Your social style, the “you” that is on display every day, can be quite independent of what we may believe about ourselves or wish we are.

Our actions have a significant effect on our success in dealing with others, so they react to and draw conclusions about us mainly from our behavior, whether they know why we act as we do or not.

So people can see the outer you “your behaviors” while you always see the inner you “your intention and why you do so”. For dealing with social styles we should set aside dealing with inner you and deal with your behaviors.

Merrill and Reid study of behavior results with one key principle: the conclusions that people draw about a person are based on what they observe that person saying or doing. Other aspects of an individual’s personality, including abilities, dreams, ambitions, beliefs, like and dislikes play no role whatsoever in discussion of behavior.

Behavior can be defined as: what we can say and do, and how we say it and do it. Also we can define the “behavioral preferences: as ways of acting and talking that we feel comfortable doing.

We all say and do things are a result of certain habit patterns, and people make predictions about us because they come to expect us to behave in particular way. To illustrate this point, just think about some of the predictions we make about other people’s behavior. For instance, when we give a dinner party, we have a tendency to seat our friends according to how we think they will get along with each other.

A brief look at the “roots” of behavior indicates that in the most elemental sense, people tend to do those things that make them comfortable and avoid doing those things that make them uncomfortable or cause them tension. Once a pattern of actions receives positive reinforcement, we have tendency to repeat it. These behaviors begin to develop early in life. For example parents who want their children to be gentle tend to reinforce gentle actions rather than aggressive behaviors. Parents who believe their children should be fighters reinforce these preferences, parental substitutes who support the same type of behavior.

Soon the accepted type of behavior becomes so automatic that a person may not even realize that it is a habit. People simply repeat the patterns that have made them comfortable in the past. Later they even tend to seek out social situations that will reinforce their habitual behavior and to avoid social situations that cause discomfort.

Tension which can have either positive or negative effect on us is a stimulus that causes us to act rather than to remain inactive. Tension can be seen simply as a state of disequilibrium, an awareness that something disturbing is happening in our environment. The tension we talk about is the type that felt between people. For example we may experience tension in the situation as simple as having someone walk into a room where we happen to be sitting. We feel that something is different about our environment and our nervous system goes on the alert. So we may feel pleased, irritated or indifferent, but fact remains tension is present.

Because we need to reduce tension or regain sense of equilibrium, tension produces a response, and if the response leads to a reduction of tension, it’s likely that we will use the same response whenever we have similar feelings. For example when someone gets in a crowded elevator, we feel tension, and we respond in some way to make ourselves comfortable again. Some people automatically speak to that new person, others watch the floor numbers displayed or stare straight ahead. Normally you will find the response of each one of them will be repeated mostly every time they face the situation.

We tend to think of tension as unpleasantness, but keep in mind that it can have both positive and negative effects. Tension is positive because it’s motivating force for virtually all living organisms. Tension provides “go power” for the human being. It is the motivator that gets you up early at the morning, keeps you on the job and directs us in sustained activity through years of education and work.

But behavior produced by tension can create negative results too. As we learn to respond in certain ways to tension, we create “comfort zones” for ourselves – ranges or boundaries of behavior that make us feel comfortable. When we behave in our comfort zones we behave in a certain ways which can be creating tension for someone else. And mostly the tension that we create will cause another individual to have non-productive response; he may refuse to deal with us or to argue with us. Similarly it will happen to us when someone uses a kind of behavior outside our comfort zone, which causes tension for us and we tend to be critical with that person.

There are two values that all of us seek to have and are encouraged from both our parents and our society, they are achievement and acceptance.

Our social suggest that we will earn respect and material rewards for being skillful and habitually active “Achievement”. Also they emphasize the importance of being recognized as a nice person and a feeling human being “Acceptance”.

The way most people handle confrontation can also be divided into two responses. Some people avoid confrontation (and this is called flight) and the other one is to face the confrontation (and that is called fight). People can exhibit both of these two responses according to their comfort zones.

