Free Essay

Coming to Terms

In:

Submitted By iluvshuuz
Words 911
Pages 4
Mom,
There are so many thoughts that swirl around in my head when it comes to our “relationship”. There are so many things that I would like to be able to say to you, but I know that we don’t have that open line of communication that it would take.
I have always longed for your love and affection- it’s what every child craves from their parents. And I don’t know why I expected it more from you than from dad. I guess it’s because he never fooled me into thinking that he cared about me- I knew early on that he didn’t care. He never told me he loved me, that he gave a shit. You did though, and I believed you.
A part of me feels like an idiot because I believed you. And what I REALLY struggle with is whether you do. Let me explain… you have told me that you love me (the times that we have spoken), but your actions don’t back it up. You never call me, we never hang out. Truth of the matter is, I don’t know anything about you and you don’t know anything about me.
I love you because you are my mother, but your absence from my life leaves a huge whole in my life. And for some twisted reason, I still long for that feeling of being loved by my mother. I mean, who doesn’t want to be loved by their parents?! And because I don’t have it, I feel bad about myself. Still. Even after all these years. And that’s why I feel like an idiot- any smart person would have given up long ago and resigned to the fact that they are getting what they want and/or need. (Definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.)
And that feeling is on me. I have to come to terms with the fact that our “relationship” isn’t what I need in terms of parental nurturing. Never has been, and I don’t know if it ever will be.
A part of me believes that you did the best you could, and you were the parent you knew how to be. I never asked you for what I needed from you in terms of loving me and giving me attention- I just thought that’s what parents were supposed to do.
Make big deals about certain aspects of a child’s life. Coming to sporting games, graduations, school events- and I realize that these things are in the past, and nothing can be done about them now. But these are the things that I have held on to and made me believe that you didn’t care. But in all honesty, it still happens today. There’s an absence that is still prevalent and shows no sign of being filled.
I’m letting you know that I’m letting go of it. I’m letting go of the feeling of having to be loved by you- I can’t keep holding on to it and not telling you because it obviously has no effect on you, and it’s damaging me. Or if it does affect you, I would have no idea because we don’t talk. And I’m letting go of the anger. Man, has there been A LOT of anger. The funny thing about the way I feel anger though, is that I start feeling angry, and then my anger turns into sadness, and that sadness turns into feeling bad about myself- I can’t keep feeling bad about myself. It’s killing me!
I have no idea how you feel about me. I would hope that you do love me in your own way. It’s just not the way that I need it to be.
In order for me to be healthy, I need to start asking for things that I need and want- I have to start believing that I deserve to be loved. Not because I do spectacular things, or achieve great things, but just because. Everyone deserves to be and feel loved. I have to come to the realization that that feeling may never come from you. I hope one day that it will. I have waited so long for it. But I have to stop waiting and move forward.
And I also realize that I obviously am not fulfilling the same need for you. I suppose if I were, you would want to be in my life. There is something lacking for both of us, and because it’s not being talked about, it’s not getting resolved.
Perhaps we both gave up caring, perhaps we both felt wronged in some way and didn’t think it was worth the effort to fix it, perhaps we are ill-prepared to do so. God knows I have issues that I have NO IDEA how to even begin to fix- I get exhausted just thinking about what it would take to fix everything that is wrong with me!
Regardless, everything that has led up until here has shaped me into the person I am, and I know that I am not an incredibly horrible person. I do have some redeemable qualities and I realize that what you have done to me and for me has some bearing on that. I am grateful for the lessons you have taught me. I will take the good parts forward with me, and I will try really, really hard to let go of the bad parts.

