December 25th.2012: 2:00pm (forgot exact time ==) Perhaps my very writing of this journal is indeed insignificant or pathetic, but I’ve decided after all this time to begin writing something meaningful. Of course, the whole objective of this self-reflection is to simply reinforce my own feelings regarding some of the experiences in this past. Most importantly, there will not be any editing for spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes, for I want this journal to be a continuously flowing train of thoughts, or stream of consciousness as they call it in IB English, not some SAT writing or contents full of bullshit. This journal, although written on the day of Christmas, serves no particularly meaningful celebration of a particular event, and is simply inspired by a moment of epiphany upon reading the novel “The Wars” by Timothy Findley. Like I’ve said before, it is but a truthful reflection and self discovery that serve to preserve a state of experience or emotions in my infinitivally miniscule cycle of life that seemed nonetheless to be quite meaningless. Truth be told, I could probably continue writing like this for hours, if not days. (Days was an exaggeration by the way, for I will probably be playing a round of league of legends before then, and did I say I just lost a ranked game this morning too?...) But it’s quite strange, normally I’d be angry at the fact that I’ve lost a game that dropped my elo by 37, but really, does it even matter at all? To some extent, I have to agree that I was feeling exceptionally existential this morning. Although I know very well that suicide itself is probably something I should not engage with, I think that the recent experiences have enlightened me to another degree, though the result associates with some level of self depression. Of course, it’s not like I’m some grand magician in a fantasy land or even the CEO of a corporation or anything like that, so it’s completely understandable that no one really cares about me fundamentally, and I’m perfectly fine with that. As of now, the only thing that I really care about are the purchase of a laptop for next year, my university application for U.S. (a truly painful experience in my life), and most importantly, what the heck I want to do with my life? To be honest, I don’t think I’m the type of the person to try my ass off in hopes of becoming the “strongest” person in history, but it’s not like I don’t care about my social status either, as suggested by my father’s lectures. To some extent, I really believe that my whole notion of self discovering rests in multiple personas, and I believe that I am someone who can accomplish anything if I set my mind to it; that is, if I can set my mind to it. Honestly, I think I’m tackling with a rather extremely difficult question. After all, what do I want? Throughout my life, I’ve actually never thought about it that way. Sure, I want a life with a private plane with a private island or some huge ass real estate empire like Donald Trump, but really, is that what I truly wish to pursue? Or just fake illusion or standardized desire driven by the media and social expectations that bound us together? (I’m sounding rather TOK today but for some reason I can’t get my TOK essays together at all sigh.) Regardless, I think it’s really about time that I begin recording and reflecting my inner thoughts and to start becoming a rather mature man instead of thinking like a young and innocent boy. My inner emotions are truly so difficult to measure, even for myself. To a certain extent, I understand all the unfairness in this world, of the countless violence and betrayal hidden the depth of human nature, but I can never demonstrate my understanding of it somehow. Could it truly be the resultants of over reliance on gaming? Perhaps. But there is not absolute way of confirming it. Life is unfair; it has always been unfair. I understand deep inside that there are many people out there who are in much worse financial shape than me, ones who have even lost their families (though I’m quite embarrassed to admit that I find the lost of your loved ones a rather minor issue as of the moment – emotion is not my forte.) Regardless, my father sometimes claim me that I’m very emotional, to which I firmly believe no, but at the same time it gives me a very dedicated reflection of my own emotion. In short, all the lectures and applications and assignments from IB recently has really frustrated me beyond any comparison to those of the past, but I guess it served as a meaningful way to expand my view and to increase my knowledge. Well, with that being said, I’m going to take a break now…

December 25th.2012: (3:16pm) Okay I’m back. After another defeat in league of legends, this time as the result of 999 pings internet, I have to say that I’m not necessarily in the best mood. Nevertheless, I will continue to finish this journal just because well, I said so… So beginning with the things that really matter and coming back to the realization of the materialistic side of the world, I have to say that… money is important? Unfortunately, that was just a random excuse for my brain failure, similar to how the internet crashed on me 30minutes ago… Honestly, I’m not in the best condition to explain or discover my inner ability and thoughts at the moment, nor in the best shape to communicate my point across. For that reason, you are fired/I’m out; okay, that was a joke. What I really meant to say it, I will do another journal log later… Oh, and if you are reading this as of the moment and your name is not Eric Zekai Zheng, then shame on you for peeking on the diary of and invading the privacy of another individual.

