Reconstructing a relationship after infidelity
Infidelity is certainly one of the most destructive things that can happen in a relationship and can cause severe emotional pain. It can lead to the end of a relationship quicker than most other problems. Financial problems, health issues and other disagreements can strain a marital relationship but such problems may not cause as much heartache and desolation as infidelity (Fife & Weeks, 2008). This is because unfaithfulness undermines the foundation of a relationship. Nevertheless, an affair does not necessarily have to mean the end of a relationship. Given time to heal and with a common goal to rebuild the relationship, it is possible for a couple to emerge from infidelity with a relationship that is stronger and more sincere than before.
It is difficult to determine exactly how many couples have had affairs, but one study found 37% of men and 20% of women admitted to being unfaithful (Rutherford, 2008). Men tend to have affairs for sexual reasons while women stray more for emotional reasons. In other words, men may be seeking sexual gratification in an affair while women may be seeing emotional gratification of the need to feel special. Does the discovery of an affair mean the marriage is over or irreparably damaged? Not necessarily. Fifty percent of marriages stay together following the discovery of an affair. Two thirds do not divorce if the couple seeks counseling (Rutherford, 2008).
Living with the after effects of an affair may be very unpleasant. The fact that one’s partner committed infidelity is likely to destroy that individual’s self-respect. He or she may begin to wonder about their own personal value. Surviving an infidelity must begin by repairing one’s self-respect. It is common for spouses who have been cheated on to direct a lot of anger back at themselves. They often imagine that something is wrong is wrong with them that is why their partner went looking for someone else. This feeling is caused by low self-esteem and following this path is likely to destroy an individual’s sense of self worth (Spring & Spring, 1997). Hence, the most important thing that a betrayed partner needs to do is to rebuild their self-esteem. This might take a while but it has to be done as a first step towards surviving an affair and having a happy and fruitful relationship again.
A range of emotions can be triggered by the initial discovery of an extra-marital affair. An affair is the ultimate betrayal as it obliterates trust and destroys the sense of being loved exclusively. Both partners can experience shock, anger, shame, despair, guilt and regret. It is crucial at this point to take one step at a time. The couples should: 1. Give each other space. Taking time apart from each other is often helpful when emotions are running high. 2. Seek support. They should share their feelings with people they trust such as friends, family members, spiritual leaders or counselors. Sharing their feelings Objective can help couples clarify what they are feeling. 3. Take their time. They should avoid inquiring into the details of the affair immediately. Taking time to understand the situation and postponing any discussions is important until the couple can have a productive conversation.
Despite the fact that recovering from an affair is a difficult and continuous process, it is possible to survive one [ (Solomon & Teagno, 2006) ]. Surviving unfaithfulness requires couples to develop communication skills, practice listening and speak with an open heart. Despite the pain, the betrayed partner should allow the relationship to develop into something better. In order to promote healing, couples should consider the following: a. Accountability. The unfaithful partner should take responsibility for their actions. He or she should end the affair including all interactions or communication with the person. b. Honesty. After the initial shock is over, couples should discuss the issue with an open mind and with honesty. c. Shared goals. Sorting out the issue and considering whether the relationship can heal may take time. If the couple shares a goal of reconciliation, they should appreciate that reconstructing the relationship will take time, energy and dedication. d. Consulting a relationship/marriage counselor. It is beneficial for the couple to seek help from a trained marital counselor who has experience in dealing with infidelity. Counseling can help them identify the probable cause of the affair, learn how to reconstruct and strengthen their relationship. e. Restoring trust. Couples should go to counseling together to confirm commitment to the relationship and to prevent secrecy from further eroding their relationship. f. Forgiveness. Given that unfaithfulness in a relationship is emotionally demoralizing, forgiveness is not likely to come easily. Nevertheless, it may become easier over time.
Facing the Challenges of Reconstructing a Relationship
Couples experience a range of emotions when they discover that their partner has been unfaithful. These emotions have to be dealt with in a healthy and helpful way.
Managing Guilt
Both partners may experience guilt but in different ways. The partner who has been betrayed usually experiences guilt from an ill-founded feeling that they may be responsible for the affair. The partner who had an affair feels guilty for being unfaithful to their partner. This feeling of guilt by the unfaithful partner is justified and should be part of his or her experience as they recover. Guilt is a good thing because it shows that the individual cares, and it gives him or her a road sign to know they have done something wrong. However, when guilt is taken to an extreme level and the couples get so caught up in it that they feel persistently tormented, it becomes a problem. In such a situation, it can be a hindrance to the healing process.
Self-forgiveness
The partner who was involved in an affair may find it difficult to forgive and be compassionate with himself/herself. Self-forgiveness is particularly difficult when one has made a mistake, and in the process, hurt someone they care about [ (Couch & Jones, 2006) ]. Forgiving oneself requires time. The feelings of guilt serve a purpose. Couples should not try to forgive themselves so that they can quickly get over with the difficult period. An attitude to quickly move on will minimize and discount the feelings of the other partner.
Coping with Loneliness
When confronted with infidelity, both partners often feel lonely, but the one who had an affair experiences greater loneliness than the other partner [ (Rutherford, 2008) ]. This is because they are often isolated from more of the people they once trusted in including their partner, friends and family, and the person they were having the affair with. Couples in such a situation should get in touch with people who care about them for support.