Similar Documents

Free Essay

Coming to Terms with Perfection

...Coming to Terms with Perfection: The Case of Terri Schiavo. By: Hyde, Michael J.; McSpiritt, Sarah. Quarterly Journal of Speech, May2007, Vol. 93 Issue 2, p150-178, 29p; Abstract: Our project is intended to supplement and extend research that emphasizes how the rhetoric informing the euthanasia debate admits a call of conscience and how this call would have us act heroically as we acknowledge what is arguably some particular truth that is at work in the debate (e.g., only God has the right to take a life). The relationship between conscience, acknowledgment, heroism, truth and rhetoric, we submit, presupposes the workings of our metaphysical desire for perfection - a desire that is definitely on hand when debating issues of the "good life" and the "good death." The relationship constitutes a rhetoric of perfection that plays an essential role in the euthanasia debate as a whole. Such a rhetoric lies at the heart of the recent and much publicized case of Terri Schiavo - a young woman who lived in a persistent vegetative state for 15 years before she was allowed to die the "dignified" death that she supposedly wanted all along. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]; DOI: 10.1080/00335630701426777; (AN 25508611) Persistent link to this record (Permalink): http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=ufh&AN=25508611&site=ehost-live Cut and Paste: <A href="http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=ufh&AN=25508611&site=ehost-live">Coming to Terms...

Words: 267 - Pages: 2

Premium Essay

Love

...View online | Add Investopedia to safe senders list May 27, 2013 Dictionary Investing Markets Personal Finance Active Trading Forex Professionals Tutorials Bag Holder An informal investment term used to describe an investor who holds a position in a stock which decreases in value until it is worthless. Typically, the bag holder will hold the position for an extended period of time in which most of the investment is lost. Investopedia Says: ymbolically, the investor is left holding a bag full of worthless material, representing worthless stock. The bag holder... Learn More Share: A Look At Exit Strategies Traders need to understand what exits are available to them and know how to create an exit strategy that will help minimize... Share: Tips For When To Buy, Sell Or Hold In this article, we'll point to key information that will help you make good decisions under pressure... Share: Top 4 Most Scandalous Insider Trading Debacles In this article, we will look at some landmark incidents of insider trading... Share: The Art Of Selling A Losing Position Let's take a look at why selling is important and then talk about a selling strategy that works for any type of investor.... Share: To Sell Or Not To Sell In this article...

Words: 781 - Pages: 4

Premium Essay

Speedsheet

...activity, control and management of a business. Recording transactions involves the recording of finical transactions, weather the recording is a prediction or actual records this will help the owner or manager of the organisation see what money is coming in and out of the business and will help them plan for future, it also helps allows the business owner to see if the business is a success or failing if failing the owner can make changes to make the business more success and earn more money. Recording transactions also helps the business if they are paying bills or owed money they can recognise bills or payments to them haven’t been paid and they can chase them up. If payments are not paid the business can get into trouble with the HMRC (Human Management Revenue and Customs) Monitoring accounting within an organisation will be updated on a regular basis, doing this will provide a clear indication of how the business is doing on terms of sales, receiving payments and paying out payments. Monitoring activity should involve keeping an eye on the bank balance to ensure there are sufficient funds to meet day to day expenses. The owner of the organisations would notice if the money going out of the bank was more than the sales coming through to the business this would make the owner make changes to his business. To be able to have control would happen through recording transactions and monitoring accounting if they are done properly and the organisation continue to have the correct...

Words: 613 - Pages: 3

Premium Essay

Being Gay: Coming Out in the 21st Century

...Being Gay: Coming Out In The 21st Century People come from shame to pride, which is a long process. In the 1940’s the military says that you are not criminals, you are just ill. As the wars ended, and they were getting rid of military men, they started weeding out the gays. Their rights were taken away, and they were not allowed back into the military. No one ever spoke the words “gay” or “lesbian”. In 1969 stonewall took place and police showed up at the bars where the gays hung out. Typically no one fought back, however, this time they did. They say stonewall was their coming out. Activism never stopped from that point on. In 1973 the American Psychiatry removed homosexuality as a mental disorder. Then 1980 came and AIDS began spreading, and at that time there was 1.5 million people that had been diagnosed. In 1990 gay parades were going on, celebrities began coming out to the public. Even though today homosexuals are more accepted, there are still many homophobes and bigotry. Some say they get rocks thrown at them and get called names such as “fag”. Rev. Dr. Penny Nixon says that she won’t hold her girlfriends hand in public for fear that she will get beat up. There are some people who will even kill gays/lesbians when they see them. Matthew Shepherd was tied to a fence and beaten and left to die because he was gay. Research now shows that being homosexual is not an illness, not a choice, and no abnormal. Early on, “gay” meant happy, and now it is used primarily...

