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Innocence Lost

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Innocence Lost
Shena Shepard
English 111
Jennifer Fielder

Shena Shepard
English 111
Jennifer Fielder
June 8, 2011
Innocence Lost
As I lay battered, bruised, and beaten I opened my eyes and looked toward the sky and asked the Lord “Why me? Why did you let that man take my innocence from me”? As I slowly try to get myself together I kept thinking to myself am I going to make it, will this affect my family, and will I change? Who would do this to a fourteen year old girl, I thought to myself, still lying in the ditch trying to wrap my mind around the situation. Then that’s when I told myself, “Shena, you have to get up and you have to muster up enough strength to run and run until you can find help.” I slowly tried to get up; however, every time I did I felt pain from every angle of my body. This only reminded me of the horrible things that just happened to me.
I keep replaying this incident in my mind, him pushing me from behind as I was walking my bike down the steep hill. He then drugged me into the ditch behind the school, near the playground. I could hear myself scuffling, screaming and pleading for help, while he is telling me, “to shut up or I will kill you.” At that point I felt like I had to fight for my life. Therefore, I fought hard slapping him, punching him, kicking him, and biting him. I did everything I could to get him to stop and to leave me alone, but nothing worked. The next thing I knew, I felt pain between my legs from him pushing deeper inside of me and that is when I realized I was being violated. I fought some more trying my best to break free, but all this did was make him mad and it just got worse. I could feel nothing but pain from this point on. I felt pain through my whole body. From every hit, push, and thrust I could smell nothing but his sweat and my blood. I started to cry, thinking if I cried harder he would feel sorry and stop hurting me, but he did not stop at all. Instead he just kept on pushing inside me, licking me, sucking on me, and kissing on me like this was going to make me enjoy what he was doing to me, but it didn’t it only made me feel sick and violated and I could not wait until it was over. Once he finished he whispered in my ear “now, don’t tell anybody because if you do I will come and do it all over again and this time I won’t let you live.”
I waited for awhile before I got up. I honestly thought I was going to die from the pain and the shame I felt blaming myself for everything that just happened. When I finally got the strength to walk, I was in a daze I did not know whether I should go home or run away because I did not want anybody to know what happened for the fear that he would come back and violate me again and kill me after he was done. I walked faster and faster not caring how much I hurt. I did not care about anything but getting home and showering to erase the guilt, the shame, and the humiliation I felt.
Once I reached home I felt something come over me. It felt like courage, so I said to myself, “you must tell, because if you don’t he wins and you will die a little inside each day… you are a strong girl and you will make it through this even if it takes the rest of your life, so be that strong female you are and tell somebody.” From that point on I knew that I was not going to die, that I was going to make it through the storm because I was strong and I knew my family would be on my side. When I walked inside the house, I could feel everybody’s eyes on me and I could feel their minds racing a mile a minute wanting to know what happened. I looked my mother in the eyes and said “I need to go to the hospital something terrible happened and I need to see the doctor.” She kept asking, “Shena what is wrong? Please tell mama what happened.” I tried and tried but nothing came out but “I need to see a doctor.” My mother and my uncle were pacing the floor trying to wrap their heads around what happened to me. Finally, I broke down and told them I was raped and the tears started to fall from my eyes. I begged them not to make me tell them what happened. I just wanted them to get me to the doctor so I could know that everything is okay with me because right then I did not feel like I was going to make it. With that said my mother rushed me to hospital and kept telling me that everything is going to be okay. As I entered the emergency room doors I could feel everyone staring at me. My mother went to the desk and told the nurse, “my daughter has just been raped, and she really needs to see the doctor.” Sitting in the waiting room, I could feel the stares, and hear the whispers from others, along with my mother’s faint cries. Finally, I was sent back to the examining room where I felt even more violated. All of these nurses and the detectives were asking me all types of questions. Questions I was not prepared to answer; however, I kept telling myself, “You need to do this, so they can find the person who did this to you.” The next part of my examination was the hardest for me having to take my clothes off piece by piece and place them in a bag for evidence. Then I had to let them take snap shots of my body from every angle. I tried to block this from my mind, but I just heard the click of the camera, the snap from the picture being taking, and the voice of the nurse telling me to turn this way and turn that way. I wanted my mother. I needed my mother because I was not going to get through the rest of the examination without her. The doctor asked me to sit on the bed and take deep breaths I knew at that moment the doctor was going to touch me in the same place that man did, and I was freaking out. I turned to my mother and she gave me a look, a look of encouragement as she gave me her hand I knew I was going to get through this with her by my side. At that moment we grew closer and stronger than ever before. I knew right then and there my mother was going to be there through thick and thin and I loved her more for being by my side. I took this negative situation and turned into a positive. I did not let my rapist get the best of me I became that strong female, and grew from my situation. It takes a strong person to deal with such a traumatic experience but it even takes a stronger person to put the pieces of her young life back together. I made it through the storm. I did not let my rape kill me, my personality, or take my family from me. Without them I wouldn’t have made it this far. Shena a brilliant young female who can overcome anything I put my mind to.

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