Returning to School
Alicia M. McGee
ENG121: English Composition I (ABC1201G)

Instructor: Allorah Wyman

January 24, 2012

Returning to School

There are so many reasons on why I returned to school that I don’t even know where to being. Or could it be the fact that I had a hard time when it came to graduating from high school and maybe I’m here to prove my family wrong. Maybe it my kids and wanting a better life for them then I had for myself. Or it could be the fact that I just want to be here. There are many reasons why I should be here. Returning to school was something that took a while for me to decide to do. Mainly because I said that after all I went through to leave high school that I wasn’t going back to school. I had to do night school, summer school, American school that’s where they mail you the work and you mail it back. And even went back to do a half semester the following year. So once I went through all that I said I was done with school. I was happy I did it, but it was all just a little much to be going through for a simple piece of paper.
But after years of doing nothing and having a child I knew that I wanted to be something if not for me for her. Growing up I was looking for a role model and for some reason I just couldn’t find it. And then it felt like no time ever seem to be the right time and there was always a reason to put it off until the next time. Then having another child just made me come up with every other reason why I should do it. But still I wasn’t working and trouble seems to be the only thing that I could seem to get into. So after many years of getting into trouble and no job and still having to take care of a family, school seems to be my only option. But what kind of school and school for what seem to be my next reasons for the delay. Now being that I’m a problem child I couldn’t see me being in a classroom listen to someone’s rules when I was used to making my own. I just had high school in my mind and it all scared me. Then the older my kids got and the more they started asking questions about school and then seeing my friends moving on with their lives, I thought about it some more and then school didn’t seem so bad.
So when someone asks why are you in school? I have an answer I can hold my head up proudly and say I am in school because I wanted a better life for me and my kids and I don’t my kids looking at me wanting for the things that they need and some of what they want. I am in school to better myself. I am in school to become a better person and to be a better person. I am in school to because there’s nothing wrong with learning more. And more importantly I’m in school because of me and I’m trying to prove something to myself. Now I’m stuck with the question what am I trying to prove to myself? Yes there are a lot of things to prove right and wrong, but setting here now thinking about my life and the roads that I have took to get to where I am today I can’t do nothing but shake my head and wonder how did I make it this far? And my answer has to faith and the fact that I hate to fail. I can look at the fact that I have had to take this class three times alone as a reason to give up but I haven’t. I can look at it like with my situation and the things meaning people that I put into my life that mean me no good and only want to see me down as a reason to stop but I don’t. And I’m still trying to understand what motivates me to stay in school? Earlier I said proving family wrong and for my children but now those answers don’t seem to be good enough. I know that being in school only makes the future look great but looking into the future or even thinking about the future scares the hell out of me. Just keep having the thought of “what if I fail” I like the fact that I don’t have the mind to go off of fear and I don’t stop once I get my mind set on something but at the same time there are so many mountains to climb that I will climb so many forks in the road that keep me making the wrong turn and leading back down a dead in. You know I use school as my save haven. When all else is going wrong in my life I turn to school cause somewhere in my head it’s like I know school will help me get on the right tracks.
But can’t help but wonder if things in my life were great or even okay would I even be here? And I’m pretty sure that the answer would be no. And that’s what’s scared me. There’s no one in my life that even asks how is school going? And it’s not that I need it but I want that. Whenever they bring up school they laugh and say you not gone finish. No encouragement at all once again it’s not that I need it but it’s nice to hear once and a while.
My personal life is crazy!!!!!!!!!! I look at that like okay I have my kids and I’m here with them 24/7 and we have food clothes and all the things that we need and some of the things that we want that I’m doing good for myself and for them. No I have never taken a drink nor did any kind of drug, don’t go out to clubs as a good thing. I can say that I didn’t do none of those things because of what it did to my parents and how I felt not being raised by my parents made me feel and I made that promise to myself that if I ever had children that I would never put them through any of that. But even with that I still have let men beat on me use me take advantage of me stop me discourage me. And even though they haven’t been around for it all they see the pain in my eyes along with the bruises and tears. I need school but as much as I need school, school scares me. Or maybe it’s the fact that I feel that I’m doing it alone that scares me. The fact of not being good enough to finish, well not well enough but let down by not having the motive to do it without something going wrong first. I remember being maybe 18 and me and my grandmother was having one of or usual arguments over what I don’t know. But I remember her talking about school and me not doing this or that with having a child and one on a way. I remember standing there telling her that I was going to be better than everyone in the family. And my grandmother is 80 years old today and she’s going through a lot of health problems. She can barely remember my name and it kills me thinking about it now and how I used to treat her that I make sure that a day don’t go by that I don’t make up for it. But you know she remembers me saying that and that alone make me fight to finish school even if she was to leave today tomorrow I will know that I’m doing this for her. So now when you or anyone else asks me why I’m here I can stand strong and say Jessie Mae McGee is why I’m in school today.
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