An Infinite Love

Blue bonnets and pacifiers. Dirty diapers and car seats. So not my cup of tea. I was just starting my life and had just moved away from home to start college. This was my time to have fun, to find myself; this was my time to shine. Life, though, seems to have its own set of plans laid out for us; it’s just not what we expect, and when that curve ball gets thrown, well it’s usually a doozy. Life sure laid one on me that January day when everything changed and not in the best possible way. So I was going to be a mom. That word just didn’t fit right; I wasn’t supposed to have kids, plus, I didn’t even want kids.

In “Alone on the Hilltop”, John (Fire) Lame Deer, tells us of his rite of passage. He is a sixteen year old Sioux Indian boy confined to a sacred hole dug into the side of a hilltop called a vision pit. He is left alone and scared for four days and nights, with no food or water and only a few small tokens left with him for strength and guidance. Lame Deer has a brightly colored star quilt that his grandmother made, and forty pieces of her own flesh to help him be strong. He also has with him a ceremonial pipe to help ease his fears and communicate with the Waken Tanka or “Great Spirit” in the spirit world. Being alone with only his small tokens, the earth and night sky are all part of the path he must take to find his “calling”, to become a medicine man like his grandfather before him. This is his path to becoming a man.

Rites of passage are different for everyone, and although my rite of passage isn’t as elaborate or even as ceremonious, I do relate to Lame Deer. I felt the connection of being scared and of being alone, and although we weren’t alone, in the moment it sometimes feels that way.

Just like Lame Deer was afraid of failing and not having a vision to become a medicine man, I too was afraid of having a baby and even more so of becoming a mother. Children are blessings, gifts given to the responsible, and the ones ready for children, who want children, and here I was none of the above, but given that gift. There were so many things I was afraid of. Anyone can have a baby, but not everyone is meant to be a mother. Mother, those are some massively huge shoes to fill. Could I be a good Mom? Could I take care of a baby? Would I remember to get up at night to feed him? Did I want to put my life on hold, and maybe never accomplish my goals? Did I even want him? These were all the things going through my mind endlessly. As the months passed and I grew bigger and bigger with a healthy baby boy, the day finally came when I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my son. I was just hours away from the most life changing moment I would ever experience and like Lame Deer I felt so alone. This was a defining moment in my life, and even though the hospital room was packed full of family and friends, I was alone. No one understood the feelings in mind and heart, they didn’t understand the doubts or why I would question such blessing and in that moment I realized how truly alone I was. I was alone and I was terrified. Could I do this? I was moments away from meeting my son, this little person I didn’t want, this little person that has changed everything, and turned my life upside down. Could I do this?

People say that as soon as you meet your child for the first time all doubts cease to exist and that you are overwhelmed with love for them. Well, that is an understatement. The world and everyone in it ceased to exist the moment I laid eyes on him. Ten perfect tiny fingers and toes, two beautiful blue eyes, hair the color of coal and the softest skin you could imagine. I have never since that moment felt what I felt in that room for another human being. Overwhelming love? Not even close. This was an infinite love, a love so deep, so breathtaking, it can never be broken. An immediate bond so strong the ties can never be severed. This little miracle was my defining moment and I wanted him like I have never wanted anything in my entire life; he was my son and I was his mom. All the questions and doubts were gone like they never existed. I loved him and he was mine; I would cherish him always.

In “Alone on the Hilltop”, Lame Deer was afraid of not having his vision to become a medicine man; just like I was afraid of having a child and becoming a mother. Life is not easy and seldom goes the way we want, but I believe that those curve balls life throws are thrown perfectly, and mine couldn’t have been any more perfect. I am a mother, the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. I love my son more than life itself and am proud to be his Mom. I wouldn’t have changed my doubts or fears, I would not have changed anything about my coming of age. I believe everything happens for a reason and the way things happen are meant to be. I was meant to doubt having a child and I was meant to be afraid and question everything. It was what made me stronger and it’s what makes me be a better mother. Like Lame Deer gaining knowledge and learning from his ancestors, I have learned much on my journey becoming a mom. I’ve heard love conquers all and it’s a bit cliche I know, but in my case, the love I felt for my son did conquer all.