Words: 897 - Pages: 4

Premium Essay

English Advanced Module B - Yeats

...interpretation of Yeats’ ‘The Second Coming’ and at least one other poem align with this view? In your response, make detailed reference to ‘The Second Coming’ and at least ONE other poem set for study. Note to students: This question requires you to write about ‘The Second Coming’. Students are reminded that they are required to fully prepare all poems set for study in any elective, as the examiners can be very specific and name one or more poems that must be addressed in the answer. Sample response: Poetry Prescribed text: WB Yeats: Poems Selected by Seamus Heaney Introduction outlines the common aspects of both poems while responding to the question | Yeats had a distinctive world view that is evident in much of his poetry and explored through recurring imagery and motifs, as well as through language and ideas specific to individual poems. His views about civilization and change are expressed in ‘Leda and the Swan’ and ‘The Second Coming’ which, taken together, explore the beginning and the end of Western history in Yeats’ terms. Both poems look at the supernatural influence on human affairs, at a tipping point between stability and change. They consider human helplessness in the face of blind destiny, but also examine human acquiescence in the march of history. While they share features of language and structure, they also present ideas in ways particular to each poem. | Yeats’ world view briefly addressed in terms relevant to the poems and the questionDiscussion...

Words: 1362 - Pages: 6

Free Essay

Computer

...real answers. | Abdul Rahim said: (Thu, Mar 6, 2014 08:50:16 PM)   | |   | Good morning to all, It's my pleasure to introduce my self in front of you. I am very thanks full to you for giving this opportunity. I am Abdul Rahim, basically I am from Ongole Dist of Andhrapradesh. I Have completed my M.Sc in microbiology from acharya nagarjuna university. We are 7 members in my family including to me. My father was expired my mother is house wife. My hobbies are listening to music and reading books. My strengths are: 1. Hard working. 2. Good team player. 3. Learn very quickly. My weaknesses are: 1. I never leave my work unless and until it should be finish. My short term goal is to pass this interview and start a good career. And my long term goal is to be a successful personality in my field and the society as well. Once again thank you Sir/ madam. | No comments yet  |  Your comments please ...  |   +112   -40 | Mather Singh Bisht said: (Thu, Mar 6, 2014 04:10:51 PM)   | |   | Very good afternoon ma'am/sir. Its my pleasure to introduce front of you. My name is MahendraSingh Bisht I am 21 year old I live in nainital. My qualification I have completed my 10 & 12 passed from gic dhanachuli nainital and pursuing bcom 2nd year from kumaun university...

Words: 8812 - Pages: 36

Free Essay

Me Myself and the World

...the trailers for the movies ‘John Tucker Must Die’ & ‘Mean Girls’ An analysis in terms of generic conventions in the trailers for the movies “John Tucker must die” and “Mean Girls”. Genre is defined as ‘A large category of stories united by their particular settings, characters, themes and narrative conflicts’ (Worland 2007, pg15). This assignment will look at the generic conventions a coming of age/ teen film (what we expect to see), aspects such as typical situations, stock characters, style, icons and setting. In terms of themes in coming of age (teen films) (subjects that are dealt with within the text) they tend to focus around, first love, rebellion, and conflict with parents, teen angst or alienation. In terms of what we would typically see within the genre ‘teen/coming of age’ film it is in the interest of the target audience and making the plot relatable and focus on their interests. The first trailer to be analysed is “Mean Girls”, a teen movie released in 2004. The style of “Mean Girls” is glossy, the use of high key lighting creates an expensive look and the contrast of high/bright colours makes the film more vivid and eye catching the use of the bright colours encourages a cheerful and young audience. In the first shot we see ‘Kady Heron’ in class she looks bland and has no character and is introduced as the new ‘student’ which is typical for the plot of a teen (coming of age movie) and the non-diegetic sound tracking playing in the back background gives...

