Thelonius P. Hepplewhite

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
501 Front Street
Norfolk, VA 23515

Re: My Revelation from Saint PETAS

Dear Kind People at PETA:

Recently I learned of People for Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) “Fish Empathy” campaign to discourage the consumption all forms of seafood.

Prior to reading PETA’s campaign information, I was unaware that fish and other forms of “seafood” were intelligent, sensitive, pain feeling creatures that have full knowledge of everything happening to them. Belatedly, I now understand and endorse PETA’s stated position that that fish and seafood deserve to be eaten no more than household pets because of the pain and suffering engendered when fish are caught and processed.

Learning of the suffering of fish was a revelation for me, and this knowledge motivated me to learn more about the feelings and sensitivity other widely consumed foodstuffs.

My studies revealed that all forms of plant life also seem to be intelligent, sensitive, and feeling organisms. Biologists have proven that plants; just like fish, fowl, pigs and bovines are much more intelligent than they appear. It is now believed that plants actually have cognitive powers equal to those of some forms of vertebrate life. What’s more, plants are known to possess long-term memories, and some forms of plant life can even use their own tools to build complex structural things.

Recently Swiss scientists using highly sensitive recording gear actually recorded tiny screams coming from terrified plants when they were subjected to dangers and stress. Now with my enhanced empathy for plants, I can almost hear the terrified screams of innocent vegetables as they are painfully plucked, and I grieve at the thought of agonizing screams coming from baby peas as they are torn from the security of their mother’s pods.

As a lifelong salad lover, I now feel the pain and suffering of millions upon millions of howling tomatoes, and whimpering cucumbers as they are slaughtered and brought to the dinner table.

The enormity of the agony and grief experienced by billions of soybeans, crying pathetically while inhumane factories process them into tofu is almost beyond the grasp of civilized beings. How tragic it is that tofu, the mainstay protein source for the countless millions of vegetarians, is responsible for so much suffering.

The guilt brought on by knowing of the pain and suffering in fish, and plant life has resulted in a personal dietary epiphany. Since then I have not consumed a single morsel of mussels, clams, cockles, or fish of any kind. I believe I have become a much better person for it!

For your edification, prior to this life changing experience, I was an ordinary man, like most others plodding along trying to eek out a livelihood while struggling with life’s many tribulations. Like so many others, I could only find fulfillment and pleasure by filling my belly with all things edible. I relished all kinds of meat, game, poultry, fowl, and I was especially fond of fish, crustaceans and shellfish.

This is not to say that occasionally I did not enjoy, and even savor the pleasures of a simple vegetarian meal. In point of fact, on a recent night, I consumed a delightful meal consisting entirely of corn, beans and squash, all freshly harvested from my wife’s highly productive vegetable garden.

Following this delicious repast, I dozed off. In my slumber I soon found myself in a strange and far off place where I was standing in a courtroom on trial before a multitude of ancient religious personages who were serving as judge and jury.

Among those present, I recognized many of the faces, including those of Jesus, Mohammed, Moses, and several prophets of the ancient Israelites. They looked very much like their images hanging on the walls in Sunday school classrooms everywhere. From the Eastern cultures, I saw Buddha, Confucius, Brahma, Shiva, and more Indian Gods, and Goddesses than I could count. Large numbers of historic Ecumenical leaders, including former Popes, Bishops, Saints, and even a few Presbyterian, and Methodist ministers were sitting in the viewing gallery.

As I wondered why I was on trial, a brilliant light suddenly appeared, and I could hear but not see the voice of God, who said, “Thelonius Hepplewhite you stand accused of eating forbidden foods---How do you plead?”

In the Presence of God, I could only say, “I am an ordinary man, with ordinary needs for sustenance. I believe the Bible says something like, “No man can live on food for thought alone.”

After I spoke, the brilliant light faded, and the voice of God said, “OK Saint PETAS, he is all yours. I turn the prosecution over to your most capable hands.”

