You're hoping for a nice, quiet afternoon. Your toddler finally settled down for a nap and your oldest is happily attending first standard. However, you receive a phone call from the school. "So much for happily attending school," you sigh after hearing the news. Your child was just sent in from recess for fighting.
When you pick him up, he explains that he just couldn't help it. He got mad because Rohit said he was ugly. You've taught him that fighting is wrong, but you've also taught him that it is wrong to call other people names or to do things that would make them feel bad. But what if someone does something to make him feel bad? How should he handle his anger?
Answering that question may seem difficult for a parent. Your child is bombarded with messages teaching violence as the way to handle anger, but you want him to be better than that. Fighting is not the way to express displeasure. When teaching him how to handle anger, it is vital that you don't unconsciously teach him that anger is wrong. Your child must learn that all of his feelings are normal, acceptable, and universally experienced. Even anger. He may think that because he is angry, he is a bad person. Feeling a certain way does not make him good or bad. The only thing that will make your child's emotions good or bad is the way they are handled. Children Expressing Anger
Anger is the most difficult emotion to handle, especially for young children. Your child is just beginning to understand and label the way she is feeling inside. Children express anger when they are frustrated with something or get their feelings hurt by another. Children cannot distinguish feelings from actions, so when they are upset, they bite, hit, kick, or scream. In order for your child to calm down, you must express empathy, warmth, and support. As your child grows, he will begin to link cause and effect to his emotions. She may still want to hit and kick when you won't let her have a cookie before dinner, but she also knows that if she follows through with these feelings, she will not be allowed to watch TV. So, instead, she uses her verbal skills to cry out, "I hate you!"
As a parent, you want your child to be comfortable with what she is feeling, and also to express those feelings properly. Anger is not acceptable when it is expressed violently. Therefore, you must teach your child how to express such an intense emotion in a more acceptable manner. As a parent, it is your responsibility to teach your child that while it is OK to be mad, it is definitely not OK to be mean. Causes of Anger
There are many potential causes of anger and aggression.
Victims: Some children who are too aggressive have been the victims of aggressive behavior. Abusive parents, siblings, or peers can be imitated by the abused. Children who are "picked on" or abused by others surely do pick on other children. However, it is dangerous to assume that all aggressive children are abused themselves.
Overindulgence: If children are accustomed to get what they want when they want it, they may become verbally or physically aggressive with other children when their wish is not immediately granted. They may even bully their parents and siblings.
Roughhousing: Aggressive behaviors may also be imitations of play for some children. Rough housing and fun teasing may be defined as love for children, and hitting and touching become an automatic way of interacting. They may not understand they are being aggressive. If this is so, curtail aggressive play.
TV and Video Games: Sometimes children's programmers involve as much aggressive behavior as adult ones!
Parent Sabotage: Another important source of aggressive behaviors is parents who are not parenting as a team. If a parent takes the child's side against the other parent, aggressive and manipulative behavior is often the result. This is because the child is given more power than the other parent. This especially happens during or after a divorce.
Inner Anger: Sometimes children have inner anger because of something that has gone wrong in their childhood that they do not understand. Adopted or foster children, who have been neglected as infants, children involved in predivorce arguments, children whose parents have serious medical problems, all could be acting out their unconscious unhappiness and frustrations.
Illness: Hearing, visual, or intellectual deficits that children cannot explain to parents can cause frustration and lack of understanding that result in angry and aggThese techniques are designed to prevent real physical violence. But remember: a violent slip of the tongue can last a lifetime. These techniques are for Self-defense, defense of others and yourself. These are emergency procedures and are not meant as a substitute for individual or group psychotherapy, which are settings where one can learn to safely look at one's anger, release anger in a safe way and resolve conflict. That's longer-term work. What you've been reading so far is about putting out fires and helping people stop from even striking the first match.

Why do we get mad? It is clear to me that anger is a product of both heredity and environment. I've seen young children who came into the world with a chip on their shoulder. It's hard to believe, but I've seen rage in a baby's eyes and I know it's in the DNA...not the milk.

But, given this nature/nurture cause of personality, let me explain the Vedanta theory about anger. According to Vedanta, within the lower self, we are driven by desire. Once we have acquired our object of desire, we want to multiply it. When the desire is not fulfilled, is diminished or taken away, we get angry. It's that simple. So how do we deal with desire? If the desire that arises in our mind will not harm others or ourselves, proceed toward that desire. But remember the lessons of the Temple of Delphi: 1) Know Thyself and 2) Nothing in Excess.ressive behavior.
Spousal abuse occurs in people with the following personality profile:

1) High levels of jealousy

2) Tremendous need to control others

3) a Sense of ownership of one's spouse.

Men who are violent to their wives believe they own them, in the same way that they own their car or golf clubs. The cure for this profile is self-inquiry. Realize that your anger is YOUR responsibility. Your partner doesn't make you angry. Your partner does something and your reaction is anger. Give up any idea of ownership. Nobody owns anybody. Examine the root of the anger. Examine the desire and realize that the anger comes from fear of losing the desired person.

Many of my patients have found the following imagery technique valuable in helping them express, release and overcome anger:

Imagine yourself sitting on the ground facing the person who you are angry with. He or she is also sitting on the ground. From the bottom of your heart tell this person how you are feeling and share all the nasty details. You don't need to be polite. You can yell and scream. Notice if you're speaking in soft controlled tones. If yu are, let go of that style and really blow off some steam.

Now imagine that you have three buckets next to you. One is filled with water, one with honey and one with rice. Which one would you like to pour over the other person? Go ahead. Pick up that bucket and pour it all over him. Doesn't that feel good?

Has he learned his lesson or do you need to pour one of the other buckets? Pick up one of the other buckets and empty that one on him. You may have something special in mind that you'll want in that bucket. It's your bucket. Fill it with whatever you like, pour it over him and feel yourself releasing anger as you do.

You can probably easily guess which bucket people love the most-the honey. People just love to imagine pouring a bucket of honey over the person they're mad at. And they almost always like pouring something else over the honey, such as rice, confetti, feathers, pebbles, leaves.

If you can identify the precursors of your anger, you can put out the fire before it ever gets lit. Every day stress shortens our fuse. Identify your stress and deal with it. Don't get too tired...or too hungry. Protect your own personal space. Find a way to have time alone every day, if you need it. Become aware of how much physical space you require...and mentally claim that space. Failure to deal with all these precursors to anger will lead to loss of control.