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To My Beloved

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Submitted By carlopiyer
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Pasensya na sa lahat Jel. Alam kong pagod ka na. Alam kong nasasaktan at naguguluhan ka na sa mga bagay-bagay na ginagawa ko. Alam ko rin na sobra ka ng nalulungkot sa mga nangyayari ngayon. Sobra rin naman akong nalulungkot lalo na kapag nalalaman ko na umiiyak ka, pero alam ko rin naman na iyon ay dahil sa kagaguhan ko. Pasensya na kung ganito yung mga nakasulat dito. Isinusulat ko lang talaga kung ano yung mga bagay na nararamdaman at naiisip ko pati na rin yung mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin sa iyo. Sobrang sorry talaga sa nangyari kanina. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit kapag kaharap na kita, hindi ko magawang sabihin ang mga bagay-bagay. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nablangko yung isip ko kanina at hindi ko magawang mailabas iyong mga bagay na nakapagpapagulo sa isip ko. Ang mas lalong hindi ko maintindihan ay bakit kung kailan pauwi na ako kanina, saka ko lang naisort-out yung mga iniisip ko. Siguro nga tama sila Edelwin na takot ako umiyak sa harap mo. Takot nga siguro akong magpakita ng kung anong nararamdaman ko kapag kaharap na kita. Pero siguro, ayaw ko lang talagang makikitang iiyak ka habang kausap kita ng dahil sa akin, ng dahil sa mga pinag-iisip ko at dahil sa mga kagaguhan ko. Hindi ko naman talaga intensyon na paasahin ka sa pagsasabi ko na “ayos lang tayo” noon. Marami ng mga bagay ang gumugulo sa isip ko noon pati na rin sa kung ano ba iyong nararamdaman ko. Ang napili ko na lamang gawing solusyon para sa mga bagay na iyon ay ang paglayo. Hindi naman sa itinutulak kita palayo. Ginusto ko na lang sigurong umiwas at takasan iyong mga bagay na iyon, kasi ganun ko madalas solusyunan ang mga problemang napagdaraanan ko. Pero sa ginawa kong iyon, hindi ko naman masisi na ang lumalabas ay itinutulak kita palayo.
Biglaan. Napakabilis ng pangyayari. Isang araw bigla na lamang kitang hindi pinansi’t kinausap. May mga araw din siguro na nagugulat ka na lang dahil binabati’t nginingitian kita. Magulo. Hindi mo siguro maintindihan kung bakit ganoon. Kahit ako patuloy pa rin na naguguluhan hanggang ngayon. Minsan dahil sa mga bagay na iyon, na patuloy kong iniisip araw-araw at gabi-gabi, hindi ko na lang namamalayan na naiiyak na pala ako. Hindi ko na minsan alam kung anong dapat kong gawin at kung paano ko sa iyo sasabihin ang mga bagay na iyon. Akala ko kanina handa na akong kausapin ka at buksan ang mga iyon sa ating usapan. Hindi pa pala. Hindi ko rin alam kung kailan ako magiging handa sa ating susunod na pag-uusap kaya ko ginagawa itong letter na ito. Katulad nga ng sinabi ko sa iyo kanina, iyong mga bagay na iyon ay tungkol sa mga kaibigan, mga taong nakapaligid sa atin, pressure, mga bagay na ipinapakita natin sa isa’t isa, ikaw, ako at kung anong meron sa ating dalawa.
Sa pagkakaalala ko dati ay nabanggit ko na sa iyo iyong tungkol sa pressure. Hindi ko talaga alam pero may mga bagay ka na ginagawa’t pinapakita na nagiging dahilan kung bakit ako napepressure. Minsan itanatanong ko sa mga kaklase ko kung tama ba na ganun yung nararamdaman sa lahat ng mga bagay na isinasakripisyo mo para sa akin. Katulad na lamang sa mga ginawa mong regalo para sa akin katulad noong para sa pasko, noong birthday ko at sumunod pa nga yung sa Valentines Day. Naappreciate ko talaga lahat ng mga iyon at alam ko na ginawa mo yung ganoong kalaking effort na yun para maipakita’t maiparamdaman sa akin na importante ako. Pero hindi ko pa rin talaga maiwasang mapressure lalo na kapag sinasabi mo sa akin na ilang oras mo iyong ginawa o kaya hindi ka natulog ng ilang oras, minsan pa nga ay araw, para lang magawa’t maibigay mo iyon sa akin. Iniisip ko kung kaya ko bang ireciprocate lahat ng sakripisyo na iyon na ginawa mo para sa akin. Sobra kang importante sa akin pero hindi ko talaga alam kung kaya ko bang magbigay ng ganung kalaking effort para maipakita sa iyo na mahalaga ka sa akin. Iniisip ko kung paano ko maibabalik o mahihigitan iyong mga bagay na iyon. Minsan nga, naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi simpleng oras na hinihingi mo sa akin, hindi ko maibigay sa iyo. Naiinis din ako kasi ako itong lalaki, ako yung hindi naghihintay sa iyo sa uwian. Ako iyong hindi ka man lang pinuntahan sa airport noong papunta ka sa Korea. Ako iyong hindi nag-aayang lumabas para makasama ka man lamang ng kahit ilang oras. O sa madaling salita, ako yung lalaki pero ako yung hindi nagbibigay ng effort. Mas naisip ko pa itong mga bagay na ito noong inaasar na ako na mga kaibigan ko na wala naman daw ako pakialam sayo at hindi naman lamang ako nag-effort sa iyo kahit papaano. Alam ko namang mas may kaya pa akong ibigay para sa iyo, na iyong ipinapakita ko ay hindi pa hanggang doon lang yun, pero hindi ko talaga maiwasang mapressure. At dahil dun pasensya na.

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