The Penis by Hanif Kureishi

Alfie was having breakfast with his wife at the kitchen table.
He couldn't have slept for more than three hours, having been out the previous night. He was a cutter - a hairdresser - and had to get to work. Once there, as well as having to endure the noise and queues of customers, he had to make conversation all day.
`Did you have a good time last night?' his wife asked.
They had got married a year ago in Las Vegas.
`I think so,' he said.
`Where did you go?' She was looking at him. `Don't you know?’
'I can't remember the early part of the evening. We all met in the pub. Then there was a club and a lot of people. Later there was a porn film.'
`Was it good?'
`It wasn't human. It was like a butcher's shop. After that ... it gets a little vague.'
His wife looked at him in surprise.
`That's never happened before. You always like to tell me what you've been doing. I hope it's not the start of something.'
`It's not,' said Alfie. `Wait a minute. I'll tell you what I did.'
He pulled his jacket from where he had left it, over the back of a chair.
He would examine his wallet and see how much money he had spent, whether he had any cocaine left, or if he had collected phone numbers, business cards or taxi receipts that might jog his memory. He was fumbling in his inside pocket when he found something strange.
He pulled it out.
`What's that?' his wife said. She came closer. `It's a penis,' she said. `You've come home with a man's penis - complete with balls and pubic hair - in your pocket. Where did you get it?'
`I don't know,' he said.
`You better tell me,' she said.
He put it down on the table.
`I don't make a habit of picking up stray penises.' He added, `It's not erect.'
`Suppose it does start to get hard? It's big enough as it is.'
She looked more closely. `Bigger than yours. Bigger than most I've seen.