According to Snyder and Gordon, (Snyder & Gordon, 2006), the healing process after infidelity works in three phases. These phases are designed to help a couple to focus on doing the right things in the right order to save their relationship. These phases are described below.
Phase I: Individual Healing
This phase involves understanding one’s emotions and thoughts (both the betrayed partner and the one who had an affair). After finding out about the affair, the first instinct may be to look for reasons why it happened. The betrayed partner will want to know the details of the affair, why his/her partner did what they did and if they will ever be able to trust their partner again. In this phase, it is not important to try seeking answers to these questions. The betrayed partner may believe that finding out the reasons that led to the affair will help them heal. Rather than try to find answers to the many questions, the betrayed partner should try to come to terms with his/her own emotions. Working through one’s emotions also involves working through the negative thoughts and images that one might be replaying repeatedly in his/her mind. By discovering how to work through their feelings, a couple will be able to feel normal again and allow them to concentrate.
Restoring Trust with one’s Partner
It is very crucial for the cheating partner to restore trust. Besides dealing with feelings of guilt, humiliation, and depression, the individual may also be dealing with the feelings directly tied their lover such as strong feelings of attachment and consequent withdrawal (Gordon & Baucom, 2006). The cheating partner should break away from his/her affair so as to continue working on his/her relationship. Just like the betrayed partner, the cheating partner may experience intense emotions that may result in severe mental and physical pain. In order to process the pain and reconstruct a relationship, it is important to work through these emotions in sequence. After learning about the infidelity, the betrayed partner begins to be questionable about everything their partner says or does. The only way for the unfaithful partner to rebuild trust is by being transparent.
Phase II: Healing As a Couple
In this phase, the couple needs to work together to identify and resolve major issues. They need to establish a healthy way of communicating with each other. It is important for them to decide the right time to talk about the affair, and learn ways to protect their relationship from further destruction. During this phase, the couple should start discussing why the affair happened as well as problem areas in their relationship and how to solve them. Since the majority of emotions are dealt with in the first phase, discussing the details in this phase is not so difficult. It is easier for the betrayed partner not to take the details personally at this point. Some issues that the couple needs to discuss in this phase include: a. Why the affair happened. The couple should “open up” their relationship and analyze it honestly. If the unfaithful spouse can understand why he strayed, he is less likely to do so again. b. The details of the affair. The betrayed spouse usually what details of the how, when, and where of the affair. He or she may have suspected that something was amiss all along and it could help to have those suspicions confirmed. However, the betrayed partner should seek information that will help to heal her, not hurt her further. c. What was missing in the relationship? The couple should uncover their primary needs. d. The pain of the affair. The hurt spouse has the right to express her hurt and anger about the affair and have her feelings validated by her unfaithful spouse. The unfaithful partner must empathize with his spouse’s emotions to help her heal from the affair. Realizing how deeply one has hurt their spouse is one way of reassuring her that such an incidence will not happen again. e. How to protect the relationship from getting worse. f. What to do when the couple senses danger and how to solve problems before they split them farther apart.
After this phase, the couple is likely to see a big change; a stronger commitment to the relationship, a renew sense of esteem and appreciation for each other.
Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed Relationship
This phase involves understanding how to reconstruct and sustain a new partnership filled with trust. At this stage, the couple should experience more emotional certainty and truthfulness. The betrayed partner should ease into the process of giving his/her faith back to their partner. After the couple starts to feel emotionally connected again, they can begin the physical aspect of their relationship.
Infidelity can be a powerful agent of change. Energy that is released by the affair gradually launches new insights and improved interactions that revamp the relationship. Relationships are often remarkably revitalized. The road to recovery and healing is marked by hard work and heartbreaking events. Couples may often alter their perception of what they want and what it is possible for them to get from their relationship. They are likely to mourn the loss of the assumptions and dreams they held about the relationship or the affair as they work on the painstaking task of rebuilding, moment by moment.
Not every relationship that is affected by unfaithfulness can or should be saved. At times too much damage has been done or resolution remains elusive. Nonetheless, if both parties are committed to reconstructing the relationship and they have the strength and resolve for the task, the reward may be a relationship that grows in truthfulness and intimacy. It might take a while and lots of commitment and determination but it is often worth the effort.

References
Couch, L., & Jones, W. H. (2006). Buffering the effects of betrayal: The role of apology, forgiveness and commitment. Handbook of interpersonal commitment and relationship stability , 451-469.
Fife, S. T., & Weeks, G. R. (2008). Treating Infidelity: An Integrative Approach. The Family Journal , 16 (4), 316-323.
Gordon, K., & Baucom, D. H. (2006). Understanding betrayals in marriage: A synthesized model of forgiveness. Family Process , 37, 425-449.
Rutherford, K. (2008). Infidelity: Not a Pretty Picture. American Counseling Association.
Snyder, D. K., & Gordon, K. C. (2006). Treating Affair Couples: Extending the Written Disclosure Paradigm to Relationship Trauma. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice , 11 (2), 155–159.
Solomon, S. D., & Teagno, L. J. (2006). Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-proof Your Marriage (illustrated ed.). California, USA: New Harbinger Publications.
Spring, J. A., & Spring, M. (1997). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding the trust when a partner has been unfaithful (reprint ed.). New York: HarperPerennial.