouldn?t work.

For the rest of the week I went online and tried to get myself into last minute sixth form colleges. Luckily, I got an interview to one on the day of my results. It was being posted to me, and weirdly, I wasn?t scared. Nah! I lied. I was absolutely, scared because I hadn?t been in most lessons and what not and times had been hard for me. I decided to look around and see who lived in my neighbourhood. My aunt had a son who was 19 and worked away from home so I was basically home alone all the time because she had work. Not that I gave mind. I?d always been on my own.

I went college shopping and walked into New Look to look for a particular belt when I bumped into an old face. At first I didn?t recognise!
?Lisa?? I asked.

She turned around and looked at me, then blinked then jumped on me.
?Jai? Right, omygosh! I never thought I would see you again!? she said whilst running to hug me.

I grinned.

?Same, look at you, looking all grown up!? I said to her. She laughed and hugged me again. With her blue eyes gleaming.
?Last time I saw you, Cassie was on Jayden!? she commented. We both laughed.
?Yeah, I remember.? I said sadly.
?O yeah! You and him! What?s been happening? What are you doing in Kent??
She asked.

I laughed.

?Where you going after here?? I asked her.
?Home, yeah! Good idea. We can catch up there!? she said all excited. This made me smile.
I finished buying my belt and we went to her yard and I told her everything. I don?t know why I did, but it felt good talking to someone new and fresh.
?Wow, Rah! And I thought my reason for moving here was deep! Fucked!?
?Why did you move here??
?My dad is a prick innih, and he?s been banned by the court from ever trying to come close to me and my mum. My mum testified against his bredrin in court and we?re on this witness protection thing. It?s bare complicated.? She said sighing.
?Ang tyt us for having fucked up lives boy!? she said.
?I second that Lisa!?

How interesting that me and Lisa would end up going to the same college and becoming very good friends.

My results came and let?s just say, I did enough to do my A-Levels!

September 2007

It was the first day of college and I was in my tutor/form class talking to my Geography teacher who was also my form tutor. I was asking about what we would be studying and what not when I heard the noise.
?Here they come. 22 noisy heads, a whole year, the sadness.? He said making me laugh.
I sat down at the back of the class so I could watch and analyse the people that came through. Lisa and I were in different tutor classes hence, the fact that I was rolling solo.
After everyone had settled down, we had the opportunity to introduce ourselves to each other. We were split into several groups and as per usual, I was the only girl in a group of 7boys and in the usual Jai style, the girls were on the screwing tip.
?I?m Jai. If you ever in your life see my first name and call me by it, I will hurt you.? I said to them.
They laughed and so did I but I was deadly serious.

Everyone introduced themselves and I found myself liking all 7 of them because they were weird and funny and well, WEIRD!

?So what are we going to do for the next 15minutes?? I asked watching everyone in their little groups laughing and having fun.
?Are you a virgin?? One boy called Ephraim asked. All of a sudden they were all staring at me. Fourteen pairs of eyes, weirdly, I didn?t feel intimidated.
?I?m celibate now.? I replied.

They started grinning like no mans business.

?What?? I asked.
?You don?t seem like the type of girl who?s not a virgin.? Neverson replied. I didn?t understand why his first name was a second name either!
?Well, what?s the virgin type?? I asked smiling at him.

He scratched his head.

?I don?t know!? he replied. We all laughed.
?So how many times have you been pressed?? Carlos asked.
I actually had to laugh. I laughed for a good 5minutes. Everyone in my group was laughing.
?You say it so rude!? I commented.
?Nah, I didn?t even mean it like that.?
?I know.? I replied.
?I dunno.? I replied honestly.
?You what?? most of blurted?
?What you thought I?d been ?pressed? only one time, and that was for my virginity?? I asked.

They all nodded.

?Wrong! I?ve been pressed by 3 people.? I said laughing. Funnily, I was enjoying this conversation. I didn?t feel like a slut, saying it, I didn?t regret it either. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted of my shoulders!

We continued this chat until we were dispersed to our lessons. I had English and so did Lisa. I saw her hugging one boy and I grinned. She saw me and returned the grin. I knew I would find out later!

