I shouldn’t be surprised by this; It was bound to happen. However, who was I supposed to blame? My whole family had suffered from things like this, so why am I so surprised? To be honest, I think I have the worst condition in the whole family.
Agoraphobia
The word sent a chill down my spine. A coward is what I am! I was afraid to go outside! What a wimp! I was the only one in my family that had this phobia. It was kind of embarrassing to look at my family as a whole. I wasn’t the only one that had troubles, I was surrounded by crazy people. Ironically enough, my mother had tokophobia - fear of child birth, but she kind of had to get over that one after having three kids. My 17 year old sister Sandra has Ataxophobia - Fear of disorder and untidiness. My 10 year old cousin Allie had Cathisophobia - fear of sitting. My 4 year old cousin Ben had Astraphobia - fear of lightning and thunder. And My friend Jamie had Heliophobia - Fear of the sun.
There were still normal people in my life, like my brother, Sandra’s twin Adam and my dad, but that only went so far when you lived with a bunch of crazy people. We lived in a quiet neighborhood in West Hartford Connecticut. My Cousins lived next door to us, so we were close with each other.
Since there were five kids with phobias, we made the phobia clubhouse. It was a place where everything we feared was gone, and we were allowed to rant with each other. It was perfectly equipped for all of us. It was in our loft for me since I wouldn’t, couldn’t go outside. It was an open space. One window took up a whole wall with giant curtains to block out all of the weather for Jamie and Ben. The walls and carpet were a perfect white, nothing on them the way my sister liked it. A book shelf filled with hundreds of books stood in the corner of the room for Allie when she got bored of just standing. Four bean bags laid in the center of the room, with pillows scattered around.
My life at home wasn’t bad. My family tried to make sure that someone was always home with me, so that I wouldn’t feel lonely. I spent most of my time in the clubhouse. I felt bad about what my family sacrificed for me. We hadn’t been on a vacation since I was four, before We knew what was wrong with me. Ten years of no vacations. Ten years of staying home. On good days, that farthest out I could go was the edge of my front yard. That was pushing it.
………………………………………….
It was a rainy day. The weather channel had said to expect a storm. Anna, Allie, and I stayed in the clubhouse trying to soothe Ben. After 30 minutes, he finally stopped hyperventilating. He was the hardest to calm, because he was the youngest. He sat in my lap and I could feel him shaking. His lower lip puffed out into a permanent pout.
“Wwwwwwhere is Jjjammme?” Ben managed to choke out from under his sobs.
“He’s outside.” I told him
“Why?! It raining and he cccccould die! He gonna DIEEEE! No more Jamie! Anna save him!” He screamed at me, working himself into more sobs. It was going to take an hour to calm him down.
“Don’t worry, Jamie is safe. He just likes to go outside when it rains” I said reassuringly
“Why?” he asked, bewildered by the fact.
“Because he can’t go out in the sun” I responded
“Why?” he repeated
“Because he’s afraid.” I answered, not quite sure if I could explain the many complicated details that went along with Jamie’s condition to a four year old.
“Why?”
I sighed in frustration, not in the mood to play the “why?” game. Allie picked up on my mood and quickly put her book down and took ben from my lap. She went to the corner of the room and rocked him in her arms, mumbling to him until he was quiet and fell asleep. She placed him back on the bean bag, then returned to her book.
It was quiet for a moment. Sandra was running her hands through the carpet, deep in thought. A scowl on her face. I didn’t want to be nosy, but she seemed upset.
“What’s up?” I finally asked. Sandra shrugged, debating whether or not she wanted to go on. She looked up at me.
“I went for my license today” she said, a frown pulled down at the corners of her mouth.
“You didn’t get it?” I asked, though she seemed awfully upset for something that simple.
“Nope” she said.
“That’s too bad, but you can always retake the test, right?” I said, trying to cheer her up. She bit her lip, her cheeks turning crimson red.
“Not too sure ‘bout that…” she said, her eyes quickly darted to my face then back to the ground.
“What. Did. You. Do?! Run over your instructor?” I asked sarcastically. She giggled, then took a deep breath. Her words came out in a rush:
“Ok, so after going through this horrible test, and passing for my permit” - she smiled, obviously proud - “I get called for the driving portion of the test. So I meet my instructor, Genine, this mean middle aged women that looks like an absolute reck, and the smell of her!” - she flinched - “I mean seriously. It’s called soap, lady! And toothpaste, and laundry detergent, and air fresheners…Ugh. Anyway, so I’m driving, ready to jump out the window of the car from being with this women, when all of a sudden!” She drummed her hands on her thighs “I almost run over an old man crossing the street! I slam the brakes and her papers fly everywhere! So she’s yelling at me and I am freaking! Not only is she frightening me enough, but now everything is a mess and I start hyperventilating. Then BAM!” Her hands flew up in the air theatrically “I hit a car! Not just any car, oh no! Genine’s 1990 volvo station wagon! So no I did not get my driver’s license. No, I don’t think I am getting my driver’s license any time soon. And no, Genine and I aren’t gonna be hangin’ out anytime soon!” She took a deep breath and crossed her arms over her chest.
