Values and Foundations of Relations:
By: Imran Shahzad Adil
Every thing in the universe has connected each other. We can observe this connection in various forms, like crops with soil, soil with water, water with clouds, and clouds with Ossian. Due to these connections Allah invite us for knowledge, research and thinking. We should observe and learn from nature, because we have an active connection with nature and all living beings. So it is human nature to feel a need for a strong relation, to feel kinship, unconditional acceptance, love, connection and belongingness from someone and somewhere. It means we have a strong relation with nature and humanity. Our Life is relational, it is impossible to exist outside of or apart from relationships and close ones involve people we see, talk to and hear daily.
The relationship we have with them can be very good, very bad or somewhere in between. These close connections change us and enable us to influence change in others. Every person will move through many different relationships during the course of their life. Relations are not a collection of peoples it is collection of care, respect and help. Mr. Leo F. Buscaglia writes a very beautiful quote.
"Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyze your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness."
A strong relation is like a connection between mother and child. This happens even in the womb of his or her mother. The child shares the moods of the mother. They experience the movements of the mother. They obviously share the same space. They sense when mother is conversing with others and probably sense the emotional content of the conversation.
Every relation needs identity, security and recognition; it requires suitable environment and a working place to nourish. Our family is our first "society". In it we learn much that will either help us or harm us as we begin to deal with people outside of our family. If we learn strong bonds in our families, we will have no trouble building them later with others. Our family is our society and our home is a place where society can grow. Home gives an environment to learn basic notions for better life.
A little boy loved to come and play around an apples tree everyday. He loved the tree and the tree loved to play with him. Time went by, the little boy had grown up and he no longer played around the tree every day.
One day, the boy came back to the tree and he looked sad." Come and play with me", the tree asked the boy." I am no longer a kid, I do not play around trees any more" the boy replied." I want toys. I need money to buy them."
"Sorry, but I do not have money, but you can pick all my apples and sell them. So, you will have money."
He grabbed all the apples on the tree and left happily. The boy never came back after he picked the apples.
The tree was sad.
One day, the boy who now turned into a man returned and the tree was excited." Come and play with me" the tree said." I do not have time to play. I have to work for my family. We need a house for shelter. Can you help me?" "Sorry, but I do not have any house. But you can chop off my branches to build your house." So the man cut all the branches of the tree and left happily. The tree was glad to see him happy but the man never came back since then. The tree was again lonely and sad. One hot summer day, the man returned and the tree was delighted.
"Come and play with me!" the tree said.
"I am getting old. I want to go sailing to relax myself. Can you give me a boat?" said the man." Use my trunk to build your boat. You can sail far away and be happy."
So the man cut the tree trunk to make a boat. He went sailing and never showed up for a long time.
Finally, the man returned after many years. "Sorry, my boy. But I do not have anything for you anymore. No more apples for you", the tree said. "No problem, I do not have any teeth to bite" the man replied." No more trunk for you to climb on." "I am too old for that now" the man said.
"I really cannot give you anything, the only thing left is my dying roots," the tree said with tears." I do not need much now, just a place to rest. I am tired after all these years," the man replied. "Good! Old tree roots are the best place to lean on and rest, come sit down with me and rest." The man sat down and the tree was glad and smiled with tears. This is a story of everyone. The tree is like our parents. When we were young, we loved to play with our Mum and Dad. When we grow up, we leave them; only come to them when we need something or when we are in trouble. No matter what, parents will always be there and give everything they could just to make you happy.
You may think the boy is cruel to the tree, but that is how all of us treat our parents. We take them for granted; we don't appreciate all they do for us, until it's too late.
Our parents, brothers, sisters, wife and children are precious blessing of Allah. It is our duty to think and feel their love and rights. Our family and home help us to learn the skills and values for whole life.
"Home is the place where boys and girls first learn how to limit their wishes, abide by rules, and consider the rights and needs of others."- Sidonie Gruenberg
A strong family provides support. It provides a strong sense of identity through family feedback, and it gives a sense of knowing we are loved unconditionally. Family is our training ground for life and the stronger it is, the stronger the child will be as he or she steps out from the nest to make his or her own way in the world. At least it gives them a better chance.