Our English teacher wasn?t in, which meant that we had no teacher. The head of English would just pop in and out to make sure we were doing ?work?. Like really, we didn?t even know what the curriculum was and he was giving us work. Obviously, no one did anything. Everyone was having their own little conversations and Lisa and I were in that everyone.
?Who was that guy?? I asked feeling overly nosey.

She burst out laughing.

?A friend.?
?Whatever! A friend my back foot!?

We both laughed.

?No but really, he?s my ex.?
?I?m confused, ex?s don?t hug like that you simme!?
?We?re on and off?
?Ohhh! Seen!?
?I don?t need a man to make me happy?? I started singing.

She joined in and soon we started singing random songs about boys, other girls were joining in too and the boys looked uncomfortable; which was really funny.

Two long hours later, it was done and I had to visit the hospital for a check-up. I didn?t want to go, but I had no option.

I got there and felt really uncomfortable. I went to the reception and they asked me to wait. I waited 15minutes and was about to leave when they said my name. I sighed got up and followed the man.
Half an hour later after loads of tests, I was told to come back a week later to hear what the tests said. I was screwing him because the reason I went was because I didn?t want to go again.
I got out of there and looked around me. I was bored and wanted something to do. I didn?t want to go home just yet so I decided to walk about and explore because I hadn?t been exploring in a while.

As I walked around watching people, I reflected on my life so far and tried not to cry because it hurt a lot knowing that I could have had a baby. That was the worst pain ever and it I knew it wasn?t going away any time soon.

?Excuse me??
I turned around to see about 5guys on bikes behind me. I moved out of the way for them to pass through but they stopped.
I watched and waited.
?My friend likes you.? One of them said grinning at me.
?Um, okay. Bye now.? I said walking off.
?Nah wait babes.? Another said cutting me off on his bike.
?What? I got somewhere to go.?
?Can he get your number?? Someone asked.
?Who the hell is he?? I asked really confused.
?Me.? a deep voice replied.

I looked to see one guy staring at me with fire in his eyes and a smile on his face. I laughed and his smile grew wider.
?So can I have your number then??
?I don?t have a phone.? I replied.
?Don?t gas?
?No, seriously, I don?t have a phone.?
?Can I have your second name then??
?For what?? I blurted out.
?Facebook, jam, I?m not an identity thief.?

I laughed and apologised.

?I don?t have Facebook.? I replied.
?Msn??
?Nope.?
?What the fuck do you have then?? he asked looking frustrated. I laughed.
?A home, and a life.? I replied back still laughing.
?Ite then, where you live??

I told him.

?Hey! That?s my bits too!?
?When did you move here?? I asked him.
?Like 2years ago why? How you know I?m not from here??
?You sound so bloody hood!? I replied making him laugh.

By this time, it was me and him talking. His friends had buss out and it was funny talking to him.
We continued talking then I realised it was time to go home. He followed because he lived next to me.

We walked for about 15minutes when he pointed. ?See that?s my yard.? He said happily.
He lived opposite me and I laughed.
?And that?s mine.? I pointed.
?Ohh! So you?re that girl with the fat ass everyone keeps seeing! Oh, seen its you!? he said laughing.
?Huh??
?My boys musta been looking out of the window when they saw some big ass go inside, they kept talking about it!?

I laughed.

?It?s not that big.?

He paused and turned me around and took a deep breath.
?It is. Believe it is. Lord Almighty it is.?

I laugh and so did he.

?I?ll catch you around.? I said trying to walk off.
?Your house number at least. Please.? He said begging.

I laughed.

?I don?t know that either.?
?Ah. I?ll catch you around then. I?ll keep looking outside my window.? He said.
I laughed harder and walked off. I could feel him watching my bum.
?Eric stop watching my ass!? I shouted not turning around.
?I can?t help it! Its so, fucking hell!?

I laughed opened my front door and went inside.

No-one was in so I watched a DVD, read a book and before I knew it, I was in college. My second day of college.

It was break and I was with my new found dargies and they were making me laugh really loud. Not on purpose but I just couldn?t help myself.
They were so silly.
?No, but how can this boy try it on me?? Neverson said outraged.
?Cuz he can!? Carlos replied.