It is important to note that no one can behave in one way all the time, we all exhibit a range of behaviors and this variability combined with other elements that constitute personality make each one of quite unique. But we consider just the social style – what other people can see us doing and saying – we realize that it’s possible to generalize about the behavior of other people and they also can generalize about ours.

The human behavior can be projected in three dimensions:

1- Assertiveness: which is the aspect of behaviors that measures whether a person tends to tell or ask, and the degree which others see that person as trying to influence their decisions.

2- Responsiveness: it is the dimension that indicates whether a person tends to emote or to control feelings and the extent to which other see us as an individual who displays feelong or emotions openly in social situations.

3- Versatility: is the dimension of behavior that indicates the extent to which others see us as adaptable resourceful and competent; it is behavior that earns their social endorsement of us because it accommodates their preferences.

Assertiveness: Who Tells and Who Asks

People in their social moves and interpersonal relations with others tend to take one of two behaviors either to start an interaction quickly and to tell others what they think or to be less likely to start interaction and less likely to make definite statements.

Those people who are described mostly “telling” are individuals who state their opinion with assurance, confidence, or force; they may be described as demanding, aggressive and forceful. On the contrary those people who are less assertive tend to “ask”, they seek information and raise questions more often than average and tend to avoid taking a stand with others. They may be described as unassuming, contended and quite.

But we should note that talking a lot or dominating conversation may not make or ideas, beliefs or opinions clear to others. In these cases our behavior may not seen as assertive by others. For a person to be seen as assertive he should take a stand and make a position clear to others. So unless you publicly use actions that communicate your opinions effectively to others you may not be describes as assertive no matter how much talking you do.

Less assertive individuals will be seen as:

1- More reserved, unaggressive and easygoing.

2- They rarely apper dominant and tend to keep their thoughts to themselves.

3- Their behavior seems tentative and others see them as individuals who do not communicate their ideas or beliefs without a specific need to do so.

4- Also they can be seen as cooperative because they tend to listen to others and utilize opportunities, seldom take charges, let others take the social initiatives and move slowly.

More assertive individuals are described as active, forceful, aggressive and ambitious. A more assertive person tends to make his or her presence known, is perceived by others as liking to be in on the action, and tends to tell others what he or she thinks. Such a person will often initiate social contacts and communicate with others even when it may not be appropriate to do so.

We can place an individual as to be “telling” when we find him outgoing, seems to have take charge attitude, and willingness to express strong opinions and make quick decisions.

To identify the amount of assertiveness displayed by an individual you should observe verbal and nonverbal behavioral clues. For verbal behaviors you should observe how much this person speaks, how loudly and how fast that person speaks. For nonverbal you can observe for hands movements and body language as well as his tendency to make eye contact or to avoid it.

1- Less assertive have the following verbal clues:

- Pace of speech slow

- Quantity of speech few statements

- Volume of speech soft.

2- Less assertive have the following nonverbal clues:

- Use of hands : Relaxed and cupped

- Body posture leans back while talking

- Eye contact indirect contact while speaking

3- More assertive have the following verbal clues:

- Pace of speech fast

- Quantity of speech more statements

- Volume of speech louder.

4- More assertive have the following nonverbal clues:

- Use of hands : pointing to others

- Body posture leans forward to make a point

- Eye contact direct contact while speaking

Responsiveness: Who controls feelings, and who shows them

It indicates how much feeling a person tends to display, more responsive people tend to react to influences, appeals or stimulations and to openly express their feelings, also they rapidly express anger, joy or hurt feelings.

Less responsive people are described as cautious, intellectual and serious, while the more responsive people are described as warm, emotional and lighthearted.

Less responsive are also seen as independent and indifferent for the feeling of others and they are seen as people who rely on logic and reasons when making decisions. Also formal, proper and stiff in social relationships and avoid personal involvement with others. They appear precise, makes specific points can be critical with a no-nonsense attitude and a desire to get things and tasks rather than on people an seeks to gain approval through achievements.

