Managerial Communication Writing Exercise

In this exercise I was given two different examples to critique. I will list all my changes below on how I think each of these could be changed to make them better. Example one is feel is written better than example 2 and there seems to be less changes that need to be made. Proof reading your own work and even asking someone else to do it for you can help ensure that your writing piece is professional.

Example 1:

The first part of this example is the header or greeting. This is located in lines 1-6. The order of each line should be like this: who the document is to, and then who the document is from, who the document should be carbon copied to, the subject and then the date. On line six, you can remove the person's name since you have already listed this in the header on line one.
In the first paragraph, the date in line seven should be listed to read June 11-22, 2008. This provides a full and complete date for the recipient. The word not doesn't need to be capitalized in this sentence. If this word should stand out underline would look more professional. Lines 10-13 is the middle paragraph of the document. This paragraph should change the beginning of it to read as this memo is about the addition of Silent Watch to our company systems. Then the next sentence should be changed to read. Inform all employees that they should limit their computer use and e-mail to work projects only and that their work would be monitored. The last paragraph should have a complete date for the probationary period in line 14. Adding the word your on line 15 after the word and but before the word regular can show the ownership of who the pay belongs too. In the last sentence of this memo, on line 16 it should read as this matter as closed. This shows that the person sending this is done with this issue and they are moving forward from here.
Example 2:

In this example, lines 1-4 are the header and the greeting and they are set up properly. There are many changes throughout this document since it is written all together. There are no spaces throughout the document to help separate all the highlights. I would first move line seven to the beginning of the document to read, Wellco, Inc. needs to cut expenses and we’ve set a goal for a 50% reduction in travel. This is the main reason of this memo so it needs to be the first sentence that the recipient reads. I would then follow the sentence with line 5 by adding the word will after you and before the word need. On line six, a complete date should be listed to specify the correct date of the previous memo that is being referenced in the sentence. There shouldn’t be a period after the date in this line but adds the words such as to list examples of the expenses that each person can save money on. This will conclude the sentence and line six. There needs to be a space between paragraphs and then start the next sentence with line eight. I would suggest changing the word that to the word this, which will make this as a statement that, is currently happening. In line nine, I would conclude the sentence with the word anymore, to reaffirm that they will no longer be able to travel in luxury anymore. The next sentence in this line I would add a coma after the word phone calls and list the words or internet service. This helps to tie in the next sentence. I would start line ten with the word please to ask them to complete this task nicely. Prior to the last paragraph, I would add another space to break up the two paragraphs up. The last paragraph would start with the sentence in line eleven. You never start a sentence with the word and, so I would change this to start with the word lastly and follow it with a comma. I would end this paragraph with part of the sentence from line thirteen. I would change it to read, these changes in your travel plans are effective immediately. This is short and to the point to make it sound like a statement to ensure the seriousness with this issue. The last sentence which is line fourteen is ending this memo on a positive note and is always a great way to end something. I would add a line space to make this line stand out to look like it’s a separate paragraph and just type the sentence as it is stated.