Carlos and Neverson were cousins but acted like husband and wife. It was really really bad because if I didn?t know them I would have assumed they were all gay.

Neverson was talking about some random boy who tried to stab him. Although it was serious, the way they said it was making me laugh harder each second.

?Ey Carlos shut up you fucking prick! After these times you stole my sister?s gel.?
?BAITED!? I shouted making everyone look our way.

One particular girl was screwing. Nah, bun that 3 particular girls were screwing.
?Who are they?? I asked openly baiting out I was talking about them by pointing.
?Oh, them.? Ephraim replied.

I nodded.

There was a black girl, mixed raced girl and white girl. I laughed because it was funny.
?Its funny innit? Carlos laughed aswell.
I nodded.
?Proper making sure no one can say their racist.? I said laughing harder.

It weren?t all that funny but then we all burst out laughing.

?Oi dickhead! What you saying?? Neverson shouted to someone.
?Prick! What you saying??

By this time, I was behind Ephraim still laughing so I couldn?t see who it was. Then I looked and laughed.

?You come here?? he asked looking shocked.
?Yes Eric I do.? I smiled.
?I come here? I teach here.? He said.
?Huh?? I asked confused.
?I do a coaching course here.?
?How old are you then?? I asked.
?19 in three months? don?t get it twisted doh? I go Uni.?

I nodded.

?Coaching course??
?Yeah, I teach football.?

I nodded.

?You two know each other?? Neverson asked.
?Yeah, that?s my man.? I lied.
?Why you gassing?? they all said.
?Eric, am I gassing??
?Nah, she aint.?
?So how come she didn?t know how old you were??
?We?ve been too busy getting busy.? I replied laughing.

They looked so confused so I decided to continue with it. By the end of the day, I?d made PURE enemies because I was ?going out? with Eric.

September was an interesting month. Very interesting. I was going out with someone I wasn?t going out with and me and Lisa were becoming closer each day.
I missed Nuttie and I missed Jayden! I missed everyone especially Cubbz! My stomach and heart hurt everytime I thought of him.

Chanel has called and was having the time of her life. I was happy for her. Maybe it was time for me to move and find my own happiness. Something I call can call mine because all of them had disappointed me. To them fighting each other for the prize was more important than the prize itself.
I wanted me, to be more important that the fighting. October is such a funny month?

October 2007

?So, I?m having a Halloween party.? I was at Lisa?s house and she?d just dropped her Halloween party invitation for me. I laughed and so did she.
?So, you and Eric??
?What about him? Better yet, what about me?? I asked.
?How?s the relationship.? She asked grinning and standing up and stretching.

I looked at her.

She was really pretty.

?Lisa, you?re really pretty you know?
?Aww, thanks, but stop tryna side step my question.?

I laughed.

?No! Not even. You know that it?s a trick and you?re still going on about it.?
?That?s because baby girl, I see chemistry.?
?Yeah, and it?s just your biology.? I replied feeling so clever.
?Don?t get too happy you tramp.?
?Say what?? I asked.
?You heard bitch!? she said getting up, I got up and picked up a pillow and hit her with it.

We both started laughing. That was when the pillow fight started. It was so funny!

We decided to give it a rest and I left her house and went back to mine. Before I opened my door, someone called my name and I turned around.

It was Eric.

I smiled and walked towards his house.

He was sitting on the wall with one boy I?d never seen before. He was smiling as per usual.

?Jai!? he said enthusiastically.
?Eric. What?s good?? I asked him.
?Nothing.? He laughed.
?Jai this is Michael.? He said.
?Hi Michael.? I said back.

His friend was checking me out and I didn?t like it and he weren?t clocking.
?I have to go inside real quick; I?ll be out in a bit okay?? I asked.

He nodded and I walked off.