February 16th.2013: (5:30pm) Dad has already left for China a month ago. Anyways, I didn’t get my laptop during Christmas but at the same time I had the opportunity to take a break after the intense and stupid SAT. Other than a few upcoming IB exams, such as IOC/IOD and Mandarin written exam, there isn’t really that much work to do left, except for maybe studying for the final IB exams in May. Well, I just got to platinum III on league of legends so that’s quite an accomplishment for today. That’s all I’m going to talk about today. I’m not really in a mood for a long ass journal lol! (I will be reading “Crime and Punishment” later…seems interesting)

March 16th. 2013: (6:39pm) Well, after playing and preparing for the league of legends tournament that’s about to take place tomorrow, I find myself typing this simple message as a celebration of my 18th birthday (Technically I’m still 17 but that’s because of time zone differences). Regardless, under my mom’s pressure, I’ve decided to write a letter that’s going to reflect my own interpretation and understanding of the current society. Of course, I could continue to bullshit and waste my own time but since there’s no point in deluding my future self, I shall refrain from doing so:

Dear Eric Zekai Zheng: How long has it been? I wonder. Truthfully speaking I don’t really know, as I possess no clue as to when you, the future me, is reading this particular letter. Regardless of whoever you are as of the moment, whether successful or incompetent, I want to tell you a bit about my past, a bit about who you were as an 18 years-old teenager. To be honest, the current I feel rather pathetic because of the lack of try-hardness. From time to time, I have always attempted to exceed the expectation of others, yet not putting in the effort to fully demonstrate that. Hence, I’ve slowly developed a habit of self-packaging as well as a pessimistic attitude towards human nature and life. Now, I don’t know how happy the current me is, nor do I know if my own character has changed over time, but regardless of the circumstances, I want the future me to know that I must continue to walk forward, not for anyone else in particular, but for myself, because you and I both know that I am ambitious in the very core of my soul.

Now then, after skipping the formality, I would like to talk a bit about my own understanding of the world. Currently, in the year of 2013, there are so much in which I cannot express, partly because I’m too lazy to type out all the results, but more so because it’s so difficult to describe in words, the amount of materials I have discovered and obtained through dark manga, real life observations, and perhaps ultimately, influences from friends. Clearly, I am bullshitting to myself as of the moment, I don’t know if this is something the future me will frown upon, but it’s important to let you know that I, the past you, was a person who continued to strive to reach the top. Also, treasure yourself above all else!

*side note: god damn we didn’t get the headset for the tournament, but we did get 2nd place for the gaming mouse….

June 10th. 2013: (4:49pm)

Good-afternoon-my-future-self.-Anyways,-today-I-have-come-with-the-intention-to-share-two-particular-interesting-things-with-you.-First-of-all,-if-you-have-not-noticed-yet,-my-current-keyboard’s-spacebar-is-broken.-Now,-you-may-not-remember-the-reason-why,-but-the-truth-is-that-your-excellent-father-has-accidentally-used-hairdryer-on-the-keyboard-for-10minutes,-completely-burning-and-destroying-the-spacebar-circuits-as-a-result. Oh,-to-further-on-express-my-anger/sadness,-I’ve-failed-my-N-road-test-today,-which-is-really-stupid-consider-I-only-made-one-mistake-at-the-carpool.-Regardless,-a-mistake-is-a-mistake.-Hence,-I-must-correct-my-mistake-and-move-on.While-it-sounds-as-if-I-am-optimistic,-I-am-in-fact-very-depressed,-not-just-because-of-the-failure-of-this-test,-but-the-fact-that-my-poor-performance-could-have-been-easily-avoided-and-the-fact-that-I-too-have-failed-at-numerous-locations-in-other-places.-Nevertheless,-it-can-only-be-concluded-that-as-an-individual…..