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Virginia Woolf

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Submitted By ellisjane
Words 566
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Вирджиния Вулф
Дневник писательницы
1940
Суббота, 31 августа
Шла война. Англию атаковали. Впервые ощущение этого пришло ко мне только вчера; ощущение тяжести бремени, опасности, страха. Ощущение, что длится бой - ожесточенный бой. Может быть, он продлится четыре недели.
Боюсь ли я? Время от времени. Наихудшее это то, что на утро мозг напрочь отказывается бодро и резво функционировать. Несомненно, сегодня начнется вторжение. Чувство тяжести, какого-то необъяснимого давления преобладает. Бесконечные истории местных жителей. Нет, прятаться от осознания того, что Англия вовлечена в войну глупо. Честно говоря, уж если я буду писать художественные произведения, и иногда о Колеридж, а не те злосчастные статейки о бомбардировках для США, то точно стану парусником, плывущим во время штиля.
Среда, 2 октября
Должна ли я любоваться закатом, нежели писать это?
Этой вспышкой красного пламени на синем полотне; чем-то вроде горящего стога сена, который отдает свое последнее тепло, перед тем как погрузиться в пучину. Позади меня, на деревьях так же пылают наливные яблоки. Л. * собирает их. В тот же час клубы дыма исходят от паровоза, идущего сквозь тоннель под Каберном. В воздухе воцарилась полная тишина. Но только до тех пор, пока в 8:30 не раздался резкий гул. Это самолеты, летящие к Лондону. Все же не будем, еще не время, еще час до этого. Коровы мирно себе пасутся.
Листочки вяза словно разбрасывает по небу. Наше грушевое дерево все покачивается со стороны в сторону, так же как и флюгер на верхушке трехгранной церковной башни.
Зачем пытаться снова перечислять все те вещи, от которых вскоре может ничего и не остаться. Нужно ли мне думать о смерти? Прошлой ночью за окном был слышен взрыв бомбы. Она взорвалась так близко, что мы оба вздрогнули. И вновь пролетел самолет, бросив на землю этот «фрукт». Мы вышли на террасу. Звезды сияли еле-еле, казалось, они и вовсе моросили светом. Повсюду тишь да гладь. Бомбы сбрасывали уже на Итворд
Хилл. Две из них, возле реки, помечены белыми деревянными крестами, лежали, все еще не взорвавшись. Я сказала Леонарду: «Я не хочу еще умирать». Но шансы были не на нашей стороне. Их цель – железная дорога и электростанция. Они приближались с каждой секундой. Все ближе и ближе. Мессершмитт, который был подбит в воскресенье, лежал на
Каберне, словно мотылек с распростертыми крыльями. Утром я нешуточно спешила, что бы закончить свое эссе про Сару Колеридж. Возможно, я даже заработаю за эти две статьи
20 фунтов. Ведь книги все еще в продаже. Спирас** свободны, и Марго*** пишет: «Я это сделала», - и добавляет: « Я написала длинное письмо о тебе и о том, во что ты веришь».
Во что же я верю? Так сразу и не вспомнишь. Ах да, я пыталась представить, как кто-то умирает от взрыва бомбы. И у меня это получилось даже почувствовать. Отчетливо и ясно. Это когда ты ничего не видишь, кроме удушающего небытия, которое следует за этим. А еще я непременно подумаю – эх, если бы у меня были другие 10 лет жизни – не эти – то я опять таки не смогла бы вам ее описать. Ее - имея в виду смерть; нет, не ту, что ассоциируется с хрустом, с разрывом, с дроблением всех костей, в тот момент, когда мозг все понимает, глаза видят, а ту, которая сравнима, разве что с затуханием свечи. Больно ли? Конечно. Ужасающе. Я думаю, что именно так. Потом потеря сознания, ужасная жажда, два-три вдоха, жалкие попытки привести себя в чувства – а дальше лишь безмолвное многоточие…
* Леонард Вулф
** Мела и Роберт Спирас
***Леди Оксфорд, Марго Асквит
Пер. с английского Ксении Донцовой

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