I got inside the house and felt really weird. The house was empty as usual and I sat down and sighed.
I didn?t understand what was going on with me, I felt so weird. I looked through my phone for something to do and there was nothing on it for me to do.
I sighed.
I decided to get changed and went back out to find even more boys outside of Eric?s house. I shook my head and crossed the road and walked towards them hoping Eric would notice me and walk towards me.
He did.
?Mi baby!? he said walking towards me, arms open wide and smiling. He was so peng! No he wasn?t.
He was my friend. He was Eric. I mean, he was so hot.
I walked into his hug and felt so content and safe. Like all of life?s problems didn?t matter.
?So you?re out again then?? he asked staring down at me adoringly.
?I didn?t know what to do with myself. I felt so strange in there on my own.?
?Aww, so you?ve come to jam with me?? I nodded.

We went inside his house and his boys followed. I was in his living room and got introduced to everyone there. They didn?t try move to me because Eric made it clear I was his ?ting?. I found it very funny and did my best not to laugh but laughed anyway. He was mature. I liked that. He was on point with his education and I liked that too.

?Come we go to my room.? He said pulling me up.
I looked at him sceptical.
?I aint gonna rape you babes.? He said making his mandem laugh.
I hesitantly followed him.
?Take your shoes off.? He said whilst we were climbing the stairs.
?Why??
?My room is a palace.? He said making me laugh.
I took my shoes off regardless.
?You have some small feet! Aww.? He said.
?I?m not a child Eric!? I said.

He stopped turned around looked at me up and down and licked his lips.
?You certainly aren?t?
I shook my head.
?Nah, levels, what?s your shoe size??
?I?m a 4 but I can be a 5? I lied.
?You?re not a 4, please don?t chat shit! Please!? he said.
?Why would I lie??

He pointed to my Jordan?s jamming on the floor.

?Unless I?m going blind I swear that says size 3!? he said grinning.
?Fool. Move up the stairs? I said back.

He laughed but did it regardless.

?Yo, MTV Base this is my crib, now I?m about to show you my palace, my world. You know where every ting gwarn! Where mi ah get buddy! Where the galdem scream my name and bite on the pillow.? He said walking into his room.

I laughed so hard! This guy was so funny.

I was pleasantly surprised because his bedroom was nice and big. Like really spacious. This boy had an en suite bathroom.
?Balling yeh??
?Everyday, it?s not even a ting like!? he said making me laugh even more.
?Nah really, how you get a house this big to yourself??
?Used my dad?s life insurance? he said.

I bit my lip because I didn?t know what to say. He clocked.

?Why you look bad for? He?s in a better place. He was suffering anyway.?
?What did he have?? I asked.
?Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis?

He saw my face and laughed.

?He basically became a vegetable kind of.? He said.
?Deeeeeeeep?

He smiled.

?Anyway, that?s in the past.? ?Now. ? He said patting his bed. ?This, is where the magic happens.? He winked.

I bit my lip because he was slyly turning me on. He was so damn sexy!

?I?m turning you on Jai??
?No.? I lied.

He was now sitting on his bed and holding my waist as I stood up and looked into his eyes.

?I am innih.? He said again, his smile widening.

He finally had me sitting on his lap whilst he held on to me so tenderly. Wow. I never thought in a million years I would feel like that. EVER!

?Jai on a reals I like you.? He said.

I just stared at him, confused.

?Say something babes.?
?I can?t, I mean, I don?t know what to say.?
?Say I don?t like you, I like you, something! I just wanna know where I stand. Obviously if you don?t feel the same I?m gonna be heart broken but its cool. I can live it with, it?s so I can stop pursuing you or carry on doing it.?

I started laughing.

?Heart broken? Pursue? Eric you?re pursuing me??
?Yes! I want people to see you and see me.? he said.

One big turn on for me was confidence. This boy had it! It weren?t so much that it made him arrogant and cocky but it was just wow. I loved it.

?So what you saying about me because I am definitely feeling you.? He said and squeezed me tighter.
This simple gesture sent shivers down my spine and heat to some unwanted places.
I?d finally noticed that he was making me horny without meaning to.

?I think I like you. I don?t know. I?m not an expert on relationships.?
?How bad?? he asked.
?Bad.?
?Bad bad bad? Or bad bad??
?Bad bad bad bad.? I said.

We both laughed.