Words: 1204 - Pages: 5

Premium Essay

Cash Flow Methods Acc230 Essay

...statement that shows the sources and all of the uses of cash for an accounting period.” (Kemp & Waybright, 2013; 2010, p. 586) The statement of cash flows is also called the cash flow statement. Cash is the most important life line of a business. Without cash, the business cannot successfully maintain stability. Furthermore, without knowing where the cash is coming from, and going to, investors are more likely to not be attracted to the business. Businesses are much like people, in the sense that they are constantly worried about cash flow. They need a statement to explain to them where the cash is going, where it is coming from, and where they started to where they have come in the period. This is the statement of cash flows. The statement of cash flows categorizes the uses and sources of cash into three categories, operating activities, financing activities, and investing activities. The first category is operating activities. Operating activities are a part of the uses of cash, as well as, the sources of cash in a business. Uses of cash for a business are obviously how the business uses the cash, or in more basic terms how it spends its money (cash out). The sources of cash are respectively, the places the business gets its money (cash in). Operating cash flows, using the indirect method, includes net income, depreciation, depletion, and amortization expenses, gains and losses on the sale of assets, and changes in the current assets and the current liabilities. The operating...

Words: 866 - Pages: 4

Premium Essay

Pm Issues

...Infrastructure ………………………………..…… 9 4. CONCLUSIONS …………………………………………………………… 9 REFERENCES …………………………………………………………………………… 10 SUMMARY The demand for LNG has grown globally in the recent times and it has grown even more rapidly in the Asia Pacific region where many countries rely solely on imports for all of their gas needs. Gas now accounts for more than a quarter of world’s primary energy consumption. With an increasing emphasis on the environmental issues and the need for cleaner energy, the LNG market is expected to expand at even higher rate in the coming years. This increased demand will put a lot of pressure on the suppliers to explore new fields for development and to enhance their existing production capabilities so as to retain their market share. The purpose of this short essay is to assess the LNG market trends and future outlook in the Asia Pacific region. Also discussed are the efforts being made in terms of infrastructure development (production and storage facilities) in LNG industry. 1. INTRODUCTION The world LNG trade consists of two major markets – The Asia Pacific market and the Atlantic market. The Asia Pacific market consists of buyers from Japan, Korea, Taipei, India, China,...

Words: 2489 - Pages: 10

Premium Essay

Strategies and Skills

...Running Head: STRATEGIES AND SKILLS Strategies and Skills AIU MGMT436 Unit 3 Assignment Abstract A financial crisis has hit our company and reorganization is needed. This paper will apply process skills the executive should use, and the change strategies in the long- and short-term. It will also evaluate and present the impacts of the resources. Strategies and Skills Organizational development is a process that is used within a company that is in need of change. This process has many different steps or phases it goes through in order to obtain the outcome the company hopes for. In some cases the process will end in needing another intervention but in others the process will end satisfactory. This process truly only ends when the desired level of development is obtained (The Organizational Development, 2012). This process is meant to make an important change in a company want to come out the other end of the change better off than they were before. The organizational development process will begin when there is an organization that recognizes that there is a problem within the company that will impact their mission or health of their organization. Some organizations do not wait until they see a problem to start the organizational development process. They may begin the change when the leadership has a vision for the improvement of the organization. The organization will desire a change to make their business better. The decision to change is followed by...

Words: 1337 - Pages: 6

Premium Essay

Starbucks Towards National Culture

...therefore (e) is to be taught to new members as the (f) correct way to perceive, think, and feel in relation to chosen problems’.(Schein, 1990, 111). So by this all theory will be discuss about the theory in the organization or the company I had been choose to study how much this theory will be applied toward the organization or the company. The company that I had been choose is Starbuck company that selling the drink and beverage toward people. The other reason I choose Starbucks is because it has worldwide branch including Malaysia. So that it must adapt it certain culture in the nation in order to survive. Starbucks also including the best company in the world that because of it successes to expand the company to the whole worldwide. In term of management Starbucks also has the best management in the world. According to the Fortune.com Starbucks get a ranking no 5 world for the most admired company so far. By this I will related the Schein’s theory toward this company and how it functioning. 2.0 Problem statement 2.1 What are the basic assumptions within the organization? a. Basic assumption is based or the root of the company or organization grows up value until they becomes taken for granted and drop out of awareness. This basic assumption including mission, vision, value and leadership of the company. It also contain the culture of the company itself. Basic assumption is the based or the root of the company. Every country had very different of the...

