The Practice of Phantom Eviction

Having an unwanted guest in the home is never an easy thing and something no one likes to deal with, especially when that guest is a soul stuck between the living and the dead. Recognizing the presence of a spirit, ghost, or phantom, in the home is usually hard for us to do. However, when we do come to terms with the fact that there is indeed a phantom lurking about in our home, preying on our fears, having a simple field guide to direct us is a must have, and I have provided here just such an effective tool to use along the journey of evicting any disembodied nuisance from the home. During phase one, what we need to remember is that most phantoms will not try to harm us, so being afraid and rushing to take drastic measures against the phantom is not the best initial approach. Often times, this will only make the phantom angry and cause him to become more unruly in the home. To easily rid the home of this entity, try taking a calm and passive approach. Don’t simply ask the phantom to leave because that would be too abrupt. Create a civil relationship with the phantom by respecting it’s presence even if it is not welcomed. Start by cooking something delicious every evening in your home, as if entertaining Martha Stewart. Who doesn’t love the aroma of a good pork tenderloin seasoned with salt, garlic, and sage, cooking in the oven?! Most phantoms will get the hint that they are not invited to this tasty dinner and excuse themselves from the home. Being passive and calm includes ignoring the phantoms’ attempts to make contact with us, or to scare us. If ignoring the phantoms’ efforts does not work, why not try being scared of the wrong things. For instance, if the cabinet door swings open and pots and pans fly out, try to stay calm and then focus on something else in the room. Run over to the refrigerator and exclaim that there is absolutely no garlic for the evening meal and begin to rant and rave over the catastrophe. If the phantom seems to insist on staying for a while in the home, then it is time for phase two: responsibility. Maybe the phantom is constantly moving things around to suit his preferences, or always leaving lights on and running up the energy bill. The first thing to do during phase two is to ask the phantom to do some chores to help out around the house. Give him a list of things that are expected from him each week and even talk with him about the rewards that come with being diligent to complete assigned tasks. Also, insist that the phantom share some of the bills for the household. Take charge and let him know that he is not living in a half-way house. If the phantom is lazy or irresponsible, this should scare him away quickly. Supposing the phantom was a family man in his previous life and takes an interest in his role as a functional family member, phase three works for almost all pesky phantoms. Play games with the phantom, and I don’t mean monopoly. A phantom is prideful and has a huge ego. They think that they can outsmart anyone with their ghoulish pranks, so give them a dose of their own medicine. First of all, try dressing up like a priest and performing holy rituals throughout the house. Make sure to pray a lot and carry a bell or two around like it’s Christmas. Have some fun while you’re at it by putting a little wine in a priestly chalice. If the phantom doesn’t buy into the masquerade, don’t be discouraged. This is where things really get exciting. Ask the phantom to have a squirt gun war but secretly fill up the squirt guns with Holy Water. He won’t know what hit him and before it’s all over there should be a Holy War going on inside the home. If all this seems a little too religious, then try a more personal approach with the phantom. Why not haunt it?! The first thing to do is plan to get lots of rest the day before the haunt. The following evening, climb into the bed at a normal hour and pretend to be sleeping soundly. Make sure to have a camera focused on the action spot and set to record. Next, dangle a foot over the edge of the bed as bait and wait for the phantom to latch on. When the phantom takes the bait and grabs a hold of the oh-so-tempting dangling foot and begins to pull your body slowly off the bed, jump up and scream BOO! It’s okay to laugh hysterically at the phantom as it floats back down the hall feeling dejected and ashamed. Just for kicks, make a copy of the tape and play it repeatedly on every television in the home as a reminder to the phantom of it’s failure. I know this seems cruel and drastic, but it works every time. No phantom can stand the shame of defeat. Having an unwanted guest is our home is something we don’t have to put up with and something we don‘t have to be afraid of! Remember to stay calm and civilized and this will help when trying to outsmart a phantom. By using these three phases any menacing phantom will be quickly tricked, scared, or shamed, into eviction from any home.