They appear to be more formal in their dress and speak, they are secretive cautious communicators who display measured and factual opinions, they are impersonal and business like.

More responsive people are described as attention-seeking and involved in feeling with others. They appear to be concerned in the relationship and act informal casual playful ways in social situations. They have tendency to talk in a general and impressive way, showing their joyful feelings as well as their deep depressions and unconcerned to get the things done efficiently. They are open informally dress and speak, impulsive communicators talk and act dramatically, easygoing attitude permissive, easy to get to know. The more responsive people tend to earn social acceptance whereas the less responsive ones tend to gain approval through achievements.

You should note the verbal and nonverbal clues of both types where you will find:

1- Less responsive have the following verbal clues:

- Voice appeared to be monotone.

- Subjects of speech are about tasks.

- Descriptive facts and data

2- Less responsive have the following nonverbal clues:

- Use of hands : close

- Body posture rigid

- Facial expression controlled

3- More responsive have the following verbal clues:

- Voice appeared to be inflections.

- Subjects of speech are about people.

- Descriptive opinion and stories

4- More responsive have the following nonverbal clues:

- Use of hands : open palms

- Body posture casual

- Facial expression animated

The results of the two scales are:

1- Less responsive + more assertive = Driver behavior.

2- Less responsive + less assertive = Analytical behavior.

3- more responsive + more assertive = Expressive behavior.

4- more responsive + less assertive = Amiable behavior.

The Driver Style: Action Oriented

Actions used to relate to others

People for this driving style believes that they know exactly what they and how to get it. They have a slogan which is “Let’s get it done now, and get it done my way”. They are more oriented to get results and they appear uncommunicative, cool, independent, and competitive in their relationship with others. They tend to initiate actions and their actions are definite, although their actions can appear to other unclear because they do not share their feelings or personal motives. They work with others not because they enjoy people but they believe they must do so in order to achieve their targeted results, although they can appear very pleasant when dealing with others.

Use of Time:

They tend to focus on the present, they are swift, efficient and to the point. They tend to deal with the immediate situation rapidly and appear to have little concern for the past or the future. They prefer to work with others who move quickly. Because of this tendency to be impatient, they get the things done n hurry and the job sometimes needs to be redone.

Approach to Decision Making:

They prefer to make their own decisions, they seek power and do not like being told what to do or what not to do. they are quick to express their conclusions about any thing that concerns them and when they encounter obstacles between themselves and their objectives they will often seek to control the situation (and/or people) and past the obstacle through the use of force. They generally base their decisions on facts and data, they tend to take risks and they prefer to be presented with options from which they can choose.

The Expressive style: Intuition oriented

Actions used to relate to others

They appear communicative, warm approachable and competitive. The expressive tend to involve other people with their feeling, thoughts and motivations. Their actions suggest that they need others as friends – but in the rule of followers and supporters not as competitors. Although they count on the relationships with others these relationships may frequently seem shallow and short lived.

Use of Time:

They mostly seem to spend much of their time and effort moving toward some dream of the future. They act quickly but undisciplined in their use of time. They normally have a little concern with the details in the present. They can easily change their course of actions and seem impatient to find the most exciting vision of the moment for themselves and others. They move rapidly from subject to subject.

Approach to Decision Making:

They can take risks in making their decisions and usually base their decisions on personal opinions – his own or others. The expressive individual consider important, prominent, or successful will mean more to this person’s decision making process than all of the facts and logic one might introduce. They are more imaginative and creative than people with other styles. It is easy for them to make mistakes because they base their decisions on opinions and intuitions rather than facts. They like special immediate and extra incentives for their willingness to take risks and move rapidly.

