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Burning Man

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Submitted By ashtranello
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People refer to my ability to get last minute tickets this year as some sort of miracle, when the magic is truly attributed to a lack of attachment to outcomes and a trust that life will put me where I belong. I planned to buy tickets at the last minute like the cool kids and thus decided that I probably wouldn’t go when the tickets sold out and people started hawking them for thrice the price. Even if I could have afforded it, I refused to pay more than ticket price as making money by scalping tickets goes against the basic gifting-economy premise of Burning Man and I did not want to contribute to the demise of such beauty for my own desire to party. Theoretically I was fine with the idea of missing it and even relishing the convenience of extra time for planning out my September California silk-selling mission. Though my smallest riteous voices couldn’t believe that I would not get to kiss the dust, for my body wanted saturation by the dust.
About a week before the event started a ticket fell in my lap via my first silk painting student, beautiful Katha—a burner whom I was helping to paint a silk scarf for every pretty person in her camp. At first I wondered if I might be crazy to take on such a huge extra project to coincide with my own end-of-summer production crunch and now I understand that my path to the mystic dust lay in the joy of helping another with art and love (of course!). So one ticket came and then another soon after that from a long lost friend who had moved to Florida. The process of getting these impossible tickets included hours and hours of painting, catching up phone conversations and a morning coffee break with my favorite KEXP (Kexp.org) radio personality, DJ Riz; a pleasant beginning to a beautiful trip!
Once Vanessa and I decided to jump, we flowed towards the desert in the smooth hap-hazard minimalist fashion I had fancied 6 months before. In years past I planned to the hilt, worked to get involved with big camps and projects— only to feel insufficient in my contributions and to return with a grand unused portion of supplies. We had about 3 days to pack and plan for a week of survival in the desert and a month afterwards of selling our wares on a slow drive home up the coast. We brought only what we would need to survive, to make art, a few gifts and too many costumes, confident that our perfect niche would find us once we got there.
Five minutes after arriving on the Playa, as we looked for a place to park and peruse, Admiral Steve came up to our confused window and invited us to camp with his Pirate Camp for the night. We accepted and gently pulled into a perfect spot—quiet but right in the middle of the action at 3:00 and Bong/Birthday. Pope Lenny, King of Lenny camp, took one look at us and invited us to stay forever and ever. This turned out to be the most nurturing, sweet, gentle group of people I have had the fortune to camp with. Vanessa’s first Burning Man experience was surrounded by very nice guys who were free of ulterior motives and interested in what she had to say because she is interesting. She was protected, understood and supported by a home base—a gift. I captured the feeling of freedom and openness that I associate with this festival, which I experienced my first time and have been attempting to recreate in the ensuing years. I did not feel judged or pressured to do anything beyond what I felt like doing, I was appreciated for my contributions and pleasure at being surrounded by these wonderful new friends.
This was my 5th encounter with Burning Man Land. This party is not always easy and not always fun. There have been years in the past where it relentlessly assaulted me with my every denial, laziness, and fear amidst a hail storm of discomfort, heat and dust until I cracked from the burden of over-saturation, of deep realization. Throughout these formative years as I’ve passed through my twenties, I take my body-mind there every two years or so to test my resiliency, to confront my ego, to solidify my truth. For the culture of Burning Man and the landscape insists that we live more and more for the moment, that we let our deepest selves out to play and to engage in the world, that we respect and emphasize the contributions that we have to make as individuals.
If I am cutting myself down in life then the people and place scream at me, slap me, throw me up closer to the stars, insist that I fill my 50ft tall presence. When I am too high, my ego too grandiose, it then cuts me down; cuts my head clean off. We live in a time where it is necessary to act fast, to amplify our intuition, to create the world that we want to live in and Burning Man is a premise to collectively test out and strengthen this capacity. I used to fight it, to resist, but over the years I have learned to accept it, flow with it, trust that my desires coincide with my mission this time—at Burning Man and increasingly more in life. That being said, this year was gentle, easy, fun because I accepted what is going on in my life right away and had the rest of the week to enjoy. A deep twin soul friend, Aaron, had died young and suddenly a week before I left and I was truly afraid that my heart would stop too. I realized that though I was frightened at this prospect, the thought of ending this life wasn’t unpleasant. On some level I was feeling like an important part of me had ended; it had experienced everything in this life that it was interested in and left only a shadow behind. It took one night of sleeping saturation with the lithium-alkaline dust to bring a full realization of my current nature; to elicit a confrontation with the notions I was avoiding in my waking life. I understood that my heart has been absolutely broken lately and then the physical pain-pressure of fear and loss on my heart that had been present for months just lifted. Chronic pains which I had been poking at with yoga, meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy and chiropractic evaporated over the ensuing days in the heat of laughter, sunshine and art.
I told everything yes. I spanked many people with my little horse spanker. I laughed hard until my stomach hurt. I danced. I slept where I felt like sleeping. I ate when I wanted to eat. I sang songs. I painted on people. I burned my friend in the temple. I cried. I breathed deeply. I ran around naked(ish). I rescued my precious self from being buried alive asphyxiated by a mound of fears and requirements. I realized again (and again and again) that I will die alone with only my memories and I that must function accordingly. I released any notion that I cannot survive on the talents and gifts that I bring to this world. I simplified my requirements to include only what I truly want. I absolutely stopped censoring myself. I shot out of there like a cannon ball into the gypsy diaspora that is my deepest home; wandering, making-selling-trading beauty, opening ever more to the nature of light, perpetuating this feeling of bliss….Perhaps indefinitely this time? It is a choice that I can make every day.

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