“Wow” I said, not sure if I could contain my laughter much longer
“Uh-huh” she said. Jamie walked into the door then, soaking wet. He shook his hair out on us. Ben’s eyes flashed open, excited that Jamie was here.
“JAMIE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!!!!!!” Ben said, hopping up from the bean bag, and running to hug Jamie’s leg.
“I stay with him and comfort him all day, and he flicks boogers at me. Jamie walks through a door and he’s a king!” Allie mumbled to herself
“GET OUT!!!!!” Sandra screamed, trying to throw pillows at his face but missing by several feet.
“It’s nice to see you to Sandra, it really has been to long” he said with a smile on his face.
“WET! MESSY! STUPID! BOY!” Sandra continued to scream. He laughed and turned around hobbling away with ben on his leg.
“SUN FREAK!” she yelled after him. He paused, and turned around glaring at her.
“Hey Sandra, hit any good old people lately?” he winked then left the room. She glared after him.
“How did he know!”

………………………………………….
It was Christmas Eve. Outside was a winter wonderland, snow everywhere you looked. It was snowing and everyone was outside playing. I sat on the floor, watching them through the screen door. Jamie came over to the porch with his hands bundled together. His face was distant, deep in thought like he was deciding something. He opened the screen slightly, and stuck his hand out opening the fist. A snowball rested in his palm. I took it into my hands, not caring about how cold it felt.
“It’s really nice outside,” he said after a moment
“It seems like it.” I said, not sure where he was going with this
“Nice enough for you to even maybe go outside?” he asked quietly.
His face turned hopeless as he watched me flinch. I played with the snowball in my hands, wishing that I could be less of a buzz kill and go outside.
“Well, what if you just took a step, one step outside. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?” he tried again, trying not to be too pushy.
“No thanks”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive” Frustration showed on his face now. I tried to think of a way to explain myself to him without him feeling bad.
“I’ll step outside when you go out in the sun”
I had never seen Jamie go outside when it was sunny before, he just stayed in a dark room. His pale skin made him look like a corpse from being so sun deprived. He stared at me for a second
“I went outside on the last day of summer.”
“For a second.”
“That’s all I ask from you.”
“It’s not the same.”
“Why not!?” he asked, starting to lose his temper.
“Because it’s, it’s….my troubles are a lot more complicated than yours.” I responded. He scoffed
“How so? I mean honestly! Your always mopping about how horrible life is, but you’re not even trying to go out anymore! You’ve given up on life! You are a zombie. A homebody, a hermit. Sometimes I can’t even be around you, it’s too depressing!”
I stared up at him, shocked. What was he saying? Why was he so angry? Why was he doing this? Have I really been that depressing? A million questions spilt into my head. I tried to recover so I could say something to him.
“What is going on with you?” I asked, choking up a bit “Where is this coming from?”
“It has rained, snowed, and been cloudy for a month straight. Every time I’ve been outside its by myself. Otherwise I’m indoors, with you and your family. I want to have some normal friends. Ones that will come sledding down the hill with me on a snow day. I need someone that won’t take away the times that I am free of my fear. I’ve known you since pre-school, and I have been a loyal friend. But I’ve run out of patients.” He said this all slowly, letting his words sink in.
An icy tear ran down my face. I tried to talk. I wanted to talk, to convince him that he was wrong. To tell him I would try. To tell him how sorry I was, but I was frozen.
“I gotta go,” he said after a minute of silence. He turned around and quickly walked away before I could object.
I looked down in my hands, only a puddle of water dripped through the cracks of my fingers.
………………………………………….
I tried to perk up at dinner time, making an effort not to ruin everyone’s fun. My mom had worked hard on a nice dinner for the whole family, Christmas jingles playing in the background. But my attempts were useless. I couldn’t keep myself in the conversation, and eventually everyone gave up on trying to chat with me. I didn’t touch my food.
“May I be excused?” I finally asked, I didn’t know how much more I could take.
“Of course Anna” My mom said, keeping her curiosity about my mood to herself.
I washed my dish then went to my room, hoping to distract myself. The light in my room wasn’t turning on, but I didn’t want to bother my dad so I lit candles around my room. I picked up a random book off the shelf, and started to read. After a minute of reading, I was fighting to keep my eye lids open. This day had worn on me immensely. I finally gave in, letting myself go unconscious.
My eyes flashed open as I heard the scream, but I couldn’t see anything. Smoke filled the room. It took a second for things to click in my mind.
“She’s still in there!” The screams continued.
I got up and mapped out a quick escape plan, only to realize that the flames were dominating the room so that any paths to the door, or every window was inaccessible to me. I started to panic, things were starting to go fuzzy from the lack of oxygen. That’s when I saw my escape. I climbed onto my desk, which was just high enough to let me jump over the flames and get to the door.