?I got a girl pregnant bad.? He said.
?I got pregnant bad.?
?Gas??
?No lie.?
?Rahtid! Bumba! When mi ah look pon yu, I see a virgin.?

I burst out laughing.

?What happened to the girl and your baby?? I asked.
?She went and aborted it behind my back.?
?Pissed.? I said.
?You??
?Long fucking story. But in the end, aborted it because of a misunderstanding. Fully regret. Would change it if I could? I said with a grim smile.

?Past?? he asked.
?Yup, let?s leave this in the past!?
?Now, let?s get back to the important question at hand. Babes, what you saying about me blud??
?I like yuh.? I replied.
?Yu waan go yardie on me?? he asked.
?Nope? I replied back in my perfect English.

?You waan me to breed you??

I burst out laughing.

?Naah bredrin. Mi have some one fi dat!? I replied.

He groaned, lay back on his bed and took me down with him.

?From here it looks like your riding me.? he said grinning.
?Where are you from?? I asked him.
?Ghana, Jamaica and Trinidad.? He replied.
?Hmm.?
?Hmm??
?Explains your nice hair and lips? I said without thinking.

He licked his lips.

?What about you babes? Where you from??
?England.? I said back.
?Don?t piss me off! You?re black.?
?And??
?Even the Queen?s not English? he said.

I laughed.

Then the loud music started.

?Them man are gonna make the neighbours call feds.? He sighed.
?Tell them to stop then.?
?Nah, its cool.? He replied. ?So babes, where you from??
?Stop calling me babes, and I?m from Trinidad, Jamaica, West Indies, Barbados, don?t laugh at this but, Russia and obviously, Africa.?

He laughed and I didn?t find it funny.

?You?re some communist!? he said laughing.
?Piss off.?
?Mix up! Mix up! I thought I was mixed!? he said still laughing hard.

I got off him and sat on the bed and screwed up my face. I weren?t really pissed but hey!

?I thought you were just Ghanaian and Jamaican.?
?Well, that?s the main mix innih. But all I know, I?m gonna make some peng babies? he said smugly.
?Hmph!?
?Why you so fucking mixed Jai? That explains your colour.?
?Excuse you??
?Your black but your not black.?
?Thanks a lot.? I replied not pleased with him.
?Nah, sorry babe. Explain.?
?Stop calling me babe! Ok, my Mums mum is Trinidadian and Jamaican and she married a man from Barbados and Russia. My dad?s dad is from the West Indies all over the gaf basically, but yeah, and he married a Korean woman and obviously all black people are from Africa.?
?You never mention Korea the first time.?
?Because she?s evil and I don?t like her.?
?I like my mums mum better! I love her too much!? I said.
?Hmm MIX UPPPP!? he said and burst out laughing again.
?You?re the first person who knows where I?m from?
?Huh??
?I always say I?m Caribbean. I never fully lay down my family roots.? I said.
?Aww, your feeling me innih. That?s why. Don?t worry doh, you?ll get used to it.?
?Fool? I replied smiling.

?Wanna see something cool?? he asked. I nodded.
?Close your eyes then.? He said.
?I did.?
?Ok, open your eyes.?

I did and wow.

O my wow.

?What the fuck??
?Nice alie!? he said smiling.
?Why are you wearing contacts?? I asked.
?I?m not.? He said smugly.
?That?s peng!? I said.
?I know? he replied pulling me to him.
?Eric, explain!?
?Ok, this draws too much girl man, and its annoying tryna find a job and having it just there, and like I always seem to get interviewed by a woman and she bare goes sexy on me like! It?s a piss take.?
?Lemme get this straight.? I said.
?You wear brown contacts to hide the fact that your eyes are like Jayden?s eyes?? I asked.
?Who dat?? he asked.
?Ahh sorry, someone I knew. He had eyes like yours.?
?From that look on your face, I?d say you knew him pretty well? he said with no emotion in his voice.
?Hmm, lets leave the past in the past ok??
?Yes babes!?
?I swear if you call me babes one more time I?m gonna hurt you.?
?Baybee come clothser.? He said.
?That was so fresh!? I said laughing.
?Clothser yu?nah! Eric your too much for me.? I said, continuing to laugh.
?You just switched from a pervy yardie to a pervy freshie!?
?Pervy yeh? You aint seen nothing yet.? He said and got on top off me.
It all happened so fast. One minute I was laughing and the next, his lips were on mine turning me on!