The Amiable Style: Relationship Oriented

Actions used to relate to others

They place high priority on friendships, close relationships and cooperative behavior. They often lend joy, warmth and freshness to social situations. Folklore, religious or family traditions can capture their attention. They tend to look for the personal motives in the action of others and they get involved in feelings and relationships between people. They attempt to achieve objectives with people, they use understanding and mutual respect rather than force and authority. They appear to accept authority from another person if the person is friendly and understanding. It is very important for them to be accepted and liked by the others.

Use of time:

They tend to move slowly and undisciplined in their use of time. They like to take time to share personal objectives and feelings with other people. They focus on what is happening right now. Sometimes talking and socializing can become so important that it is difficult for them to get back to the work at hand.

Approach to Decision Making:

Amiable people are slow or reluctant to change opinions that hold personal maning for them. They tend to stick to the comfortable known rather taking a risk with unknowns. They avoid any risks which come with taking a decision for unknown issues, especially risks that involve personal relationships. They tend to use opinions to take decisions and they want others to provide guarantees and assurance that any decisions made will minimize risk and assure benefits promised. This need to feel safe in decision making process has the highest priority for an amiable person.

The Analytical Style: Thinking oriented

Actions used to relate to others

They are people who live their lives according to principles, logic facts and consistency. They usually are seen by others as individuals who are cold, unenthusiastic or detached and independent. Despite of that they are cooperative in their actions as long as they have some freedom to organize their own efforts. They tend to be cautious about extending friendship or showing personal warmth and they are more concerned with how things can be done without the need for personal involvement. They are interested in facts and logic more than personal opinions. They tend to be suspicious of anything until they see a proved predictable pattern of that thing which we can call it “show me attitude”.

Use of Time:

They seem to move slowly but their use of time is deliberate, disciplined manner. They avoid rush and flashiness because they want to look at the facts in a systemic, accurate manner, they focus on the past to give them the direction for the future, and they prefer to work on a predictable schedule.

Approach to Decision Making:

They appear to make decisions based on facts and they avoid taking risks. They look for evidence to support the validity of their decisions. The evidence should be solid, logic, tangible, practical and realistic not just someone’s personal opinion. They also require assurance that any decision made today will remain reasonably valid in the future. Because of this desire to be “right” analytical tend to move with cautious and deliberation when making a decision. So once their decision is made it will be lasting.

Some remarks on the four styles:

As humans we are all social beings and we all learn ways to gain acceptance and to achieve. However the different styles vary in actions they take to reach these goals and emphasis put on each. For example people wit more responsive styles “Amiables and Expressives” are open and obvious in the actions they take to gain social acceptance. They seek to build and maintain personal relationships – gain acceptance – as they pursue achievements. They also may use their skills in developing good personal relationships as tools to seek achievement. It is a matter of priority: gaining acceptance make achievement easier or so I appears to more responsive styles.

Now digging more in the responsive people we can see that Amiables gains social acceptance first through efforts to be “secure” within social surroundings. Once a person has this acceptance he goes on to seek achievement. The amiable’s effort for achieving are characterized by a deliberate, people oriented approach and generous use of time and supportive behavior.

Expressive person seeks social acceptance first by capturing other people’s attention, and then goes on to achieve a goal. This effort is reflected by a style which displays an impulsive, excitable nature, more people oriented than task oriented and stimulating, competitive push for attention.

People with less responsive styles “Drivers and Analyticals” are more obvious in their actions to gain achievement. They take the approach of accomplishing the task first, which they hope will lead to acceptance by others. Their priority is to get the job done and that seems to be their key to later acceptance.

One way to gain acceptance through achievement is by being in charge, which is a behavior of the Drivers. This approach is reflected in behavior that is self directed, independent, fast and task oriented rather than people oriented and competitive actions.

Analytical person also seeks to gain acceptance through achievement but his achievement is to be “right” in the form of having thorough plan or picture of whatever situation he is attempting to deal with. This effort is reflected by actions that are deliberate, calculating and cool, by task oriented and by generally cautious, slow approach.

Backup styles: