ENG 101E J.Mullen

Living in Wonderland

Kaloyan Kolev

The life of a college student has given me the great opportunity to observe student behavior. Usually I meet quite ordinary students. Some of them are interested in studying, others in fashion, music or computer games. However, I have also met students who are intriguingly different - to say the least. Recently I received the divine inspiration that there are four main types of abnormal students that are either of extraterrestrial origin or are the product of some kind of evil sorcery: The Zealot, The Casper, The Bear and The Challenger.

The Zealot takes classes more seriously than he should. He believes that if he doesn’t get an “A” on every single test, he will be crucified, God himself will come down to earth to unleash the Holy Armageddon upon him and the gates of Heaven will forever stay closed for his soul.
The Zealot always comes to class looking as if wild wolves have been chasing him to school.
Looking like he has seen the headless horseman, he quickly makes his way to his desk and immediately opens his books and starts reading. For him every second counts when it comes to studying. During a class, the Zealot is always listening to what the professor is saying as if his life depended on it. He is on guard at all times for any question the teacher might pose to the class.
Invariably, if this happens, he raises his hand in a desperate attempt not to let anyone else steal his spotlight. After that, he triumphantly announces the right answer believing he has been chosen by the heavens to enlighten the students living decadent lives. During breaks between lectures, he can be found frantically reading his notes, trying to remember what he has written during the day. If you try to talk to the Zealot while he is studying, you will most likely receive a response along the lines of “Begone, Satan!” When class is over, the Zealot immediately packs his things, gets out of the room and goes home as quickly as possible as if he fears that the
Apocalypse might take place while he is on his way home.

The Casper is very quiet and sometimes even practically invisible. Usually, he has a weird name no one in the class remembers. Furthermore, none of his classmates can remember seeing him at all. Most of the time you don’t notice when the Casper has entered the room.
During a class, the Casper often sits at the back doing absolutely nothing worth giving any attention to. He doesn’t make any noise while he is in class and he never participates in any discussion. Even if the teacher asks him something, he will respond by issuing the shortest possible answer followed by a deep tone of silence. Sometimes, during the breaks between lectures, the Casper might walk out of the room and then disappear for a long period of time. At the end of the lecture, the Casper will usually walk out of the room completely unnoticed.
However, sometimes he will stop to talk to one of his classmates. In such rare cases when the
Casper decides to start a conversation, he will do so by appearing out of nowhere and then asking a fellow student something out of the blue like “Can I use your stapler?” If you happen to face such a predicament you should give him what he wants at all costs! By no means should you deny the Casper what he desires! The consequence of doing this might be disappearing without a trace like a ghost in the opaque darkness.

The Bear always arrives looking like he has just woken up from a winter slumber. He is invariably late for his lectures. When he enters the classroom, he takes the first free seat in the back that he sees. A few seconds after this, the lord of slumber sends him to the dream realm.
As his name suggests, the Bear hibernates during most of the lecture time. Nonetheless, sometimes he will suddenly get up, go to the cafeteria to get something to eat and then return to the room to consume his new purchase. The Bear rarely pays attention in class and can often be found lying on his desk. Even though he seems uninterested in anything except eating or drinking, the Bear actively participates in cleaning the room. To the surprise of most professors, he engages in this activity during his lectures without showing any concern for the opinion of the teacher about his undertaking. The Bear prefers a very clean environment and he removes all detritus in his natural habitat at every opportunity. At the end of the lecture, he rarely gets up in time to walk out of the room with the rest of his classmates. Often, he sleeps for at least
20 minutes after the end of the class. Unfortunately, the Bear is usually forced to leave his land of slumber as the next lecture starts and he realizes he has to move somewhere else.

The Challenger confronts every point made in class. He is like a usurper of the heavenly thrones sent to earth by an unknown entity to fight in a debate against the Gods themselves.
The Challenger arrives early for class and takes his seat with a sense of satisfaction. He is always on the lookout for any potential candidates for a debate with him. Although he is more than happy to start an oral conflict before class, the Challenger usually saves his energy for the lecture time. During lectures, this type of student will involve himself in any argument with anyone about anything you can think of. Not only will the Challenger start a debate, but he will continue to fuel the fire of conflict until he wins the dispute or his opponent has given up. His rival will resign either because he is tired or because he has yielded to the Challenger’s unlimited power to debate. There is no topic too insignificant to argue over for the Challenger.
In fact, the more meaningless the debate is, the more tenacious and energized he becomes.
Such trivial topics can include: how many times can you fold a piece of paper, who is the most intelligent person in the world, why are manholes round or who would win in a fight between
Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster. Sometimes this type of an abnormal student will continue to argue up until the very end of the lecture, ceasing his obnoxious arguments only because his classmates have become so aggravated that they start throwing books and other heavy objects at him. During breaks between lectures, the Challenger takes a break to gather strength for the upcoming debates. After the end of the lecture he walks out of the room very slowly looking for any unfortunate students who might have the misguided idea to settle an argument with him. If no one is foolish enough to do this, the Challenger walks out of the room triumphantly as if he has won a battle against the forces of evil and claimed his rightful place among the Gods of
Olympus.

Although meeting all these types of students may be a nuisance, it is fascinating to see such extraordinary people around you. It can actually be amusing to encounter The Zealot, The
Casper, The Bear or The Challenger. For your entertainment, don’t get in the way of any of these abnormal students, but stay close enough to witness how they represent another world, a different and strange world – The World of Wonderland.