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Mrs. Nicole

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Smarthinking's E-structor Response Form

(Your marked-up essay is below this form.)
HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!
*Strengths of the essay:
Hello Nicole! My name is Kevin S, and I will be your e-structor for your submission on Literacy Behind Bars. Good job in providing a thesis statement for your paper.
The main point of Malcolm X essay is he became knowledgeable, about his ignorance due to (1) imprisonment in Charlestown Prison, (2) his mental awakening from words, (3) freedom from self.
This helps guide the readers in how you would go about in your discussion. Nicely done! Now, I have a few suggestions on your content, organization, and grammar to help further improve on your summary and response paper. Let’s get started! 
*NICOLE 7271586 has requested that you respond to the Content Development:
You might want to elaborate on some of your points a bit more for the readers to understand them much better. Let’s have a look at your point here on his imprisonment for example: Malcolm X was sent to Charlestown Prison, which I think was the best thing to happen to him. Normally prison is the end result, yet this was the beginning for Malcolm X; it changed the course of his life. All of mankind is destined to change at some point in time, then if we could just find that “something”, whether it be envy, motivation, ignorance, a conversation, something to hit them like a train to awaken their spirit.
Nicole, do remember that this is a summary and response paper. Therefore, be sure to add your response/reaction to Malcolm X and his Literacy Behind Bars. So, what is your response to his imprisonment in Charlestown? What does this show about Malcolm X? What do you think of him? Be sure to check and see if you need more elaboration in your summary and response paper, Nicole.
Organization:
Perhaps you can create proper concluding sentences for some of your paragraphs to help close them for the readers. Let’s have a look at the last sentence of one of your paragraphs:
“Bimbi first made me feel envy of his stock of knowledge. Bimbi had always taken charge of any conversation he was in, and I had tried to emulate him. But every book I picked up had few sentences which didn’t contain anywhere from one to nearly all of the words that might as well have been in Chinese”. (pg. 650).
Avoid ending your paragraphs with paraphrased/quoted references. What can you now conclude about Malcolm X's awakening from words? What conclusion can help close your discussion of his awakening to the readers? Be sure to use these guide questions when writing concluding sentences. For more information on concluding sentences, you can check this link:
Paragraph Development (Chapter 3, Lesson 20) http://services.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_20.cfm *NICOLE 7271586 has requested that you respond to the Grammar & Mechanics:
Always check for sentence errors such as comma splices for your ideas to come out much clearer. Let’s have a look at your sentence here for example:
We need to advocate for our own education, it’s never too late.
This sentence from your summary and response paper is an example of a comma splice. A comma splice is when two independent clauses are joined together with a use of a comma. A comma is not enough to separate two independent clauses. Do remember that an independent clause would contain a subject and a predicate and would make sense all by itself. One way of joining them is with a semicolon. For example
Persuader wields an axe; Black Dwarf also uses an axe.
Notice that the clauses separated by the semicolon each express a complete thought. In your sentence above, where are your independent clauses? How would you now properly separate them? Proofread your paper for similar errors. For more information about comma splices, you can visit this link:
Run-ons and Comma Splices (Chapter 5, Lesson 7) http://services.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/5_07.cfm Summary of Next Steps:
Now, to further strengthen your summary and response paper, you must: * Elaborate a bit more on your response. * Ensure that you have proper concluding sentences for some of your paragraphs. * Properly punctuate your sentences to avoid comma splices.
Nicole, I hope these suggestions would help you in strengthening your discussion on Literacy Behind Bars, as well as help you when you write other essays/papers in the near future. Good luck and have a great day!  Kevin S.
Find additional resources in Smarthinking's online library:
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in Smarthinking's student handbooks. You can visit the Smarthinking Writer's Handbook or the Smarthinking ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer's Handbook.
*************************************************************************
Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting Smarthinking. We encourage you to submit future essays.
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Albert 1

Nicole L. Albert
Ms. Julia Horigan
Summary Essay, ENC 1101
19 September 2014
The Power to be Free The essay “Literacy Behind Bars”, by Malcolm X, ( a militant black nationalist leader, founder of the Muslim Mosque In, and the Organization of Afro-American Unity), provides the reader with a detailed description, of a new world of words that opened up for him. [< Nicole, perhaps you can start off your paper with a question about Malcolm X. What insightful question can you ask the readers about Malcolm X and would lead into your summary of his essay? Having a question to start your paper would help grab the reader’s attention.] Malcolm X imprisonment provided him freedom. The main point of Malcolm X essay is he became knowledgeable, about his ignorance due to (1) imprisonment in Charlestown Prison, (2) his mental awakening from words, (3) freedom from self. Malcolm X was sent to Charlestown Prison, which I think was the best thing to happen to him. Normally prison is the end result, yet this was the beginning for Malcolm X; it changed the course of his life. All of mankind is destined to change at some point in time, then if we could just find that “something”, whether it be envy, motivation, ignorance, a conversation, something to hit them like a train to awaken their spirit. Malcolm X, “something” was experiencing words, and their meaning which was like a fresh of breath air, mental awakening of every new word learned, just made him thirst for more; like an

Albert 2 appetite that couldn’t be fed, he couldn’t get enough. [< It would be preferable if you avoid using contractions such as “couldn't” in your summary and response paper, Nicole. Contractions make your paper look a bit informal. What are the words you need to separate here to make your summary and response paper more academically formal? Separating them instead of using contractions would help make your discussion more formal.] Malcolm X, had reached a point in is life behind bars to finally be free from within. Malcolm X experienced freedom form self, an awakening from words, enlightenment of self, freedom he never experienced from outside of the bars, a relationship with his soul. The conversation Malcolm X, had with Bimbi changed his life, for the first time, he realized his ignorance, or lack of knowledge of words. Malcolm X said it best,
“Bimbi first made me feel envy of his stock of knowledge. Bimbi had always taken charge of any conversation he was in, and I had tried to emulate him. But every book I picked up had few sentences which didn’t contain anywhere from one to nearly all of the words that might as well have been in Chinese”. (pg. 650).
Malcolm X finally realized it was time to step up his game, freedom from self it was time for a change. [< You have provided a proper topic sentence here that helps show the readers what you would be talking about here. It shows that your main focus would be on his freedom from self. Good Job! :)] The same situation (jail) that had locked him up, taken away his freedom, and made him feel powerless would set his soul and mind free forever with books. Malcolm X’s message is for everyone, now more than ever. Once people become aware of their ignorance, or lack of knowledge they can make a choice. Accept ignorance, or release themselves from their own prison. We need to advocate for our own education, it’s never too late. We all have The Power to be Free. [< It would be nice to add more insights here. What insights or lasting impression about Malcolm X can you leave the readers with, Nicole? Providing a lasting impression would leave a mark on the reader regarding your summary and response paper.]

Albert 3

Works Cited
X, Malcolm. “Literacy Behind Bars”. The Norton Field Guide To Writing with Readings Ed. Richard Bullock, Maureen Gaggin. New York: Norton: 2013. 640-643. Print.

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