Good afternoon, and welcome to the funeral of my dearest friend, Andy. Today I’d like to reflect on Andy’s short, but full life and highlight the lessons he taught me so that you may also live as Andy did.
Andy and I first met at the local pet store last Saturday afternoon, the store clerk was having a difficult time catching a one-eyed goldfish in his tiny net. So I asked him why he wanted that goldfish out so badly, and he said that this little pain in the ass has been scaring away customers so it’s time for him to go. I just couldn’t see why. All I saw was a lonely, helpless being that wanted to be cared for. So I took the net out of clerk’s hand and the little guy swam right into it. And just like that, the one-eyed goldfish that scared away customers, Andy, had swam into my heart. Shocked, and a little annoyed, the clerk allowed me to take Andy home with me.
It was love at first blub, and I instantly knew we had a special connection. From the time we met at 1:26 that Saturday afternoon to his untimely death at 4:07 Monday morning I literally counted every second we spent together. Almost everyone has had a pet goldfish some point in their life, and once it dies you just flush it down the toilet and forget it even existed. But this one: my best friend, Andy, meant much more to me than any other goldfish ever could. In the short 3 days 14 hours and 41 minutes we knew each other, Andy taught me so much, and once he died, a little piece of me died along with him. When people noticed Andy’s missing eye, they seemed to cringe at the sight of it, but Andy didn’t seem to care what the world viewed him as. No matter what people said, Andy would continue to swim around his bowl the same way, unaffected by the remarks. Andy taught me to live life to fullest and keep going no matter what other people think or say, and that there is nothing wrong with being a little different. Being different is what sets us apart from the crowd and make us all unique in our own way. Since Andy is a goldfish, in the 3 days 14 hours and 41 minutes I knew him, Andy had 61,920 individual five second memories. Some may see having a five second memory as only having five seconds to remember who I am, or even remember the inside of his own bowl. Or you can view it the same way I do. A five second memory is a chance to start over and create new, happy memories, new friends, and exciting new experiences every five seconds. In Andy’s short life, he had 61,920 new experiences and made 61,920 new friends. But with only five seconds to remember, comes 5 seconds to forget, and I’m willing to bet that every one of you wish that you could completely forget some of the things you’ve said or done within those five seconds. Hell, I wish I had a five second memory whenever I got caught passing gas in class, or when I had the name of my secret crush announced over the school’s PA system, or getting pantsed in front of the entire school in the 7th grade, but unfortunately I’m cursed with remembering every agonizing detail of those moments. Thanks to Andy, he taught me to learn, live, forget and move on. Now it’s time for all of us to live as Andy did: Learn all you possibly can, live your life to the fullest, forget that I gave a eulogy of a goldfish, and move on.
Thank you.