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As children around the world thank their mothers for all their love and care on Mother’s Day, Anu Gulmohar takes a look at people who are choosing to stay childfree… the sunday indian 46 17 may 2009

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childfree by choice woman. I, later, fell in love with a man who did not care if he had children and was inclined to remain childless because it gave him the freedom to travel and pursue a career in international sales and later take the financial risks required to be an entrepreneur.” Having done his bit of parenting rather early in his life as he helped raise his mentally-challenged younger brother, and with little hope of ever going to college because of not being economically sound, Fred (from Phoenix, Arizona) told me friends who have children.” The concept of being childfree might leave many Indians aghast and understandably, people childfree by choice here are not as vocal about their decision as in western countries. Childfree people around the world though have been seeking similar-minded people through social clubs and websites. No Kidding is a social group with chapters in countries like US, Spain, China and New Zealand. LT Ciaccio from No Kidding told TSI about its members, “Here in New York, there are people art, galleries and books, and try new kinds of foods like Ethiopian food, so it’s a lot of fun. They’re very accepting of all different kinds of religions and ideas. But outside of that, the childfree people are very different. Some are very conservative, some really like kids and are teachers; some try to have a more adult-centred life, there is a lot of variety within the people.” Every person has his own set of reasons for being childfree. Some like having time for themselves, others are glad of being able to concentrate on their careers. Says LT

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e want a baby just like that from you!” she said as she poked me in my ribs and pointed at a newborn’s picture. Not a fortnight had passed since my wedding and people were already thinking of names of my unborn children! After marriage, parenthood is assumed to be a logical progression, and many begin to attempt filling into the shoes of a parent without pausing to think whether the voice they hear urging them to have a child is really theirs or just the cacophony of in-laws and well-meaning friends. But worldwide, the trend is changing. Men and women have been choosing a childfree life, where they prefer being labelled childfree to childless because they’re childfree by choice and not incapable of conceiving a baby. And supporting their choice are surveys like the one conducted by University of Denver, which concluded that 90 per cent of couples experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction after the birth of their first child! Mother’s Day begs the question, whether you’re a mother because that’s what you really wanted… and to give that couple in their 30s at your workplace or neighbourhood with no child as yet, some breathing space… Laura S Scott, author of "Two is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice", which will be out in US in October, speaks of her personal experience, “I was in my mid-teens when I first articulated my desire to remain childless. I was born and raised in urban Canada and I graduated college at a time when women were being assimilated into the workplace. I could, and did, find financial autonomy and security as a single, childless

that he had foreseen a life of being stuck in a blue-collar job, and that he decided that he did not want any children when he was only 15. “I obtained a vasectomy just before my 22nd birthday. I am very proud of that choice!” says Fred. “Today, I am 43. I could not ask for a better life. I am a software developer. I have little debt. I have many stamps in my passport. I own a Rolex. I cannot say the same for my

Being childfree might leave many Indians aghast... people Ciaccio, “I like having a childfree by choice here lot of free time, I like being able to focus on are not as vocal about just my husband, and just on our relationship. their decision as in That’s the biggest benefit western countries for me. I really like the of different ages, of all differ ent ethnic backgrounds, they tend to be very open-minded people. People are open to going out, to see new kinds of freedom to choose what I want to do. Although I have never come across a person who has made the decision because of money, everyone seems to enjoy the money they save!” Closer home, P Srivastava

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childfree by choice ago. The main message to be inferred from the Gita is that our ultimate goal is to liberate the soul from mortal existence, from this world of suffering and strife. When you give birth, you’re actually doing the opposite – trapping a soul in a mortal body! I think it’s morally wrong to bring into People around someoneLife isthis world. a “gift” the world, especially that is forced on in our own country, someone full of suffering and ends will take time to get in death. Reading accustomed with the the works of thought that childfree likephilosophers Plato, Hume folks are not child and Schopenhauer further strengthened haters my conviction.” According to a survey done by Laura S Scott of childfree people in US and Canada, the most common reasons why people chose to remain childfree is because they love their life and their relationship just the way it is; and because they value their freedom and independence and were not up for taking on the responsibilities of raising a child. A common perception that people have about childfree people is that they are too selfish and selfcentred. “Tell me one thing that is selfless about wanting to have children,” retorts P Srivastava. “Is there any altruistic sentiment behind it? I feel none. Everything that causes one to procreate is selfish in nature. You want to create your own flesh and blood, you want someone to look after you, you want happiness for your family, you want happiness for yourself. Is not all this selfish?” People around the world, especially in our own country, will take time to get accustomed with the thought that childfree folks are not child haters and that there can be decent happy people without children. A shift in our thinking needs to happen. The question, “Why are you not having a child?” needs to change to, “Why are you having a child?” for a society with happier children and happier adults. Now that’s food for thought I’d say, for your folks and mine!

made up his mind to never father a child for a completely different reason. “I read the Bhagavad Gita when I was in college, around two decades

Motivations to have children: 10% 6% 12%
72%
Future Security Family, Societal preSSure DeSire to experience motherhooD/FatherhooD love oF chilDren

The reluctant parents
T
he results of an ICMR (Indian Council for Market Research) survey indicate that the new generation of urban Indians would scandalise the traditionalists who have spent their best years baking cakes and playing cricket with their kids! The verdict according to this survey, conducted in the nation’s four metros and Bengaluru, among people above the age of 18 and who have yet to begin their families, is that the average age they see themselves becoming parents is not 24 or 26 or 28… but 30! What’s more, people are beginning to feel that having children will curtail their freedom (73%), and also force them to lead an average lifestyle where they will automatically limit spending on themselves and more on giving the best to their kids (69%). An enormous amount of people chorus that raising children is no kid’s task but a full-time job (87%). And the icing on the cake is the revelation that 72% of the people stressed that the biggest motivator for having kids is not their desire to experience parenthood (12%), or the sheer love for children (10%), but the pressure applied by their society and families!! the sunday indian 50 17 may 2009

the sunday indian 51 17 may 2009