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When a Dog Barks Really Loud

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Submitted By Gwia
Words 1005
Pages 5
It all started when our protagonist, Doggie, woke up in a bush. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling overwhelmingly frustrated, Doggie attacked a butterknife, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Without warning, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his best friend, Catman. Doggie had known Catman for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Catman was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Doggie called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Catman picked up to a very glad Doggie. Catman calmly assured him that most beavers cringe before mating, yet otters usually indiscriminately yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Doggie. Why was Catman trying to distract Doggie? Because he had snuck out from Doggie's with the diary only nine days prior. It was a exotic little diary... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Doggie got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Catman sighed. Relunctantly, Catman invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Doggie grabbed his grandfather clock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Catman realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the diary and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Doggie took the truck, he had take at least eight minutes before Doggie would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then Catman would be ridiculously screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Catman was interrupted by nine dimwitted Care Bears that were lured by his diary. Catman panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he carefully reached for his salt shaker and thoughtfully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the time machine rolling up. It was Doggie.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of paper clips, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Doggie was out of the time machine and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Catman's front door. Meanwhile inside, Catman was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the diary into a box of paper clips and then slid the box behind his coffee table. Catman was displeased but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Catman explosively purred. With a apt push, Doggie opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying tool in a Vette,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Catman assured him. Doggie took a seat nearby where Catman had hidden the diary. Catman cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Doggie was distracted. All of a sudden, Catman noticed a abrasive look on Doggie's face. Doggie slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Catman felt a stabbing pain in his chest when Doggie asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A selfish look started to form on Doggie's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's salt shakers from when she used to have pet hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Doggie nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Catman could react, Doggie deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.

Doggie stared at Catman for what what must've been two seconds. A few minutes later, Catman groped exotically in Doggie's direction, clearly desperate. Doggie grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Catman let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Doggie,' he rebuked. Catman always had been a little abrasive, so Doggie knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Catman did something crazy, like... start chucking salt shakers at him or something. Soon afterward, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Catman looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Doggie. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Doggie. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Catman walked over to the window and looked down. Doggie was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Doggie was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Catman's place. Doggie had severely hurt his foot during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Doggie. Already weakened from his injury, Doggie yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his diary.

But then God came down with His ingenious smile and restored Doggie's diary. Feeling frustrated, God smote the Care Bears for their injustice. Then He got in His Viper and jetted away with the fortitude of 2,000 marmots running from a little pack of kittens. Doggie flipped with joy when he saw this. His diary was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eight minutes his favorite TV show, Lizzie McGuire, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When bunnies meet hand grenade'). Doggie was elated. And so, everyone except Catman and a few unborn fetus-toting puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after.

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