When I look at a picture of myself, I realize how much I've grown and changed, not only physically, but also mentally in the last couple of years. A few months after this picture was taken, I had left to live in California.

We received one last call from the hospital. When I enter the hospital room where my mom laid in a coma since a major heart attack, my eyes wander to the blood on her face. Just 2-weeks prior I had left to to live in San Diego and we had made Thanksgiving plans. She suffered from liver cirrhosis , which led her to being hospitalized. When I saw her laying in bed, she looked so peaceful as if she were asleep, it's hard not to dwell on the "what ifs": what if I had not moved? What if there had been a liver transplant? What if I had the chance to say goodbye? I can not pretend that I have been able to develop enough distance from her death to draw conclusion about life, but I have already started to see myself in very different terms.

Ironically, through the loss of my mom it has given me a chance to face reality head-on. Before her death, my relationship with my mom was warm but fraught with tension. She never seemed to be satisfied with what I did and she reprimanded me for every wrong step I took. She was a very strong opinionated woman. She didn't like me going out with my friends, so I often ended up staying at home--I was never allowed to sleep over at my friends homes. All I remember from my teenage years is going to school and coming back home. I was confused by my moms' overprotective attitude, because she wanted me to be independent yet never actually gave me a chance to be independent.

In terms of career, my mom often lectured me about which ones were acceptable and which were not. She worried incessantly about whether I would ever go to college, and often made me think that i would not finish my education. Instead of standing up for my self, I simply assumed that if I kept it up, she would no longer be disappointed in me. Although I tried hard, I never seemed to get it quite right; she always found a fault. As if that wasn't enough, she would compare me to my older brother, asking me why I couldn't be more like him. I have to admit that at times I even questioned whether my mom really loved me. After all, she never expressed admiration for what I did, and my attempts to impress her were always in vain.

In retrospect, I don't think I fully understood what she was trying to tell me. These days, when I come home, I can't get myself to visit my dad, it strikes me just how dependent he was on my mom's care and support. Now that she is gone I see that I must develop the strength to stand alone. And, for the very first time, I now realize that this is exactly what my mom was trying to make me see.
I understand that she had a big heart, even though she didn't always let it show; she was trying to steer me in the right direction, emphasizing the need to develop independence and personal strength. She was trying to help me see the world with my own eyes, to my make my own judgements and decide for myself what I would eventually become.

When my mom was still with us, I took all of her advice the wrong way. I should not have worried so much about living up to my moms' expectations; her only expectation of me, after all, is that I be myself.

The classroom has become a whole different realm for me.

In mapping out my path to achieving my independence, I know that education will allow me to build on the foundations which my parents have provided me. My academic interests are no longer broad, I am now sure of what direction I should take. I am now excited at the prospect of exploring further into HealthCare and keep my focus on that particular area of study.

Strangely, dealing with my mother's death has made me believe that I can tackle just about any challenge. Most importantly, I am more enthusiastic about my education than ever before. In embarking on my college career, I will be carrying with me my mother's last gift and greatest legacy: a new desire to live in the present and the confidence to handle whatever the future might bring.

Attending CSU Global will help me obtain my career goals as well as carrying the legacy to others that I may come across in my life.