Without much thought I leaped into the air, over calculating the distance of the jump. I slammed into the wall. I held my hands out, hoping to lessen the impact. My hands and face hit first. I was numb for a second, and then a flow of pain shot through my bones. I had to have broken at least my wrists. The right side of my face throbbed. I ignored all of this though, and threw the door open. That’s when I saw how much damage I had done. I was frozen in place, as I saw my home engulfed in flames.
Tears weld up in my eyes fogging my vision. I forced myself to continue on, my death wasn’t going to help anything. I was running out of time, out of oxygen. That’s when I saw the broken window. The window I used to sit by and watch the outside world. The window, that at this point, could save my life. I ran to it now only five feet away. I could see the fireman restraining my mother from running into the house. Across the street I could see Jamie.
No one realized me but Jamie. His eyes widened in horror. He was yelling something to me, but I couldn’t understand. All I heard were the flames burning away my home, my one and only safe place. A voice in the back of my head screamed at me. GET OUT OF THERE! YOU HAVE SO MUCH MORE TO LIVE FOR! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! I couldn’t move. I just started crying again.
My head started to spin and I knew I only had a couple seconds. I had let my fear rule my life, and now it was about to take it away. I took one last look around what was left of my house, when my sight started to blur even more. The last thing I saw was the door being kicked down before my body hit the ground. I could still hear the Christmas music in my head.
“Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock….”
………………………………………….
I woke up staring at a white ceiling. Was I dead? All of my senses were dulled. I looked around. It was in a small unfamiliar room. I panicked, my breathing became panting and my heart rate shot up. An annoying beeping sound came from the background. I looked down and I realized what happened; the polka dot paper gown, the needles stuck in my arm, the rapping of my body, the annoying beeping. I was in a hospital. I started to scream.
A nurse ran through the door. She looked awful. Her face was tired, panic in her eyes. She mumbled something to herself. It sounded like “not again”. This had happened before? What happened to me!?
“Shhhhh hun, you need to calm down. Shh your safe, but people are trying to sleep. Please darling, stop screaming.” she begged. I fell silent, still shaking. I checked out the next words, I had to find out what had happened.
“…..What….happened?” - my throat burned from every word I spoke, maybe from the screaming - “….Where is family….need doctor…need help…” I finally started to feel the rest of my pain. My muscles ached. My right arm and leg were in casts. Bandages wrapped around my head and ribs. I rubbed the right side of my face, and I could feel a giant bruise that started at my hair line and went down to my cheekbone.
“Let me explain hun” The nurse said, relief clear in her voice “Hello, my name is Natalie. Your doctor is Doctor Fink. You were in a fire one week ago. You’ve broken your leg, arm, and 2 ribs, plus a possible concussion from the fall that you took after you passed out. You also suffered from respiratory failure, but that shouldn’t affect you horribly. Your family is sleeping in the lobby, because you’ve had a few false alarms. You see, you’ve woken up six times and we’ve had to sedate you each time because of your panicking. I think you’re okay now though. Would you like to see them?”
I nodded not able to speak. The nurse turned around and walked out the room. A minute later, my mother burst through the door, tears pouring down her eyes, and threw her arms around me. My dad and siblings joined in.
………………………………………….
Two weeks later and I left the hospital with a walking cast and cast on my arm. Our house had been destroyed thanks to the candles I had lit. We were staying with my cousins. Things were going to be okay despite the fact. My parents made good money at their jobs, and we would be able to buy a new house in a few months. My family would not let me say sorry or let me make it up to them. I felt so horrible about it.
I had not seen Jamie since the fire, because I was allowed no visitors outside of my family for some psychological reason. I did not know what I was going to say to him when I saw him again, if I saw him again. I paced in my temporary bedroom, thinking about what to do. The sun’s light came through the windows, and then all of a sudden something inside of me just sparked. I grabbed my coat and started toward the front door without hesitation. I hobbled my way down the street to his house. I had not been there in a long time. I boldly walked up the path to his house and rang the doorbell. A million different emotions flooded inside me. The door opened slightly and Jamie’s face popped out the crack.
He saw me and the door immediately swung all the way open. He stared for a few seconds, amazed at what he was seeing. It took him a minute to even realize my injuries. Tears welled at the corner of his eyes and a huge smile spread across his face.
“How?” he asked breathlessly
I couldn’t help but smile back. I shrugged, all of a sudden feeling extremely uncomfortable that I was outside. I reached my good hand out toward him. With a confused expression on his face, he took my hand. I dragged him out the doorframe and then let go. He hid in the shadow of his porch.
“Just one step. That’s all I ask from you” I said mockingly.
He starred at me for a second and then nodded. Silently we both took a step out from the shade and into this new sunny outside world that neither of us had enjoyed for so long.