?How do you go on holiday?? I asked him.
?Easy. Just go to the country you wanna visit? he said laughing.
?I mean, I don?t know what I mean actually. Have you been to Ghana or JA before??
?Well obviously you rubber head.?

?I like you.? I said to him randomly.

I shocked myself because I didn?t expect it.

?You were confused a couple of minutes ago.?
?Shullup!? I said and hit his chest.

He was resting on his elbow just staring at me.

?I can?t believe your only 16!?
?Why??
?Your eyes tell another story I swear down! You?re proper reserved like?
?Hmmm.?
?What?s hmmm??
?Whatever you want it to be Eric.? I said smiling.

For the first time in a long time, the future seemed bright.

We continued to talk for ages and eventually had one of his friends come up and check up on us because we?d been in his room for ages!

?Eric??
?Yea??
?Where?s your mum??
?On holiday, I send and my aunt on holiday whenever it starts to get cold because she gets ill quick and she?s got bad sickle cell.?
?Oh okay.? I replied.

?Why your smiling?? he asked.
?You love you mum don?t you??
?I aint even gonna lie, I do. I?m a momma?s boy, what can I say??
?Nothing?

For the rest of the week, Eric and I spent a lot of time together, just getting to know each other. It was so refreshing because he was a complete gentleman! He also forced me to write him a poem which I did, about his dad and whatever and he cried and didn?t even try to hide it. He held his head high and my respect for him tripled. He was so wow! It felt weird because I was expecting something, like him to behave weird because it just wasn?t possible for someone to be so good. Like, to me it didn?t exist.

I was in my English lesson and the Fags were there.

Remember the three girls who were white, mixed raced and black? Well, them.

Neverson had called them FAGS because they were fake WAGS. I didn?t understand why they felt like they had to switch subjects and had to be put in my English class.
All three of them!

?I don?t like them!? I told Lisa.
?Who?? I pointed.
?Oh, Candace, Symone and Keisha??
?I don?t care their names but I don?t like them! They love to watch face to bludclart much!? I said screwing them.
?They live around my bits, their alright girls once you get to know them.?
?Fam, believe I?d rather get flexible and suck all my toes.? She burst out laughing.
?You?re too much for me man.? She said.

I laughed aswell.

?So this Halloween party.?
?Go on??
?I wanna come dressed as a prostitute.?
?You can.? She said encouragingly. ?Its fancy dress aswell innih.?
?So I can dress scary or sexy.?
?Yup, hey! That?s a good line, I?m gonna put it on the flyer. Dresscode: Scary sexy or Flirty sexy.?
?You made a flyer? OmyLord, why do you give me the weirdest friends?? I asked looking up.

She pulled my hair and I screeched with laughter.

?Sorry buba!?
?Buba this? she said and threw her pen at me.

We both laughed.

The FAGS looked my way, said something to one another and started laughing.
Due to the amount of shit I had been through, I had no insecurities about myself expect for trusting boys! So what ever they were saying did not phase me one bit because I was living for me, and not on any one else?s terms.

?Anyways.? I said cutting my eyes at them.

The lesson went on with tension. I found myself liking this tension. It got me thinking.

It was lunch time and no one was bothered to go out.

Lisa was with Steve. Her ?ex? and I was with my peoples! Vybzing.

We were discussing weed when Eric rolled up with his peoples. Once again, I was the only girl in a group of about 12 boys. I didn?t care nor mind but the looks I got from other girls were emotional.

?Hi? Eric said to me

They?d all gone silent and were watching me and Eric! Gosh so inner!

?Hi? I replied.

We were both grinning at each other. Neverson decided to interrupt with his big head.
?Give him a kiss!? he shouted.
?Yea!? Carlos interjected.
?Can you gay pricks not shut up?? Michael asked.

Everyone laughed.