As we know our family is our identity. So to remain our identity, we should adopt some values and respect the traditions of our ancestors. "If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people." Thich Nhat Hanh quotes (Vietnamese Monk, Activist and Writer. b.1926)
Every person has his personal respect and responsibility so he/she should has strong connection with his family. Overall there must be flexibility or the family becomes rigid and the authority figures become resented. We could compare a successful family to a democracy. There are leaders, but the whole group is involved in the decision making process. All members must feel a freedom within the group to express themselves freely. When a family is free of abuse and oppression, it can be the place where we share our deepest secrets and stand the most exposed, a place where we learn to feel distinct without being "better," and sacrifice for others without losing ourselves. While the family works to avoid stressful situations they work together to solve problems, without blaming, criticizing and finding fault with each other.
A child may have poor self-image, isolating themselves from peers at school or holding anger and pain inside. This not only affects the emotional well-being, but also physical well-being. The poor self-image may be with them throughout life, causing an inability to make positive choices or be close to others. So Life is chaotic enough out in the world without a stable, caring family inside. Family bonds are created by spending time together, caring for one another, and sharing family experiences, both good and bad Strong family bonds bring security and give children a safe base on which to try their wings.
Qualities of a Family:
The main and important quality of a family that sustains its members that supports and nourishes the members throughout the span of that family. A strong family unit creates a safe, positive and supportive place for all members to thrive.
This is why the Prophet said. ."'Best of my people is the man who shows his family not harshness but perfect kindness and goodness." (Moral Excellence. p.247 "Makarem-ul-Akhlaq".)
They are able to utilize resources and to live together in a fairly healthy manner. Loving relationships have good qualities, such as support from your partner, a willingness to communicate, a desire to compromise, and open an honest communication. When you do not have these fundamental qualities in a relationship, that relationship isn't likely to grow, and become something that you desire.
Different writer and thinkers define some values and foundation of good relation.
Honesty is one of the most basic of all elements to any healthy relationship.
Without forgiveness in a relationship we cannot create sustainability, so we should forgive and forget little things and mistakes.
Trust able us to share everything and can speak freely.
Communication between the family members is very important element, it can reduce the confusions.
Every relation can grow with friendly behavior.
If you deal with your family issues problems, conflicts and imperfections with patience, it will create strong bond among your family.
Every thing should be done in balanced way, to grow, stronger and to sustain the relation. your family members are able to be emotionally open and honest, being able to express your opinions and be comfortable enough to allow and support your partner's emotional openness as well.
Confidence is a very important element, in the relational grounds. It create trust and safety for every member in the family.
I have done a smaller research from different internet blogs regarding the foundations of good relations. Under this research 90% person suggested these values for good relations, honesty, trust and respect. 70% person like the best communication skills for successful relations. 50% people think that love and confidence are foundation of good relations. 40% persons think that sense of humor, understanding and friendship is a good habit for relations, 30% people consider compassion and commitment. And 20% peoples like the values of patience, tolerance, and faithfulness. So this research gives the 14 values as foundation of all relations.
Concluded:
"Your possessions and children are a test." Unfortunately, relationship pain is the worst kind of pain in the world. Relationships are very easily established (even bad ones) but very difficult to dissolve and they never go away completely.
When we feel safe and secure in our own home, we know we have a place to go if life gets to us. Family ties are our first experience with security, with relating to others and more. As our foundation for life, families and the bonds they form are extremely important in determining our future. A solid foundation is a much better start for life than a crumbling one. A strong family bond is protective. After a child gets a taste for an accepting, affirming and supportive relationship in the home, it will be difficult for them to tolerate anything less. A healthy, happy family benefits our whole society. Among the children of strong families their is less crime, less divorce and less emotional problems. They tend to go on and have strong, healthy families of their own, having learned from their folk's example.
Our precious relations of world are three, first are love with family, second are sincerity and faithfulness with country and third are inspirational practice and passion with religion.
