I cannot help but to look at my life in two halves—“before Iraq” and “after Iraq”. I wouldn’t call it two separate chapters. It is two completely different books. Not every war cliché is true. Too many accounts of war varnish it with a dark romanticism that does not align with reality for most combat veterans. But my time in Iraq did teach me raw truths about myself and the world, which made it impossible to emerge from the experience as the same person. In some ways, it was difficult to reconcile the new version of myself with the old. In others, it has been a defining episode for me, setting the stage for a very different future.

I never would have been able to afford college if it weren’t for the GI Bill. So when I returned from combat in Iraq in 2004, I immediately enrolled in the Sociology program at Southern Illinois University at Edwardsville. In retrospect, I believe that I thought that college would give me a fresh start. I hoped it would be the jolt back to normalcy that would help shake loose so much of the horrors I saw in active combat. Unfortunately, my plan did not work.

Instead of focusing on school work, I ached to get back to the Marines and finish the mission in Iraq. Finishing my degree was the only thing standing between me and that mission, so I hurried through it, trampling on my GPA during the transition. I eventually did another tour and then spent five years in Iraq and Afghanistan working as a private contractor. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized I had been suffering from PTSD as I transitioned between military and civilian life.

Getting counseling through the VA was life-altering for me. It took a year of weekly cognitive behavioral therapy to work around some of the nightmares which had plagued me for so many years. But I was reshaped. Though I had valued my time as a marine and a private contractor, I needed to find a way to live with the scars. As it turned out, I became inspired to help others do the same.

I am currently employed as a Veterans Outreach Worker. I seek out homeless veterans in the St. Louis area and assess them in order to see if they qualify to receive veterans support services. I help them to find employment by working with them to prepare resumes and matching their skills to potential jobs in the area. I feel like I make an immediate, positive difference for many of these men, who have been marginalized and discarded by the society they once bravely and selflessly served.

What is especially profound for me about this work is that I could be any one of these men, but for the safety net I had. My family took me in when I was at my lowest. I somehow found it in myself to seek help from the VA. I see these men as my peers, not just as clients. They are cast aside and dismissed as lazy, crazy, or addicts. It is never that simple. I find it tremendously gratifying to help them get back on track.

Strange as it may sound to outsiders, my time in the military has profoundly influenced my capacity for empathy. Certainly, altruism was always part of my core; I worked nearly full-time during college at a group home for developmentally disabled adults. Yet, despite the horrors and destruction in Iraq, I also saw my job there as one of rebuilding the ruins of a war-torn society. We got to work one-on-one with the Iraqi people, trying to help them better their lives after their government and their worlds crumbled around them. My platoon once helped rebuild a school that had been blown up by insurgents. We solicited school supplies from our own family members back home. I felt as though we were all part of something bigger than ourselves. This sense of purpose is what draws me towards a graduate degree in social work. Ultimately, I would like to work with the Department of Veterans Affairs, counseling homeless veterans. I have literally walked in their shoes. I understand what it is like to feel both invincible and destroyed at the same time. I know how difficult it is to re-penetrate civilian life. These insights, coupled with my academic and professional experience, render me uniquely qualified to give the kind of help that is so desperately needed within our veteran population.

I see this as a new chapter in my second book. This is who I have become. I now want to make the most of the man I am today.