?Levels, kiss him? Temi said.
?Why?? I asked.
?Cuz he?s your man you durh brain? Carlos said again.
?Is it just me or is he getting gayer?? I asked.

Everyone agreed.

?Anyway, I don?t need to kiss him to prove anything. He?s my man and that?s that?
?Well, I dare you to kiss him them.? One childish boy called Yemi said.
?Okay then. I will? I said.

The way his grin widened.

?AYYYY MAKE WAY MAN! LET THE WIFEY GO SAY WAG1 TO HER MAN!!!? Carlos shouted making everyone look our way.
The boys moved out of the way.

I was now standing in front of him.

?Took you long enough.? He said smiling at me.
?You?re still wearing contacts.?
?Your lips are still calling my name? he said.
?Did you miss me?? he asked.
?I did.? I replied.
?Hmm, lemme make it up to you.? Just then, the way his lips made it up to me was quite emotional. Wow. I mean. Nah, wow. O my wow. I felt his hands stray to my bum and I didn?t even try to stop him. What I was feeling was too intense to stop.

He stopped it which annoyed me.

?Not here man, your going to make me strip you in front of the whole college.?

Sure enough, everyone was looking at us. Weirdly, I didn?t care!

?GWARRRN! That?s how it?s done! That?s my boy! That?s my boy!? Michael said cheering Eric. I laughed.
We all did.

?Is that lil Jai growing up yeh?? Tevin asked.
?I aint ina PDA but it had to be done.? I said.

They all looked baffed.

?Public display of affection? I said.
?Ohhhh!? they all said.

I laughed.

Eric had his hands around me and it felt good. Something told me to look up and I did and wow, the FAGS were burning me with their screws. I shook my head and calmed myself down. I didn?t want to somehow turn bi-polar and burn them or something.

?Don?t watch them? Eric whispered.

I smiled at him and made a mental note of revenge for them. I was that twisted. I knew I wasn?t all that better from when I started going slightly mad but I obviously didn?t advertise it. It just popped up sometimes. That insanity.
I eventually shrugged it off.

It was the last day of the month and Halloween! We?d also broken up which was quite rubbish but I didn?t mind. I was at Lisa?s house with a couple of the other girls from college getting dressed and putting some last minute touches to her house. Her house was proper big when meant that it looked sick! It looked proper scary with green lights and everything. We went in!

?Is Steve coming?? I asked knowing full well this fool was coming.
?Is Eric coming?? she replied back.
?Ahh, shut up. Yes, Eric is coming and? What?s your problemo?? I asked.
?Nothing.? She said with a big grin on her face.
The girls laughed and eventually, so did I. She made me laugh.

An hour later, people started coming. I looked at the time and knew I was definitely staying at Lisa?s house. It had just hit 11 and it was just warming up. Eric wasn?t there yet and I got slightly anxious.

?Don?t worry he?s going to come. He rolls in late that?s all.? One girl called Tya said to me smiling.
?I weren?t even thinking about him? I lied.

We both knew I was laughing and burst out laughing. In my head however, I was getting pissed off because I?d dressed nice for him. I gave up and decided to have fun with others in the mean time.
I walked up to one guy who had been eyeing me for ages and we started dancing.
?I like the way you move.? He said holding on tight to my waist.
?Hmm? I replied and continued dancing.

That was when my heart stopped and I sighed.

?I?m tired.? I lied to him. He nodded let go and found someone else.
I almost laughed but my eyes were somewhere else. I bit my lower lip and tried so hard not smile.
I walked towards him and he walked out, knowing full well I was going to follow him. He walked upstairs and I said excuse me as I passed through bare people and continued to follow him.
Finally, he went into Lisa?s room and I followed.
?Lock the door.? he said softly. I don?t know why, but I did.

I then turned and looked at him. Wow. He was so peng. Wow. He was so beautiful and his lips! If I had his lips?

?You look nice? I said to him.
?Hmm, you look fucking sexy Jai. Wow. I don?t even know what to say.? He said.
?Why am I here?? I asked.

He walked towards me.

?I was bare on it to dance with you then I saw what you were wearing. Nah, I needed to be alone with you because all I wanna do is this??