Words: 2009 - Pages: 9

Premium Essay

Trade

...'Terms of Trade - TOT' The value of a country's exports relative to that of its imports. It is calculated by dividing the value of exports by the value of imports, then multiplying the result by 100. If a country's terms of trade (TOT) is less than 100%, there is more capital going out (to buy imports) than there is coming in. A result greater than 100% means the country is accumulating capital (more money is coming in from exports). Using the terms of trade to determine the health of a country's economy can draw the wrong conclusions. It is important to know why exports increase relative to imports, especially since the terms of trade are directly impacted by changes in export and import prices. Terms of trade measurement is often recorded in an index for economic monitoring. If a country's terms of trade improve, it means that for every unit of exports sold it can buy more units of imported goods. So potentially, a rise in the terms of trade creates a benefit in terms of how many goods need to be exported to buy a given amount of imports. It can also have a beneficial effect on domestic cost-push inflation as an improvement indicates falling import prices relative to export prices. However, countries may suffer in terms of falling export volumes and a worsening balance of payments. The UK's terms of trade have generally improved over the last 20 years, indicating that exports price have has been rising relative to import prices. This is partly caused by the fact that globalisation has...

Words: 406 - Pages: 2

Premium Essay

Current Issue in Life-Span Development

...Current Issue in Life-Span Development In the field of life-span development, current issues are plentiful. The development of homosexuality and the phase’s a person goes through to reach a place where they are comfortable with themselves is a journey in itself. It was in 1892 that the term homosexuality was first used. A homosexual (2011), according to Merriam Webster Online, “of or having sexual desire for those of the same sex.” In order to understand the development of identity of homosexuals, it is first important to be mindful of the framework of sexuality in general. The term homosexuality is used to depict the comprehension of sexuality however; in today’s society; the preferred verbiage to define individuals is being gay or lesbian. Homosexuality and Life-span Development Sullivan and Schneider (1987) argue that homosexual coming out in youth has to be seen from a non-derogatory developmental perspective. In an attempt to react to the unique pressures found in adolescents showing an increasing gay or lesbian identity, psychologists and counselors must become familiar with the distinctive development of gay and lesbian adolescents, in addition to the sexual identity development literature in general. Reviewing the developmental issues of gay and lesbian adolescents creates thoughts concerning developing services to assist them. Often times, adults are hesitant to pay attention to adolescent communications concerning sexuality. These feelings begin to arise during...

Words: 1176 - Pages: 5

Premium Essay

Consumer

...decrease in the future. T-bill is a short term security with maturity at less than 1 year. So the supply of T-bills will decrease as people would want to buy more long term securities with the intuition that the interest rate will fall in the future and everyone would want their money to be blocked at a long term security which would give more interest. Interest Rate Interest Rate Year Year 2005 2005 2009 2009 Figure: Yield Curve In 2005 and 2006, the inflation rate averaged 3.3%. It is expected that the inflation rate will fall to 2.5% in 2007 and to fall further to 2% in both 2008 and 2009. Since the inflation rate is interpreted to decrease in the future, the interest rate of the securities will be expected to decrease accordingly in the coming years since inflation and interest has a direct relationship among them. The supply of short term securities will decrease and long term securities will increase as people will be looking forward to spending less in the future when the interest rate will fall. Everyone would want to commit more at the moment and buy long term securities. Likewise, the demand for short term loans will go up and for long term loans will go down as people will want to take more loans in the future when the interest rate will be decreasing as forecasted. An equation that represents the liquidity premium theory of the term-structure of...

Words: 460 - Pages: 2

Premium Essay

Why Do LGBT Children Come Out?

...source of great love and support, and the hardships of coming out as a part of the LGBT community can either strain or strengthen this relationship. The LGBT community consists of non-heterosexual individuals who experience some level of same-sex attraction, along with transgender individuals who identify with a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth (Broad 400). In this paper, I will attempt to describe the ideal and reality of parental love, and explore how this love changes when an LGBT child comes out. Then, I will explore the impact of race and ethnicity, and the specific identity of the child on parental love. I will be using Sternberg’s triangular theory of love...

Words: 1684 - Pages: 7