With that pronouncement Saint PETAS appeared out of the nothingness. He was adorned in royal purple vestments much like those of an Anglican Bishop. I was shocked by his gaunt appearance, as he was cadaverously thin elderly man. He was drawn over with a marked curvature of the spine, as though he were severely undernourished and beset with soft bones.

In spite of his apparent weakness, Saint PETAS using his long shepherd’s staff grabbed me forcefully by my neck, and he said, “You are guilty of eating virtually every known type of living thing, including all manner of four footed beasts of the earth, and wild beasts, and creeping things, and fowls of the air, and creatures from the seas. You are known to have consumed many forms of vegetable materials, including legumes, grains, fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, and edible fungi.

”Then he shouted loudly, “ Do you not know there are laws dealing with what foods we can and cannot eat? You are an abomination among men showing no respect for the dietary laws governing consumption of any life form that feels pain when harvested or during preparation for eating!”

Fortunately, just then Confucius came to my rescue when he said, “Now Saint PETAS, You should be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. Forget not that forever is always changing, and nothing remains the same. You must chill down, and quit eating so much salt. I fear your blood pressure is dangerously high”

On hearing this, Saint PETAS appeared to be both puzzled and disturbed by these words. As proof of his annoyance, he raised his arms into the heavens, and with a flash of lightening and a loud clap of thunder, he pulled forth a large stone plaque which emitted puffs of dense smoke smelling strongly of sulfur.

Then with a dramatic flair, Saint PETAS threw the plaque at my feet, saying, “Thelonius Hepplewhite heed these dietary commandments! Now go home; repent, and inform the world of My Commandments.”

Being afraid, I was reluctant to pick up the fiery hot stone. Moses looked at me shaking his bearded head. He picked the stone up and he spoke to the assemblage saying, “This plaque bears the FIVE IMMUTABLE DIETARY COMMANDMENTS according to Saint PETAS’”

Then he read the plaque’s inscription for all to hear:

Now sayeth Saint PETAS, I pray you take good heed forever more to keep my dietary commandments, five.

I Thou shalt not eat any form of living matter, which is harvested whilst yet living, or harvested even if not living, but before it has been converted into a completely non-feeling, insensitive mineralized state.

II Thou shalt not eat meats, whether clean, or unclean, including meats of four legged beasts of burden, wild beasts, and creeping things, nor shall you eat poultry, fowls of the air, nor any living creatures coming from the seas, lakes, or waters.

III Thou shalt not eat milk, or cheeses made there from, whether it comes from clean or unclean four legged beasts of burden, wild beasts, or any creeping thing.

IV Thou shalt not eat an egg whether it comes from poultry, or fowls of the air, before it has become a completely non-feeling, insensitive thing and is in a completely mineralized state.

V Thou shalt not eat legumes, grains, fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, edible lichens, fungi, and mosses nor any other form of vegetable matter, nor shalt thou eat anything derived there-from which is harvested whilst yet living, or harvested even if not living before it has been converted into a completely non-feeling, insensitive mineralized state.

After reading the fifth commandment, in an attempt to break the tension Moses joked, “If five commandments are good, would not ten commandments be even better?” But by then, because of the heat, he was no longer able to hold the scorching stone, and it fell crashing to the ground with such a loud noise that it roused me from my deep state of slumber.

That is when I found a molten plaque of steaming stone lying at my feet. Unfortunately, most of the inscription was no longer readable. The only legible words, repeated five times on the plaque were “Thou shalt not eat.”

By then, it was time to prepare the evening’s meal. I chose the only menu option consistent with Saint PETAS dietary laws. Without the addition of other ingredients I placed the still hot plaque in a large pot of salty water and prepared a pot of pathetically weak stone soup tasting strongly of sulfur.

As I ate my soup, I gave thanks to Saint PETAS for his guidance, and I look forward to a guilt-free life brought on by eating nothing but rocks, stones, and boulders. I was especially pleased by the knowledge that I would no longer cause pain in any living creature simply to feed my hunger.

As I reflected on this, I was much reassured by thoughts of the old Greek proverb, “All good meals begin with a generous serving of hunger.”

Bon appetite!

Thelonius P. Hepplewhite