He said before reaching for me taking my breath away with the most amazing memorable kiss I?d ever experienced.
?Eric?? I muttered against his lips.
?Hmmm.?
?I really like you and I don?t want you to hurt me.?
?I would never purposely do that.? He said.
?I know but, I don?t know, I?ve been through too much shit. All I want is a happy ending. And I want it with you.? I said honestly.
?Swear down??

I nodded.

?Jai?? he asked.
?Yeh??
?Will you go out with me, and before you say yes, I just want to tell you that I?m feeling you like, I?ve been around you all day last week and not once did you get to annoying me and that?s a first! I mean, rah, I see myself settling down with you. This aint some gas that I write for every girl. I genuinely feel something for you and I think that you and I could be something good.?

I looked at him and then down at my prostitute looking tights.

?You promise not to hurt me?? I asked.
?Pinky promise!? he said making me smile.

I nodded and we pinky promised on it.

He was now holding my waist whilst I stared into his contacts. KMT!

?You still aint said yes.? He said gently.
?Yes I will Eric Justin Opoku-Stephson?
?I feel geerrd.?

I burst out laughing.

?gerrrd??
?Yeh I feel good maynn.? He said and lifted me up.
?Nooo. I aint wearing no panties.? I said.
?Lemme check.?
?Noooo Eric.? I said attempting to pull myself off him.

He found out I wasn?t lying. And I ended up on someone?s bed having a bloody nice time!

After he?d washed his hands and I?d gotten my breath back, we went downstairs and I showed him how good of a dancer I was.
I went to get a drink and was drinking when someone bumped into me, making me nearly spill the drink on myself in the process. I was waiting for the sorry that never came so I turned to see who it was.

I should have known.

It was one of the FAGS. But it was the black one.

?You cant say sorry nah?? I asked.
?Nah, cuz you were in my way innih.? She said cutting her eyes at me.
?Say sorry innih, den everyting bless.?
?Noo, blaad, you bumped into me.?
?Don?t piss me off please, just say sorry? I said calmly but I was silently switching.

?No, blaaad who does this girl think she is!?? she shouted drawing attention to herself.
?Your not hot babes, face it! He?s only with you for what you?re giving him.? she said.

Wow, someone had given her some Brave vitamins to take cuz she was on laying it out.

?Ok then.? I said and walked out towards Michael. He was bunning.
?Lemme borrow your lighter please.? I begged.

He chuckled and chucked it at me and I laughed at him. Eric clocked me and walked towards me. I walked back into the kitchen to her talking to her other friends.

Believe I straight poured my drink in her hair and brightened her image with the lighter.

Her bredrins started screaming and l laughed.

?What?s going on?? she asked not noticing.
?Your hair! Symone your hair is on fire!? the white girl screamed.

Then everyone started screaming. Some boy pushed her head under the tap as she screamed. I couldn?t help laughing. It was actually jokes. I felt someone behind me. I turned around.
?Hi.? I said blissfully.
?Did you do that?? he asked.

I nodded.

?Wow.? He said in shock.
?You?re insane.? He said.

I laughed because I was.

?Rah, your nuts! I can?t believe it.? He said making me laugh. Why was everyone looking at me?

?Omydays Jai are you mad?? Lisa screeched.
?Sorry bubz, it had to be done.? I said laughing harder.

She looked so shocked.

?Eric?? I asked.
?Yea??
?I wanna go to your house? I want you in me.? I whispered in his ear.

I watched his face and laughed.

?I?m not joking.? I said seriously.

He nodded and I looked at the bitch again.

Hmm, I thought.
November actually didn?t look so gloomy. I was going to do my thing and get my revenge. Who did she think she was? I wasn?t finished with her. I was going to get each and every single of them back. I contemplated burning down her house and it didn?t seem like such a bad idea. That at that present moment in time, Eric was holding me in a good way!

?You slag! I cant believe it. You?re mad!? the mixed race girl shouted bare crying like something was wrong.
?Better shut up before I thump you up. Don?t fucking take me for a prick!? I shouted at her.

She shut up.

?That?s what I like to see.? I smiled. ?Respect.?

I looked at the clock. Midnight. Hello November.